No Father/Daughter Dance = No Mother/Son Dance?

Knottie84379448

I am put in a tough position. My father passed away 9 years ago and for my wedding I was going to dance with my mom but she also passed away. I am getting married next year and my fiance's mom is VERY traditional. She wants to to still do a Mother/Son dance. I wanted to forgo all of these dances because it would draw attention to the fact that their is no father/daughter dance (i don't have any other close male figures). I think it would bring up way too many emotions and will make it even harder for myself and possibly my family to enjoy the day. Am I unreasonable to take this away from them? Or can my fiance just explain that he would rather dance with her on the dance floor while everyone else is dancing?

2. I would like to walk down the aisle with my fiance. I know it's my wedding and I can do what I want - but has anyone else done this or is it weird?

AddieCake

No, you are not unreasonable if it will hurt you so much. Talk to your fiance about it and tell him how you feel. I'm sorry for your losses. Lots of people walk with their fiances. It won't be weird at all. 

novella1186

I'm sorry for your losses. I agree with Addie, talk to your fiance. Does he even want to do a mother-son dance? It sounds like this is all his mom's idea, but it's not his mom's wedding. Talk to him and let him know how you feel, and then he can speak with his mother and let her know what the two of you plan to do/not do. If it's going to upset you or make you feel bad, you are absolutely within your rights to not want the mother-son dance. 

FWIW I think all the spotlight dances are unnecessary anyway, and seem to be getting less popular. 

It definitely would not be weird if you walked down the aisle with your fiance. There's no hard fast rule for who walks you; people walk alone, or with a friend, or a sibling, or with their significant other, or whatever. Whatever works for you. Best of luck. 

BeaSpring

Girl as you said IS YOUR WEDDING! Explain your mother in law hw you feel about it. You are definitely not unreasonable infact i think that is your day and your husband should dance only with you!

For what concern walking down the aisle with your groom i think is very romantic and special, unique and gives a pinch of modernity to your wedding!

[Deleted User]

BeaSpring said:

Girl as you said IS YOUR WEDDING! Explain your mother in law hw you feel about it. You are definitely not unreasonable infact i think that is your day and your husband should dance only with you!

For what concern walking down the aisle with your groom i think is very romantic and special, unique and gives a pinch of modernity to your wedding!

I agree that you should talk to your FI about how he feels about the mother/son dance.  If he wants to do it, you should contemplate if it will be too hard for your or if you can let them do that while you go get your drink on.

If anyone is going to talk to your FMIL about how you feel, it should be your FI since it's his mother.  You shouldn't have to explain this to her.  You should explain it to HIM and let HIM talk to Her.

I disagree that your husband should dance Only with you.  That's just silly.

Unique means One of a Kind.  It is not unique to walk down the aisle with your FI.  In fact, I think it's becoming quite popular.  In this day and age of people getting married older in life, it can kind of mean that you're coming into this marriage thing together.  I like it.

Jen4948

Knottie84379448 said:

I am put in a tough position. My father passed away 9 years ago and for my wedding I was going to dance with my mom but she also passed away. I am getting married next year and my fiance's mom is VERY traditional. She wants to to still do a Mother/Son dance. I wanted to forgo all of these dances because it would draw attention to the fact that their is no father/daughter dance (i don't have any other close male figures). I think it would bring up way too many emotions and will make it even harder for myself and possibly my family to enjoy the day. Am I unreasonable to take this away from them? Or can my fiance just explain that he would rather dance with her on the dance floor while everyone else is dancing? 

I like the bolded approach because it gives them a dance without it being a spotlight dance since it isn't possible for you to have one with your father.

2. I would like to walk down the aisle with my fiance. I know it's my wedding and I can do what I want - but has anyone else done this or is it weird?  I don't think it would be weird at all - I think it would be very sweet and moving. 

Knottie84379448

Thank you for the advice! I think the situations I posed would make me the most comfortable and able to enjoy the wedding if the two of them danced without a particular spotlight and walking down the aisle together would be romantic considering we are taking pictures before the wedding.

SP29

1. Sorry for your loss . I agree- talk to FI about this, then have him talk to his mom about it. Something you could do, is get his mom to pick out a song she would like to dance to with him, then the DJ can play it as part of the regular line up and they can dance together then. No need to draw attention to it- it is their special moment together.

