Two Engagements One Family

Knottie32957159

My fiance and I got engaged about a month after his brother and his fiance were engaged. I was worried that our engagement and wedding planning might interfere with theirs, however, was talked out of that worry by both my fiance, his brother, and their mother.

Now the brother and his fiance have lost their venue and want to look at the venue I've envisioned for our wedding. My future mother-in-law informed them that that was the venue I had been dreaming of since she had accompanied me on my site tour and saw how smitten I was. The brother is now upset and feels as though our planning is interfering with theirs.

Both of us are looking at marrying within a few months of each other. Should I delay my planning a year to accommodate them?

[Deleted User]

Why would yall's planning interfere with theirs? 

You get one day. They get one day. 

No one gets to call "dibs" on a venue. You both can get married at the same venue. No one is going to care. 

As long as you both make sure you haven't picked the same date, there is no reason for you to plan around them, nor is there a reason for them to plan around you. 

julieanne912

Knottie32957159 said:

My fiance and I got engaged about a month after his brother and his fiance were engaged. I was worried that our engagement and wedding planning might interfere with theirs, however, was talked out of that worry by both my fiance, his brother, and their mother.

Now the brother and his fiance have lost their venue and want to look at the venue I've envisioned for our wedding. My future mother-in-law informed them that that was the venue I had been dreaming of since she had accompanied me on my site tour and saw how smitten I was. The brother is now upset and feels as though our planning is interfering with theirs.

Both of us are looking at marrying within a few months of each other. Should I delay my planning a year to accommodate them?

How did they "lose" their venue?  I also agree that this seems silly, and who cares if you get married at the same place?  

Maggie0829

Why does it matter if they use the same venue as you?

Maggie0829

OP, between this post and your other post you are worrying about a lot of things that are just not important.

AddieCake

It doesn't matter if you get married at the same place, and you shouldn't have to delay planning for them.

frenchiekin

No.  Do not delay your wedding.  It's ok for you and FIs brother to get married close to each other.  It's even ok to get married at the same venue - the weddings themselves will be different.  I think your FBIL is being unreasonable by getting upset that you and FI are interfering with their plans.  

You both need to go about planning as normal and pick the venue that works best for you.  They may not even end up liking the venue you love.  We ended up with something completely different than what we initially wanted.  Once you are ready to book something, double check your date with VIPs and book it.  You don't need their approval just because they got engaged first.  

I think it's very unlikely that you both will end up picking the same venue, unless there are only those 2 options in your area.  Something that has kept me sane through planning and worrying about all the hypotheticals: don't stress until there's something to actually stress about... nothing bad has actually happened yet.  Deep breaths, it will work out!

climbingsingle

Tell the brother to put his big boy pants on and get over. Honestly, I would have been elated if someone used the same venue as us. 

pinkcow13

climbingwife said:

Tell the brother to put his big boy pants on and get over. Honestly, I would have been elated if someone used the same venue as us. 

Same here. My BFF got married this month, after a very short engagement, but before they decided on the wedding date, I told her that she should totally use the same venue as us (she LOVES our venue). You do not need to delay your wedding. There is no reason why your planning should interfere with theirs, and vice versa. 

Personally, I don't see why people make such a big deal about a close friend or family member possibly using the same venue. I would LOVE to attend a wedding at our venue. Being a guest at a wedding is not the same as being the bride and groom at a wedding. Even though we had a blast at our wedding, we did not get to to enjoy our entire cocktail hour, taste all the hors d'ouvres that were served, and we had the pressure of hosting and speaking to each of our guests the entire night. 

JaxInBlue

I wouldn't delay.  DH and I got married in our hometown, and when we did there were less than a handful of places that could host weddings of our size (about 175 on our list).  Most of our guests would have gone to a wedding or another event at either of top 2 locations.  We did not care.

You can both make the venue feel different by using different elements.  Different choices in lighting, table placement, place setting, center pieces, and other decor will make a room feel very different than another choice.  Plus, if you are both looking at the same venue, you may be able to negotiate some deals or benefits to help you with your planning.

