Would you ever not go to a wedding out of principle?

Knottie1430025803

If your husband had a friend (you have never met) who was having a wedding and breaking pretty much every etiquette rule....would you still go? Would you go solely out of support for your husband or would it not bother you if this couple was thumbing their nose at etiquette?

kimmiinthemitten

I guess it would depend on what etiquette breeches they were making and my SO's relationship with the couple.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt so as long as my schedule allowed, maybe.  What have they done so far that's been rude?

lyndausvi

If my husband still wanted to go  I would still attend.  Actually not too long ago we did attend a cash bar wedding (first one ever) that a few other things.  But he worked for DH so we felt an obligation to go.  We made an appearance. gave a gift and then left early.

It would also depend on how far from etiquette they are too.    Cash? Not thrilled, but I would go (and have).   A potluck outside wedding in Texas in August with haybales has seats that is BYOB too?   Yeah, you will not be seeing me at that wedding.

AddieCake

I would still go unless it was like Lynda described or some sort of similar inconvenience. If there was a gap, I would only go to the ceremony, though.

Knottie1430025803

-His friend and his wife married overseas where they were stationed together. They are throwing a wedding and reception here even though they have already been married for 8 months. I believe this is what is called a PPD? -They put on the invite "Shit is getting real! Bob and Sally are getting married October --" -They registered for mostly 50$ gift cards. About ten 300$ items. Oh, they also have a honey fund. So essentially we either get them a 4.99 set of coasters, a 3.99$ ice tray or a 50$ giftcard. -they advertised said registry on the invites -cash bar -three hour gap between ceremony and reception. We have a one year old daughter and will have to drive 7hrs to go to this. I honestly don't want to go. It screams "everyone get drunk in my rustic themed wedding". BUT this is one of my husbands best friends and I feel like I'm being judgemental. should I just suck it up?

aurianna

Send your husband.
You can't find a sitter so you have to stay home with the baby.

lyndausvi

I'm one who does not give a shit what is on a registry.  Registries are just a guide anyway. Plus I do not even have to give a gift, let alone one off the registry.   When I hear people complain about contents of a registry I just think they are nitpicking.

Gap, 7 hours away, cash bar AND a PPD?   I'm not going to give it as much priority as other weddings.  However, if it's DH's BF I would most likely still go.  

Or I would have NO problem sending DH and using the kid as an excuse why I can't attend.

banana468

It would really depend on the rules that are being broken.

Knottie1430025803

aurianna said:

Send your husband.
You can't find a sitter so you have to stay home with the baby.

This is what I am leaning towards, lol. Trying "very hard" to find a sitter and telling DH a few days before RSVP time I couldnt find anyone, but he should go and enjoy himself. And he can buy them a gift or just give them cash. I just want validation from other people that I'm not being wrong in getting out of this. I think it's the Fact it's PPD that makes me just think, "it's not a real wedding then. I don't want to drive all that way with our daughter for a party where people are just going to get shit faced."

Jen4948

Let your husband go alone.

aurianna

Heh... well... I don't know if lying to your hubby is a good idea. Plus it could backfire on you "Oh, I just talked to my Great Aunt Sue! She'll watch her!"

You could be [somewhat] up front, "Hubby, that's an awfully long trip for our daughter, and frankly, for me as well. If my being there is incredibly important to you I'll go, but honestly I think I'd enjoy myself more staying home and getting xyz chores done. If you wanted to go on your own and have a guys' weekend, that's fine with me."

CMGragain

I would decline an invitation to a PPD.  I feel very strongly about the importance of marriage.

Knottie1430025803

Ok, thank you everyone. I will talk to him tonight and tell him I would rather stay home with DD while he goes to the wedding because of the long drive.

WinstonsGirl

Personally, gaps, cash bars are the norm where I live, so pretty much every wedding I've been to has been like that.  And I like cake and a good party, so I'd go for a local one.  But with the 7 hour drive, yeah, maybe not so much.  That's a long way to go for cake.  I can get some here at the grocery store for much less work.  

lyndausvi

Knottie1430025803 said:

aurianna said:

Send your husband.
You can't find a sitter so you have to stay home with the baby.

This is what I am leaning towards, lol. Trying "very hard" to find a sitter and telling DH a few days before RSVP time I couldnt find anyone, but he should go and enjoy himself. And he can buy them a gift or just give them cash. I just want validation from other people that I'm not being wrong in getting out of this. I think it's the Fact it's PPD that makes me just think, "it's not a real wedding then. I don't want to drive all that way with our daughter for a party where people are just going to get shit faced."

I guess I don't see why having a cash bar means everyone is going to get shitfaced? 

Of course, there are kegs at christening and 1st birthdays in my family so maybe I'm not the right one to comment.    FYI - we do not get shitfaced.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Knottie1430025803 said:

aurianna said:

Send your husband.
You can't find a sitter so you have to stay home with the baby.

