When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?

megandjay

We sent thank you notes to the people who attended  our wedding and got gifts- 2 days after the wedding. We waited on the others that attended to see if they would send gifts after (so we could thank for both), and have had about 10 of those since the wedding. It has been 3 weeks since the wedding. I know that most people think they have 1 year to send a gift and I don't want to not send thank you for attending in a timely manner. Not that I expect a gift from everyone, I just don't want to presume they won't send one either.

How much longer should I wait to send 'thank you for attending' cards for people from whom we did not yet get a gift?

kpwedkk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:20e14e49-333d-4c19-97b0-68d353ed89e6">When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]We sent thank you notes to the people who attended  our wedding and got gifts- 2 days after the wedding. We waited on the others that attended to see if they would send gifts after (so we could thank for both), and have had about 10 of those since the wedding. It has been 3 weeks since the wedding. I know that most people think they have 1 year to send a gift and I don't want to not send thank you for attending in a timely manner. Not that I expect a gift from everyone, I just don't want to presume they won't send one either. <strong>How much longer should I wait to send 'thank you for attending' cards for people from whom we did not yet get a gift?</strong>
Posted by megandjay[/QUOTE]

You don't.  If you get a gift, then you send a thank you card.    Sending one in advance sends the wrong message :$

Theresa626

I disagree with the above person.  I've read that you should send thank you for attending cards from a wedding etiquette book.  I can't imagine why thanking someone would be rude.  I waited about a month before I sent out thank yous to those who attended and did not send a gift.  One person sent a gift after that thank you card so then I sent another thank you card for the gift.  

janedoe1113a

The reception is the thank you for attending.  You don't need to send a thank you card if they did not get you a gift.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:6a39d315-9730-490e-ae58-aca986e2acfa">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]The reception is the thank you for attending.  You don't need to send a thank you card if they did not get you a gift.
Posted by navybaby1113[/QUOTE]

This exactly.

prusgirl

I just hhhaaaaddddd to weigh in on this!

I planned an intimate wedding (<50).

We planned, we saved and we spent $200 pp at a NYC venue.  His choice not mine, I would have done something that was $75 pp to be honest.  

I lost my job.  But, I was fortunate enough to still pay for the wedding.  My guests knew I was unemployed.  I WAS SHOCKED BY THOSE OVER 40 WITH NO GIFT! Not even a card!

My feeling on giving them thank you notes..HELL NO.  You got me on the freaking meal! There's no darned way I am REWARDING you with this really beautiful thank you card that I spent time and MORE MONEY on!  

janedoe1113a

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:0ac43b09-a666-46d1-aad1-af6a20442e91">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just hhhaaaaddddd to weigh in on this! I planned an intimate wedding (<50). We planned, we saved and we spent $200 pp at a NYC venue.  His choice not mine, I would have done something that was $75 pp to be honest.   I lost my job.  But, I was fortunate enough to still pay for the wedding.  My guests knew I was unemployed.  I WAS SHOCKED BY THOSE OVER 40 WITH NO GIFT! Not even a card! My feeling on giving them thank you notes..HELL NO.  You got me on the freaking meal! There's no darned way I am REWARDING you with this really beautiful thank you card that I spent time and MORE MONEY on!  
Posted by prusgirl[/QUOTE]


You sound very selfish and childish with this post.  It was yours and your FI's choice to plan an expensive wedding, not your guests.  If you were unemployed, then you should have scaled back if you couldn't afford it.

Just because you were unemployed (or even getting married), you don't deserve gifts.  The reception is a thank you to the guests, so if you weren't willing to spend $200 on someone unless they got you a gift, then you shouldn't have spent so much.

I think you need to step back and realize what a wedding is about.  Just a little hint, it's not the gifts.

bellebride116

We only sent thank yous to those we gave a gift. 

prusgirl

Um, I think you should take a step back.  

While you may not agree with me, that's fine but, your commentary shows something.  We are not of the same social standards.  It is childish, senseless and really petty for the name calling. (Tsk, tsk, tsk)

My circle does not believe you should attend even a holiday gathering without being kind enough to bring something.  Your gift does not have to be of any specific denomination in my family.  I had a gift someone re-gifted to us and we were fine with that, why because, they thought we could use the item and most of all they THOUGHT of us.  However, members of my social circle insist you must 'cover your plate.' 

