Uninvited guests?

Knottie28385687

I sent an invitation to my cousin, her boyfriend who lives with her, and her two sons. She is also a bridesmaid btw. She sent me a text earlier today that read: "Do I include myself in the RSVP number since I am in the wedding? It will be me, Matt and Ben (her sons), and Bob and his son". I did not invite her boyfriend's son...I've never even met him nor do I know anything about him at all.

Is it wrong for me to consider this rude? She didn't even ask if he could come...there are a lot of people we had to pass up on inviting because our budget is so tight.

I don't know what to do, I feel so awkward and I know she will get mad if I say her boyfriend's son isn't invited.

lyndausvi

How old is the son?  Do they have custody when your wedding is?

I don't think you have to invite him and it's rude of her to just assume.  That said if the son is a minor and they have him on that weekend I would be inclined to let him come with the other 2 boys.   Blended families are hard enough, it would suck to be excluded when they other 2 are not.

Now if he is an adult or it's not their week then I would change my answer.

Knottie28385687

I believe his son is 13 or 14. I don't know what the situation is as far as who has custody when is.

I don't want to step on any toes because you're right, blended families are hard. I guess my other thing is that I've only met her boyfriend once as it is.

My fiancé doesn't want to invite the son at all because we've had to pass up on inviting friends because we can't afford it.

It's just tough!

lyndausvi

Knottie28385687 said:

I believe his son is 13 or 14. I don't know what the situation is as far as who has custody when is. I don't want to step on any toes because you're right, blended families are hard. I guess my other thing is that I've only met her boyfriend once as it is. My fiancé doesn't want to invite the son at all because we've had to pass up on inviting friends because we can't afford it. It's just tough!

So.

Look do what you want, but the ease of my guests and in this case a WP member is important to me.   I would hate to put her in a bad position.

But that is just me.

STARMOON44

She's one of your closest friends. This is someone important to her. Personally I'd just let it go.

jacques27

How many times you have met the boyfriend is irrelevant.  He's significant to her and they are in a relationship.  And him and his son are a package deal.  It was certainly rude of her to add someone on, but since she lives with the boyfriend and presumably the boyfriend has at least custody part time and lives with her one could argue that it was also on you to find out whether this would have been a date he has custody of the child and/or consider them a family unit and not break them up since you're inviting her children (and they could just RSVP no if it was the other parent's day to have custody). 

It's trickier with blended families and I could see how one would inadvertently not remember to include the boyfriend's child (as he's not actually a step-son and depending on the custody arrangement may not spend a lot of time there), but since they live together, this is where I would consider them a family unit and make sure the boyfriend's son is included.

snowywinter

I agree with the previous posters. If the child is a minor, I think you need to invite him if you want your friend there. She's in the wedding party so she obviously must be close to you. She and her boyfriend aren't just dating. They're living together, which means they're technically a family unit and I wouldn't invite 4 out of 5 in a family, especially if that 5th is a child and the other two children are invited.

00kim00

It's rude to split up families. It's okay to invite all the kids in the family or none, but excluding one/some based on who their biological parent is is not okay. The fact that the adults live together but are not married has no more impact on who is family than it would on who is considered a significant other. It's up to them to define it.

If you invited me, my husband, and our biological child but not my step child, I would either be very offended and decline the invite or give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you forgot about him. If I were close enough to you to be a bridesmaid, I would probably say the latter. If I were in your position, I'd apologize profusely for forgetting (or not knowing about?) her boyfriend's child and not putting his name on the invite and saying your looking forward to seeing them all.

Full disclosure: we forgot a child in our invites. My husband's friends, who I'd met twice nearly a year earlier had a 4 year old son, who we invited. Within that year, they had another baby who we never met and totally forgot about. When we got their RSVP back with 3 people, something clicked and we realized we forgot the baby. We felt horrible and made a very apologetic phone call ensuring them that of course the baby was welcome too and we'd love to meet him. They said they weren't offended, but I still feel bad about it.

APDSS22

I agree with previous posters.  If you hadn't invited her children, you could've also not invited this child but since you invited her children, there's not really a gracious way to exclude this one.  Don't look at it as having one more person that is not a super close friend of yourself or your FI, look at it as making your bridesmaid happy and being a kind a gracious host.  She is obviously important to you if you asked her to be a bridesmaid: these are the people who are important to her. 

Everyone has to make guest list cuts to fit in their budget.  The only thing you can do from here is look at the positives rather than focusing on what you can't have or who you couldn't invite.  You have people who love you and want to celebrate this big day with you.  That's definitely a positive.

redoryx

00kim00 said:

It's rude to split up families. It's okay to invite all the kids in the family or none, but excluding one/some based on who their biological parent is is not okay. The fact that the adults live together but are not married has no more impact on who is family than it would on who is considered a significant other. It's up to them to define it. If you invited me, my husband, and our biological child but not my step child, I would either be very offended and decline the invite or give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you forgot about him. If I were close enough to you to be a bridesmaid, I would probably say the latter. If I were in your position, I'd apologize profusely for forgetting (or not knowing about?) her boyfriend's child and not putting his name on the invite and saying your looking forward to seeing them all. Full disclosure: we forgot a child in our invites. My husband's friends, who I'd met twice nearly a year earlier had a 4 year old son, who we invited. Within that year, they had another baby who we never met and totally forgot about. When we got their RSVP back with 3 people, something clicked and we realized we forgot the baby. We felt horrible and made a very apologetic phone call ensuring them that of course the baby was welcome too and we'd love to meet him. They said they weren't offended, but I still feel bad about it.

This.

SP29

I feel like you need to invite the BF's son, since you are inviting your cousins kids.

She and her bf live together, thus married or not, they are a social unit and family.

I look at this as all 3 kids are the family, and it is rude to split up a family (i.e. invite some kids but not others).

I would tell her, "Sorry for the mistake, yes you are all invited and I would like you to RSVP as well, for dinner numbers".

Look at saving money elsewhere to make up for the one person- smaller bouquets, cheaper flowers, no favours.