Narrowing down the list? Plus MOH problem!

Knottie2017523

ok so my FH has a wedding party of 4 and we want to keep the sides even. The problem is, I have a large group of friends-some from college (I moved 8 hours away from home) and some that I have been best friends with since elementary school but we faded slightly this past year-but still really good friends. I am trying to narrow it down to my college friend or one of my high school friends? 

Now onto the MOH issue.. The pick is between 2 sisters. One-lets call her Sandy, and I have been slightly closer than her sister (lets call her Patty) for the 10+ years that we have all been best friends. However, due to the person Sandy is now dating (started dating right before my engagement)-we do not hardly exist in her life. If I pick Patty, Sandy will be very upset and I fear that it could cause some awkwardness. However, Patty and I spend nearly every day together just because we want too and have gotten very close over the past few months. Patty also is better at planning and a little more reliable than Sandy. 

How do you narrow this down?! 

AddieCake

Nobody but you and your fiancé need to be planning anything. Your MOH is not responsible for planning anything and you should not choose based on that criteria. have them both. Have no MOH. Bridesmaids all do the same thing anyway. Why do you need even sides?

Jen4948

Knottie2017523 said:

ok so my FH has a wedding party of 4 and we want to keep the sides even. The problem is, I have a large group of friends-some from college (I moved 8 hours away from home) and some that I have been best friends with since elementary school but we faded slightly this past year-but still really good friends. I am trying to narrow it down to my college friend or one of my high school friends? 

Now onto the MOH issue.. The pick is between 2 sisters. One-lets call her Sandy, and I have been slightly closer than her sister (lets call her Patty) for the 10+ years that we have all been best friends. However, due to the person Sandy is now dating (started dating right before my engagement)-we do not hardly exist in her life. If I pick Patty, Sandy will be very upset and I fear that it could cause some awkwardness. However, Patty and I spend nearly every day together just because we want too and have gotten very close over the past few months. Patty also is better at planning and a little more reliable than Sandy. 

How do you narrow this down?! 

Well first of all, even sides are not required.

You can ask both, but I'd pick Patty simply because you're close to her and not to Sandy. Don't make the possibility that Sandy or anyone will be very upset by not being chosen a factor in your decision. You should not have to walk on eggshells with your bridesmaids, and choosing someone because of potential awkwardness only gives them permission to treat you like crap because you can't politely ask them to stand down without risking the relationship unless their behavior is extremely egregious, i.e. violent or hits on your FI.

Knottie2017523

We just prefer even sides-my cousin got married with 3 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen and we did not like the look of it, we are both perfectionists in ways and that just bugs us both. Since we will be 8 hours from where our wedding will take place, and none of his groomsmen are around home (military) we would like at least one person in the wedding party to that is near home to help us out if needed-the reason for MOH in our case. 

ShesSoCold

Knottie2017523 said:

We just prefer even sides-my cousin got married with 3 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen and we did not like the look of it, we are both perfectionists in ways and that just bugs us both. Since we will be 8 hours from where our wedding will take place, and none of his groomsmen are around home (military) we would like at least one person in the wedding party to that is near home to help us out if needed-the reason for MOH in our case. 

Ahhhh yes. Pretty pictures are WAY more important than friendships and honoring loved ones.

Knottie2017523

that was not what I meant. 

Jen4948

It's not your wedding party members' job to "help out." That's for paid vendors.

And being "perfectionists" isn't a good reason for prioritizing choosing even sides "for the look of it" instead of choosing the people you're really close to.

TrixieJess

Knottie2017523 said:

We just prefer even sides-my cousin got married with 3 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen and we did not like the look of it, we are both perfectionists in ways and that just bugs us both. Since we will be 8 hours from where our wedding will take place, and none of his groomsmen are around home (military) we would like at least one person in the wedding party to that is near home to help us out if needed-the reason for MOH in our case. 

Yeah, this'll work out well...

1. If you're only going for how things "look" and not how close you are to your WP don't have an MOH.

2. Your WP requirements are thus: show up, on time, relatively sober, in good spirits, in appropriate attire on the correct day and party.

3. You and your FI are responsible for planning and prepping for your wedding, if you do not have time to do this yourselves, HIRE someone. Your WP is not free labour.

Stick around, lurk, remember that this is an etiquette forum and that people here are blunt and to-the-point.

Maggie0829

Knottie2017523 said:

that was not what I meant. 

That is exactly what you meant.  At least own the fact that the look of even sides is more important then including everyone that you wish to.

Direct quote from you OP...

"We just prefer even sides-my cousin got married with 3 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen and we did not like the look of it, we are both perfectionists in ways and that just bugs us both."  

So yes, even sides > including those that you want to. 

And again, no one is required to help you out.  Period.  So to pick someone that lives close to where you are having the wedding with the idea that you can have them help is preposterous.  If you need help you hire a wedding planner.

