Advice from old-timers

lyndausvi

I've seen a lot of new posters stressing over things that could have been avoided.      Here is few pieces of advice I would give a newly engaged couple:

Figure out your guest list, budget and what kind of wedding you want together.  They all feed off each other.  THEN booked your venue. 

 I kind-of side-eye those who have some random number of 50 people to host and then realize their must haves = 54.   OR they pick the venue then pick the guest list.  Seems kind of silly not to be to pick a venue that can hold all of your 54 must haves.   Instead of stressing over which 4 get the axe.     

Don't get me started on the couple who picks a venue. Then find out they can't afford their guest list because they do not take inconsideration of extra fees, tips, etc or worse the bar.   Why is the bar always forgotten?  Look at ALL the costs before signing on that dotted line. 

 It's easier to find a venue when you have a pretty decent grasp of your wants and needs opposed to trying to fit into a contract you signed.

Add a buffer to your guest list.  Unless you have a short 3 month engagement things change.  Your truly single is now married, your BM now has a kid.  Grandma might need a caretaker.  Your FI forgot his co-worker was married.   You are now great friends with someone you didn't even know when the list was made.   Buffers allow you a little flexibility for when these things come up.   If you don't need any of the buffer then you have bonus money.

STD - sometimes they do more harm then good.  Bottom line is if they get a STD you have to send them an invite.  If they didn't get a STD you can still invite them.   Relationships change, heck finances can change.   Do not lock yourself into acquaintances and non-must haves.

What kind-of advice would other old-timers give to our newly planning couples and lurkers to lower their stress?

ShesSoCold

[Deleted User]

Be realistic when you want to do everything yourself. DIYing things isn't always cheaper once you figure out how much time you have to invest. Especially set up, do you really want to end up having to help clean up the trash & breaking down the table & chairs that have to be ready for pick up or the venue has be cleared before you leave for the night after your wedding? Because don't count on your bridal party to help do it, especially if you have an open bar. They may be too sick or passed out to help out afterwards.

Bridal Party - You want to keep your expenses down, keep your bridal party small. Just because you've been friends with Susie for 15 years doesn't mean she has to be a BM.  Remember for every person you ask to be in your bridal party you need to get them a gift, you need to get them flowers, the more people you have to feed if you do a rehersal dinner, and if you rent a limo, the bigger the bridal party the bigger vehicle you will need increasing the cost of that. Not to even forget dealing with all of the different personalities and coordinating everyone.

 

Jen4948

Make sure to include the costs of feeding vendors to your budget and that the number of vendors is included in your space capacity.

Have a budget before picking a venue.  

Don't make plans that include funds you don't actually have in your bank account.  If someone has promised to contribute financially, get that contribution before you sign any contracts or have to give any deposits.  And they that pay get a say, so if you don't want to give anyone else a say, be prepared to pay for everything yourself.

If your wedding is outdoors, have a Plan B in case of inclement weather.  Even if the weather is good, be prepared for heat, cold, wind, bugs, and darkness.

Don't plan an evening reception until you've scheduled your ceremony.  If the only time you can schedule your ceremony is during the day, then forget about an evening reception.  The reception needs to immediately follow the ceremony regardless of the time of day the ceremony takes place, with no gap in between.

lyndausvi

Jen4948 said:

Make sure to include the costs of feeding vendors to your budget and that the number of vendors is included in your space capacity.

Have a budget before picking a venue.

If your wedding is outdoors, have a Plan B in case of inclement weather.

You would think after my experience that would have been at the top of my list.  

FWIW - we did have a back-up plan.

LD1970

The most important aspects of a wedding reception are the ones that make it a good party:  food, drink, music.  Everything else, meh.  Better to spend less on flowers and uplighting, and more on good food & a good DJ or band.  And if you can't swing it either financially or timewise, forget the favors.  No one cares, I promise.

Having a wedding is like doing live theater.  Something is almost guaranteed to go wrong.  Don't stress it.  Once you're married none of it matters, and at worst becomes an amusing story to tell years later.

beachyone15

Just don't even waste your time thinking about anything other than choosing the basic dress for your BMs. Forget about specific shoes, hair, makeup, and matching jewelry for your BMs. They are adults and you (presumably) love them the way they are so let them accessorize themselves. My girls all agreed on the same dress, but some wanted it long and others wanted the high-low version that was offered. Some wanted professional hair/makeup and some didn't. It was their choice, and they all looked beautiful! Let them be themselves.

thisismynickname2

Allocate your budget primarily to whatever affects guests' comfort. Don't stress over the details that don't have a direct effect on the people that you are inviting. 