This is what I am leaning towards, lol. Trying "very hard" to find a sitter and telling DH a few days before RSVP time I couldnt find anyone, but he should go and enjoy himself. And he can buy them a gift or just give them cash. I just want validation from other people that I'm not being wrong in getting out of this. I think it's the Fact it's PPD that makes me just think, "it's not a real wedding then. I don't want to drive all that way with our daughter for a party where people are just going to get shit faced."

You could just tell your husband the bolded as your reason for not going.

aurianna

Any chance they were rude enough to list you as an "and guest" too? Then he could just take a friend instead.

antibride2013

Yeah no I wouldn't go to this.  It isn't a real wedding anyway.  7 hours in a car with a baby, Nope.

Knottie1430025803

aurianna said:

Any chance they were rude enough to list you as an "and guest" too? Then he could just take a friend instead.

Yes, they actually did that as well, but for some reason I didn't notice at first. I was too busy looking at all the other faux pas.

Knottie1430025803

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

Knottie1430025803 said:

aurianna said:

Send your husband.
You can't find a sitter so you have to stay home with the baby.

This is what I am leaning towards, lol. Trying "very hard" to find a sitter and telling DH a few days before RSVP time I couldnt find anyone, but he should go and enjoy himself. And he can buy them a gift or just give them cash. I just want validation from other people that I'm not being wrong in getting out of this. I think it's the Fact it's PPD that makes me just think, "it's not a real wedding then. I don't want to drive all that way with our daughter for a party where people are just going to get shit faced."

You could just tell your husband the bolded as your reason for not going.

Tried that. I told him it's not really a wedding, and he didn't comprehend that/care. It's not a big deal to him if he attends a wedding and the couple is already married, or if he attends a wedding and they don't bother to actually make legal. he just shrugged his shoulders, replied that it doesn't matter but being there for his friend is important. So I'm going to go the 7hrs is too long for the baby to be in the car

JellyBean52513

Short answer to the question in your subject line: yes. And I have, twice. Both times involved my SO not being invited with me.

Long answer: The first time this happened, I figured it was because the bride was the aunt of my ex-boyfriend (I coached her daughter's cheerleading team and stayed semi-close with them, so I figured that's why I was invited to begin with). No big deal, I just declined and went about my life. The second time this happened several years later, my former boss threw a wedding fit for Etiquette Hell--sent STDs to ppl she had no intention of inviting, cash bar, never sent thank you's after her shower, made her BMs buy all matching everything, etc.-- but the biggest thing she did wrong was refuse to invite her guests' SOs, even spouses if she "couldn't stand them." My boyfriend was not invited, so I RSVP'ed no because I will not attend an event like a wedding that I'm invited to without him. It caused SUCH fucking drama at my job, because GOD FORBID someone from that place not drop to their knees and thank Her Royal Highness for even considering inviting them to her special day. I got treated like crap by her up until the day I left that job for RSVP'ing 'no' to her wedding, but I didn't care because there is no one on earth that is so important I would let them disrespect my relationship. Nope.

wmam35

I declined a wedding of one of my husband's "friends" out of principle (I put friends in quotes because they aren't friends anymore, and for the life of me I could never figure out why they were friends to begin with, there is a lot of drama surrounding this person), but not really because of etiquette. I declined to go mostly because I didn't want to sit at a wedding and pretend to celebrate a person that I do not care for and have made it known that I don't care for them. I felt it would have been very phony, so my husband went without me.

Incidentally, the wedding was full of etiquette mistakes anyway, and it was a mess.

redwoodoriginal

I declined a coworker's wedding bc I was:
1. B-listed and lied to about the reason why.
2. Invited without my H.
3. There was a gap.

No thank you.

aurianna

Knottie1430025803 said:

aurianna said:

Any chance they were rude enough to list you as an "and guest" too? Then he could just take a friend instead.

Yes, they actually did that as well, but for some reason I didn't notice at first. I was too busy looking at all the other faux pas.

Your husband really could go with anyone he wants then. Now, if the person he really wants to go with is you, then you have to decide if it's a hill you want to die on. But if he happens to have another friend that wants to do a road trip with him, totally his option.

And omg. You were an "and guest." That is just so crazy rude. "This person is important enough to invite to my wedding (and maybe give me a gift) but I'm not sure if he's important enough to learn his SO's name....."

MairePoppy

1. It's a PPD, but it they're not trying to fool anyone, right? So it's really a vow renewal. As long as they're being truthful about it, I'd cut them some slack. 

2. The gap - skip the vow renewal - that solves that problem. You'd have a more leisurely drive. 

3. I'd ignore the registries and give them a cash gift, probably not as much as I would have given if I was invited to the actual wedding.

4. Cake.

If it was really important to my husband to attend his friend's event, I would make an effort to go with him. I wouldn't use the 'couldn't find a sitter' trick. 

