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Wedding Recap and Withdrawal

Ex-groomsman came outta nowhere...

So I kinda wanted to get people's opinion on this... my wedding was awhile ago, so here's the background.

Groomsman is a mutual friend from college, a friend for many years. The rest of the BP, our friends/guests from college all know him.   He kept blowing off getting his tux--he's a guy, guys are lazy. But then tells us he took care of it and went to the store.  We visited him a few times to see his band, (he's about 2 hours away), and we can't think of any reason for something to be wrong.

I get a call from Mens' Warehouse--they're still waiting on him  for our order(this is 3 weeks before the wedding), so we're trying to get a hold of him to clear it up.  He's not returning phone calls. The Best man and other people who know him try to get ahold of him, he's not responding to ANYONE.  We said we'd still like for him to be there, just please call us back.  Eventually we gave up. 

We go on facebook, and there's photos and status' about golfing and drinking with his band buddies...surprise, on the same day as the wedding.  Everyone was asking where he was, and we said we didn't know.  He looked like an ass in a lot of people's eyes.  DH was very hurt because this was supposed to be a close friend of his.  He completely blew us off.  So we've written him off and moved on.  He doesn't talk to anyone in our group of friends, so none of us have heard from him.

DH and I both got a text from him this week, and he wants to know "where the @#$@ have we been? and why we haven't tried to get in touch with him" in the past six months.

Am I miss something here?  He backed outta our wedding out of the blue, couldn't even acknowledge our attempts to contact him, and we're the bad guy? 

Re: Ex-groomsman came outta nowhere...

  • Does he have an alcohol problem? This might be part of the issue. Another thing might be that he is embarrassed for his behaviour, and going the completely wrong way about showing his emotions. Or, even though its really unlikely, he could have had problems with his phone. Either way, you need to lay it down for him. You need to have him over and talk to him about this. Don't discuss it over text. It sounds like the friendship is over, and if that's the case, you need to have some closure instead of just writing him off. He may have a very legitmate excuse.
  •   I actually think a big part of it is maturity and embarassment--I think he changed his mind and had no intention of coming and I think that's why he was avoiding us.  We have no clue where that came from. We know his family, he knows ours, same group of friends from college, and people really were shocked he didn't show. 

    When I mentioned the "golfing, drinking beers" it appeared to be more of a social thing, but the change of behavior and severing contact with me, dh, AND other friends was a sudden change of character, so I did wonder if it's drugs/alcohol, but I kind of dismissed that theory.  The friends see him on facebook and he seems like he's the same, he's just outgrown us and has a new set of friends.  We didn't delete, block, or anything, so he's always had some way to contact us.

    I don't think there were phone issues, he did pick up once to say "I'll call you back, I'm at work"... never heard from him, DH tried one more time, and that's when we gave up.  He was probably drunk when he texted us this time. He's stuck in the frat house mode.

    I'm fine if DH patches things up with him, but he's not happy about this either  We were both hurt by this, but if he has a good reason we can forgive him. But it was a pretty lousy thing to do  

    We pretty much moved on and it's like "oh...that came out of nowhere..."

  • edited December 2011
    Well, if you guys are moved on, that's good. If i were in this situation, I would sit him down and give him a talking to about being an asshole. But that's just me. Wink
  • I would ask the same question right back to him.
  • If you've moved on, do you even need to bring up the past? If you think the friendship is worth saving, move forward, dont go back.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I hate when people act like this, as if they do nothing wrong. I agree that you should give him a talking to. I don't think he will apologize or own up to anything but I'm glad you moved on. 
    BabyFruit Ticker www.MyVacationCountdown.com Ticker
  • I would talk to him as though he were an adult even though he behaved as a child and tell him that he was fully aware that he lied about renting the tux and obviously had no intention of attending the wedding, so to just be mature enough to own up to his behavior and go on with his life ass you and your husband have gone on with yours and hope that he treats his new circle of friends better than he did the last and let go of the friendship.  True friends don't like to you and skip out on such a special moment in your life, so other than past memories, there's nothing worth holding on to with this guy.  He's shown you where his priorities are.  People need to stop allowing other people the opportunity to hurt them more than once.  Once should be enough.  Move on without him.  Life is too short for his games and disregard for your friendship and feelings.
    Cat in the Hat Fan
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