Imposing a dress code?

ashmo1

Hi everyone! 

I'm fairly new to this site, but have lurked a bit on a couple of the boards. I'm looking for confirmation of how to best navigate this situation.

I am having a bit of a dilemma when it comes to a dress-code for our guests. We are getting married in a small (30 people) sunset ceremony in Mexico on a rooftop venue. My fiance and I are the first people in our respective families to have a a destination wedding, and this seems to have caused some "dress code" stress for a few of our guests. Our most commonly asked question by far is asking what to wear. I'm happy to answer the question when asked (which for me is mainly covered by reiterating the size of the small wedding, the location of the wedding, and that while we're in Mexico it will not be barefoot on the beach), but my fiance and my parents want to avoid any confusion and are pushing to have a dress-code formalized on the invitations when they go out (at this point we have only sent out Save-the-Date's to our guests, since the AI resort we're going to is small and books up quickly). Their arguments for including a dress code are:

1. They will avoid more questions from our guests

2. It will make packing easier for guests since they'll know exactly what to bring

3. They say it's actually the polite thing to do etiquette-wise, so that our guests don't show up under dressed and get embarrassed 

4. My dad seems to think if I don't tell people what to bring, they'll think Mexico Wedding = Beachwear, and I will end up with photos that have guests in bikinis and swimming trunks, fresh from the pool

I'm outnumbered on the home front, but I feel so differently from them! The idea of trying to enforce a specific dress-code on our guests when we're not having an overly formal event rubs me the wrong way. It's an adult only wedding at a fairly upscale resort; these people have all been on vacation before, gone to a formal event before, and have been dressing themselves appropriately for 18+ years (and I'm pretty confident that including a dress-code will not be the thing preventing someone from showing up in their bikini if they were so inclined! )

My questions are:

1. What is the proper etiquette here - am I totally out to lunch?

2. Is it something I can put on our wedding website under FAQ or should I stay firm on the word-of-mouth method of passing on information?

3. If this is something that's better suited for a wedding website, do I specify a dress-code of semi-formal/resort-formal, or am I better to just clarify that the event is not as formal as they may be used to? 

Any input is greatly appreciated! 

fyrchk

Are you thinking just summer dresses? If so, I would think that's pretty easy to spread by word of mouth. And you have such a small guest list, it's unlikely someone wouldn't get the memo.

CMGragain

Are you really having a destination wedding, or are you really getting married at the courthouse at home?  Mexican marriage requirements aren't easy.

Dress codes are taboo.  Why would the dress be any different at your destination?

fyrchk

I'm just imagining a bunch of older guests getting all twitterpated because it's a destination wedding at a resort! "Does she want us to show up in bathing suits and sarongs?"

At least, that's how my family thinks when they hear "beach wedding."

mollybarker11

ashmo1 said:

1. What is the proper etiquette here - am I totally out to lunch?

2. Is it something I can put on our wedding website under FAQ or should I stay firm on the word-of-mouth method of passing on information?

3. If this is something that's better suited for a wedding website, do I specify a dress-code of semi-formal/resort-formal, or am I better to just clarify that the event is not as formal as they may be used to?

1. It is against etiquette to list a dress code unless it is a truly formal (black tie / white tie) event or there are restrictions in place at your venue.

2. You should not put anything on your website about what to wear or what to pack as that can come across as patronizing. What you can put is a link to the venue to give people an idea of how fancy it is.

3. No. And terms like "resort-formal" would cause much more confusion to the average person than "a rooftop wedding at X Resort at sunset".

People will choose their outfits based on how formal the invitation & venue look, and the fact that it's an evening event. Also, your wedding may be near a beach, but it's not on a beach. Use word-of-mouth to squash that "beach wedding" idea that seems to be floating around and you're all set. This is not something you need to worry about!

Liatris2010

The invitations convey the formality to the guests. Choose invitations that reflect the formality of the event.

ShesSoCold

You could put details about the wedding location on your wedding website, but I would avoid flat-out stating a dress code. Include the wedding website with your invitations and the guests with questions will check out the site.

Fosmoh

Personally i feel like your family is stressing a little much, you have a relatively small guest list so word of mouth or even just answering questions as they come shouldn't be too difficult. if you were having a huge guest list then i can see it being problematic. 

for 30 people i wouldn't mind people calling and asking what to wear, usually it'll be a lot of family members right? so word of mouth should spread quickly.  and i don't see how wearing a bikini is ever really wedding appropriate lol, if anyone does show up in a bikini it'll end up being a fun story for the grandkids 

PrettyGirlLost

"Whatever you want to wear is just fine."