Next, I did not want to spend so much but, once you sign a contract - you are locked in.  

Finally, to the original poster; I know because my guests did not receive a thank you card - which we created a unique concept - it must have generated a lot of talk.  So, much discussion and interest that those who were rude on the outset actually sent gifts!

janedoe1113a

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:99d00ad7-bd3a-4a3d-86e6-2a7cbb450961">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Um, I think you should take a step back.   While you may not agree with me, that's fine but, your commentary shows something.  We are not of the same social standards.  It is childish, senseless and really petty for the name calling. (Tsk, tsk, tsk)</strong> My circle does not believe you should attend even a holiday gathering without being kind enough to bring something.  Your gift does not have to be of any specific denomination in my family.  I had a gift someone re-gifted to us and we were fine with that, why because, they thought we could use the item and most of all they THOUGHT of us.  However, members of my social circle insist you must 'cover your plate.'  Next, I did not want to spend so much but, once you sign a contract - you are locked in.   Finally, to the original poster; I know because my guests did not receive a thank you card - which we created a unique concept - it must have generated a lot of talk.  So, much discussion and interest that those who were rude on the outset actually sent gifts!
Posted by prusgirl[/QUOTE]

There was no name calling.  Just pointing out what it sounded like from your post.  I didn't call you childish or selfish, I said you sounded that way.  There's a difference.

And it doesn't sound like everyone in your social circle agrees with the giving a gift at all social gatherings if they didn't bring one to your wedding.

prusgirl

As a moderator, if you do not agree with me, fine.  Your particular remarks I did not find appropriate and I still don't.  

What is important to know that people come from different places.  Have different values, traditions and expectations.  Because they do not match your own simply does not give you the right to make that comment.

So however, childish and selfish it may sound -- we expected gifts (unless we directed otherwise).  It is both socially and culturally relevant. In NY/NYC area you will be laughed out of a social circle for failing to be a good guest. 

By not sending thank you notes to those who didn't bring a gift, helped them to realize their error.

An individual who made the concentrated decision to not bring a gift has been removed from our professional and social circle.  Long story but, he deserved it -- this was simply the cherry on a sundae.

kmar022

We chose not to have a guest book or any sort of thing like that-so unless someone gave us a gift, was in the WP or we just remembered and wanted to send a thank you-then others would not have gotten a Thank You.

With that said, I do not think it has to do with any "circle" that you belong to.  Clearly, it is usually very common when  you are hosting a dinner party or some sort of gathering, that people bring a small gift.  I get that, and I do the same.  However, I would never "remove" that person from my life for such a silly thing. 
For that matter, I would not "remove" someone from my "circle" if they could not bring a gift to our wedding! 

I agree with Navy on this one.  It is very poor taste for you to even expect gifts from everyone.  I would much rather have my friends and family share such a wonderful day in my life with us, rather than having a gift. But I suppose that those things just do not matter to me, or many people.  It's not why we chose to get married!

wishulthinking

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:99d00ad7-bd3a-4a3d-86e6-2a7cbb450961">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]Um, I think you should take a step back.   While you may not agree with me, that's fine but, your commentary shows something.  We are not of the same social standards.  It is childish, senseless and really petty for the name calling. (Tsk, tsk, tsk) <strong>My circle does not believe you should attend even a holiday gathering without being kind enough to bring something.</strong>  Your gift does not have to be of any specific denomination in my family.  I had a gift someone re-gifted to us and we were fine with that, why because, they thought we could use the item and most of all they THOUGHT of us.  <strong>However, members of my social circle insist you must 'cover your plate.'  </strong>Next, I did not want to spend so much but, once you sign a contract - you are locked in.   Finally, to the original poster; I know because my guests did not receive a thank you card - which we created a unique concept - it must have generated a lot of talk.  So, much discussion and interest that those who were rude on the outset actually sent gifts!
Posted by prusgirl[/QUOTE]

You should just start charging a cover for parties and stuff. Why bother be pleasantly surprised when you receive a gift... just make that act of goodwill a mandatory pocket robbery. <end sarcasm /> I know it sucks not to get a gift when it's customary to get one but a gift is just that, a gift. It isn't mandatory, it should never be expected. Personally, I'm glad I don't have to pay just to see my friends. As much as we hang out we'd be poorer than dirt.


