Moms and Maids

Mother of the Bride Nightmare

This is my first post on here but I know someone somewhere must be experiencing this-unfortunately. I am a young bride and my fiancee and I have been together for about 5 years. Our-hopefully-wedding will be on August 13, 2016. I have had such a struggle with my mom. She has put down every idea I have said and now its to the point where I don't even want to think the wedding because no matter what she will put it now. Last month, she dragged me to a wedding dress salon to just look at dress. We didn't have a budget in mind like I wanted. She was actually interested in the wedding so of course, I went along. My mom says she will give some money for the wedding but isn't sure about how much and she'll give it to at some point. Unfortunately, my financee and I can't fund the wedding ourselves. But today, I asked if a date this August would work to go dress shopping with my friend, two of my grandmas, her and my future mother in law. And of course she went off the deep end. She said that it would be a circus and no one would have fun and that her and my grandma-her mom don't want to be involved if that is what I want. My question is how do you deal with this? 

Re: Mother of the Bride Nightmare

  • This is my first post on here but I know someone somewhere must be experiencing this-unfortunately. I am a young bride and my fiancee and I have been together for about 5 years. Our-hopefully-wedding will be on August 13, 2016. I have had such a struggle with my mom. She has put down every idea I have said and now its to the point where I don't even want to think the wedding because no matter what she will put it now. Last month, she dragged me to a wedding dress salon to just look at dress. We didn't have a budget in mind like I wanted. She was actually interested in the wedding so of course, I went along. My mom says she will give some money for the wedding but isn't sure about how much and she'll give it to at some point. Unfortunately, my financee and I can't fund the wedding ourselves. But today, I asked if a date this August would work to go dress shopping with my friend, two of my grandmas, her and my future mother in law. And of course she went off the deep end. She said that it would be a circus and no one would have fun and that her and my grandma-her mom don't want to be involved if that is what I want. My question is how do you deal with this? 

    1) Don't expect anyone to fund anything (except you two). And do not plan on promised money. Only plan on money that has cleared your bank account. Bonus: paying for stuff yourself means no one else gets a say. If anyone else contributes, they get a say.
    2) If you're getting only negative feedback from your mom, stop talking to her about the wedding.
    3) Four people isn't too many to take dress shopping, but I wouldn't take many more than that. Everyone has a different opinion and it can be overwhelming.
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    OliveOilsMom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    You are over a year out and your mom is stressing you out.  That shouldn't be happening.  Your mom has offered money for the wedding, before you even go dress shopping, sit down with her and talk budget.  If she is wishy washy about it, take that as a sign that she will not actually give you any money.  So start planning your wedding without her funds.

    Take a look at how much money you can save per month.  Take that amount and times it by how many months before your wedding.  That's your budget.  If you budget is small, have a wedding that does not fall over a mealtime.  For example, have a 2 PM ceremony than a cake and punch reception.  If you have a reception over a mealtime, a meal is appropriate to serve.

    There are many ways to have a budget wedding.  A backyard BBQ can be done inexpensively or even a Sunday brunch/lunch reception can also be affordable.

    The positives to paying for your own wedding, is that you don't have to have your mom involved in the discussions.  So she cannot shoot down your ideas.  She can't complain about something she doesn't know about.

    [Deleted User]doeydo
  • I knew that our budget would be small even with help and I have suggested that budget friendly options of doing something else than a whole day thing. My mom's response was why even waste your time then if it'll only be a couple hours. I have a venue idea: I want a barn but I have been on the search for one. I have tried talking budget and I got the response that she'll give me a $1,000-2,000 but doesn't know when she will have it... BUT she is actively looking for her next vacation to Mexico for next year. I have tried a lot of things and nothing has had much success thus this desperate post for advice. 
  • I knew that our budget would be small even with help and I have suggested that budget friendly options of doing something else than a whole day thing. My mom's response was why even waste your time then if it'll only be a couple hours. I have a venue idea: I want a barn but I have been on the search for one. I have tried talking budget and I got the response that she'll give me a $1,000-2,000 but doesn't know when she will have it... BUT she is actively looking for her next vacation to Mexico for next year. I have tried a lot of things and nothing has had much success thus this desperate post for advice. 
    There's nothing wrong with having a small wedding and short reception, it is totally worth it because you're getting married! Now if you have a lot of out of town guests they might not feel like it is worth the travel but you may be surprised because seeing someone you care about get married is a great thing. 

