Wedding Recap and Withdrawal

I just need to get it out... beware looooong vent

Over all it was one of the best days of my life and everything (well most everything) is water under the bridge, but I just need to get it all out of me....

So our wedding was on private property and almost entirely DYI.  I had planned out everything to a T so that set up would go as quickly as possible. I set up a schedule and asked my bridal party and some friends who had volunteered to help to please stick to it.  My volunteers did, all my bridal party did was gripe and moan the whole freaking time.

So....to the beginning, my in-laws show up a few days before.  I was in the middle of trying to do final edits on my master's thesis so I could have it submitted before the wedding.  They show up and I apologize and tell them that I really had to get that done, but I already had dinner started.  There were a few snarky comments from them about this and that, I tried to ignore and put on a smile.  The next day they were there I tried calling to see what their plans were and no one would answer their phones and they never called me.  Finally around midday I had errands to run so I took off.  I get a call from my mom about an hour later saying that they had showed up and were wondering where I was.  They proceeded to treat my mom like her ranch was a zoo and expected her to entertain them while she had other things to do. They even had the audacity to tell her how she should be running her ranch. Ugh! Let's say I was not a happy camper when my husband finally showed up only to find out that while I was entertaining his family he had been at home (2 hours away) out partying, not something I would have really been bothered by if I hadn't had to deal with his family being rude.  Anyway I bit my tongue around them and vented to my mom to keep from saying something I would regret.

The next day my best friend and husband show up which made things chill for a little bit. The day after we had rehearsal in the morning which went ok, and then we went to go do our respective bridal party things; I took the girls to get nails done and he took guys to go shooting.  His BIL didn't bother going to the shooting and his best friend decided to take his girlfriend along.  That irritated me, especially when I found out they gave her my gun to shoot. Ok, deep breath, it's not that big of a deal.... We headed over to get our nails done and my friends and sister who had never met each other before were having a great time while my MIL and SIL refused to talk to anyone.  I was hoping that would be a time for everyone to get to know each other and bond, but oh well.  We were going to lunch after and I chose my favorite Chinese place which is upscale and I have never taken somewhere there yet who hasn't loved it.  SIL refused to go though because her kids don't like Chinese....um, ok, fine....The rest of us hung out and had a good time, I tried including her, but she refused to be part of anything.  After that we all headed back up to the ranch to get as much done as we could.  Everyone was about an hour late, so we had a bit of a late start.  Everyone was being really good about helping out, but then the guys started drinking and suddenly nothing was getting done.  We barely got through dinner and there was still a lot to get done and it was down to me and four or five of the 15 some people that were there helping to start with, so we spent til about 11 getting everything finished up.

Get up the next morning and only the people who had stayed at the ranch were there while everybody else was at least an hour late.  SIL didn't even bother to show up.  I was freaking out because there was so much to do and no one showed up when they were supposed to, so I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to tell people what needed to be done.  Then when I would ask if someone could do something nicely I was getting ignored so after about the third or fourth time of asking nicely I was so frustrated that I was snapping at people, not the typical sweet and bubbly me. Finally about an half an hour after I was supposed to leave to start getting ready we were done enough that I could leave my three volunteers to finish up.  My sister was doing my hair, but must have been nervous cause after an hour of half pulling my hair out and getting nowhere I made her stop and did it myself. Of course by then she had so much goop in my hair I wasn't even sure that I could do what I practiced as my fail safe back up, it was 30 minutes til we were supposed to take the bridesmaids and bride pics before the ceremony, I didn't have makeup on, and my SIL was still nowhere to be seen.  Finally she shows up almost an hour after we were supposed to do pics and I could finally start putting on my dress....so I didn't get any pictures in my dress before my makeup melted outside and later after I had confetti in my hair and everyone tried to get it out, fuzzed up my hair worse than it was to start with, my dress was ripped and on and on..... Then one of my guests shows up with her husband and nine, yes nine kids in a van that is breaking down and decides she's going to come in to the house where I'm getting ready.  I might have freaked out just a little bit on that.  The last thing I needed while having a panic attack because one of my bridesmaids might have just bailed on me that I didn't need 9 kids under 15 coming in to hang out while I was still in my robe that would not stay shut trying to put on fake lashes.