2. Not weird at all. On some wedding show I was watching a couple years back, the bride and the groom entered the church from two separate doors, met at the start of the aisle and then continued down the aisle together. I quite liked it. I agree, gives the sentiment of you two going into marriage together.

gmcr78

I went through something similar. I don't have a relationship with my father so he wasn't at my wedding. At first I felt funny about my DH having the mother/son dance, but that was something that he was really looking forward to, so in the end I sucked it up for him.  They got their lovely dance and nobody felt weird about it, including me. 

Good luck.

princessleia22

DH and I still have our parents, but we didn't want a bunch of spotlight dances.  So, for father-daughter dance and mother-son dance, we picked songs and DJ announced the dance, but asked the guests to join us on the dance floor.  So, we still had those special dances without them being solo.  Maybe something like that would work for your situation. His mom can choose a song that is special to them, DJ can announce that dance, and invite everyone else to join them on the dance floor.  That way she gets her dance and it doesn't draw as much attention as a solo spotlight dance would.

kvruns

we did a father/daughter dance but no mother/son dance. H's mom died 18 years ago and he didn't want to do a dance with his stepmom since they aren't close. No one questioned it or made a comment. 

The bigger issue is if it will upset you then talk with your FI to see if he really wants one or if it is more MIL than anything

luckya23

I did a father/daughter dance, but H just didn't bother to do a mother/son dance.  I'm not sure if MIL noticed, and she claimed to have not read the email in which I asked her if she wanted to.

lembaslover

I agree with PP talk to your fiance and express how this would hurt you. If it's just his mom really wanting a dance maybe have your fiance tell her that he'll save a dance for her and even play a song she likes for it but it just won't be a spotlight dance. During that time you can just dance with your friends or relax with a drink. This way you don't feel as much of the pain of not having the father/daughter spotlight dance and they can still have a special moment.

wackall

If this is truly important to hubby or FILs...(you need to find out the truth about that)...

If there's any way you can accommodate this by sharing the dance with your ffil, or avoiding any big announcement or keeping it super short or making it part of a bigger WP dance, or as a last resort by leaving the room I would think truly search your heart for an acceptable option.  See if you can find a Win-Win solution.   I went to one wedding, where the bride danced with every male guest over the age of her dad allowing each one to cut in while the groom danced with his mom.  All eyes were on the bride and those guests who got to dance with her were over the moon!  They were so proud to be given the opportunity to stand in for only a few seconds and imagine she was their daughter.  Again just see if you can find something that will be okay for you. I don't think you'll regret that in 15 years.  If you can't then just understand this could be an issue for a long time. 

15 years ago my younger son and ex-dil had the same situation.  When she said , H_ll no, that's not happening, I accepted it without a word but was very hurt.  My son and I had a dance later in the evening with everyone else and it was very awkward because she had made both of us feel guilty for even wanting it.  This caused some negative feelings between the bride and groom.  Found out later he agreed to it because she handled it very poorly and made him feel he had to pick between us, and he resented it.  Please be very careful about how you handle it with both of them.  Don't make them feel as bad as you think you will.  The point is it's 15 years later and it's not forgotten.   Your FILs ( my husband was pissed at both of them for hurting me)  and hubby won't forget it even if you do. 

JediElizabeth

I'm in the same boat. My dad died 16 years ago, but I'd still be sobbing like a baby if my fiance and his mom got a mother-son dance and I didn't have a father-daughter one. Same for the walk down the aisle: he's Jewish, and he wanted them to walk him down the aisle together, but for me (raised Catholic), I could never have just my mom walk me down. Both situations would call attention to my dad's absence as clearly as having the officiant ask for a moment of silence (something we won't do, for the exact same reason: weddings are for happy tears, not mournful ones).

Instead, we're having my mom walk, then his parents, then him, followed by the bridal party. We're foregoing all dances except the first dance. 

It was really important to me, and when I explained this to my fiance, he understood and agreed. After all, he's lucky enough to have both parents there on his wedding day, so he's willing to ease that pain for me a bit by being flexible. (And I'm wonderfully lucky to have a fiance with that kind of mindset about these things.)

