Honorary bridesmaids????

mikeandsam788

Help! I have two cousins that I am very close with but I am not asking them to be bridesmaids. We want to keep the bridal party at a certain number. I am asking my 2 cousins who are sisters of the one that I am not asking. I want my other two cousins to be involved in everything I don't want them to feel left out. I have been trying to find a little gift to give them when I ask my two other cousins but I haven't found anything yet. Any suggestions on what to do????

thisismynickname2

mikeandsam788 said:

Help! I have two cousins that I am very close with but I am not asking them to be bridesmaids. We want to keep the bridal party at a certain number. I am asking my 2 cousins who are sisters of the one that I am not asking. I want my other two cousins to be involved in everything I don't want them to feel left out. I have been trying to find a little gift to give them when I ask my two other cousins but I haven't found anything yet. Any suggestions on what to do????

It's nice you want to try to include them, but honorary bridesmaid is not a thing. It makes people feel second class. If you are closer to two other cousins, that's fine. That is the nature of relationships. You don't invite your bridal party in circles, you just ask who you're closest to. 

Don't do gifts either. You may invite them to read a passage or two during the ceremony. There are no other "roles"- don't ask them to hand out programs or man a guestbook. Just let them be guests and have a great time. 

AddieCake

Readers, singers, ushers, and bridesmaids are the only roles for them. Honorary bridesmaids is not a thing. 

OliveOilsMom

Don't ask them to be honorary BMs, they are either a BM or they are not.  Don't mention to them that they are not BM, just ask who you want as BMs and don't mention it to the others.  If they asked about being BMs, which they shouldn't - that's rude on their part, just say that you have chosen Jane and Sally to be BMs and give no further explanations.

banana468

Ditto PPs.   The only way someone can be an honorary bridesmaid is if she agreed to be a BM and then can't attend due to extenuating circumstances like serving her country or having a child.   It's not cool to ask someone to be a "runner up bridesmaid" because it well - stings.

As @AddieCake said, you have other options where they could be readers, singers, ushers or bridesmaids. 

STARMOON44

Gross. You want them to be involved and included in everything, except your numbers are more important. What makes you think you're so important to them when they aren't to you?

frenchiekin

Ditto PPs, but also, try not to get super hung-up on a certain number of bridesmaids.  If you really want these cousins to be BMs and would under other circumstances but you're not asking them because you want to keep it to a certain number, it seems silly to me.  You should ask those closest to you to be bridesmaids, whatever that number might be, and either choose to honor the others by asking them to do a reading at the ceremony or let them enjoy themselves as guests.

ETA missing words

Liatris2010

Bridesmaid is already an honorary title, so honorary BM doesnt make sense. Ask them to be bridesmaids or dont, but a BM who doesnt stand with the WP and sits with the guests is a guest, not an honorary bridesmaid.

If you are stuck in even numbers, give that up now. People are more important than numbers. Pick the people you want and dont worry about the count.

zitiqueen

Guest is also an honor. 

Jen4948

"Honorary bridesmaid" = slap in the face because I want to "include" you without actually making you a bridesmaid.

You either ask them to be bridesmaids or ask them to be ushers, singers, or readers.  But there are no other "roles" for them in the ceremony besides "guest."

Believe it or not, the role of "guest" is a true honor.

SP29

You could ask them to do a reading.

You can always invite them to get ready with you (nails, make up, hair) and hang out before the ceremony.

You could get them a corsage.

Being a guest is also just fine.

Please do not give them a "special" title, because all it looks like is a consolation prize. You either ask them to be bridesmaids, or you don't. And that's ok.

I'm not sure why in specific you are looking for a gift for these cousins... but you can always give someone a gift.

southernbelle0915

AddieCake said:

Readers, singers, ushers, and bridesmaids are the only roles for them. Honorary bridesmaids is not a thing. 

This. Trying to give them some B-list title is basically saying "well, we wanted a certain number and you weren't in the top 4 so....."

This wouldnt make me feel special at all. Quite the contrary, I'd feel second rate.

wmam35

I had a similar situation where I had two of my cousins who I was very close to be bridesmaids, but I didn't ask my other cousin, who was a sister of one of the cousins I asked to be a bridesmaid.  I didn't do anything for the "left out" cousin though, and everything worked out fine.  I wouldn't worry about it.

levioosa

Telling someone they are an "honorary bridesmaid" tells them they weren't good enough to make the cut.  What a slap in the face.  It also sends the message that your bridesmaids are just props for pictures, since the even amount matters more to you than having them stand by your side.

