Moms and Maids

What to do when a bridesmaid drops out?

romanticozromanticoz North Carolina member
First Comment
So Iam trying to stay calm and not get too upset but I'm feeling discouraged/sad.

I've been engaged since October and asked my bridesmaids to b in my wedding early. Now it is about 7 months later and one of the girls just texted me to drop out. I have about 8 months left until my wedding. We are about to go bridesmaid dress shopping this next month.

Anyways she dropped out because she feels she can't commit the time. I understand. But now I am like concerned on what to do.

I have time to add someone else. But should I? I don't want anyone to feel second rate. Also what do I ask when the other girls ask about her?

Suggestions ladies.... Advice....

What do u do when u feel discouraged about it also? I feel like this friend of mine who I want to be a major part of my big day has chosen not to. Because she doesn't have the time. She says because she won't let anyone watch her 1 yr old (but she knows she can bring him to the dress apts, which r the only things going on). I guess I don't understand because I don't have children. I am staying calm and I just texted her when she dropped out via text and said I am sorry; I understand. I hope u can still attend the bridal shower and wedding when the time comes.

Re: What to do when a bridesmaid drops out?

  • Bridal parties do not have to be even. Do not ask someone just for the sake of having even numbers because pictures. I would be super upset if I was a B list bridesmaid. It's rude. 

    Also, I am confused about what she couldn't commit time for. Her only "job" as a BM is to show up on time, sober, in the right dress. I hope you weren't placing other expectations on her. 

    Also, don't snark on the fact that she won't let anyone watch her one year old. That shouldn't be any of your concern. 

    If she truly can't be a bridesmaid, be gracious and understanding. Still extend an offer to include her in any events like your bachelorette, but do not expect her to help out with wedding planning. Not her job. 

    Also remember that just because she may no longer be a BM, this woman is still your friend. Please please remember that and continue to maintain your relationship with her as your friend....not as a former BM.  
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So Iam trying to stay calm and not get too upset but I'm feeling discouraged/sad. I've been engaged since October and asked my bridesmaids to b in my wedding early. Now it is about 7 months later and one of the girls just texted me to drop out. I have about 8 months left until my wedding. We are about to go bridesmaid dress shopping this next month. Anyways she dropped out because she feels she can't commit the time. I understand. But now I am like concerned on what to do. I have time to add someone else. But should I? I don't want anyone to feel second rate. Also what do I ask when the other girls ask about her? Suggestions ladies.... Advice.... What do u do when u feel discouraged about it also? I feel like this friend of mine who I want to be a major part of my big day has chosen not to. Because she doesn't have the time. She says because she won't let anyone watch her 1 yr old (but she knows she can bring him to the dress apts, which r the only things going on). I guess I don't understand because I don't have children. I am staying calm and I just texted her when she dropped out via text and said I am sorry; I understand. I hope u can still attend the bridal shower and wedding when the time comes.

    You said you have not begun shopping for bridesmaid dresses, and yet say that dress appointments are the only things going on?  Have you already been placing some time demands on this friend?  She may fear that once wedding planning kicks into high gear, more pressure to do things will occur.  Without realizing it, in your response text you added pressure and reinforced the time issue by mentioning attendance at the bridal shower. 

    Have you spoken to all your BM's privately to ask about budgets?  Perhaps her issue is more with the costs of being in a wedding party.  Her timing seems to coincide with upcoming shopping for BM's dresses.
    [Deleted User]
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Woah, why did she feel that she can't commit that much time?  What are you asking them to do?  The only things your BMs are required to do is show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire.  It was way too early to ask people to be in the wedding party, but that ship has sailed.  It was also way too early to ask them to get their dresses.  Dress shopping does not need to be a group event either.  So I can guess why she was feeling stressed about time.

    You were right, asking someone else will be a slap in the face to her, and will make someone else feel like they were second string. Having kids is tough.  You can't comment on who she feels comfortable leaving her child with.  In addition, many salons have "no children allowed" policies. I've been to a dress fitting with a one year old.  Trust me, it was not enjoyable for anyone.  