OP, I think I think I'd have to agree with PPs and say that the reception is the thank you for attending and thank you notes are for those who brought gifts. I think if you'd like them to know you enjoyed their company you could shoot them an email or give them a call and let them know you were really happy they could make it to the wedding and it was great to see them, etc.

Theresa626

I don't know about the whole... notes are only for people who brought gifts.  I would never ever look down on somebody who didn't send a thank you note to someone who didn't bring a gift.  Nor would I expect one if I didn't bring a gift.  BUT, 95% of my guests came to my wedding from half way across/the other side of the country.  They spent hundreds of dollars on airfare and hotels just for the wedding.  I think it is a nice touch to send thank you notes even if they did not send a gift.  You're just recognizing that people spent a ridiculous amount of time and money traveling to your wedding and thanking them for that.  

mwhitson14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:e6c6efe3-351f-4644-9fe1-1a31377a55dc">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]As a moderator, if you do not agree with me, fine.  Your particular remarks I did not find appropriate and I still don't.   What is important to know that people come from different places.  Have different values, traditions and expectations.  Because they do not match your own simply does not give you the right to make that comment. So however, childish and selfish it may sound -- we expected gifts (unless we directed otherwise).   It is both socially and culturally relevant. In NY/NYC area you will be laughed out of a social circle for failing to be a good guest.  By not sending thank you notes to those who didn't bring a gift, helped them to realize their error. <strong>An individual who made the concentrated decision to not bring a gift has been removed from our professional and social circle.  Long story but, he deserved it -- this was simply the cherry on a sundae.
</strong>Posted by prusgirl[/QUOTE]

I'm gagging at your sense of entitlement. Out of 175 invited guests, I can guarantee you not everyone brought a gift. I didn't send TY's just for attending because of the large guest list, but I certainly didn't cut them out of my life just for not sending a gift!!

prusgirl

LOL.  Ladies, ladies, ladies.  For the third or fourth time, my social circle EXPECTS a gift.  If that is not comfortable for you -- understood.  We do -- period.  For my family we don't care if it is just a card.  We appreciate the thought.  

If that is not your background.  Understood.  I guess because professionally, I am trained to be understanding of everyone.  I thought this board would be the same. I see that is not the case.

I have friends who range financially but, if they are having a wedding they would be very displeased with no gift.  Some stick to the adage of "you must cover your plate" AND give a gift.  I cannot knock them for that expectation.  Families feel that weddings are an INVESTMENT.  And many of you know that.  Heck I've watched some families choose guests based upon their profession.  And for some that's why they have hundreds of guests.  

Let me share a story.  I have a friend who said she is now bowing out of family events because she simply cannot afford them.  She has a set of cousins who are killing her financially.  They are four sisters.  

She shared every event they have YOU MUST BRING A GIFT.  No one says that, it's not in the invitations -- but it is understood.  And if you don't their mother is going to talk about you like dirt.  She has been invited to something called a "sprinkle." Not sure if you ladies have ever heard of such a thing but, it is for women who have already had "showers."  Because this is not her first baby, this is what it is called.

She went on to tell me that this portion of her family celebrates a lot of occasions and they do so elaborately.  And she's doing the smart thing, she's only coming to things that she can participate in.  She values her position within her family.

Oh and the responder about cutting them out of my life.  I said, there was more to the story.  He is cut out because he used my wedding to build his client list.  I had some high profile guests, he moved his seat to sit next to them and once he got their information -- he left.  Then he had the audacity to ask me when he should reach out to them.  Those guests said he talked business the entire time and they did not think it was polite.  After issuing apologies to them, I decided he is really only after my contact list.

janedoe1113a

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that your friend can't attend family gatherings because she can't afford to bring a gift.  Why can't you just have someone there for the company?  Why are you required to bring a gift to every gathering?  It sounds like your "circle" puts way too much emphasis on money.

mwhitson14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:afb2ba18-1a51-4239-998b-e704f9d236d3">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's absolutely ridiculous that your friend can't attend family gatherings because she can't afford to bring a gift.  Why can't you just have someone there for the company?  Why are you required to bring a gift to every gathering?  It sounds like your "circle" puts way too much emphasis on money.
Posted by navybaby1113[/QUOTE]

Pretend I said this and read it again.