ETF: grammar

Maggie0829

scribe95 said:

In many areas of the nation there aren't a lot of options so lots of people get married at the same place. I wouldn't worry about it. Just go about planning. I mean don't have it a week later or anything but otherwise everything will be fine. 

Also, it doesn't sound like this is "your venue" yet but just that you are dreaming of it. Is it reserved and you have a date?

And even in areas where there are a lot of choices people will still get married in the same place.  For example I live in a pretty populated area near a large city with a crap ton of options for wedding reception sites.  H and I thought we were being "unique" by getting married at Raven's Stadium only to find out a month before that another person I knew from high school was having her reception there 3 weeks before us.  So our unique venue was no longer unique, but it was still awesome and all of our guests loved it.  Also, I went to 4 weddings at the same venue within a year.  All 4 weddings were different.  And it was a nice venue so I could see why all the couples chose it.

So you need to get over the fact that other people, even close relatives, may use the same venue as you.

OliveOilsMom

This can only work out in your favor.  Can you all go together and see if you can get a multi date discount?  Knowing the venue will host two large receptions, maybe they will give you something off or an added bonus of some kind.

I would LOVE to attend another wedding at my reception venue.  The food is amazing and it would mean that I could enjoy all of cocktail hour and could take time to eat my dinner.

[Deleted User]

JaxInBlue said:

I wouldn't delay.  DH and I got married in our hometown, and when we did there were less than a handful of places that could host weddings of our size (about 175 on our list).  Most of our guests would have gone to a wedding or another event at either of top 2 locations.  We did not care.

You can both make the venue feel different by using different elements.  Different choices in lighting, table placement, place setting, center pieces, and other decor will make a room feel very different than another choice.  Plus, if you are both looking at the same venue, you may be able to negotiate some deals or benefits to help you with your planning.

ETF: grammar

Exactly this.  If you book the same place, see if you can get a deal.  "If we book two parties here within three months of each other can we get a discount?"  And maybe you can share supplies.  Like a card box, that's not something that has to be unique.  Maybe the florist will give you a deal if you both choose the same one.

And... if theirs is first... you can see what you like and don't like about their wedding layout and change it up.  "Hmm, that guest book table is kinda in the way over there.  I'll have to make sure we put our guest book table in this area here."

Knottie32957159

I don't have a problem sharing the venue at all. I just didn't know if there was etiquette involved in that. I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. 

[Deleted User]

Knottie32957159 said:

I don't have a problem sharing the venue at all. I just didn't know if there was etiquette involved in that. I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. 

Nope.  You're good.

hellohkb

It sounds like the issue is more that the brother is getting annoyed with this situation, not OP. OP, I'd ignore the brother. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Maggie0829

Knottie32957159 said:

I don't have a problem sharing the venue at all. I just didn't know if there was etiquette involved in that. I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. 

Well in all honesty you were the one who wanted to use that venue first so if anyone should be concerned about stepping on anyone's toes it should be the brother since their first venue fell through.

But no there are no etiquette blunders in using the same venue as a relative.  If you love it then book it.  If they book the same one then okay.  Will your wedding be before or after theirs?  If it is after then you will get to see how your venue works for weddings.  Then you can take away any lessons learned and make changes if necessary to make your wedding run even smoother.

STARMOON44

I once attended two weddings back to back in the same location. One month apart. For sisters. It was what they could afford, it was convenient, and it was lovely.

LondonLisa

If anything this is great for you. I would love to attend a wedding at my venue a few months before mine. You get to see the nitty gritty and manage it for your own, such as:

"I disliked the way you cleared platters from cocktail hour before people were done, please ensure that this is removerd after the guests leave for the dinner" or 

"2 bartenders were just not enough during the cocktail hour. Would it be possible to have a third to reduce the queue"

You are essentially getting a logistical dry run before your day. 

lyndausvi

I had a lot of cousins get married in the same location.  Same church and hall.   Some within a few months of each other.  It was no big deal.  If anything it was sweet.   Each wedding had their differences.   Different guests, different entertainment, different food.   And in my case different brides and grooms.

  

MandyMost

If you had already booked the venue, I could see you being a bit irritated at them looking to book the same venue, to be honest. I know it doesn't matter at all and has absolutely no effect on you, but I'd still be a little (irrationally) peeved.