Also, the only "duties" of bridesmaids are to show up the day of the wedding, sober, in the right dress, and in good spirits.  That is it.  

If you want to honor them, have them do a reading, or ask them to be bridesmaids.  

SlothGoals

PPs have covered everything, I just wanted to add that you may end up hurting their feelings if you give them a gift as a consolation for not being a bridesmaid.

CMGragain

There is no rule that if you choose one cousin, you must also choose her sister.  Just choose who you want, and be sure and invite other cousins as guests.  It is an honor to be a guest at a wedding.  Please, no consolation prize gifts or made-up titles.  That is insulting.

mikeandsam788

@STARMOON44 never said they aren't important to me. They are important to me that's why I want them included in everything. We want to keep the bridal party at a certain number because that's what we can afford. Why is there always one person on here that has to be nasty? I asked a question simply looking for advice, I appreciate those who gave it.

mrscomposer

mikeandsam788 said:

@STARMOON44 never said they aren't important to me. They are important to me that's why I want them included in everything. We want to keep the bridal party at a certain number because that's what we can afford. Why is there always one person on here that has to be nasty? I asked a question simply looking for advice, I appreciate those who gave it.

She was working off the information you gave us.  If you had said the bolded in your first post, it would have made sense and we wouldn't have gotten the wrong impression.

Good on you for keeping an eye on the budget for your BMs.  I agree with everyone who said that being a guest is an honour in itself, but a reader is also a good option.  I also agree that you could ask them to get ready with you the morning of.

princessleia22

Like others said, calling them "honorary bridesmaids" just points out that they aren't selected to be actual bridesmaids. It's okay to not have them in the wedding party.  But, that doesn't mean that they can't join you at pre-wedding events. As long as they are invited to the wedding, you can still invite them to join in bachelorette party, showers, getting ready, and all other pre-wedding festivities, even if they aren't officially part of the wedding party.

STARMOON44

mikeandsam788 said:

@STARMOON44 never said they aren't important to me. They are important to me that's why I want them included in everything. We want to keep the bridal party at a certain number because that's what we can afford. Why is there always one person on here that has to be nasty? I asked a question simply looking for advice, I appreciate those who gave it.

They're not important enough to you to be bridesmaids! I don't care whether it is symmetry, numerology, budget, or space. You have made decisions that value something above having these girls as bridesmaids. That's totally fine. You need to realize that they then might value things above you, like having time to themselves instead of helping with your wedding.

It makes no sense to me to be looking to buy them a little gift while claiming you can't afford for them to be bridesmaids.

hashtag43016

You say include them in everything?? What does that mean exactly? 

People who aren't in your bridal party can go to other wedding events (bachelorette party, bridal shower) if they are invited to the wedding. 

If you mean you want them involved in addressing invites, creating centerpieces and helping set up and tear down, that's not an "honorary bridesmaid", that's unhired help and it's very rude. 

Jen4948

mikeandsam788 said:

@STARMOON44 never said they aren't important to me. They are important to me that's why I want them included in everything. We want to keep the bridal party at a certain number because that's what we can afford. Why is there always one person on here that has to be nasty? I asked a question simply looking for advice, I appreciate those who gave it.

Without speaking for @STARMOON44, let me ask this:

Why do you want to "include them in everything" without making them bridesmaids?

If they're really important to you, why don't you want to ask them to be bridesmaids?  You don't need even sides or "certain numbers" in your wedding party to have a valid wedding.  Giving them gifts and "including them in everything" while making clear that they're not bridesmaids won't make anyone feel appreciated or valued as a friend or feel that they're "important" to you.

This is not to say that you have to make them bridesmaids in order to include them in anything or make them feel appreciated or valued or "important" to you.  But you don't need to give them gifts to do it, which are more likely to make them feel worse than however they already feel about not being your bridesmaids.

So forget about the gifts and just treat these important people as honored guests.  You can invite them to parties, get ready with them, and do everything you would do with your bridesmaids without giving them gifts or calling them "honorary" anything.