guest list.. extended family

knottie93f96a98e60cf4f2

Sorry this is so long. Another guest list question, I know, but gosh family issues suck, so i need to know if I'm being unfair.

FI and I have been engaged for 3.5 years. Shortly after we began planning our wedding the first time we found out I was preggo (oopsie! Lol) so we decided to wait so that our baby wouldnt have to endure my wedding-induced stress. We recently set a new date and I'm trying to get some things done before we let our families know. I don't think either of our families will be contributing financially.

FI is an only grandchild on both sides. Each of his parents have a brother but neither had children. His closest cousin is technically his moms first cousin, but she and her aunt are close as sisters, therefore FI and I are as close to his great aunt E as we are to his Mema (maternal grandmother). E and mema had 10 brothers, 8 of them are living.

My mother has 4 siblings. My father had 8 siblings, 4 of them living, and i have many cousins. I have 1 living Grandma.

We are having a Small wedding; we dont really want more than 60 guests. Our must haves list equals 31 adults and 12 kids. This includes parents, my 2 siblings, wedding party, besties, and FIs grandparents, uncles and aunt E, who we both adore.

I would also like to invite 2 of my moms siblings (im leaving 2 off because family drama and FI hates one of them) grandma if my uncle can bring her (she has alzheimers) and my dads siblings, and spouses.no cousins for space. This is +13 which makes our total 44 and 12 kids/babies.

This would make my guests and his uneven- is that unfair?

Our mutual friends are his band-mates and coworkers whose wives/gfs ive befriended, so it's even if we count it that way. . LOL.

Also, the first time we began planning FIs mom wanted to invite her church (20+) (FI says no way) and all her mothers siblings, because if we invite E then two of her big mouth SILs (who neither FI nor i like) will cause a stink. FI and I agree that inviting alll great aunts/uncles (extra 16) is ridiculous.

We will be having the wedding in our backyard and don't want people we don't know well at our house. MIL doesn't know we have a set date yet but I know this will come up. Do we put our foot down at our own list? Do we ask her to foot the bill for the extra 16 people? Or is it only fair that she can invite them because I have more aunts/uncles than FI?

ETA grammar and missing words for clarification.

Maggie0829

treehugginmama said:

Sorry this is so long. Another guest list question, I know, but gosh family issues suck, so i need to know if I'm being unfair. FI and I have been engaged for 3.5 years. Shortly after we began planning our wedding the first time we found out I was preggo (oopsie! Lol) so we decided to wait so that our baby wouldnt have to endure my wedding-induced stress. We recently set a new date and I'm trying to get some things done before we let our families know. I don't think either of our families will be contributing financially. FI is an only grandchild on both sides. Each of his parents have a brother but neither had children. His closest cousin is technically his moms first cousin, but she and her aunt are close as sisters, therefore FI and I are as close to his great aunt E as we are to his Mema (maternal grandmother). E and mema had 10 brothers, 8 of them are living. My mother has 4 siblings. My father had 8 siblings, 4 of them living, and i have many cousins. I have 1 living Grandma. We are having a Small wedding; we dont really want more than 60 guests. Our must haves list equals 31 adults and 12 kids. This includes parents, my 2 siblings, wedding party, besties, and aunt E, who we both adore. I would also like to invite 2 of my moms siblings (im leaving 2 off because family drama and FI hates one of them) grandma if my uncle can bring her (she has alzheimers) and my dads siblings, no cousins for space, and spouses. This is +13 which makes our total 44 and 12 kids/babies. This would make my guests and his uneven- is that unfair? Our mutual friends are his band-mates and coworkers whose wives/gfs ive befriended, so it's even if we count it that way. . LOL. Also, the first time we began planning FIs mom wanted to invite her church (20+) (FI says no way) and all her mothers siblings, because if we invite E then two of her big mouth SILs (who neither FI nor i like) will cause a stink. FI and I agree that inviting alll great aunts/uncles (extra 16) is ridiculous. We will be having the wedding in our backyard and don't want people we don't know well at our house. MIL doesn't know we have a set date yet but I know this will come up. Do we put our foot down at our own list? Do we ask her to foot the bill for the extra 16 people? Or is it only fair that she can invite them because I have more aunts/uncles than FI? ETA grammar and missing words for clarification.

Ok, just to be sure since this is a lot, all people are being invited with their SOs right?

So you set a new date but haven't told your parents?  Checking with the VIPs on dates is important if you really care that they are able to make it.

Since you and your FI are paying for this wedding yourself, you have every right to invite or not invite whoever you wish.

I wouldn't worry about if the guest list is even in regards to your side and his side.  Family sizes and relationships will always affect this and is really a case by case basis.  It should not matter if his side is larger or your side is smaller or what not.  All that matters is that you are both inviting those that you want to invite and not making one person give up space.

In regards to your MIL, I would be having your FI put his foot down on the guest list.  If you open it up where you let her pay for X number of people then that could easily get out of hand.

Jen4948

If only you and your FI are contributing, then ultimately only the two of you get a say in who gets invited.  There is no rule that each of you get exactly the same number of guests.  But you'd better let your VIP guests know right away that your date has been changed, because if you told them the previous date but haven't let them know about the new date, they may not be able to make it.  This is something you can't sit on.

As long as you invite couples together and are not splitting families, i.e., inviting some minor children but not their minor siblings, you can invite anyone you wish and not invite anyone you don't.

Your FI should make very clear to your FMIL that no, her church friends or anyone else you don't want to invite aren't invited, and no, she isn't paying for them.

knottie93f96a98e60cf4f2

Yes- everyone gets an SO... with three possible exceptions. My Dad hasn't had a girlfriend (that he would introduce to us at least) in the 13 years my parents have been divorced. My mom doesn't have an SO but that's likely to change weekly.. so ill have to wait til invite sending time and talk to her about it then. Third, my younger brother... last time he had a girlfriend she was underage.. he doesn't have one now.. but that is also to be seen. Everyone else has a serious SO anyway. My parents and brother are such wild cards-its a possibility my mom and bro won't even come..

Yeah, we need to let them know but i have my heart set in this particular date. Our date is next June so I feel i still have time to tell them and just want to feel confident in telling MIL and my mom "no" when they start naming random people they want to come..

lovemesomemonster

I wouldn't worry about the list being uneven. My family is huge, mom is one of six, dad is one of three, they all have multiple kids (my cousins) and they all have kids and we are all super close so they are all invited. His family is much smaller but that's how families go, they aren't all the same size. We are just inviting out loved ones from both sides and not worrying about numbers, we both love each other's families anyways and we will officially be part of them so to us it doesn't matter. Also not going to bother with the side thing, it wouldn't work with the large number I have, everyone can sit wherever they want for the short ceremony.

kvruns

1. sides don't have to be even, invite who you want to and don't invite the extended family members if you don't want to. 

2. don't use the argument of not wanting people you don't know very well to be at your house.  That might be your internal reason but I wouldn't tell anyone that's why you're not inviting so-and-so since likely there will be people  you don't know super well there (dates, your mom's maybe new SO, etc)

knottie93f96a98e60cf4f2

lovemesomemonster said:

I wouldn't worry about the list being uneven. My family is huge, mom is one of six, dad is one of three, they all have multiple kids (my cousins) and they all have kids and we are all super close so they are all invited. His family is much smaller but that's how families go, they aren't all the same size. We are just inviting out loved ones from both sides and not worrying about numbers, we both love each other's families anyways and we will officially be part of them so to us it doesn't matter. Also not going to bother with the side thing, it wouldn't work with the large number I have, everyone can sit wherever they want for the short ceremony.

Thank you. I don't think bride/groom side would work for us either since my family is so big. We just want it to be really personal and the "fair" thing is what FMIL brought up once in 2012 When we were planning the first time. Shes changed alot (everyone/everthing has- now we have a 2 year old) I'm just paranoid about bringing it up again. Lol

knottie93f96a98e60cf4f2

@kvruns thats a very good point- Thank you! Ahh. Okay so let me admit here, i just don't want D and N there- these would be FMILs uncle's wives. They are judgy, gossipy, and stink stirrers. Its already gonna cause problems that E is invited and they won't be, but in my opinion that's better than them gossiping about how *gasp* we are serving alcohol or *gasp* my dress will likely show off my large back tattoo. I cant exactly let that be openly known either.

What is the best way to deal with "why isnt X invited when Y is?"

AddieCake

treehugginmama said:

What is the best way to deal with "why isnt X invited when Y is?"

"Because we are not that close with Tammy. Have you seen Ted 2?  It's hilarious."