WWTKD

kaos16

One of the Judges in the Court where I work lost a family member last weekend in a terrible car accident.  A few of my coworkers want to go down there this afternoon to give their condolences.  I was invited to join.  I hardly know the Judge, although he is a very nice man.  I feel awkward going down as part of a group to essentially ambush him at work to pay our respects for his loss.  Am I being too sensitive?  Would you go?  What should I do?  Does it change your opinion that the coworker who invited me is quite overdramatic?

beachyone15

I don't know about just "showing up" like that. Could you send a card with condolences? That seems more appropriate.

kimmiinthemitten

If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it.

If you weren't invited with the group, how would you handle this; that's what I would do.  A knowing smile and eye contact, a short note, a kind email, checking in when they return to work after the funeral are all perfectly acceptable and kind ways to acknowledge the situation.

Lulawife

I second sending a card as a group with your condolences rather than seeking him out in person. The sentiment is nice but I feel it would be awkward for everyone involved. 

emmaaa

I would send him a card. 

Maggie0829

To just drop by seems kind of odd and really could back fire.  I am sure the last thing he would want is to be ambushed at work by a bunch of people wanting to give their condolences.  Talk about awkward.

I would personally just send a card and tell this coworker thanks but no thanks.

WinstonsGirl

Nope, I wouldn't go.  He might then feel obligated to "entertain" the group - snacks, small chat when he's probably still reeling from it.  Send a card if you want to, or some food and let him make the decision on when he's ready for people.  I assume he also has family there, so he won't be alone

jacques27

What do you mean "go down there"?  Go to the wake or funeral?  Or just go down to his office where he's working to acknowledge his loss?

If it's make an appearance at the wake, I think that's fine.  I have done that for some of my coworkers and I found it comforting to have the support when I experienced it myself.  But if it's going down to his place of work, where maybe he's trying to temporarily forget his loss and cope through work, I think it's a little inappropriate unless you routinely visit him outside of horrible tragedies.  I personally think taking a collection for a card and some flowers or a donation in honor of the deceased if that was requested and electing one person to deliver it (signed by all of you), would probably be the more appropriate thing to do.

kaos16

My bad, the wake was last week.  A few girls who work with him everyday went to that.  I am talking about going down to his office in the court building.

novella1186

I agree with PP; just send a nice card. 

Personally I would HATE to be ambushed by a big group of people-- especially people I don't know well-- over a tragic loss. It's like they literally all showed up to throw me a pity party. 

I know your coworker means well and is trying to do something nice, but not everyone would appreciate that kind of thing. 

jacques27

kaos16 said:

My bad, the wake was last week.  A few girls who work with him everyday went to that.  I am talking about going down to his office in the court building.

I say no.  That sort of display (all going as a group to his place of work) makes it all about you (the group), not about him.  There are appropriate places to express condolences and show support (like at a wake or by sending a card), but I know I personally would hate to just be going about my business, trying to get through my day and do my job which is probably hard enough as it is just keeping it together, and then BAM!  Ambushed by a big group who want to bring up this very hard topic for me at a time and place when I might not be prepared for it.

I, personally, say get a group collection together, send a card to his home (if someone has his home address), and if you happen to see him at a time that seems appropriate express your condolences then.  Or just be supportive, bring him a cup of coffee or a muffin the next time you happen to be in the location of his office and tell him you were thinking about him.  But I think group ambush is not appropriate, even if you did know him well.

onefootinthebayou

Agree with PPs. Your coworker is being unnecessarily demonstrative with this proposal. There are many appropriate ways to express your condolences but an unannounced visit is not one of them.

AddieCake

I wouldn't go. 

ShesSoCold

I agree with PPs. If anything, I would send a card. 

kaos16

That's what I was thinking. . . . thanks everyone.  I just didn't want to be the rude jerk of the office by not going.

ChemFanatic25

Maggie0829 said:

To just drop by seems kind of odd and really could back fire.  I am sure the last thing he would want is to be ambushed at work by a bunch of people wanting to give their condolences.  Talk about awkward.

I would personally just send a card and tell this coworker thanks but no thanks.

 

**SITDB!**

 

I second this. When my father died, I let my boss know and I specifically requested that if he was going to inform people why I was not at work for the next couple of days, I ask that he ask them to please not approach me about it. I know everyone means well but I most definitely did not want to discuss it and I would most definitely have been felt ambushed, even if it was by one person.

thisismynickname2

When there's been losses in my work environment, we generally send at least a card. We try to find out what the family wants in terms of condolences-- whether that's a donation to a fund or charity, or if flowers suffice (check the obituary/website). We tend to send a lot of flowers....

Viczaesar

Dude, seriously?  Why do any of you think he would appreciate being ambushed about his loss like that?  Send him a card or an email or something else he can open and react to in privacy.  One of the hardest things about the last week and a half has been dealing with all of the people who want to tell me in person how sorry they are.  My sister let her friend know about dad's death by text and immediately said "I don't want to talk about it," and not two minutes later friend called to talk about it.  WTF?  Every time someone tells my mom they're sorry for her loss she bursts into tears.  Don't make somebody have a conversation about their recent loss with you.  It sucks hairy monkey balls.

ETA: Not to direct this at you, kaos.  I'm just shaking my head at your coworkers.

CMGragain

What are the funeral/memorial arrangements?  Often, there is a designated time for people to greet and share condolences with the family.  This is the time to express your thoughts and prayers, not the office!
A card is very appropriate.