    If she is only giving you a rough idea and says that she won't know when she'll have it I'd take that as she isn't going to give you anything. You will be in a much better position if you assume you're not getting any help now and 6 months out from your wedding she surprises you with $1000 for your wedding. If that's the case then great you can add beer and wine to the menu or add something else you were cutting out and if she doesn't well that's fine because you budgeted without her contribution and are fine. If you count on that $1000 and then she doesn't give it to you it will be very stressful.

    I highlighted the part about her planning a vacation to Mexico and that's because you need to let that go. You don't get to choose how to spend her money. A lot of people complain about how people are going on vacations or buying expensive new clothes while their reason for not helping with stuff is that they don't have the money. Your wedding is never as important to anyone else as it is to you and your fiance. 

    And final bit of advice barns are kind of a trend right now so it may be harder than you think to find a low budget barn. We're getting married in a castle and there were a few barns on our list which were more expensive than the castle. Some of the cheaper ones we saw ended up being on the higher end of our budget because we would have been responsible for renting tables, chairs, etc... This is also a reason you should probably want to have your budget set and a venue picked before you go dress shopping and fall in love with a dress. You'd want a very different dress for a barn than you would a castle or some other venue.
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    [Deleted User]doeydodowntondiva
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I knew that our budget would be small even with help and I have suggested that budget friendly options of doing something else than a whole day thing. My mom's response was why even waste your time then if it'll only be a couple hours. I have a venue idea: I want a barn but I have been on the search for one. I have tried talking budget and I got the response that she'll give me a $1,000-2,000 but doesn't know when she will have it... BUT she is actively looking for her next vacation to Mexico for next year. I have tried a lot of things and nothing has had much success thus this desperate post for advice. 

    No advice about barns, but it sounds like talking to your mother about any aspect of the wedding is counterproductive because she cannot be relied upon to follow through on promises and throws temper tantrums if you don't "involve" her in the way she wants.

    I'd budget for and plan your wedding as though your mother is not going to come through with the money and won't be going dress shopping with you.  That's sad and painful, but it might make your engagement run on a more even keel than if you "involve" her.  If she says anything about that, I'd respond, "Mom, you and I have very different ideas about how to plan weddings, so FI and I have decided to plan what is for us an affordable and enjoyable wedding.  I'm sorry for your disappointment, but our wedding is a closed subject from now on."

    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Okay, here's the thing.  The only people responsible for paying for your wedding are you and your FI.  Not your parents, not his parents.  You and him.  That's it.  If anybody - like your mom - offers to help contribute, that's great, but you should not count on any financial help unless and until you have it in your hand, and you need to be aware that if they give you money they have the ability to demand a say in how it is spent.

    You need to sit down with your FI and have a conversation about what kind of wedding you want and what your budget is.  If you can't afford the wedding you want right now you can either postpone it until you have saved the amount of money you need, whatever that might be, or you can change your plans to have a wedding you can afford sooner.  Your mom says she is willing to pay $1000-2000 dollars but is unwilling to commit to an amount or a time when she'll give it to you, and it sounds like she has ideas about what kind of wedding she wants you to have with that money.  I strongly urge you not to rely on that money but rather consider it a bonus if it shows up.  Plan based on what you and your FI can save.



    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]arrrghmateydoeydo
  • You shouldn't be doing a thing (dress shopping, venue shopping etc) until you have a budget, whether it's a lump sum saved up already, or some way of saving X # of $ per month. You can't create a guest list, pick out food, or anything until you have that number set.

    Don't rely on what your mom MIGHT give you. Unless she hands you a wad of cash or writes you a check (and it clears...) don't account for that money. And if she does give you money, great stick it in your savings because you've already paid for the wedding!

    Once your budget is all set, then start your planning. As for her being negative, stop talking to her about the wedding then. Take 2 of your close friends to look at dresses, and that's it, cuz it sounds like she'll probably just be negative about that too.

    As for you, BE HAPPY YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED! That's the most important thing here :)
    OliveOilsMomdoeydo
  • It's really hard to be happy when the result is negativity all around me. Thanks for the advice! 
  • It's really hard to be happy when the result is negativity all around me. Thanks for the advice! 

