How to deal with post-wedding in-law drama

MrsR428

Hello, seeking anonymous advice here, I don't feel comfortable talking to people in real life about this and I honestly wonder if I'm just being crazy.  Sorry, this is long.  Please tell me honestly if I'm being crazy.  I'm serious.  It will help.  

Basically, there's a lot of bad feeling from my in-laws about our wedding 3 months ago.  We have different religions and cultures so when we decided as a couple that the wedding would reflected BOTH of our family heritages instead of just theirs, we knew there would be backlash.  Nobody ever goes outside their religion or culture and they look down on people who are different from them (aka, me and my family).  We tried to involve them in planning, but we had a hard time getting input when it wasn't 100% what they wanted.  We tried to be thoughtful and plan as carefully as we could, I'm sure we could have done many things better, but this is our first wedding and we really tried our best.

Honestly, even if we had done things "perfectly", I feel like they would have been unhappy.  They're just unhappy people and their home is abusive.  My father in law boycotted our rehearsal dinner b/c he didn't like the restaurant (he never showed interest in it or offered to host it.)  He yelled at us in front of everyone at the reception b/c he thought the dinner service was going too slow.  The aunts were telling people not to attend our wedding b/c it wasn't Catholic and it was all a sham (my dad is a 3rd. generation Lutheran pastor and we had a Lutheran wedding.)  Etc etc.

I know we're not perfect, and we could have done some things better.  And for the love, it's just a wedding.  It is not the end all be all of anybody's existence.  Whatever miscommunication or drama happened on the actual day, I could shrug off, look at the pretty pictures, and forget about it.   What's stumping me is how to deal with the negativity that keeps coming about the wedding, after the wedding.  My sister in law screamed at my husband for an hour as we were on our way to the airport to leave on our honeymoon.  The gist was, we deeply offended the family, I've changed him, their mama would be disappointed, etc.  He was almost in tears.  We lost several nights on our honeymoon talking through all of that.  His dad has said some pretty nasty things, mocking or making fun of us.  And now that my brother in law is planning his Catholic wedding, we keep hearing gems like, "Finally, a REAL wedding in the family."  Eyeroll.

I don't expect trumpet voluntaries and a shower of rose petals when we talk about the wedding.  We don't have to talk about the wedding at all!  It was 3 months ago.  There are plenty of other things to talk about.  I just don't want to be insulted and I just don't know how to deal with it when they make crappy comments about the wedding.  It's still a soft spot for me b/c they actually did cause some stress and hurt feelings on the actual day, and I'm afraid at some point I will open my mouth and my thought bubbles will turn into words I can't take back.

My husband would never let anyone directly attack or insult me, but somehow they get away with it under the radar when it's directed to us as a couple.  We're actually seeing a therapist to deal with his family in general, as the abusiveness has really come to a head and is affecting us even though we're in our 30s.  They're used to him being this dutiful son, he's a very easygoing guy who doesn't make waves, but now that he's married there are bound to be differences - like, we can't go to their home for every holiday b/c I have a family too, and we're our own family.  It's just all really overwhelming.

Am I being too sensitive?  It makes me feel crazy.

MrsR428

Holy crap that is so long.  I'm sorry, I will try to edit and be more concise.  But I have to say, I kinda feel like I just lost 30 pounds of tension.  So, to anybody who actually reads all of that - thank you.  No matter what you have to say!  

Also should add, we paid for the wedding ourselves.  We didn't ask for anything from anybody.  My parents offered to help out with some things which was great but never solicited.  My father in law offered us a bunch of money and then never followed through.  It sucks he didn't keep his word but that's the only reason finances were ever even discussed.  If they had paid for things, we knew we would need to do more of the things they wanted, and I didn't want to deal with that, honestly.

Thanks again.

