Wedding Etiquette Forum

gut check on this

I have a married cousin with a young daughter. FI and I decided to invite very few kids to our wedding (basically just kids involved in the wedding). Cousin's daughter is not in the wedding, not technically invited. Cousin is very likely to assume her daughter is invited (I won't bore you with details unless you really don't believe me but for the sake of brevity, trust me).

So we sent our invites about 3 weeks ago.

Today I got a text from her basically saying, "Hey! I still haven't gotten your invitation in the mail, but we are coming! We're invited right?" She is, and she got the Save-the-date addressed to her. But, yikes, do I need to tell her the kid is technically not invited? I know it's not proper to do that, but she lives 6 hours away and while they won't be buying flights, it is a full weekend away for them. On the other hand, truth be told, if her daughter came to our wedding I really wouldn't mind, but FI would be upset. 

Should I just write back and say, "Yep! You and H are invited!" and see where that gets me? Anyone have a better idea? So much for that properly addressed envelope, stupid post office.

Re: gut check on this

  • I would say something along the lines of "Yes, you and your husband are invited, but we aren't able to accomodate your daughter due to financial reasons." It doesnt really have to be true. We arent having kids at our wedding either and i just had to tell my cousin (she RSVP'd for her, her husband and kids) that the kids arent invited (I said that because of financial reason we're only allowing first cousins)

    Do apologize about little not being able to come though.
    Fosmoh
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Agree with PPs who said tell her she and her husband are invited. Do not mention the daughter not being invited or offer an explanation as to why. It opens the door for her to suggest ways or reasons for her to join.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    loveislouderJen4948SP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd just tell her, "Yes. Our invitations haven't gone out yet, but only you and your husband are invited.  Sorry for any confusion!"
  • Jen4948 said:
    I'd just tell her, "Yes. Our invitations haven't gone out yet, but only you and your husband are invited.  Sorry for any confusion!"
    Her invitations went out 3 weeks ago according to her OP.
  • I would call her and say that yes, she and her husband are invited, and you're not sure why the invite hasn't arrived yet. That makes it easier for you to deal with any kid confusion if she brings it up.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would say something along the lines of "Yes, you and your husband are invited, but we aren't able to accomodate your daughter due to financial reasons." It doesnt really have to be true. We arent having kids at our wedding either and i just had to tell my cousin (she RSVP'd for her, her husband and kids) that the kids arent invited (I said that because of financial reason we're only allowing first cousins)

    Do apologize about little not being able to come though.
    It is not at all necessary for a couple to make any apologies as to why someone is not included on their guest list.  (I am interpreting your sentence as saying, "Do apologize about (the) little (one) not being able to come, though.)
    SP29OliveOilsMomHeffalump
  • Yeah don't give a fake reason the kid isn't invited. As @banana468 said, they'll come back with ways to get around it + they'll probably figure out that you lied to them.

    Also, as far as fake reasons go, "I can't afford to have any more guests" is a pretty awkward choice. The guest is then left with the uncomfortable knowledge that this event is a financial strain on you.

    If anyone asks about an uninvited guest, just keep your response simple: "We won't be able to accommodate ___." It's like the difference between "I was sick yesterday" and "I got food poisoning and spent all night on the toilet."

    simcal18STARMOON44Heffalump[Deleted User]
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with the above, tell her something like, "Oh, we sent the invitation 3 weeks ago,  of course you and H are invited. We can send another one (I would- so they have the details, like location/address and you can get a formal RSVP back- unless you think it would take too long in the mail at this point)". Do not mention the daughter. IF she brings it up, you can tell her that you are sorry but you cannot accommodate daughter.

    I also agree- do NOT give a reason why you cannot invite daughter. As long as you aren't splitting up siblings, children fall into their own invite. The parents are the social unit, so they are invited together, but that doesn't mean you need to invite their children. Likewise, just because you invite some children, doesn't mean you need to invite all children (again, not splitting up families).

    So you don't need a reason why daughter isn't invited. And giving a reason gives them room to find a "solution" to the problem, as described above- "she can share our plates", "we can pay for her", etc etc. Also don't make up rules, i.e. "we are only inviting the children of close family", because when they see other children at your wedding they may start to make judgements, "well they invited so and so's child! Little Susy is closer than little Jimmy!".

    The truth is little Jimmy was invited, little Susy wasn't. And that is A-OK.
    [Deleted User]
  • edited July 2015

    You either need to clarify the invite is just for the adults as the only kids at the event will be those that are part of the wedding party. Or you decide, do you make an exception to the no kids invite for OOT guests. We basically went no kids under 18 but did make an exception for my niece who lives over 10 hours away by car. She had a 4 month old that she was nursing at the time. With travel and then the wedding, she was going to be gone for 4 days, which was too long for her to leave the baby with her Mother in Law since they weren't doing a bottle with the baby yet (my niece was a stay at home mom at the time). And of course since she was bringing the baby, her 5 year old would be coming too. This is something only you and FI can decide on if you want to make an exception to allow her to bring her daughter or not. Just be prepared that if she can't she may not be able to come & how would you feel about that? If you're ok with that, then stick to your guns. If she is someone you would miss if she didn't come, then you may need to make an exception for her daughter

     

  • Thanks ladies! I did write back with the simple "Of course you and H are invited!" and no awkward followup questions. I was planning to scan in the invite and email it for her so she at least got the info, she said her mail is funky and they don't always get all of it.

    To answer @scribe95 and @SP29 - I did just talk to FI about possibly letting some OOT relatives bring kids. It didn't go well. t feel kinda guilty not inviting some kids because, yeah, that's a crazy burden, especially if you don't have family here (or if they're all at our wedding). The tricky part is - a. I don't really want ALL my OOT cousins' kids there, and b. FI isn't as close to his extended family as I am and he feels if I invite my cousins' kids, he should, and he gets offended about it - but he doesn't even know all their names or met all of them. And he'd prefer no kids at all

    I agree with the philosophy that kids are just like any other guests - you pick the ones you want (without splitting up families). But FI just doesn't agree with that. It's frustrating because there are a couple kids I'd like to invite, but if I do that, he thinks we're obligated to invite a bunch of kids we barely know.
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That is frustrating to explain. I had a similar thing with our WP. DH thought we had to have even sides. I said, no, you don't, you choose who you want to stand beside you. But he thought it would look bad for him, like he had less friends. It ended up "working out", because I had asked 2 ladies to be my bridesmaids and one was unable to attend the wedding, so our sides ended up equal anyway. But geesh.

    You could have him look at this thread and see that it's OK. Or you could try telling him, "You do realize that for those who live far away, that they may be unable to come because there is no one to watch their children for such a long period of time? I'd rather invite those children to make it easier on the parents". Of course you do not have to invite ALL your cousins' kids, or his extended families kids.

    Or, keep it as is, with a firm "no kids unless in the WP" rule. I would not tell that to your guests though (i.e. try to explain yourself), just "we are unable to accommodate little Susy" if it gets brought up.
    Knottie91800232
  • FosmohFosmoh member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I agree with others about being honest.
    I would just say you've decided to only invite children that are immediately involved in  the wedding.

    My FI and I have two children, when we only had our son, we were invited to a wedding and the bride pulled me aside and spoke privately with me and just explained that they aren't inviting children.  i think she felt uncomfortable doing it and felt bad but i appreciated it SO MUCH and really appreciated her honesty with me.

    There were some kids at the wedding, apparently some people just brought their kids anyway (which i feel is rude) or because of family drama some family members insisted that their kids were invited.  I think it was a HUGE source of stress for her and her husband and i don't remotely hold it against them at all.
    Knottie91800232
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