AddieCake

Help you out with what?

climbingsingle

Well, at least you're upfront about your reasoning for having even sides. I still think it's ridiculous to choose your bridal party based on that. 

You and your FI plan your wedding. That's not what your bridal party is for. I did a ton of DIY shit. You know who helped me? My husband. 

AddieCake

And not that I advocate for this, obviously, but why do you have to cut someone to meet his number? Why can't he add someone to meet yours if even sides matter so much? He gets to have all of his nearest and dearest, but you don't? Sure, that seems fair.

I knew I should have cut one of my friends. Look how AWFUL my pictures are with uneven sides! I'm sorry I subject you guys to my sig every day with the God-forsaken uneven sides. 

Maggie0829

AddieCake said:

I knew I should have cut one of my friends. Look how AWFUL my pictures are with uneven sides! I'm sorry I subject you guys to my sig every day with the God-forsaken uneven sides. 

Why do you think I don't have a pic of my wedding party in my sig?  Because my 5-to-2 wedding party will burn everyone's eyes right out of their heads!

ShesSoCold

Maggie0829 said:

AddieCake said:

I knew I should have cut one of my friends. Look how AWFUL my pictures are with uneven sides! I'm sorry I subject you guys to my sig every day with the God-forsaken uneven sides. 

Why do you think I don't have a pic of my wedding party in my sig?  Because my 5-to-2 wedding party will burn everyone's eyes right out of their heads!

Can I come you your guys' re-dos? I promise I'll give a gift. 

pinkcow13

1. You don't need even sides. Don't you want those that are closest to you as part of your bridal party? Who cares about the "look?" Is it about pictures? Your photographer can help you attain more symmetry if it's that important.

2. MOH does not need to help you with planning. This is your wedding, you and your FI do your own planning. 

3. You can have more than one MOH. It's not that serious. If you want them both as your MOH, then have them both.

kmmssg

@addiecake @maggie0829 - I have been trying to find the right words to tell you both how much your wedding pictures suck with uneven sides.  I guess since that is now out in the open I don't have to worry about that.  If you guys have redos with an open bar I will bring a really nice gift though.

@knottie2017523 - you know that the very FIRST thing I think of when I go to a wedding and see uneven sides?  I think what an awesome couple to choose the people they love over some arbitrary number so they can have even sides.  I think they want those who are most important to them standing up for them.  I think how in 20 years they will look back and cherish the fact that they chose the right people instead of the right number of guys vs girls.

Choosing even numbers for the sake of even numbers means you are more interested in them being props than being there with you.  And, no,  your MOH isn't your person to help you plan.  That is what the two of you do - you don't expect others to take that for you.

 

AddieCake

Open bar will only be for some of you, @kmmssg . The others will get drink tokens and they can have one hit off our keg. You can't be a bridesmaid, either, just FYI. I would like to include you by having you hand out programs, though. That will give you access to the open bar.

lembaslover

What happens if you have even sides but day of something happens and one wedding party member can't make it? Do you appoint someone else quick or kick someone out so your sides will be even?

How about you just ask everyone you want to ask and don't worry about your "perfectionism". Also you're probably the only person who was sitting and thinking your cousin's uneven sides looked bad. Everyone else is looking at the couple getting married and thinking about how beautiful the ceremony is.

kmmssg

AddieCake said:

Open bar will only be for some of you, @kmmssg . The others will get drink tokens and they can have one hit off our keg. You can't be a bridesmaid, either, just FYI. I would like to include you by having you hand out programs, though. That will give you access to the open bar.

@Addiecake - do I get cake?  If I get cake I'll pass out your favors too!  No cake though and we will have to talk about this Sister.

Maggie0829

AddieCake said:

Open bar will only be for some of you, @kmmssg . The others will get drink tokens and they can have one hit off our keg. You can't be a bridesmaid, either, just FYI. I would like to include you by having you hand out programs, though. That will give you access to the open bar.

Well Addie is being nice because I am not about ready to pay for people to get drunk at my redo wedding!  Well I mean I will pay for my wedding party and parent to get drunk, but no one else. If everyone gets drunk then all the focus will be off of me and my newly even wedding party.  I mean, yeah 3 of the 5 BMs are going to be mannequins, but hey I need good pictures dammit!

But I will have cake

AddieCake

@ShesSoCold Of course you can come! I planned to ask you to be a bridesmaid. This time around, I'm going for an all-Knottie wedding. You probably won't be MOH, though. You don't live as close to me as @Maggie0829 does. Tough luck on that one.

ShesSoCold

Maggie0829 said:

AddieCake said:

Open bar will only be for some of you, @kmmssg . The others will get drink tokens and they can have one hit off our keg. You can't be a bridesmaid, either, just FYI. I would like to include you by having you hand out programs, though. That will give you access to the open bar.