Kristin4911

It wasn't THAT long

I'm sorry you are having to deal with post-wedding rudeness. I'm also sorry you are just going to have to put up with your in-laws for the rest of your life, because sadly, some people just never change. It sounds like this has been a problem for your H ever since he was little, so obviously this is just how his family operates, as unpleasant as it may be. I think you're taking the right steps by trying to talk to him about it and by seeking professional help to work through the issues (H may have some of his own personal demons inflicted by how he was raised, so that seems like a great thing to do together). You do NOT deserve to be continuously bashed/insulted by them, but, that being said-- they are who they are. They probably will not change. So it may just be one of those instances where you shut your mouth, turn a blind eye, and basically ignore them except for when it's necessary you interact (holidays and the like).

I feel as though that's horrible advice, but to save your feelings/dignity (you do NOT want to "blow up" at them, that will just make it worse) it may be the best option.

BostonGIrl4732

Yikes!  I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  You aren't being too sensitve and my feelings would be hurt too.

FI's cousin wasn't married in the Catholic church (FI and I coming from Catholic families) and his grandmother STILL comments about it two years later.  She's so set in her ways that for her it was a relationship ending move and it's caused a lot of tension.  It's spilling over into our wedding planning because we are getting married in a Catholic church (more for our families than for us) and it's sort of put us in a weird spot (finally, a real wedding in the family - when we both don't see it that way at all).  Bottom line, some people just aren't going to change and there are people who will live and die by their religion.

It sounds to me like it might be time to take a step back from your ILs.  Your H sounds like my FI, easy going and doesn't want to cause waves.  Its great when things are going well, but stinks when it's not.  I think you H needs to learn that sometimes you just need to take a huge step back and work on your own life together and focus on that.  Your ILs might not change and you can't do anything about it.

jjswin

I feel so bad for you since they are your in-laws and you really can't write them off. You are in no way being to sensitive. My only real suggestion is talk to you H about all your feeling and be honest with him about everything they say and do. It's not acceptable for them to say nasty things and put you down. If it was me I prob would of blown up and put them in there place by now.

kmmssg

So glad to see that you guys are seeing a counselor to deal with his family.  I think that is a brilliant investment.  He can't change his family, but he can change HOW he deals with them.

MrsR428

Thanks you guys.  

We live out of state but we do see them frequently.  We're actually flying back to see them in a few hours.  I don't expect we're all going to be BFFs and I really feel like I can get to a positive place in my head where I'm excited to see them, b/c I know in their way they all do really love and care about each other.  I'm still just a little close to the sensitive stuff.  Hopefully with time I'll just get over it.   Seeing a therapist is helping H work with me to set some boundaries, which is very new for all of them, and it's helping me just learn how to cope with abusive family dynamics which I've (thankfully) never had to do.  

What really sucks is that it totally colors all the fun wedding stuff in my head.  I had almost succeeded in putting it out of my mind and just writing it off to them being them, and then I started working on our photo album, and it brought it all back b/c my family looks like they're on cloud 9, and his family is actually scowling and sneering at the photographer.  I need to stop letting that stuff bother me.  Hopefully with a little more time I'll just shrug and say "meh" and that will be that.

We do have some really great memories too.  Sometimes I feel like it was all a waste and we should have eloped, but then I wouldn't have gotten to do the twist with my dad, or watch my brother try to carry my train (he was my dude of honor . )  It's just hard to get into that Zen place when 3 months later, someone tells you, "Well, at least your dress was pretty."  Errr, thanks?  WTF?

ladyomnipotent

Wow, they sound absolutely wretched and insufferable.  You should tell them to read their Bibles a little more closely, because their behavior is not in the least Christ-like.

SuburbsMrs

I will say there are people who always find a way to find fault with things... we are both Catholic and at first we got the- you're not having a FULL mass? <Gasp> No, we are having a Catholic ceremony since that is how we choose to celebrate our marriage. Plus the 10+ children under the age of 12 really did well with 30 minutes- I think an hour would have been much for them.