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  • So Iam trying to stay calm and not get too upset but I'm feeling discouraged/sad. I've been engaged since October and asked my bridesmaids to b in my wedding early. Now it is about 7 months later and one of the girls just texted me to drop out. I have about 8 months left until my wedding. We are about to go bridesmaid dress shopping this next month. Anyways she dropped out because she feels she can't commit the time. I understand. But now I am like concerned on what to do. I have time to add someone else. But should I? I don't want anyone to feel second rate. Also what do I ask when the other girls ask about her? Suggestions ladies.... Advice.... What do u do when u feel discouraged about it also? I feel like this friend of mine who I want to be a major part of my big day has chosen not to. Because she doesn't have the time. She says because she won't let anyone watch her 1 yr old (but she knows she can bring him to the dress apts, which r the only things going on). I guess I don't understand because I don't have children. I am staying calm and I just texted her when she dropped out via text and said I am sorry; I understand. I hope u can still attend the bridal shower and wedding when the time comes.
    Yeah, no. If I have to go shopping for myself that requires me to try clothes on, I have to go by myself. I leave my son at home with Daddy. Toddlers get into EVERYTHING. You do not want one wrecking havoc in a dress shoppe. 

    What is this thing about Bridesmaids shopping together in groups? Are grown women not allowed to shop by themselves? I personally could not shop with a group. I'm a get in, pick what I want, get the fuck out kind of shopper. I've been a BM several times and have never had to shop in a group. I would have killed somebody.
    [Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It's making me laugh that you are "staying calm" about this like it's something to get freaked out over in the first place. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I can understand feeling bummed out. Not because of the wedding but just because of feeling like she's bailing at an important time in your life.

    However, sides don't have to be even and you definitely should not replace her. It would make her feel replaceable and whoever you ask feel like a b-listed understudy.

    Are you sure the only thing you're asking her to do is to go BM dress shopping? It seems odd that she'd drop out over that. Because really, she could just give you a budget/any deal breaker stylea and not even attend. Something sounds off....
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  • Honestly have fun with it! My wedding has been uneven since day one since my fiancé asked so many groomsman! They bridesmaids are actually have fun with it have3 people walking together! Sadly 10 days before my wedding my MOH bailed on me! I'm really sad and really heart broken but the Bestman is being a good sport and he is ok walking alone....Don't let it ruin your friendship =( atleast she has given you enough notice.

  • If you haven't already talked with her one on one, you should.  I agree with PP that there is probably something else going on that you should know about.  And if she is important enough to you to make her a BM, then you should make every effort to be a supportive friend.  Be the friend to her that she has tried to be to you.

    Is her participation a major financial strain? Is she a working mom with limited amount of time with her little one?  Does she have plenty of extra help with the little one?  Is she going through an undiagnosed case of  post-partem depression?  Is she expecting again and is worried that she may have a newborn baby or go into labor walking down the aisle?  Those are very specific questions, and may not have anything to do with her change of mind, but as a friend, you should consider at least some of those questions.

    But also consider what you have been asking.  Have you been asking for a lot of opinions or attention from the BM?  Have you set your expectations of them too high (vegas bach party etc.)?  Have you been venting too much about the wedding to her/them?  She's a newer mom and the extra stress could be a bit too much.  Are the other bridesmaids trying to plan everything without your knowledge and she feels pressured into more than she can handle or afford?

    If it is solely the financial burden, is there a way you can alleviate the expense for her? I was adamant with my BM from the beginning that I did not want my wedding to be a burden for them.  I spoke with each privately when I asked them, and told them they could take their time in making a decision. My older sister, who is a single mom of 3 was the only one who hesitated.  My FI and I are having a DW.  I purchased my BM dresses for all of my BM. I wanted to eliminate the traditionally most hated expense. For my sister, my mom and I are purchasing their plane tickets (some with extra miles we had saved up in anticipation of this) and they are staying with my mom and me the nights leading up to the wedding.  For me, it is more important to have her (and the kids) there with me than some of the other extras. I adjusted my budget.

    I would definitely ask her if she is planning on attending the wedding.  If she is worried that she will no longer be able to make it, consider making her an honorary bridesmaid.  But if she cannot make it, I think there is a reason that you should be made aware of.

    I was in a wedding where the MOH was the bride's best friend since birth (moms met in birthing class).  MOH is in the Navy, and was stationed on the opposite coast.  Two weeks before the wedding, her leave was revoked, and she could no longer make it.  The bride left her name in the program listed as In Absentia. The MOH's sister wore her dress and stood with us to represent their family's significance in the bride's life.  It's a bit of a different situation, but it was a beautiful gesture.

    Remember to treat your friend with love and compassion.  She is first and foremost your dear friend.
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