Finally we got through getting ready and started the ceremony which went great, except no one made the announcement to have the confetti ready to throw at us as we walked down the aisle, so there was a little awkward moment while everyone opened up their bags, but whatever....went through the receiving line and it was time for pics, but everyone decided it was time to drink and not time to take pictures.  At this point I'd had enough of bridal party B.S. so after asking nicely once, I just yelled at them.  My photographer offered me a job at every wedding.  We finally get done with our pictures and head to the reception only to find that everyone of our bridal party is wasted....oh yay.  Get through toasts, and dinner and cake and dance and people start heading out.  I expect this because it started at 1 pm.  That was fine, but I wish I would have had a chance to really say hi to those people other than the receiving line.  Put on the dance music. People are dancing, 7 pm people are dropping like flies so we do the garter toss and bouquet toss and we are down to only the close friends and family.  Drunk bridesmaids see people leaving and decide that they need to change to the bump and grind music (I was using my iPod as a DJ).  As a note, if you go this route lock your iPod and duct tape the cords in.  I came back from taking some last minute photos to Eminem singing "shake that ass" and my best guy friend's wife in shock because her 4 and 6 yo were still there. I took the iPod away, yelled at the soberest of them to please keep it in line and went to put a lock code on my iPod.  Not a half hour later and I hear the music change again because one of my husband's very very drunk friends decides that the music on his iPod is better.  Keep in mind the only people who had a problem with the music were about four of the drunk bridal party and one of his friends.  Everyone else was sitting down talking to family and friends and could really care less what the music was. Eventually we had enough of dealing with them and let them sort it out on their own and left for our room.  The next day only a couple of the bridal party showed up to help and the ones that did came about an hour before I got there, threw away decorations along with regular trash (guess I'm not selling that). 

After the wedding I got to hear story after story of how this person said this and that about me and each other and how my husband's best friend/best man wouldn't have even come if we hadn't paid for most of his tux and how his wedding present to us was him being there.  Gee thanks, I could have easily replaced you with a friend who in reality is a better friend.  We found out who our friends really are. 

The last thing that pissed me off was how many people who RSVP'd with notes like "I'm so excited to come and see you on you special day" and then didn't show up....really?  The day after I heard about 15 dead relatives, upset tummies and then saw the same people out on a boat in facebook pictures saying how much fun Saturday was.  If you aren't really going to come, don't RSVP yes please....I spent at least $150 per guest to have the wedding and could have saved a lot of money in food and cake, chair and table rentals had I known that so many people really had no intention of coming, or invited other people who I felt bad leaving off the list that would have liked to come. Grrrrr....

The day after was great though, our real friends came up, hung out, ate left overs, helped clean up and were lots of fun. And the honeymoon was fabulous.

Overall I had a great day because I married my best friend, but I was incredibly disappointed by our other "best friends" and some of my family.

Re: I just need to get it out... beware looooong vent

  • Sorry to hear you had issues, but you brought some of them on yourself. You should not have expected your bridal party to help set up unless they volunteered to - which is sounds like it was not the case if they were griping and moaning the whole time, which I would have done as well if I had been expected to help set up, rather than volunteering. The only "job" your bridal party has is to show up on the day of and support you.

    People get drunk at weddings - it happens. Nothing you can do about it, except have a dry wedding.

    My recommendation for future brides who are doing most of their wedding DIY is to hire a DOC who can help keep things on schedule, help with set up, help keep pictures moving along, and make sure any problems (Ipod being switched, etc) are taken care of. It's totally worth the extra money in order to not have issues like rlguerri had. Also, hire people to set up if you don't have enough people volunteer - don't expect your bridal party or family to do it unless they volunteer.
  • You made the big mistake of forcing your bridal party as free labor. I side eye any bride that "volunteers" her family and friends to work on the wedding. This is why DOCs exist. Their prices are reasonable, they're getting paid so there are no hurt feelings, and your family and friends actually get to enjoy the wedding. 

    You really dropped the ball on this. After dealing with you, I'm not surprised the wedding party got their drink on and let loose, Also there's no need to go and make everyone get together and become BFFs. Has your SIL always been this way? If so, did you magically expect her to change her personality jus for your PPD? No one is going to care as much about your wedding as you are. 