AddieCake

Just tell them to wear what they would normally wear to a wedding.

jacques27

ashmo1 said:

Hi everyone! 

I'm fairly new to this site, but have lurked a bit on a couple of the boards. I'm looking for confirmation of how to best navigate this situation.

I am having a bit of a dilemma when it comes to a dress-code for our guests. We are getting married in a small (30 people) sunset ceremony in Mexico on a rooftop venue. My fiance and I are the first people in our respective families to have a a destination wedding, and this seems to have caused some "dress code" stress for a few of our guests. Our most commonly asked question by far is asking what to wear. I'm happy to answer the question when asked (which for me is mainly covered by reiterating the size of the small wedding, the location of the wedding, and that while we're in Mexico it will not be barefoot on the beach), but my fiance and my parents want to avoid any confusion and are pushing to have a dress-code formalized on the invitations when they go out (at this point we have only sent out Save-the-Date's to our guests, since the AI resort we're going to is small and books up quickly). Their arguments for including a dress code are:

1. They will avoid more questions from our guests

2. It will make packing easier for guests since they'll know exactly what to bring

3. They say it's actually the polite thing to do etiquette-wise, so that our guests don't show up under dressed and get embarrassed 

4. My dad seems to think if I don't tell people what to bring, they'll think Mexico Wedding = Beachwear, and I will end up with photos that have guests in bikinis and swimming trunks, fresh from the pool

I'm outnumbered on the home front, but I feel so differently from them! The idea of trying to enforce a specific dress-code on our guests when we're not having an overly formal event rubs me the wrong way. It's an adult only wedding at a fairly upscale resort; these people have all been on vacation before, gone to a formal event before, and have been dressing themselves appropriately for 18+ years (and I'm pretty confident that including a dress-code will not be the thing preventing someone from showing up in their bikini if they were so inclined! )

My questions are:

1. What is the proper etiquette here - am I totally out to lunch?

2. Is it something I can put on our wedding website under FAQ or should I stay firm on the word-of-mouth method of passing on information?

3. If this is something that's better suited for a wedding website, do I specify a dress-code of semi-formal/resort-formal, or am I better to just clarify that the event is not as formal as they may be used to? 

Any input is greatly appreciated! 

Re: Highlighted - Oh hell no.  Seriously, do they assume you associate with morons?  Because you are spot on - any adult with a job, who only has to have seen a wedding on TV or in a movie (not even attend one themselves), and has ever been on vacation anywhere knows to not show up to a wedding (any wedding, anywhere) fresh out of the pool in their bathing suit.  Really?  Come on.  Do they think people who live in Mexico get married in their bathing suits, too, because MEXICO!?!  If it were a resort in Colorado do they think people would show up in ski suits?

If anything, people tend to err on overdressing out of fear of being under-dressed - they don't just wear cut-offs and bikini tops to weddings because nobody had the courtesy to tell them that cut-offs and bikini tops weren't wedding appropriate.  Heck, you could tell me you're getting married at a waterpark and I'm still wearing a sundress because I know how to dress myself for events.  And these are people who KNOW where they are going because they have to pay people money to get there - they're going to realize that a wedding at the upscale resort they actually hopped on a plane to get to and will be staying is just like any other wedding at any other upscale resort not in Mexico. 

Some people are going to ask questions.  It's just a fact of life.  Some people get anxious about what to wear, or maybe are debating between cocktail dress or sundress (I guarantee you no one is debating between bikini and cocktail dress).  Dictating dress code isn't the answer - just politely say one of the things PPs suggested.  You can put info about the venue on your website if you want (not a dress code, just info about the venue) - between knowing what the venue is like and the formality of your invites they will get it.

ashmo1

Thank you - I am glad my gut is on track with this. I wasn't concerned until everyone else seemed to be worried, so thanks for confirming what I was thinking. I'm going to show all of these comments to them next time it's brought up!

fyrchk

Honestly, it is starting to feel that way lol! It really seems to have thrown them all out of sorts! 

CMGragain

Nope, it's a true destination wedding. The requirements are a bit odd, but not too difficult (coming from Canada, anyway!) - I don't see the point in "getting married" without actually doing the "married" bit!

WinstonsGirl

We got married in Hawaii, and only 1 person asked about dress code.  She asked if we cared if her DH wore shorts or if pants were required.  I didn't care.  He wore shorts and a Hawaiian style shirt.  I didn't even notice till I saw the photos.  