But the fact that it seems as if you don't have the venue booked? Seems a bit ridiculous to have any emotions over this. Now the choice will be yours--is the venue more important to you, or is getting married at a location no other immediate family members have gotten married in more important?

SP29

Nope. No toe stepping.

You each get one day. You can both get married at the same venue- I agree, try to negotiate a discount out of it! "My BIL and his fiancee are also getting married this year, they are thinking of the month before ours. I raved to them about how great this venue is, and they are interested in booking too. Do you offer any sort of family discounts?".

lovesclimbing

Ditto PPs. You both need to have your weddings at the venues and in the timeframe that works for you.

My sister and my BIL got married at my venue. My two sisters got engaged within weeks of each other. I got engaged a week before two different cousins got married. Two of my cousins (who are siblings) got engaged almost the same day. Their FB statues changed at the same time. I literally scrolled down my FB feed and the two statuses were listed one after the other. They also got married maybe a month apart. My cousin found out she was pregnant maybe a week before her SILs wedding (but she did hold off telling the family until after the wedding, although there was no real need to).

I have so many cousins that are close in age, and two of my sibs and I got married within 16 months, that we're all getting married within a few year period and we'll probably all have babies around the same time. There's no such thing as stealing thunder and no such thing as interfering.

mrscomposer

 

Knottie32957159 said:

I don't have a problem sharing the venue at all. I just didn't know if there was etiquette involved in that. I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. 

Why?  You're the one who had it booked first (I'm assuming, anyway.  You didn't say anything about having it booked, but you did go see it first).  If you don't care, they shouldn't either.  And if they do, they're silly.

Welcome to the way things are in small towns.  Two of my cousins got married at the same hall, because it's one of the only ones available.  It was also the hall where we had the funeral of another cousin.  Oh, and it's where the discing bonspiel is every year, and the dance for the ball tournament.  It's just a building.

lc07

OP I get the sense that you (and possibly your FBIL) feel like since he became engaged first that he has dibs on all sorts of things and that his choices come before yours. NOT true. 

southernbelle0915

Knottie32957159 said:

I don't have a problem sharing the venue at all. I just didn't know if there was etiquette involved in that. I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. 

Nope, no etiquette problem here!

They're just now looking at the venue and you already had a site tour and decided on it? How on earth would YOU be interfering?

Carry on, you're doing nothing wrong!

kvruns

are you going to book the venue or is it still just in "dream venue" status? You said you visited it with MIL but didn't say you booked. You could find another dream venue and this becomes a moot point so I wouldn't get too upset over the "what ifs".  and if you both end up with the same venue, so be it

katenan89

This is a pretty complicated situation. I think it'd be OK to have it at the same venue if there were different seasons/colors/decorations - something to make it your own. But it's also totally understandable that you're frustrated with the idea. You only (hopefully) do this once and you want it to be special.

No one has "dibs" because of the order things happen in. My FI's cousin just got married. They got engaged after us and it was a point of some stress (I think) for both couples. Ultimately it worked out! Make sure communication stays open and all parties behave maturely!

wackall

Just consider it a new family tradition!   How fun if years from now your children also were able to use the same venue. 

Jen4948

Knottie32957159 said:

I don't have a problem sharing the venue at all. I just didn't know if there was etiquette involved in that. I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. 

No, no problem.

He and his FI are not entitled to expect you to change your venue or delay your wedding.  You each get one day.  I like LondonLisa's suggestion about how it could be a dry run of the venue before your wedding.

TheCheeseWench

climbingwife said:

Tell the brother to put his big boy pants on and get over. Honestly, I would have been elated if someone used the same venue as us. 

^^^This. If it's a cool place to throw a party, it's a cool place to attend another party.

When I married ex-H, TWO of my bridesmaids booked the same reception venue within 3 months of my wedding (one had to change after an unexpected job change and out of state move) and the remaining one also booked my caterer, florist and cake baker. What did that mean? She liked the way my wedding turned out. WTH is wrong with that? Carry on with your plans. They need to get over it.