Does every butt have a seat? Does every mouth get food and beverage? Is everyone staying dry and at a reasonable temperature? Worry about that first. 

lyndausvi

beachyone15 said:

Just don't even waste your time thinking about anything other than choosing the basic dress for your BMs. Forget about specific shoes, hair, makeup, and matching jewelry for your BMs. They are adults and you (presumably) love them the way they are so let them accessorize themselves. My girls all agreed on the same dress, but some wanted it long and others wanted the high-low version that was offered. Some wanted professional hair/makeup and some didn't. It was their choice, and they all looked beautiful! Let them be themselves.

YES!

I always kind-of read those threads and wonder what their life it like that so much time and energy is put into the nail color of a friend?    Really?  There is no real issues you could be devoting too?

beachyone15

lyndausvi said:

beachyone15 said:

Just don't even waste your time thinking about anything other than choosing the basic dress for your BMs. Forget about specific shoes, hair, makeup, and matching jewelry for your BMs. They are adults and you (presumably) love them the way they are so let them accessorize themselves. My girls all agreed on the same dress, but some wanted it long and others wanted the high-low version that was offered. Some wanted professional hair/makeup and some didn't. It was their choice, and they all looked beautiful! Let them be themselves.

YES!

I always kind-of read those threads and wonder what their life it like that so much time and energy is put into the nail color of a friend?    Really?  There is no real issues you could be devoting too?

To be honest, I had always thought that matching-everything was just "what you do" before I found TK. It makes total sense to me now that none of that is necessary and it's just added stress that doesn't matter. I have to say that whenever I go to a wedding now, I notice if the bridesmaids have the same hairstyle or jewelry and totally judge the bride a little in my head.

kmmssg

Well, first, I would tell them how smart you are Lynda..

I woud say remember that the wedding is for the couple and the reception is how the couple THANKS everyone for coming.  You will need a solid 60% of your budget for reception expenses.  Think venue, caterer, staff, decorations, tables, linen, chairs, cocktail hour, cake, drinks(alcohol/nonalcohl), etc.

If you really have to have all 243 people on your guest list and you have a 5000 budget, remember that 3000.00 of your budget needs to cover the venue, food, drinks, vendor, staff, and anything else you need for your those 243 (place settings, flatware, glasses, napkins, cake, etc).  If you have 243 guests and 3000.00 to cover all of them you need to understand you are doing a mid afteroon or 8pm type of wedding with punch, coffee, some finger foods. 

People will tell you that you can bank on 20-30 percent not attending. That is BS.  I  have had  daughters go down the aisle.  The one who married in the dead of Winter had a 96% attendance rate.  Her sisters were between 64% and 89%.  BUDGET FOR 100% and make sure your venue very comfortably fits all of your guest list.  The last wedding I attended was so overcrowded that only one person could get out to refill our punch our grab us another carrot stick. It sucked because they planned very poorly.

Logistics is everything. EVERYTHING.

Your guests should pay for nothing at your wedding - not a dollar dance, not alcohol, not nothing.  They also are not there as your decorators or cleaner uppers or servers.  They are your guest - this is how you are thanking them!

Remember that  your wedding party are the people you want to honor.  It is not their responsibility to throw your shower, pay for your bach party, or anything else.  If they volunteer, then great!

Ask each bridal party member privately what their budget is for the outfit, including alterations.  Stick with the lowest budget you are given.  If you require professionally styled hair, professional makeup or a particular shoe - YOU pay for it

Most of all, don't try to pull off a platinum wedding when you have a 5000.00 budget.  You can throw a lovely wedding for 5 grand but it won't be a platinu wedding and that is fine!

 

lyndausvi

kmmssg said:

Well, first, I would tell them how smart you are Lynda..

aw, shucks.

Jen4948

One other one:

It's never okay to expect guests to pay for anything out of their own pockets, whether that's for drinks, parking, or whatever.  So that means no cash bars, potlucks, dollar dances, or parking charges, regardless of what is "done" in your family, circle, region or culture.  You're responsible for covering all the food, drink, parking, and entertainment costs, and without expecting guests to "cover their plates."  They don't owe you reimbursement for the money you chose to spend to host them.

ShesSoCold

Think outside "that's just what everyone has always done". If you're going through wedding motions, think about why. I always thought head tables with the wedding party only and even sides were annoying, but normal and "just what ya do". Horseshit. 

lyndausvi

ShesSoCold said:

Think outside "that's just what everyone has always done". If you're going through wedding motions, think about why. I always thought head tables with the wedding party only and even sides were annoying, but normal and "just what ya do". Horseshit. 

Good point.

@kmmssg is always spot on.  She's a  like an am-pro and knows her shit.

loveislouder

Before I came on TK I didn't know that the Reception was a thank you for the guests for coming - I thought it was just a giant party.