    Oh I know how you feel, I think a lot of girls do. But you only get one day so make the most of it and have the best time you can. There's gonna be ups and downs, but at the end of the day you get to spend the rest of your life with the love of your life :)
    MesmrEwe
  • Either postpone until you can afford the wedding you want or have a very small, parents/grandparents only ceremony that you can afford. We were married at the court house and have no regrets.
    CMGragain
  • Just remember that the only thing you need to get married is the cost of the marriage license. Everything else is extra. You and your fiance can have a wedding just the two of you. The minute you invite people, you have to take hosting them after into consideration. It doesn't have to be a huge expensive party though.

    You can take them all to dinner at a restaurant afterwards.

    You can get married at 2pm (non-meal time) and just do cake and punch.

    You can do it at a public park and host it with sandwich trays and sheet cake from Costco.

    It doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. You just need to make sure every person invited has a seat and that you provide food and drinks adequate for the time of day.

    CMGragain[Deleted User]OliveOilsMomdoeydo
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited July 2015
    This is my first post on here but I know someone somewhere must be experiencing this-unfortunately. I am a young bride and my fiancee and I have been together for about 5 years. Our-hopefully-wedding will be on August 13, 2016. I have had such a struggle with my mom. She has put down every idea I have said and now its to the point where I don't even want to think the wedding because no matter what she will put it now. Last month, she dragged me to a wedding dress salon to just look at dress. We didn't have a budget in mind like I wanted. She was actually interested in the wedding so of course, I went along. My mom says she will give some money for the wedding but isn't sure about how much and she'll give it to at some point. Unfortunately, my financee and I can't fund the wedding ourselves. But today, I asked if a date this August would work to go dress shopping with my friend, two of my grandmas, her and my future mother in law. And of course she went off the deep end. She said that it would be a circus and no one would have fun and that her and my grandma-her mom don't want to be involved if that is what I want. My question is how do you deal with this? 
    You certainly can fund your own wedding!  You get a marriage license, dress up in a nice dress (suit for your FI), and go get married, either in a courthouse, or in a church by a minister.  You could also arrange to be married in a special place, like a park or a beach.   Yes, this is a REAL WEDDING.

    You will be just as married as any girl who has walked down the aisle in a $20,000 dress with seventeen bridesmaids! 
    About the dress shopping, I have to agree with your mother on this one.  Most bridal shops don't have enough room for that many people, and grandmas might need to sit down.  I shopped for my own dress alone, many years ago.  My daughter and I went together to choose her dress.  Other people may have different opinions, but I think too many people will make it difficult for you to choose what YOU want, and not what they want.
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    doeydo
  • Suggestions:

    -Stop talking to your mom about the wedding. She can't complain about your choices if you aren't sharing them with her. If she brings up the wedding keep changing the subject.

    -I'd stop "planning the wedding" without a budget. Honestly I wouldn't even consider setting a date until you and your FI have the established budget and the means to fund that budget. Why would you set a date if you don't even have the money and or the means fund your own wedding?

    -Have a drink or go for a walk. Try to distract yourself from the stress and focus on other things.

     

    Good luck!

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    [Deleted User]CMGragaindoeydo
  • It's really hard to be happy when the result is negativity all around me. Thanks for the advice! 

    Reading through everyone's responses - they're amazingly positive to help you avoid stress and negativity. 

    The worst thing we have had FAR too many times happen on the boards is between 2mo and 6mo before the wedding people who said they would help the B&G out suddenly either can't come up with the money, they've had other expenses come up they didn't plan on, they don't like the menu selection of the B&G, they have a hairy big toe and need it fixed, etc.  and bottom line can't pay for what they said they would, sometimes to the tune of $10,000!  Everyone here is trying to help you avoid that possibility!  Now, your Mom only offered you between $1-2000, but as you stated you're young.  If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to figure out how to pay for a wedding as it's only the first of many big life expenses you're going to face.  Given what you've said on finances, I'd recommend moving it out another year to give you time to save up if you want to have more than a courthouse wedding (the only thing you need to get legally married is your state's requirements for a marriage license)... 

    It sounds like your Mom has definite ideas for your wedding, but quite honestly, before you even talk about dress shopping, have the money in-hand, have your budget/venues figured out, and have your guest list figured out.  THEN go dress shopping with those who are going to be supportive.  Dress shopping really is one of those things that the fewer cooks you have in the kitchen the better off you are!  The reason is, your voice being heard first.  Going with the huge group only works on television, in the real world, it's a recipe for going over your budget and ending up with a dress you're more likely to be pressured into choosing instead of choosing the dress FOR YOU! 

    Remember - focus on planning the marriage, not just the wedding!

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