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Knottie1435340326

Hi there all! 

This is all new to me, I am completely foreign to weddings. I just got engaged A month ago, our wedding date is June 17,2017 so i have plenty of time to plan. However I am completely lost, my mother passed away when I was 13, and my dad a few years ago. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, anyone else in a similiar situation. 

ShesSoCold

Knottie1435340326 said:

Hi there all! 

This is all new to me, I am completely foreign to weddings. I just got engaged A month ago, our wedding date is June 17,2017 so i have plenty of time to plan. However I am completely lost, my mother passed away when I was 13, and my dad a few years ago. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, anyone else in a similiar situation. 

This is pretty broad. What are you needing help with? 

I'm sorry for your losses.

AddieCake

Congrats on your engagement! What kinds of things are you looking for help on? Have you set a budget? That should be step one, along with discussing what type of wedding you are interested in with your fiancé.

Knottie1435340326

I guess just where do I start? ya know, i just wish i had someone to help guide me through all this 

Thank you

AddieCake

1. Discuss type of wedding. 2. Set budget. 3. Make potential guest list. 4. Start searching for venues that meet your needs.

Knottie1435340326

My fiance says its too far away to go over a budget right now lol, I have been calling around venues.

We want a small wedding (30 people) and a bigger reception (90 people) I want an outside wedding. i found the perfect venue for us, but he doesn't want to discuss it right now since its so far away, but I'm a planner, and he does everything at the last minute

AddieCake

Your fiancé is very wrong. You should not start planning a wedding until you have determined a budget. If you don't set a budget, you might run out next month and spend $10,000 on A, B, C and not realize you will need another $5,000 for X, Y, Z. It is not appropriate to have 30 people at your ceremony and 90 people at your reception. Why are those numbers so different?

MobKaz

Knottie1435340326 said:

My fiance says its too far away to go over a budget right now lol, I have been calling around venues.

We want a small wedding (30 people) and a bigger reception (90 people) I want an outside wedding. i found the perfect venue for us, but he doesn't want to discuss it right now since its so far away, but I'm a planner, and he does everything at the last minute

Your budget will drive everything. It will determine every aspect of your wedding, including the number of guests you invite. You MUST start with a budget.

In some instances, it is acceptable to hold a very small and intimate ceremony, and follow it up with a reception that includes additional guests. However, in your case, you are inviting one third of your guest list to the ceremony and excluding the rest. That does not seem acceptable to me. Most guests find the ceremony the more meaningful component of the day, and would be hurt to be excluded from it.

 Wanting an outside wedding is great, but it requires special and additional planning. You need to select a venue that offers a realistic and comfortable "Plan B" in the event of bad weather. Bad weather does not refer to precipitation alone; outdoor air temperature and humidity should also be a factor.

Host your guests properly. The reception is a "thank you" to your guests for attending your ceremony. Host completely and appropriately. Serve a full meal if your reception occurs during a meal time. Any beverages offered need to be complimentary. You do not need to offer alcohol, but if you do it must be complimentary. No guest should have to pay for anything at the reception.

ETA:  Originally drafted on an iPad and I cannot deal with the lack of paragraphs.

jacques27

Knottie1435340326 said:

My fiance says its too far away to go over a budget right now lol, I have been calling around venues.

We want a small wedding (30 people) and a bigger reception (90 people) I want an outside wedding. i found the perfect venue for us, but he doesn't want to discuss it right now since its so far away, but I'm a planner, and he does everything at the last minute

You shouldn't be calling anywhere until you have a budget.  What is the point of calling places when you don't know what you can afford?  Also, be advised that with two years away, a lot of places you're calling won't even contract with you that far out because they may not know their 2017 rates yet (a lot places review and revise their rates on a yearly basis).

Follow AddieCake's steps.  Discuss, set budget, make guest list, then search.  Right now, you're doing it backwards.  This far out, you really don't even need to make it past the discuss phase, but obviously the sooner you set a budget, the sooner you can start saving towards your goals and stretch that out over two years instead of a frantic penny pinching at the end to make ends meet.

ohmrs2014

If its a small and intimate wedding you want, then it should be just that.  An intimate wedding ceremony would be just immediate family, if that.

The reception is generally a thank you to your guests for attending your ceremony.

That said, you need to set a budget.  My DH and I planned for 22 months. We booked our wedding vendors around that time, the photographer, venue, and DJ.  Everything else, we took our time.  

ohmrs2014

jacques27 said:

Knottie1435340326 said:

My fiance says its too far away to go over a budget right now lol, I have been calling around venues.

We want a small wedding (30 people) and a bigger reception (90 people) I want an outside wedding. i found the perfect venue for us, but he doesn't want to discuss it right now since its so far away, but I'm a planner, and he does everything at the last minute

You shouldn't be calling anywhere until you have a budget.  What is the point of calling places when you don't know what you can afford?  Also, be advised that with two years away, a lot of places you're calling won't even contract with you that far out because they may not know their 2017 rates yet (a lot places review and revise their rates on a yearly basis).

Follow AddieCake's steps.  Discuss, set budget, make guest list, then search.  Right now, you're doing it backwards.  This far out, you really don't even need to make it past the discuss phase, but obviously the sooner you set a budget, the sooner you can start saving towards your goals and stretch that out over two years instead of a frantic penny pinching at the end to make ends meet.