So take heart and just know you are doing the right things.

rachael7183

SImilar issues with me...but luckily, my husband just turned around and said "If you didnt help out, and you didnt care for the last 12 months of planning this weddding then too bad and shut up"...My husband is muslim/albanian, I am croatian/catholic.  Not only is it very RARE that an albanian man marries outside of the albanian heritage, marrying a catholic, even more of a shock...we did a non-religious ceremony, we played a mix of music, but mostly we did everything OUR way.  I know alot of people were mad...but too bad....move on. 

shayna25

you are definitely not being too sensitive-this crap would be hurtful to anyone, I know that I would be in tears over it!   

This just blows me away.  It is absolutely ridiculous that they would treat you and your husband this way, they have no right to dictate your lives or what kind of wedding you have (especially if they did not contribute).  Everyone has their own beliefs and opinions, and everyone should respect others' beliefs-especially when it comes to culture and religion.  

I think as time goes on, it will die down.  Hang in there!  Just keep in mind though, sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.  I'm not saying go over there and rip them a new one-but if they don't drop it, a few calm senseful words may be helpful.  After all, you were honoring them and their culture as well as your own.

meganb1977

I'm also dealing with post-wedding drama from his side (who handed out a lot of ugliness the week of the wedding and day of that led me to believe they do not support the marriage).  We are seeing a counselor and at least I am taking a break from them right now until we can be united in how they need to be dealt with.  Once you get through this visit hopefully you can take a step back and work with the counselor to make sure you and your husband are on the same wavelength and everything should ultimately be okay if you are.

Cortney1982

Unbelievable how the most religious people can be the most cruel.  I grew up with religious parents.  The members of the church were the most snobby hypocrits I ever knew.  Looked down at you if you weren't perfect by the church standards. I tend to distance myself from people like that and it keeps me happy.

cbvcru67

I don't know if this would be a positive thing, but if it was me, when they started covertly criticizing  ( a REAL wedding?), I would say something like,

"I agree - I am so ready to see a full Catholic wedding! "   And give a huge, ear to ear smile.  What are they going to say?  Ask you why you didn't have one?  "Oh well, I don't believe in the tenants of Catholocism so it wouldn't have been appropriate, but I have always heard they have beautiful weddings."

If they are as ridiculous as you say they are, it probably gives the ILs gratification to know how much they hurt you and to see how much control they still have over their son.  So don't give it to them.  Act like you don't care.  Because really, you shouldn't.  If the ILS can't love the two of you because you didn't have a wedding of their choosing, those aren't the type of people you need to worry about anyways. 

MrsR428

Thanks you guys.

We just got home from our visit and it was fine/whatever.    I just played with the kids, and changed the subject if it came up, and ignored everybody for the most part.

I don't think their intent is ever to hurt people on purpose.  They just kinda think the world revolves around them and what they want.  In the past, people have validated this for them by converting and doing other things to please them.  So, it's a bit of a wake-up call for them that we didn't do that.  Oh well.  They'll get over it.  In the meantime I plan to just be polite and ignore them at the same time.  Worked over the weekend.  

MrsR428

Also apparently the relatives from Poland are very excited about the "real" wedding coming up and are planning to travel in for it...except they haven't been invited by the actual couple, just my FIL and SIL, who apparently told the family they'd be sure the wedding would be in August so they could all come.  I just talked to the bride to be and they actually want a small wedding with no extended family in November.  Oopsies!  I'll take our crappy comments any day over that ish.  

I have a feeling you might be reading a similar vent written by that bride circa September 2013.  Heads up.  

Thanks again for everybody who posted.  I hate venting about family to strangers but sometimes it's nice to get a little perspective.  

rockergremlin

I'm sorry that happened to you, that really sucks. 

I was engaged to a man a while back, his father was a baptist minister and his mother was strict in the religion. My mother's side is catholic, my father's is methodist. This became a huge problem to the point where it was one reason he and I broke up. Thankfully, I fell in love with a man who is not very religious and his family is laid back, but I still worry about my catholic family members. We have decided to try and avoid religion in general at our wedding still.

Your in-laws should not have reacted the way that they did, it was out of line. You did your very best to incorperate everyone and to not make one side feel left out. I honestly think you did the best that you could. It hurts now, but hopefully they will accept the fact that both sides of the family are equally important to you.