I would be sooo disappointed if someone didn't come to my wedding just because they couldn't afford a gift. Because you know what? A GIFT is not the important thing, their presence was. Who gives a crap if it's "expected"? That doesn't mean it's right or that the person should bow out if they can't afford a gift.

This makes me sad that this really happens.

kmar022

I am with the other ladies on this one-I just cannot believe that people treat others like this!  I for one am thankful I am not apart of that type of a circle.  Seriously, that is just beyond wrong.  But good luck with that one.
Maybe you need to go to the E board and just lurk there...you will get the hint that statements like these are not the majority. 

lrowe70

Guess I'm also in the minority as I wouldn't even consider attending a wedding if I had no gift.  In my social circle that is beyond rude. Almost as bad a crashing someone's party.

As far as the op, I've never heard of "thanks for coming" cards. Personally I'd think it owuld be weird to recieve one, but if that's the norm in your circle of friends, go for it.

janedoe1113a

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:440fe2ed-9107-4d7b-be80-f270a6a9c69e">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]Guess I'm also in the minority as I wouldn't even consider attending a wedding if I had no gift.  In my social circle that is beyond rude. Almost as bad a crashing someone's party. As far as the op, I've never heard of "thanks for coming" cards. Personally I'd think it owuld be weird to recieve one, but if that's the norm in your circle of friends, go for it.
Posted by lrowe70[/QUOTE]

So if your best friend was getting married, but you were unemployed and couldn't afford a gift, you wouldn't attend?

prusgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:440fe2ed-9107-4d7b-be80-f270a6a9c69e">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]Guess I'm also in the minority as I wouldn't even consider attending a wedding if I had no gift.  In my social circle that is beyond rude. Almost as bad a crashing someone's party. As far as the op, I've never heard of "thanks for coming" cards. Personally I'd think it owuld be weird to recieve one, but if that's the norm in your circle of friends, go for it.
Posted by lrowe70[/QUOTE]

We are not in the minority.  We are simply unafraid of admitting the truth.  There's just way too many questions about this issue on this board and wwwaaayy  too many books, articles, websites, etc. that address the item to have ever been something people are not concerned with.  I have yet to see a book saying "it's ok to not bring a gift..."

It is very nice other posters do not share our sentiment.  But, long before I posted my response people have long complained about the lack of a gift.

Please, do not get offended.  For me, my social circle is Westchester/NYC (living is expensive here), over 30, all my friends earn at least 100k, have a home, car, vacation, etc.  We come from people who have a certain ettiquette.  And if your best friend tells you, I cannot afford...then you say 'I still want you to come..." And that's how it goes around here.

Think for a minute...would you go to Chelsea Clinton's wedding with no gift?

megandjay

I don't think PPs are saying that it is okay to go to a wedding without sending a gift. I would never do that. However, it is also not okay to expect gifts. They are two separate things. One is out of your control.

RochelleAnn2302

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:eaaa26f5-021e-44c4-a40d-54c774f3e658">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet? : We are not in the minority.  We are simply unafraid of admitting the truth.  There's just way too many questions about this issue on this board and wwwaaayy  too many books, articles, websites, etc. that address the item to have ever been something people are not concerned with.  I have yet to see a book saying "it's ok to not bring a gift..." It is very nice other posters do not share our sentiment.  But, long before I posted my response people have long complained about the lack of a gift. Please, do not get offended.  For me, my social circle is Westchester/NYC (living is expensive here), over 30, all my friends earn at least 100k, have a home, car, vacation, etc.  We come from people who have a certain ettiquette.  And if your best friend tells you, I cannot afford...then you say 'I still want you to come..." And that's how it goes around here. Think for a minute...would you go to Chelsea Clinton's wedding with no gift?
Posted by prusgirl[/QUOTE]

hehehe.... she compared herself to Chelsea Clinton! Let me guess... this is Barbara Bush? Because Jenna is already married... so yes, it would have to be!