I disagree with the bolded.  In the area DH and I live in, venues book up at least two years out.  We found a few that we liked that were already booked for the date we wanted, at 22 months out.

Jen4948

Without a budget, you can't make plans, so your fiance is wrong about that. You need a budget and a guest list as the first two steps of planning.

lyndausvi

ohmrs2014 said:

jacques27 said:

Knottie1435340326 said:

My fiance says its too far away to go over a budget right now lol, I have been calling around venues.

We want a small wedding (30 people) and a bigger reception (90 people) I want an outside wedding. i found the perfect venue for us, but he doesn't want to discuss it right now since its so far away, but I'm a planner, and he does everything at the last minute

You shouldn't be calling anywhere until you have a budget.  What is the point of calling places when you don't know what you can afford?  Also, be advised that with two years away, a lot of places you're calling won't even contract with you that far out because they may not know their 2017 rates yet (a lot places review and revise their rates on a yearly basis).

Follow AddieCake's steps.  Discuss, set budget, make guest list, then search.  Right now, you're doing it backwards.  This far out, you really don't even need to make it past the discuss phase, but obviously the sooner you set a budget, the sooner you can start saving towards your goals and stretch that out over two years instead of a frantic penny pinching at the end to make ends meet.

I disagree with the bolded.  In the area DH and I live in, venues book up at least two years out.  We found a few that we liked that were already booked for the date we wanted, at 22 months out.

why are you disagreeing with the bold?

  Fact is some places will not book out that far out.  Others will.    It's a legit concern, even if your own experience says otherwise.

CMGragain

Step 1 - make budget.  If FI says you can't do this yet, then stop calling vendors until you are able to do this.  You are wasting both your time and theirs.

Step 2 - draw up complete guest list.

Step 3 - if you are Catholic, talk to your priest and see what you need to do to get married in the church.

Step 4 - think about the different options you have.  Different times of day have different requirements.  What is really important to you?

One thing you can do now is to research wedding planning and etiquette.  Our favorite on the Knot is often Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding by Judith Martin.  It is funny as well as informative.
Beware of Bridal Porn TV, like "Say Yes to the Dress", "Four Weddings", etc.  They are sponsored by the wedding industry, and their purpose is to make you spend more money.  Same with bridal magazines, though I know you will just have to look at them!
When you are ready to plan, we will be here to help you.

STARMOON44

If you haven't booked a venue, you don't have a date. If your fiancé thinks it is too soon to plan or set a budget, I think you need to discuss with him when he would like to start planning and figure that out first.

ShesSoCold

I agree with PPs.

The very first step is to make a budget. Think of how much money you have now that you can use (if any) and figure out how much you can afford to save per month or paycheck. If you're wanting to get married in June 2017, that gives you 23 months to save. 

H and I could comfortably put aside $400 per month. We had about $1,000 in savings that we could use and we were engaged for 22 months, giving us a total budget of $9,800. We tried to budget for $8,500 so that we'd have enough for extras, taxes, service fees and things like that. 

The budget tool here is great for giving a general idea of how to breakdown your budget, but isn't very reliable (so I've heard) so I would use it only as a guide. 

For your guest list, I would make three separate lists - the people you absolutely have to have there and could not imagine getting married without, the people you like and would like to have and the people you probably should invite but wouldn't be heartbroken if they can't make it. Be sure to include significant others (of ANY length of time) and buffer space in case any singles are in relationships when your wedding rolls around. Divide your budget by the amount of people and then you know how much you can spend per person (roughly - minus things like flowers and DJ and things that aren't per person).

Now that you know what you can spend and how many people you want attending, NOW you can contact venues to see if they fit into your budget and size. 

Going about this backwards - looking at venues first without knowing how much you can spend - is how couples end up paying way more than they can afford and taking out loans or paying with credit cards. My brother's wife fell in love with a venue before they made their budget and they're still paying off their wedding, almost three years later. Not worth it. 

OliveOilsMom

I would tell your FI that it is good to set a budget now, so that even if you don't start planning and booking things, you are already setting aside x dollars per month to meet your overall budget goal.  Don't go into debt for the wedding or take out a loan, etc.  So putting away whatever extra funds you have now, will go a long way when you are ready to start planning the wedding.

OP- Change your username so we can get to know you.  There are too many Knottie#s floating around here.  We love weddings and will gladly help you plan an etiquette approved wedding.  That is why most of us OMH (Old Married Hags) are still here!

thisismynickname2

OP, everyone else is giving you logistical advice, which is excellent. But I'm just curious, are you more lost about the wedding planning, or lost about not having parents to share in this time in your life? That's the vibe I got from your original post, but I could be wrong. 

There are posters here who went through weddings without any parents, without one parent, and with both parents. Some have wonderful parents who were great through the process and others have parents and in-laws from hell. 

Without parents, there are ways to go around what's traditional. Have a trusted family member walk you down the aisle or walk alone. Sew a small memento to your bouquet. Mention something in the program like "We remember those who could not share in this day, namely X and X."  If you are marrying into a really great family, focus on that excitement.