Impatient

BethBakes

Hello Everyone!

I have been lurking here, along with several other boards for a while, but figured this would be the most appropriate place for me to post currently.

Boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now (yayy!!)  and within the last 6ish months? I’ve gone a little BSC. Not like calling vendors or dress shopping crazy, more just irrationally impatient than anything else, lol. He cannot keep a secret from me to save his life, and I found out he was saving up for a ring (woohoo!) and I know he went shopping (he took one of my best friends, she blabbed- they didn’t find anything) But then life got in the way and he needed the money for something else instead.

Not a big deal, but now I just WANTTOBEENGAGEDSOBAD!! I have told him I don’t need an expensive ring by any means, but he insists he needs to spend AT LEAST X amount. We were going to split the cost as our anniversary gift to each other, but then he decided he needs to pay for the whole thing. So now I wait.

I was doing really well for a while, but the other night he told me he was saving again so now we are back to crazy. I think it is the whole knowing it is coming in the nearish future that makes me so impatient. For now, I’ll continue haunting the Knot and pinning pretty things to my secret wedding pinterest board.      

thespeshulestsnowflake

BethBakes said:

Hello Everyone!

I have been lurking here, along with several other boards for a while, but figured this would be the most appropriate place for me to post currently.

Boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now (yayy!!)  and within the last 6ish months? I’ve gone a little BSC. Not like calling vendors or dress shopping crazy, more just irrationally impatient than anything else, lol. He cannot keep a secret from me to save his life, and I found out he was saving up for a ring (woohoo!) and I know he went shopping (he took one of my best friends, she blabbed- they didn’t find anything) But then life got in the way and he needed the money for something else instead.

Not a big deal, but now I just WANTTOBEENGAGEDSOBAD!! I have told him I don’t need an expensive ring by any means, but he insists he needs to spend AT LEAST X amount. We were going to split the cost as our anniversary gift to each other, but then he decided he needs to pay for the whole thing. So now I wait.

I was doing really well for a while, but the other night he told me he was saving again so now we are back to crazy. I think it is the whole knowing it is coming in the nearish future that makes me so impatient. For now, I’ll continue haunting the Knot and pinning pretty things to my secret wedding pinterest board.      

Best advise I've heard, stop thinking about and waiting around for it. Just live you life and enjoy the relationship as it is now.

Start a new hobby, read a book, lurk here a bit, all good things to do!

Tell us about yourself.

Maggie0829

If you and your BF are on the same page with regards to wanting to marry each other then just be happy with your relationship and stop tapping your toe.  Apparently your BF has a specific plan in mind and even though you don't care about the ring, he does.  Just let it happen when it happens. Nothing wrong with browsing pinterest or lurking/posting on here.  Just be happy and enjoy where you are in your relationship now.

If you keep dwelling on when it may happen it will just drive you crazy and could cause problems in your relationship.

BethBakes

Oh believe me, I love my boyfriend and our relationship in it's current state. Mostly, I don't think about it. Just every so often when he goes on one of his "I can't wait until we're married." "You are going to be such a great/cute mom" etc. tangents, or brings up something about getting engaged, I go a little nuts for a few days, but then I am back to normal

About me: I'm 23, love baking, crafting, etc. I get far too absorbed in trash tv marathons- I can't look away from a good trainwreck! I try (and fail) to work out regularly. I am a terrible cat mom- in that I spoil him rotten. I need more margaritas in my life. 

Blue & White

For what it's worth, being engaged isn't a fast track to being a mom. I would shut that down and let him know it should be shut down. It would probably help to have a conversation with him just so he knows all this talk about the future is kinda making you nuts

In the mean time, hang out around here (we are a lot of old married hags and some with babies! Lol but we did just have a bunch of engagements too. Despite our relationship statuses, we are really supportive of one another)

And take up some hobbies and share pictures of pets and crafts and food etc!

I also planned some damn good vacations during our uh 6ish year relationship before we were engaged too

Blue & White

Lol holy smileys

BethBakes

Oh I am in NO RUSH to be a mom, and he knows my opinions on that. He doesn't bring stuff up too often and I've told him it makes me a little nuts so we are good. It just happened in the last few days- leading me to finally post something. 

I've been lurking for a while, and I really like the knot community, so I plan to hang out for awhile

We don't have as much money for traveling as I would like (car payments, student loans, saving money, etc.) but we did take a pretty awesome out of town weekend trip for our birthdayversary! (my birthday and our anniversary are in the same week) We met a pancake artist and I got a pancake that looks like my face! 

Blue & White

Lol a pancake artist? I like it! And yes we tend to go big one year and then small for the next like five years for vacations lol

casey1219

I've had similar feelings lately...I just posted here my first time just last week. My BF and I haven't been together as long as you and your boyfriend have, but when my BF brought up the possibility of getting married, it sent me a little over the edge. Like you, I didn't look at venues or dress shop; I just got crazy impatient.