The best piece of advice I got (we were sitting about 30 days out and I was stressing hard):  What gets done gets done, and what doesn't wasn't all that important to begin with. At the end of the day you're married and that's all that matters. 

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

I've seen a lot of new posters stressing over things that could have been avoided.      Here is few pieces of advice I would give a newly engaged couple:

Figure out your guest list, budget and what kind of wedding you want together. They all feed off each other.  THEN booked your venue.   And you don't have a date until you have booked your ceremony and reception venues and signed the contracts.  Otherwise you are literally just pulling a random date out of your ass.

And until you have booked your ceremony and reception venues and signed the contracts,  DON'T book anything else!!    I can't stand it when brides come on these boards freaking out that ZOMG their venue is booked on their date. . . if the venue is he important thing to you, then pick a new damn date!  It's just a set of numbers ><

 I kind-of side-eye those who have some random number of 50 people to host and then realize their must haves = 54.   OR they pick the venue then pick the guest list.  Seems kind of silly not to be to pick a venue that can hold all of your 54 must haves.   Instead of stressing over which 4 get the axe.     

Don't get me started on the couple who picks a venue. Then find out they can't afford their guest list because they do not take inconsideration of extra fees, tips, etc or worse the bar.   Why is the bar always forgotten?  Look at ALL the costs before signing on that dotted line. 

 It's easier to find a venue when you have a pretty decent grasp of your wants and needs opposed to trying to fit into a contract you signed.

Add a buffer to your guest list.  Unless you have a short 3 month engagement things change.  Your truly single is now married, your BM now has a kid.  Grandma might need a caretaker.  Your FI forgot his co-worker was married.   You are now great friends with someone you didn't even know when the list was made.   Buffers allow you a little flexibility for when these things come up.   If you don't need any of the buffer then you have bonus money.

STD - sometimes they do more harm then good.  Bottom line is if they get a STD you have to send them an invite.  If they didn't get a STD you can still invite them.   Relationships change, heck finances can change.   Do not lock yourself into acquaintances and non-must haves.

What kind-of advice would other old-timers give to our newly planning couples and lurkers to lower their stress?

I'll add more later. . .

MyNameIsNot

Great stuff!

All I'd add, is chill out and don't sweat the small stuff. When you get down to it, it's just a party. No one cares what the centerpieces look like or what color scheme you decided on. Just make it fun. 

novella1186

Your guests won't forget that they were treated poorly. They may not say to your face that you were rude and they're offended, but they'll be thinking it. So don't treat them poorly. 

Hosting them well should come first and foremost, ahead of ice sculptures and your fancy limo and photo booths and whatever other nonsense. If you can't afford to host them well, then you need to cut your guest list and/or plan better. 

We're invited to a wedding at the end of September for which the bride and groom are already doing very rude things. Everyone we know of who's invited is talking about them, and trying to find a reason not to go. 

Jen4948

Your wedding party should be the people who you consider your nearest and dearest.  Don't ask anyone to be in your wedding party who doesn't fall in that category, even if you are under family or other pressure to do so, because you can't ask them to step down or replace them later.

And when you ask them to be in your wedding party, ask them individually in private and get their budgets and schedules at that time.  Don't make them spend money they don't have on dresses, accessories, hair, or makeup, give them nice gifts tailored to their individual interests and your budget that you don't expect them to wear or use at the wedding, and while it's nice if they can go on shopping trips, help with DIY projects, and plan parties for you, don't expect them to do it unless they volunteer.  And if they can't make it to a wedding-related event, accept that and move on.

SP29

What you said lyndausvi is perfect!

Found your perfect venue, for your 200 guests, but you can't afford it all, so is a cash bar OK? NO! Find a new venue.

Found your perfect venue that fits 50, but you really wanted to invite 100 people, so can you B-list in order to get as many of those 100 attending? NO! Find a new venue.

Also agree with don't sweat the small stuff. Take care of your priorities- seating, food, beverage, no gaps, ceremony on time, Bride + Groom + Officiant present= golden. No one honestly cares about your centerpieces or up lighting or that YOU and your FI got to sit in giant throne-like chairs.

I remember wanting this specific flower design for our cupcakes. I can't even remember what they looked like the day of! And I ate a whole bunch of the leftovers for days to follow .

MobKaz

If you want a faith based ceremony, make that your priority and talk with your religious personnel FIRST.  Do not be shocked to find out that AFTER you booked a reception venue, that your church cannot accommodate the time frame you had in mind.  It will NOT be the fault of any ceremony location that you need to create a gap.

Faith based ceremonies will have prerequisites.  Find them ALL out prior to making any commitments with other venues or vendors.

Gaps CAN be avoided.  It is YOUR choice whether you are rude or polite to your guests.