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet? : We are not in the minority.  We are simply unafraid of admitting the truth.  There's just way too many questions about this issue on this board and wwwaaayy  too many books, articles, websites, etc. that address the item to have ever been something people are not concerned with.  I have yet to see a book saying "it's ok to not bring a gift..." It is very nice other posters do not share our sentiment.  But, long before I posted my response people have long complained about the lack of a gift. Please, do not get offended.  For me, my social circle is Westchester/NYC (living is expensive here), over 30, all my friends earn at least 100k, have a home, car, vacation, etc.  <strong>We come from people who have a certain ettiquette.  And if your best friend tells you, I cannot afford...then you say 'I still want you to come..." And that's how it goes around here. </strong>Think for a minute...would you go to Chelsea Clinton's wedding with no gift?
Posted by prusgirl[/QUOTE]
So.... what this sounds like is they have to clear their financial shortcoming with someone who has no business knowing about it. They have to check in with you that they can't afford to bring a gift, and that has to be approved before they have permission to attend. If they're unable to bring a gift to an event and haven't secured the proper clearance from the host, then they get kicked out of the group.

tinydancer842

So what you are saying is you decided to have an extravagant wedding, lost your job, & now expect others to cover your tab? Guess what? everyone is doing poorly financially! Also, your not "locked in" to your reception - you would have to give up a deposit, but that's about it. I am pretty sure that is less money lost then actually going through with your expensive wedding. You don't just sound selfish you are selfish. I am from your "area" & you are giving us a bad rep. so just grow up no one owes you anything.

lisaD26

"hehehe.... she compared herself to Chelsea Clinton! Let me guess... this is Barbara Bush? Because Jenna is already married... so yes, it would have to be!"



BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! LOL!!!! I almost fell out of my chair! HAH.. Chelsea Clinton, really!??

packlite

I just wanna jump in and say....people who are really well-off financially don't have to brag about it, expect gifts, OR cut their friends out of their lives because they were not able to bring a gift to their wedding.  Frankly, people in this class don't even really want or need the gifts and are more than likely HAPPY to provide their loved ones with a great dinner, bar, and evening out to celebrate their wedding - the cost or reimbursement of the costs is not even on their minds because they can afford every penny they are spending.

And...you're unemployed right now?  I hope your friends don't kick you out of the 6-figure salary, home, vacation, car club.

Sorry to further hi-jack the OPs post   That is all!

sar919

Back to the original post...
I think that is a nice idea that you sent "thank you for coming to the wedding" cards to people, even if they did not give you a gift/card.  We received gifts/cards from all except probably 3 couples, and I think we are choosing to just not send them a thank you card at all. I don't really even know what to write if i was to send them a thank you card if they didnt give us a gift... "Dear___, we would just like to thank you for attending our wedding. It meant a lot to us to have you there to celebrate our special day with us".. What else did you write in your notes?

campergrlsugar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_send-thank-attending-notes-gift-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:d99e5b5b-f835-4c81-bfb6-0d0dcb25c29ePost:cfda0869-f475-4830-b0fd-01458bc87a77">Re: When to send 'thank you for attending notes' if no gift yet?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanna jump in and say....people who are really well-off financially don't have to brag about it, expect gifts, OR cut their friends out of their lives because they were not able to bring a gift to their wedding.  Frankly, people in this class don't even really want or need the gifts and are more than likely HAPPY to provide their loved ones with a great dinner, bar, and evening out to celebrate their wedding - the cost or reimbursement of the costs is not even on their minds because they can afford every penny they are spending. And...you're unemployed right now?  I hope your friends don't kick you out of the 6-figure salary, home, vacation, car club. Sorry to further hi-jack the OPs post :)  That is all!
Posted by packlite[/QUOTE]

THIS EXACTLY!!!

PeterandKelly

We got married a month ago and are still trying to figure out what to do about those who attended but gave no gift or card.  Some have said they are sending cards, so we'll wait for those.  The others we'll probably still send a thanks for coming card to though.  We're just not sure how to word it yet!