This wonderful group advised me to... 

Number one: Take a chill pill (and believe me, I needed one).

Number two: Enjoy the here and now.

Your boyfriend and mine sound a lot alike in what they talk about. For example, the "when we get married" stuff. When BF talks like that to me, my mind goes crazy and I start getting anxious. It only makes me crazier. I just tell my boyfriend I'd rather not talk about it until a proposal is definitely able to happen. It really helped.

You're not alone in being impatient.

BethBakes

Yes! I didn't know that was even a thing, but now I want to hire him for everything!

phira

Honestly, even if you think you don't mind, or if it's infrequent, it'll help if he stops with the future talk. It does add up and it does contribute to impatience.

The thing is, it sounds like you're ready to be engaged, and he's sort of ready, except that he's got all these rules about the ring. It has to cost a certain amount and he has to pay for it entirely himself. There really isn't a consensus here, or anywhere, in terms of whether or not that's his prerogative (I firmly believe that if you want to go halfsies, or if you're not comfortable with him spending a particular amount, then your opinions should factor into the final decision). But if that's what's important to him, then he's got to shut down the future talk.

Often, patience is hard to come by. Distracting yourself helps a lot. if you find yourself coming back to it, though, try to very deliberately remind yourself, "I am not engaged. It will happen eventually. I'm going to go for a run/watch HGTV/read a book/go to lunch with a friend/build a pillow fort instead of thinking about this."

bethsmiles

casey1219 said:

I've had similar feelings lately...I just posted here my first time just last week. My BF and I haven't been together as long as you and your boyfriend have, but when my BF brought up the possibility of getting married, it sent me a little over the edge. Like you, I didn't look at venues or dress shop; I just got crazy impatient.

This wonderful group advised me to... 

Number one: Take a chill pill (and believe me, I needed one).

Number two: Enjoy the here and now.

Your boyfriend and mine sound a lot alike in what they talk about. For example, the "when we get married" stuff. When BF talks like that to me, my mind goes crazy and I start getting anxious. It only makes me crazier. I just tell my boyfriend I'd rather not talk about it until a proposal is definitely able to happen. It really helped.

You're not alone in being impatient.

Chill pills are often found in the form of alcohol

Hi new person! Our screen names are similar which I find humorous so I want you to stick around if only for that reason! I just want to ditto everything @Phira has said because she is wise.

untouchablets

Yep @phira said it all! I'm 24 and have also been with my BF forever, our 6th anniversary is in two months, and I feel your pain. I have taken up hobbies and joined a gym, I'm taking care of MYSELF for right now and trying not to work about when I'll get a ring. BF and I are slowly inching towards big decisions, and it feels like we are making no progress but I am learning the value of patience and it's hard. I can't wait to get that ring but I am not going to rush it. Good luck!

lyndausvi

If you want to be engaged so bad, you can always ask him to marry you.

jenjen047

hi! PP have already offered great advice. definitely ask him to stop the future talk, even if it is infrequent. i had to do this with FI before we got engaged and it helped immensely. it also might help to have a timeline talk so you can set your expectations...."nearish future" is so vague. if you know it will likely be X months before he is ready to propose it will probably help. 

in the meantime, stick around! there are lots of great women here with great advice. 

what sorts of trashy TV do you like?

BethBakes

Thanks everyone! I do know the approximate time line of everything so it does help. He is probably even more excited about the whole process than I am- he's the one that wants the big shiny ring, big wedding, etc. I am perfectly happy to enjoy our life together as is for now.

@jenjen047 there isn't anything I watch religiously, but pretty much the more they have to bleep/blur out the better!

labro

I'll reiterate what many other PP's have said. Enjoy the relationship and the life you have together now! It's so pointless to continuously dream of the future because you're just missing out on all the fun and amazing things you could be doing in the moment. Since this seems to come up so often, I think it would be a good thing to sit down and talk to your BF about a timeline. When does HE picture the two you being married? When do YOU picture that? For some people, they say well I want to have x amount of money saved for a down payment, or I want to pay off my student loans, or I want us to be a certain age, etc. Everyone's timeline is different.

Another point -

You and your BF are young! I know 22 and 23 doesn't seem that young...but you've been dating each other since you were in high school and I think it's personally better to take your time at this age and make sure 100% that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You change SO MUCH in your early 20s and sometimes you grow apart because you don't change together as a couple. There's no need to rush or hurry up and be married and buy a house, have kids, etc. Save your money, travel together, enjoy life! There are tons of "questions to ask before you're married" lists on the Internet. H and I used to have fun conversations where we'd pick a question or two and have a discussion together over them - like what are our spending habits? Where do we see ourselves in 10/20/30 years? How do we imagine retirement? Stuff like that. Many of these things would come up in pre-marital counseling, but I think it's really valuable to discuss these items with your partner even before engagement.