Every fanny needs a place to park.  Period.  This holds true for both the ceremony and reception.

If, during your wedding planning, you start ANY sentence with the words, "Well, if they love us.........." the chance is great that you are doing something wrong.  Just because someone does not tell you to your face you are being rude does not mean you are not.  It just means those people have better manners than you.

The days of Stepford Bridesmaids must end.  Help break the cycle.

CMGragain

Courtesy of Miss Manners:

Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders

1. When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married.

2. People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around.

3. A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it.

4. Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril.

5. Your guests are not your personal shoppers.

banana468

Guests don't remember the things that brides can stress. They don't care about a monogram or a personalized ribbon or lighting in your wedding colors. They do remember good food , quality cake and whether or not you hosted well. Remember, most people would rather eat BBQ and macaroni and cheese on paper plates with a cold hosted beer in their hand (or wine) vs. dress up and pay for their drinks.

If you treat any one group of guests with some priority over others, the others will find out. And they'll be pissed.

And finally, do not plan anything under the belief that you'll make money back from the gifts from your guests.

knottie93f96a98e60cf4f2

Im a newbie here but I have a point to add on pot luck receptions... besides the fact it's just rude because you are supposed to be hosting and thanking your guests, asking everyone to bring a dish expecting to feed everyone else is like reserving your venue without "promised" cash in hand.
How could you expect it to feed everyone, and how can you know that Aunt Peggy has the same standards for sanitation as a caterer or that Uncle Bartholomew didnt just drive around for 3 hours with that potato salad in his passenger seat? YOU CANT!

This is the blunder I've seen the most.

ETA this is a wonderful thread ladies! Thanks for the great advice& tips.

OllisaurusRex

Thanks for the tips!

I admit, we have a location before confirmed guest list. But we knew from family weddings we'll be in the 175-200 range and our site can handle 300 comfortably. And we went for it.

DarthV8r

I have to write some of these down in my wedding binder. Great advice knotties. I'd  like to remind myself of some of these if I ever get stressed. Although  I have paid attention  to all of these rules while planning I don't want my feathers ruffled if we hit a few bumps in the road.

downtondiva

I don't know if I count as an "old timer" if my wedding hasn't happened yet, but the #1 piece of advice I would give anyone getting married is this: plan a wedding that you can afford on your own. While it is wonderful if family members offer to help, it is ultimately your responsibility to pay for the wedding you choose to have, and you cannot and should not assume that anyone will give you money toward it. You will save yourself a lot of stress later if you're realistic now.

Another word of advice I would give is to find out as much about the venues you're looking at as possible before you even go to look at them...especially regarding how much they cost. There were several venues I liked but didn't visit because I found out early that they were going to cost a lot more than we were comfortable paying. It was a lot better than falling in love with a place we saw and then finding out we couldn't afford it,  and we saved ourselves a lot of time and disappointment that way.

kaitlanmw

downtondiva said:

I don't know if I count as an "old timer" if my wedding hasn't happened yet, but the #1 piece of advice I would give anyone getting married is this: plan a wedding that you can afford on your own. While it is wonderful if family members offer to help, it is ultimately your responsibility to pay for the wedding you choose to have, and you cannot and should not assume that anyone will give you money toward it. You will save yourself a lot of stress later if you're realistic now.

Another word of advice I would give is to find out as much about the venues you're looking at as possible before you even go to look at them...especially regarding how much they cost. There were several venues I liked but didn't visit because I found out early that they were going to cost a lot more than we were comfortable paying. It was a lot better than falling in love with a place we saw and then finding out we couldn't afford it,  and we saved ourselves a lot of time and disappointment that way.

I have to agree with this.  I only actually went to visit three venues - because before I went on visits, I looked at websites to determine which ones were in my budget.  Saved a TON of time.  And kept me from falling in love with something we can't afford.

WinstonsGirl

Read the damn stickies!!

Jen4948

If you choose for whatever reason to get "legally" married ahead of your "wedding" day, whether the reason is for financial, religious, medical, insurance, work, or military reasons, then the day you get "legally" married is your wedding.  Anything that follows is a reenactment, not your "wedding," and keeping the "legal" wedding a secret is extremely rude.  If you feel the need to do this without keeping the "legal" wedding a secret, then be honest and accept that the second occasion is not your "wedding." 

It is acceptable to have a "celebration" of your wedding following the ceremony, but don't treat it as your "wedding" and don't have anything wedding-related, such as wedding party members, registries, showers, pre-wedding parties like showers, bachelor/ette parties, or rehearsal dinners, spotlight dances, and bouquet and garter tosses.  Some people also advise skipping wedding-style gowns and cake cuttings as well.