Honestly, when I go to Mexico, I always bring 1-3 nicer outfits for the evening meals and shows.  Perhaps your parents are having some of the same concerns about DW's that mine had.  My Mom especially didn't understand how it would all work if we weren't there to plan, so she had some concerns at the start that never became an issue.  Spread by word of mouth if you feel the need.  

SP29

Agree with the above.

Don't dictate dress code. No one is going to show up in a bikini.

What would be appropriate, is on your wedding website to list information about the wedding/venue. For example, you are getting married outside on a roof top. That, along with your invitation, and time of the wedding, implies a lot without you telling anyone what to wear. For example, oh,  not on the beach, sand not an issue. Oh, no beach? Ok, I'll leave my bikini in the room! Outside? Probably still pretty hot.

If guests do ask (which some people will), if you are having a WP you can let them know what they are wearing: "The bridesmaids are wearing sundresses/cocktail dresses and the groomsmen are wearing short & Hawaiian shirts/ trousers and shirt with vests". If you don't have a WP you could let them know what your parents are planning to wear.

I agree that people should know that just because they are going to Mexico doesn't mean you wear a bathing suit everywhere!! Adults will know that going to dinner means you wear clothes . When DH and I went to Arizona for our HM it was still quite hot. We brought shorts and t-shirts varying from "hiking wear" to "walking around being tourist wear", bathing suits for the pool only, and nice clothes for when we went out to brunch and dinner (which included a couple of dresses for me, and DH has a linen suit).

mrscomposer

I've been to a destination wedding in Jamaica, and (unless someone asked that I didn't know about), no mention of dress code was made, and no one showed up in bathing suits.

Word of mouth is your friend.  Tell your gossiping family member that it's on a rooftop and not on the beach.  And if anyone asks, tell them what your attendants will be wearing.

lyndausvi

You have 30 people.   Clearly you can answer the question if they might ask, no?

When I had my beach wedding we did have an FAQ card.  We said was  the wedding was going to be on the actual beach.  A shoe valet would be available.  Jackets and ties are not necessary.     

 When personally asked (and we were asked a lot - had 150 guests) we simply said, DH was wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt and linen pants, I'm wearing a gown.    We figured based on what the groom and bride were wearing would give them an idea what is appropriate.  

MandyMost

When people ask, tell them. It's perfectly fine to say "While, I'll be wearing a gown, and future-husband will be in gray pants and a shirt an tie. We're expecting most people will wear summer dresses, or khakis and button down shirts. Whatever you wear I'm sure will be fine". 

anniecm5

I'm always confused why it's okay to have a black tie dress code but not okay to have a more casual dress code? I always find Black Tie dress codes more rude because they usually involve your guests having to rent/buy clothes especially for your event. bleh.

jacques27

anniecm5 said:

I'm always confused why it's okay to have a black tie dress code but not okay to have a more casual dress code? I always find Black Tie dress codes more rude because they usually involve your guests having to rent/buy clothes especially for your event. bleh.

It's rude to set any kind of dress code, except when you are throwing an event that is black tie - it's more than a dress code, it's a certain level of formality of event.  You'll often see people put "black tie" because they don't understand that and just want everyone to be dressy, even though they aren't actually throwing an event that rises to the level of requiring black tie - and they are rude when they do that.  The only other exception would be if the venue has a dress code (a country club requiring tie and jacket). 

The fact of the matter is, most people throwing true black tie events probably come from a circle of people who are usually used to those kinds of events and aren't horribly put out by it.  True black tie events are rarer than you would think based on the number of people who try to put it on their invitations.

Outside of black or white tie (where you should only be putting it if you are throwing an event that actually meets the very stringent standards of formality), it's rude to dictate any kind of code - people can figure out how to dress themselves and how they dress should not be dictated to fit a "vision".

southernbelle0915

anniecm5 said:

I'm always confused why it's okay to have a black tie dress code but not okay to have a more casual dress code? I always find Black Tie dress codes more rude because they usually involve your guests having to rent/buy clothes especially for your event. bleh.

Because "Black tie" in the lower corner of the invite refers to the formality of the event itself. It's telling guests to expect a certain type of event and hosting. Yes, there is a dress code that goes along with that, but the words are to indicate the type if EVENT.

There's no such thing as a "business casual" "summer casual" event type...that is strictly a style of dress. So to try and compare to black tie is apples and oranges.