    You insulted and belittled your wedding party. If you learn anything from this, it's to hire a damn DOC for your children's weddings in the future. Congratulations on your marriage and hopefully you've learned something from this experience.
    Anniversary
  • I was going to write some big long response about friends do for each other things and don't expect anything in return.  But then I looked at where you are from and realize that your value system is entirely different than ours. They knew long before they were even asked to be in the wedding that there would be some helping out involved, of which I talked to all of them about and they said they were more than happy to help when I brought it up. But if you want to put it into numbers I did pay for dresses, tuxes, a wealth of gifts, the "fun time", food, gave them all a place to stay (some opted for hotels, of which I offered to pay for my SIL room since she was the only person that I couldn't accommodate).  All in all monetarily I paid at least $250 for each bridal party member and asked for about 5 hours of actual work; some people ended up doing more because others ducked out.  I don't like to think of it that way, but that's a pretty dang good paying job.  I made sure to let them know every minute I had a chance exactly how much I appreciated everything that they were doing to help. Add in the babysitting of drunk bridal party (of which I did receive many thanks for the next day when they were sober and realizing who they were trying to sleep with) and I think they were well compensated for their time. But again, it's not about that, it's about helping a friend.  I would and have done the same for them. 
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_i-just-need-to-get-it-out-beware-looooong-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:daaceead-6d78-4ed3-b049-12de98a81c0ePost:7b0002c7-3cc8-43ec-9df7-ef2e1bdae569">Re: I just need to get it out... beware looooong vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was going to write some big long response about friends do for each other things and don't expect anything in return.  <strong>But then I looked at where you are from and realize that your value system is entirely different than ours. They</strong> knew long before they were even asked to be in the wedding that there would be some helping out involved, of which I talked to all of them about and they said they were more than happy to help when I brought it up. But if you want to put it into numbers I did pay for dresses, tuxes, a wealth of gifts, the "fun time", food, gave them all a place to stay (some opted for hotels, of which I offered to pay for my SIL room since she was the only person that I couldn't accommodate).  All in all monetarily I paid at least $250 for each bridal party member and asked for about 5 hours of actual work; some people ended up doing more because others ducked out.  I don't like to think of it that way, but that's a pretty dang good paying job.  I made sure to let them know every minute I had a chance exactly how much I appreciated everything that they were doing to help. Add in the babysitting of drunk bridal party (of which I did receive many thanks for the next day when they were sober and realizing who they were trying to sleep with) and I think they were well compensated for their time. But again, it's not about that, it's about helping a friend.  I would and have done the same for them. 
    Posted by rlguerri[/QUOTE]

    This is entirely irrelevant. As someone who has spent a good portion of my life living outside of Sheridan, dont blame Wyo for treating people poorly.

    These people are your nearest and dearest, not free labor. They were supposed to be invited to your wedding to witness one of the happiest days of your life and spend time with you. Not to haul chairs around the ranch and set up centerpieces. If you wanted those things taken care of, you should have hired a day of coordinator and saved yourself the hassle. All the stress of your wedding was pretty much self inflicted, other than your ILs rude comments.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_i-just-need-to-get-it-out-beware-looooong-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:daaceead-6d78-4ed3-b049-12de98a81c0ePost:7b0002c7-3cc8-43ec-9df7-ef2e1bdae569">Re: I just need to get it out... beware looooong vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was going to write some big long response about friends do for each other things and don't expect anything in return. <strong> But then I looked at where you are from and realize that your value system is entirely different than ours. They knew long before they were even asked to be in the wedding that there would be some helping out involved, of which I talked to all of them about and they said they were more than happy to help when I brought it up.</strong> But if you want to put it into numbers I did pay for dresses, tuxes, a wealth of gifts, the "fun time", food, gave them all a place to stay (some opted for hotels, of which I offered to pay for my SIL room since she was the only person that I couldn't accommodate).  All in all monetarily I paid at least $250 for each bridal party member and asked for about 5 hours of actual work; some people ended up doing more because others ducked out.  I don't like to think of it that way, but that's a pretty dang good paying job.  I made sure to let them know every minute I had a chance exactly how much I appreciated everything that they were doing to help. Add in the babysitting of drunk bridal party (of which I did receive many thanks for the next day when they were sober and realizing who they were trying to sleep with) and I think they were well compensated for their time. But again, it's not about that, it's about helping a friend.  I would and have done the same for them. 
    Posted by rlguerri[/QUOTE]

    Doesn't matter where you are from, what you did was wrong. If your WP volunteers their services to help you, you can accept or decline it. They are under no obligations to help you with your wedding, regardless of any money you say you paid on their behalf. Paying for their participation in your WP does NOT make them your employees.
     
    And, so what if they happily agreed to help you in the beginning?!  People get excited in the initial planning stages of planning/asking to be in the WP.  Saying yes "in the moment" doesn't make a contractual agreement for their labor.

  • "But then I looked at where you are from and realize that your value system is entirely different than ours. "  Wow.  How's the view from up there Mrs. Highandmighty?  No wonder you had issues, between your hyper-inflated sense of self and how incredibly uptight you seem, I'd need to get hammered to deal with you too. 
    image
  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_i-just-need-to-get-it-out-beware-looooong-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:daaceead-6d78-4ed3-b049-12de98a81c0ePost:7b0002c7-3cc8-43ec-9df7-ef2e1bdae569">Re: I just need to get it out... beware looooong vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]II paid at least $250 for each bridal party member...that's a pretty dang good paying job.  Posted by rlguerri[/QUOTE]

    This is where you screwed up. Being a BM isn't a job. It's an honor and requires very little work. That's like your boss saying, "You are such a great employee, I'm making you do all the extra work over the next week. And paying you with a uniform that I get to choose. Thanks!"

    FWIW, I was raised on a farm in the mid-west and even I know that. So don't you dare say this has something to do with where anyone is from.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    On another note, if I am getting "paid" to do all of these things for you, i would prefer could hard cash as opposed to a dress I will probably never wear again.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Wow, sounds like drinking was a huge problem your entire wedding weekend, sorry for your luck and just put it behind you.
  • Here is some advice to make life easier:  Forgive and forget.  Focus on the positive.  When you do that, good energy flows your way!
  • 1)Sorry but most of this is your own fault. WP members are not slaves. You should have hired someone. 

    2) Where ever there is alcohol people can get drunk. You took this risk by providing it to your guests.

    3) All weddings have no shows. Get over it.

    4) Where someone lives has nothing to do with their value system.
     
      Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Wow, OP, it's super crazy that you expected your BM's to do all that work for you. And it's even crazier that you expected yourself to do all that work on YOUR wedding day. No wonder YOU were stressed, as well as everyone else. That doesn't exactly set up for a good day to remember. 

    What's done is done, but like PP's have said, you really did bring this on yourself. I made sure to include a DOC in my budget b/c I wanted to: (1) enjoy my day, (2) have my BM's by my side giving emotional support b/c THAT's what friends do for each other, and (3) I wanted my family to be able to relax too.


  • This story reminds me of my brother's experience at his best friend's wedding.  He was the best man.  When he arrived the day of the wedding, his friend said to him and the other groomsmen, "oh, by the way, you guys have to decorate."  My brother hated every second of it.  He also hated being posed for a million different pictures after the ceremony, wearing a ridiculous and uncomfortable medieval getup.

    I'm sure your friends were quite unhappy with their treatment at your wedding.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I was recently in a wedding like this. Only the bride never told us we had to set up the entire reception. We got to the venue, she disappeared to finish getting ready and we were left in a bare room, already in our dresses with hair and makeup done. You know what happened? We all got drinks as soon as humanly possible. And kept getting them to comply with requests for more and more pictures, a coordinated WP entrance and WP dance. H and I left before the cake was cut since it was like 5 hours into the reception. So I don't blame your WP one bit, they were probably miserable.
  • A little advice for the brides to be.  No finger pointing or demanding.  Not once did I ask for help or assign a task.  I managed to have 8 helpers and all they asked of me was my basic layout plan and to set up one table so they could see how I wanted them done and they sent me on my merry way to get ready.  Everybody was happy.
  • Wow. I am really surprised at some of these responses. I am currently a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding and also planning my own. For the wedding I am in, the bride informed me that we'd be setting up alot of things before getting ready the day of. Myself and each of the other 'maids was happy to agree to this. She is our friend and I am happy to do whatever I can to help her make her special day happen and I know she will do the same for me (and this is not just because we are brides at the same time). I would agree that it's crazy to spring this on your friends at the last minute, but that does not sound like what you did at all. I have helped out as a volunteer with other friends' weddings numerous times and have known lots of people to do this. I have helped wth day of set up, room switch during cocktail hour, dress alterations, dress emergencies, and more.

    My friends also like to drink, but most people I know care enough about their friends - especially if they are in the bridal party - to at least wait until the reception is in full swing before letting lose.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot!
  • Oh love,
    I'm sorry! I've been in plenty of weddings, and it's always been kind of expected that we help out. My whole church does, actually. Everyone just sort of volunteers some time if they have it to help set up- because most of us are dirt broke and fairly DIY. I'm sorry you got treated poorly, but I'm more sorry for the harsh reactions of people here. It's perfectly alright to vent.

    I'm glad you had a wonderful honeymoon and I hope your new life with your hubby is absolutely amazing!
  • Oh, and all of that being said:
    I know its super cathartic to vent on here to people you don't know. But you need to talk to your WP, if you havent already. Let them know what you were expecting, and add that you may not have been clear enough when you asked them to be your bridesmaids. Tell them that because you were expecting something different, (and whether that was a realistic expectation or not, you had it, and there are feelings that coincide with those expectations) you were hurt by what FELT LIKE disregard for your feelings. Don't ever say "you should have done this or this and you showed disrespect in this and this." Let them know that you realize they didn't mean to hurt your feelings and they may not have realized they were doing so.
    Then, once you've said your peace, ask if there was anything you did that they may be holding a grudge about. I've seen friendships torn apart through weddings when issues were left unresolved. It's best to talk about things with them and let them know you love them and are equally willing to apologize if they feel that you didn't value their time or support.

    Love love.
  • edited August 2012
    Thank you for the last three posts, you give me hope for humanity.  The more I look back at it, the more I realize that most of my friends and family that were involved in the wedding were not the ones complaining.  I failed to mention that we have both been married before and his wedding was big while my wedding was my ex, a judge and me at the courthouse in jeans.  While my friends understood that I wanted to share my day with friends and family, put on an ivory dress and have pretty pictures, his friends and family had already been through one big wedding with him and didn't see why he was doing it again.  I know that one of my BM corrected him and yelled at the best man for complaining about being in the wedding.  His family still confuses me.  We have always gotten along well.  Both his mom and sister would call and complain about things that happened in the first wedding which I wanted to make sure didn't happen again. They both told me how excited they were for this and how willing they were to help.  My disappointment in my BM was the drinking. I know they all like to drink, but it would have been nice if they had waited until after pictures to start drinking.  They all turn into different people when they are drunk.  When they are drunk they don't think to clearly and they each got their own image of how the reception should have been . That's when the griping started, they expected it to be a huge party by the time dinner was done there were only about 1/3 of the people left; I expected it to clear out, many people drove several hours to get there and had to go home and more than few hours gets to be a little long to stay at a wedding for a lot of people.  Only one of my friends griped about how much work it was, but after talking to her it wasn't directed towards me, but rather that she had been in three weddings in the last year and her own personal issues that she hadn't found the one yet.

    Most of the griping was done by his friends and family. I really could care less about his friends, and I say that because I have seen how much the things they have said and done have hurt him.  I have made my peace with my friends.  Funny how memories of bad things start to fade and we only remember the good things.  I don't care to make peace with his friends and he doesn't either.  Since he moved away from them they have been bitter and whiny and he has gotten closer to my guy friends as a result.  I'm still not sure how to handle his sister and her husband.  My husband thinks that she was so excited about this wedding that it didn't live up to her expectations.  He said his BIL deal is that I was in charge of delegating tasks during set up and that he doesn't like taking direction from women, i.e. he's a sexist and the idea of a woman having authority automatically makes them  a uh....nasty word.  I've asked if there was anything that I did to make them mad, but they assure me that there isn't.  They have been short with both of us so I'm still worried that there is something they aren't telling us.

    Venting here helped to get it off my chest and release some frustration and anger instead of venting to friends who might turn it into a soap opera. Thanks for listening (reading) and for those who had productive input, not the ones who wanted to name call.



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