Well Addie is being nice because I am not about ready to pay for people to get drunk at my redo wedding!  Well I mean I will pay for my wedding party and parent to get drunk, but no one else. If everyone gets drunk then all the focus will be off of me and my newly even wedding party.  I mean, yeah 3 of the 5 BMs are going to be mannequins, but hey I need good pictures dammit!

But I will have cake

Can I be a rando stand-in bridesmaid? I promise your boobs are bigger than mine.

AddieCake

I'm peeing my pants picturing the mannequins.

ShesSoCold

AddieCake said:

@ShesSoCold Of course you can come! I planned to ask you to be a bridesmaid. This time around, I'm going for an all-Knottie wedding. You probably won't be MOH, though. You don't live as close to me as @Maggie0829 does. Tough luck on that one.

STUCK ---

As long as I get cheap jewelry that I'll never wear again as a gift, I'm totally in.

AddieCake

ShesSoCold said:

AddieCake said:

@ShesSoCold Of course you can come! I planned to ask you to be a bridesmaid. This time around, I'm going for an all-Knottie wedding. You probably won't be MOH, though. You don't live as close to me as @Maggie0829 does. Tough luck on that one.

STUCK ---

As long as I get cheap jewelry that I'll never wear again as a gift, I'm totally in.

Uh. We're MAKING the jewelry at a super fun bridesmaid bonding night. Duh. How do you not know this? I knew you weren't MOH material.

Maggie0829

ShesSoCold said:

Maggie0829 said:

AddieCake said:

Open bar will only be for some of you, @kmmssg . The others will get drink tokens and they can have one hit off our keg. You can't be a bridesmaid, either, just FYI. I would like to include you by having you hand out programs, though. That will give you access to the open bar.

Well Addie is being nice because I am not about ready to pay for people to get drunk at my redo wedding!  Well I mean I will pay for my wedding party and parent to get drunk, but no one else. If everyone gets drunk then all the focus will be off of me and my newly even wedding party.  I mean, yeah 3 of the 5 BMs are going to be mannequins, but hey I need good pictures dammit!

But I will have cake

Can I be a rando stand-in bridesmaid? I promise your boobs are bigger than mine.

You can so be a stand-in BM.  But you are going to have to wear this...

Maggie0829

AddieCake said:

ShesSoCold said:

AddieCake said:

@ShesSoCold Of course you can come! I planned to ask you to be a bridesmaid. This time around, I'm going for an all-Knottie wedding. You probably won't be MOH, though. You don't live as close to me as @Maggie0829 does. Tough luck on that one.

STUCK ---

As long as I get cheap jewelry that I'll never wear again as a gift, I'm totally in.

Uh. We're MAKING the jewelry at a super fun bridesmaid bonding night. Duh. How do you not know this? I knew you weren't MOH material.

Don't worry Addie, I will help you make the jewelry.  In fact I will make it all myself while you get a foot rub by Johann who I will pay for.  I mean as a MOH I must be there to do whatever it is you need.  I will quit my job if necessary.

ShesSoCold

@AddieCake & @Maggie0829

Done and done. I am now your personal bitch. 

kmmssg

Maggie0829 said:

AddieCake said:

Open bar will only be for some of you, @kmmssg . The others will get drink tokens and they can have one hit off our keg. You can't be a bridesmaid, either, just FYI. I would like to include you by having you hand out programs, though. That will give you access to the open bar.

Well Addie is being nice because I am not about ready to pay for people to get drunk at my redo wedding!  Well I mean I will pay for my wedding party and parent to get drunk, but no one else. If everyone gets drunk then all the focus will be off of me and my newly even wedding party.  I mean, yeah 3 of the 5 BMs are going to be mannequins, but hey I need good pictures dammit!

But I will have cake

As long as there is cake I'm there.  but what about dinner?  Do I get dinner or do I just get to come for the "dance" part?

Maggie0829

kmmssg said:

Maggie0829 said:

AddieCake said:

Open bar will only be for some of you, @kmmssg . The others will get drink tokens and they can have one hit off our keg. You can't be a bridesmaid, either, just FYI. I would like to include you by having you hand out programs, though. That will give you access to the open bar.

Well Addie is being nice because I am not about ready to pay for people to get drunk at my redo wedding!  Well I mean I will pay for my wedding party and parent to get drunk, but no one else. If everyone gets drunk then all the focus will be off of me and my newly even wedding party.  I mean, yeah 3 of the 5 BMs are going to be mannequins, but hey I need good pictures dammit!

But I will have cake

As long as there is cake I'm there.  but what about dinner?  Do I get dinner or do I just get to come for the "dance" part?

Since I like you, you can come for dinner.  But don't tell anyone because we are keeping the fact that we are serving some people dinner on the down low.

kmmssg

It will be our secret.