TheCheeseWench

wackall said:

If this is truly important to hubby or FILs...(you need to find out the truth about that)...

If there's any way you can accommodate this by sharing the dance with your ffil, or avoiding any big announcement or keeping it super short or making it part of a bigger WP dance, or as a last resort by leaving the room I would think truly search your heart for an acceptable option.  See if you can find a Win-Win solution.   I went to one wedding, where the bride danced with every male guest over the age of her dad allowing each one to cut in while the groom danced with his mom.  All eyes were on the bride and those guests who got to dance with her were over the moon!  They were so proud to be given the opportunity to stand in for only a few seconds and imagine she was their daughter.  Again just see if you can find something that will be okay for you. I don't think you'll regret that in 15 years.  If you can't then just understand this could be an issue for a long time. 

15 years ago my younger son and ex-dil had the same situation.  When she said , H_ll no, that's not happening, I accepted it without a word but was very hurt.  My son and I had a dance later in the evening with everyone else and it was very awkward because she had made both of us feel guilty for even wanting it.  This caused some negative feelings between the bride and groom.  Found out later he agreed to it because she handled it very poorly and made him feel he had to pick between us, and he resented it.  Please be very careful about how you handle it with both of them.  Don't make them feel as bad as you think you will.  The point is it's 15 years later and it's not forgotten.   Your FILs ( my husband was pissed at both of them for hurting me)  and hubby won't forget it even if you do. 

Seriously? The BRIDE should have to leave the room at HER wedding to avoid a painful situation because a GROWN WOMAN is going to hold a grudge over not having a spotlight dance? Unless the GROOM is dead set on it and would be upset (though I would hope he would be concerned about the feelings of his new WIFE), this is SELFISH. I'm sorry that your exDIL handled it poorly, but it is cruel and unreasonable to expect her to be in emotional pain on HER wedding day. With or without a super special dance, the parents get to share in the joy of the day, and gain a new member of the family. I cant imagine even wanting to have something that would potentially hurt a new DIL. Thankfully both of our Mothers look at us as a new son/daughter, and only want what is best for us. Crying on one's wedding day (or feeling that their new family is not sensitive to what might hurt them) is not that.

OP-
We are skipping all "spotlight" dances, "first dance" included. If FI wants to dance with his Mother, great, but neither of us are keen on the idea of the spectacle. We feel as though people will have spent enough time staring at us waiting for the party to start. Also, I decided to go ahead with my Mother's request to walk me down the aisle. It makes her happy, so we have asked FMIL to do a reading during the ceremony as her part, since FFIL & FBIL are groomsmen (we aren't having a MOH/BM). This way everyone is included in some way and won't feel left out. Perhaps find another way to include your FMIL that won't draw attention to the fact that your parents aren't there? Also, since your Mother is not there to walk you, I say absolutely walk with your FI.

MandyMost

My father died when I was 17, so I was in a similar situation. At other people's weddings I usually leave the room during the father-daughter dance, because it's hard for me to watch. However, I didn't want to take away the opportunity for my husband to dance with his mom at the wedding. 

What worked for us was to have a "friends and family dance". As our first dance ended, the DJ announced that we had invited our families (and a family who is technically not related, but is like my second family) to join us on the dance floor (this was pre-arranged, and everyone knew who they were and who they were going to dance with). We had 6 couples dancing, and I switched off a bunch of times with people. My husband danced with his mom for the whole song (while his father was supposed to be dancing with his sister, but instead decided to take pictures of the mother-son dancing pair, while leaving the sister standing alone awkwardly on the dance floor, but that's beside the point). I had a blast, and didn't feel like there was a big gaping hole where my father should be. 

As for walking down the aisle, the more non-traditional you go the more people are going to comment on it later. And some comments won't be supportive (people are jerks). I think it's a great idea, and there's clearly nothing wrong with doing it. But it's up to you if you want to take the comments or not. For me, I would have preferred to walk down the aisle alone. I've always hated the idea of being "given away". In fact, if my father was alive, I'm pretty sure I would have walked down the aisle alone. But I knew that I'd get all kinds of sad looks and sympathy about "poor girl, her father died" if I walked down alone. My mother didn't want to do it (she's more traditional about gender roles), so I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle.