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FMIL Snarks

I just had to get this out, and if any other brides have any FMIL/MIL/Mother wedding woes, I'd love to hear it!

So, my FI has not had the best relationship with his mom growing up. Father had custody, and mom would guilt my FI about not spending enough time with her, making him spend the night during the week, etc etc. She's also very cheap and makes promises that she knows she cannot keep (example; when we graduated high school, she told him and his father that she would continue giving them money to help with college expenses. Guess who hasn't seen a dime since graduation day?)

Now, his mother can be a fairly nice woman... when it benefits her. We've gone over and spent the night when we started dating, and she would take us to dinner/lunch and make small talk now and then, after she called him and spent 20 minutes asking why he loved his dad more than her and why we never went to visit her.

Fast forward to the engagement and she is raving happy, and promises to help us with expenses. Four months before the wedding and she tells me "I'll give you a check for the DJ ($500) next Wednesday". Next Wednesday rolls around, we get a text from her; "I don't have the money right now, but I'll give you $50 a paycheck" (which would make $400 by the time the wedding rolls around... that was a month ago).

Not only has she promised to help with expenses and pulled out, she thinks she's "helping" by pinning stuff on Pinterest. She pins a bunch of stuff and tells me that she's so happy to be helping me with the wedding planning (I'm not even using Pinterest for my planning. I've found one or two ideas but other than that, I just go on to look at pretty stuff and get exercising ideas). 98% of what she has pinned, I'm not even interested in. Like, burlap table covers. I love burlap and think it would look cool, but with the theme and feel we're going for, I think another material would suit better. I told her this and she wasn't too happy that I wasn't going with her idea. She pinned a bunch of guest book/sign/items and expects me to pick one. I'm not, because we already have a guest book, and told her so. She expects me to wear heels with a heel-sleeve (it's a Steampunk wedding) and not only am I not good at wearing heels higher than 1.5 inches (most Steampunk heels we find are 3" or over), I want to wear my shoes all evening, so I'm going with decorated sneakers.

She was demanding when she viewed the venue with me and my grandmother, telling us which wine we should go with because she liked it (neither me or my grandmother liked the wines she picked), questioning why the venue didn't provide this or let us do that, and just generally trying to control a wedding that she has no control over or, quite frankly, a part in.

When it comes to the money, I wouldn't be snarky about it if she didn't promise it to my face and then backed out acting as if it was no big deal. As to her butting in and acting as if she's being a huge help, I'll just be happy when the wedding day comes because she will have nothing to do and no one to boss around!

Re: FMIL Snarks

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    I just had to get this out, and if any other brides have any FMIL/MIL/Mother wedding woes, I'd love to hear it!

    So, my FI has not had the best relationship with his mom growing up. Father had custody, and mom would guilt my FI about not spending enough time with her, making him spend the night during the week, etc etc. She's also very cheap and makes promises that she knows she cannot keep (example; when we graduated high school, she told him and his father that she would continue giving them money to help with college expenses. Guess who hasn't seen a dime since graduation day?)

    Now, his mother can be a fairly nice woman... when it benefits her. We've gone over and spent the night when we started dating, and she would take us to dinner/lunch and make small talk now and then, after she called him and spent 20 minutes asking why he loved his dad more than her and why we never went to visit her.

    Fast forward to the engagement and she is raving happy, and promises to help us with expenses. Four months before the wedding and she tells me "I'll give you a check for the DJ ($500) next Wednesday". Next Wednesday rolls around, we get a text from her; "I don't have the money right now, but I'll give you $50 a paycheck" (which would make $400 by the time the wedding rolls around... that was a month ago).

    Not only has she promised to help with expenses and pulled out, she thinks she's "helping" by pinning stuff on Pinterest. She pins a bunch of stuff and tells me that she's so happy to be helping me with the wedding planning (I'm not even using Pinterest for my planning. I've found one or two ideas but other than that, I just go on to look at pretty stuff and get exercising ideas). 98% of what she has pinned, I'm not even interested in. Like, burlap table covers. I love burlap and think it would look cool, but with the theme and feel we're going for, I think another material would suit better. I told her this and she wasn't too happy that I wasn't going with her idea. She pinned a bunch of guest book/sign/items and expects me to pick one. I'm not, because we already have a guest book, and told her so. She expects me to wear heels with a heel-sleeve (it's a Steampunk wedding) and not only am I not good at wearing heels higher than 1.5 inches (most Steampunk heels we find are 3" or over), I want to wear my shoes all evening, so I'm going with decorated sneakers.

    She was demanding when she viewed the venue with me and my grandmother, telling us which wine we should go with because she liked it (neither me or my grandmother liked the wines she picked), questioning why the venue didn't provide this or let us do that, and just generally trying to control a wedding that she has no control over or, quite frankly, a part in.

    When it comes to the money, I wouldn't be snarky about it if she didn't promise it to my face and then backed out acting as if it was no big deal. As to her butting in and acting as if she's being a huge help, I'll just be happy when the wedding day comes because she will have nothing to do and no one to boss around!


    Water off a duck's back, dearie.  She's not contributing, and likely not going to contribute, so you don't have to worry about her money coming with strings.  She can say whatever she wants, and as long as you master the art of the bean dip, you can sail right by.  'Thanks, but we've already got that covered' is a great phrase.

    I can totally get your frustration, though.  I'd be doing a lot of smiling through gritted teeth.

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
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    edited July 2015
    I just had to get this out, and if any other brides have any FMIL/MIL/Mother wedding woes, I'd love to hear it!

    So, my FI has not had the best relationship with his mom growing up. Father had custody, and mom would guilt my FI about not spending enough time with her, making him spend the night during the week, etc etc. She's also very cheap and makes promises that she knows she cannot keep (example; when we graduated high school, she told him and his father that she would continue giving them money to help with college expenses. Guess who hasn't seen a dime since graduation day?)

    Now, his mother can be a fairly nice woman... when it benefits her. We've gone over and spent the night when we started dating, and she would take us to dinner/lunch and make small talk now and then, after she called him and spent 20 minutes asking why he loved his dad more than her and why we never went to visit her.

    Fast forward to the engagement and she is raving happy, and promises to help us with expenses. Four months before the wedding and she tells me "I'll give you a check for the DJ ($500) next Wednesday". Next Wednesday rolls around, we get a text from her; "I don't have the money right now, but I'll give you $50 a paycheck" (which would make $400 by the time the wedding rolls around... that was a month ago).

    Not only has she promised to help with expenses and pulled out, she thinks she's "helping" by pinning stuff on Pinterest. She pins a bunch of stuff and tells me that she's so happy to be helping me with the wedding planning (I'm not even using Pinterest for my planning. I've found one or two ideas but other than that, I just go on to look at pretty stuff and get exercising ideas). 98% of what she has pinned, I'm not even interested in. Like, burlap table covers. I love burlap and think it would look cool, but with the theme and feel we're going for, I think another material would suit better. I told her this and she wasn't too happy that I wasn't going with her idea. She pinned a bunch of guest book/sign/items and expects me to pick one. I'm not, because we already have a guest book, and told her so. She expects me to wear heels with a heel-sleeve (it's a Steampunk wedding) and not only am I not good at wearing heels higher than 1.5 inches (most Steampunk heels we find are 3" or over), I want to wear my shoes all evening, so I'm going with decorated sneakers.

    She was demanding when she viewed the venue with me and my grandmother, telling us which wine we should go with because she liked it (neither me or my grandmother liked the wines she picked), questioning why the venue didn't provide this or let us do that, and just generally trying to control a wedding that she has no control over or, quite frankly, a part in.

    When it comes to the money, I wouldn't be snarky about it if she didn't promise it to my face and then backed out acting as if it was no big deal. As to her butting in and acting as if she's being a huge help, I'll just be happy when the wedding day comes because she will have nothing to do and no one to boss around!




    To all of the bolded: it is not her responsibility to help with wedding expenses; even if she offered, she is within her right to change her mind if she realizes that it is not financially possible. This is why we tell many brides not to count on any promises of money until the check has cleared in their bank account. Plan the wedding you can afford without her help. If she offers you money later on, then you can use it to offset some of the expenses that you have budgeted for. 

    Not being able to give her grown son money does not make her "cheap". She is under no obligation to give money. Calling someone cheap for this reason is unbecoming. 

    As for the other stuff, stop involving her in wedding stuff if she tries to take control. Find other ways to involve her in your life and when she brings up the wedding, let her know that you and Fi are on top of it and change the subject. 

    If she enjoys pinning ideas and it makes her feel like she is helping, let her pin. When she shows you something, just say "thanks, I will keep it in mind" and move on to another topic of conversation. 

    This woman is gonna be in your life for a long time. I would recommend not letting the small stuff get to you. 

    Edit for clarity
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    1. Don't plan for any of her money until you have it IN HAND.

    2. You probably don't want her money anyway since it will likely come with strings.

    3. Smile, say "ok, thanks for the suggestion!" and move on. Or just stop talking to her about wedding details.

    I think most of us have had to deal with others' input/suggestions/dumbass ideas about our weddings. Try to let it slide.


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers



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    I agree with PPs. As the lucky daughter-in-law of a complete asshole, I'd like to reiterate that you should not count on her money and even nicely refuse it if she comes up with any money for you. And by "you", I mean your fiance. He should be dealing with his mother. Thank her for her ideas and move on. Try not to talk to her about the wedding. If your FI wants a relationship with her though, you gotta be nice. 

    When my MIL lost her shit during our wedding planning, I deferred her to my now husband every time she tried to talk to me. As much as I wanted to chew her ass, it wasn't worth it and she was (slightly) better at accepting "no" from her son than the "controlling bitch he's marrying". 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    No matter what someone promises you, it's never a good idea to make plans that involve them keeping that promise.

    Also, I'd let your FI do all the communicating between you and her from now on, and don't take her shopping or to meet with vendors.  Do anything wedding-related without her.  Should she complain that you're not "involving" her, let your FI be the one to tell her that that's the consequences of her actions or inactions.  Don't respond to them yourself.

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    Your comments all make sense, and subconsiously, I already knew all of that; I really just needed to snark. I don't know what it is about this woman but every little thing gets under my skin, especially when she demands to be included. Maybe I'm just young, or haven't mastered the bean dip yet so I have no idea how to curve ball around her asking and demanding.

    As to the money situation, I'll go ahead and just politely decline any offers of financial help from her from now on instead of ignoring her like I have been. I know that she is not obligated to help financially and never meant to imply that I felt that way. You're all right though, her money would definitely come with strings so as said, I'll just decline from now on. I also call her "cheap" based on other events that I didn't include in the post, and again I was snarking so I guess that should have just been left out? 

    There are 112 days (thank you, TK countdown) before the wedding, so I'll just grit my teeth and keep her out of planning (and turn off my Pinterest notifications once I figure out how to).

    Has anyone else had similar frustrations? Or should I say, less ridiculous frustrations?
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    So someone that has a a history of promising things and not delivering did just that? Stop the presses!
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    But she really means it this time!
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