MobKaz

......And guest?? You're married! The least they could have done was written "and Mrs. XXX or even "and wife". I would not be caught dead at this wedding.

MairePoppy

I missed the 'and guest' part. That's insulting.

jacques27

Knottie1430025803 said:

-His friend and his wife married overseas where they were stationed together. They are throwing a wedding and reception here even though they have already been married for 8 months. I believe this is what is called a PPD? -They put on the invite "Shit is getting real! Bob and Sally are getting married October --" -They registered for mostly 50$ gift cards. About ten 300$ items. Oh, they also have a honey fund. So essentially we either get them a 4.99 set of coasters, a 3.99$ ice tray or a 50$ giftcard. -they advertised said registry on the invites -cash bar -three hour gap between ceremony and reception. We have a one year old daughter and will have to drive 7hrs to go to this. I honestly don't want to go. It screams "everyone get drunk in my rustic themed wedding". BUT this is one of my husbands best friends and I feel like I'm being judgemental. should I just suck it up?

The highlighted is actually enough for me to say no to this in your situation (now if it were my own best friend and not having a one year old at home myself, the answer may be different).

I think the "shit getting real" thing is just borderline disrespectful.  I get it - someone did it once to be cutesy, it ended up on social media, and it went viral and became a "thing".  I personally don't think it's funny - I think it implies that relationships aren't "real" unless it results in marriage.  And when you're married already like this couple, then I really have to wonder just what hell they were doing the last eight months if that wasn't "real" and even if they aren't saying it directly it strongly implies to me that they value the froofy wedding more than the marriage, especially since they specifically state "getting married" instead of "celebrating their marriage" or "renewing their vows."  I just don't go out of my way for people with that attitude and driving long distance (with a small child, no less) would definitely be out of my way.

MGP

jacques27 said:

Knottie1430025803 said:

-His friend and his wife married overseas where they were stationed together. They are throwing a wedding and reception here even though they have already been married for 8 months. I believe this is what is called a PPD?
-They put on the invite "Shit is getting real! Bob and Sally are getting married October --"
-They registered for mostly 50$ gift cards. About ten 300$ items. Oh, they also have a honey fund. So essentially we either get them a 4.99 set of coasters, a 3.99$ ice tray or a 50$ giftcard.
-they advertised said registry on the invites
-cash bar
-three hour gap between ceremony and reception.

We have a one year old daughter and will have to drive 7hrs to go to this. I honestly don't want to go. It screams "everyone get drunk in my rustic themed wedding". BUT this is one of my husbands best friends and I feel like I'm being judgemental. should I just suck it up?

The highlighted is actually enough for me to say no to this in your situation (now if it were my own best friend and not having a one year old at home myself, the answer may be different).

I think the "shit getting real" thing is just borderline disrespectful.  I get it - someone did it once to be cutesy, it ended up on social media, and it went viral and became a "thing".  I personally don't think it's funny - I think it implies that relationships aren't "real" unless it results in marriage.  And when you're married already like this couple, then I really have to wonder just what hell they were doing the last eight months if that wasn't "real" and even if they aren't saying it directly it strongly implies to me that they value the froofy wedding more than the marriage, especially since they specifically state "getting married" instead of "celebrating their marriage" or "renewing their vows."  I just don't go out of my way for people with that attitude and driving long distance (with a small child, no less) would definitely be out of my way.

---- boxes?

All of this. Shit has been real. For eight months actually. These people have chosen not to acknowledge it.

And the invitation actually says that? And you were invited as "and guest" and not by name? And a PPD? And asking for cash in multiple forms? And a cash bar? And a gap? Skip this hillbilly trash debacle and stay home with your baby. Let your husband fend for himself in this shitstorm.

mrsdee15

MGP said:

Knottie1430025803 said:

-His friend and his wife married overseas where they were stationed together. They are throwing a wedding and reception here even though they have already been married for 8 months. I believe this is what is called a PPD? -They put on the invite "Shit is getting real! Bob and Sally are getting married October --" -They registered for mostly 50$ gift cards. About ten 300$ items. Oh, they also have a honey fund. So essentially we either get them a 4.99 set of coasters, a 3.99$ ice tray or a 50$ giftcard. -they advertised said registry on the invites -cash bar -three hour gap between ceremony and reception. We have a one year old daughter and will have to drive 7hrs to go to this. I honestly don't want to go. It screams "everyone get drunk in my rustic themed wedding". BUT this is one of my husbands best friends and I feel like I'm being judgemental. should I just suck it up?

The highlighted is actually enough for me to say no to this in your situation (now if it were my own best friend and not having a one year old at home myself, the answer may be different).

I think the "shit getting real" thing is just borderline disrespectful.  I get it - someone did it once to be cutesy, it ended up on social media, and it went viral and became a "thing".  I personally don't think it's funny - I think it implies that relationships aren't "real" unless it results in marriage.  And when you're married already like this couple, then I really have to wonder just what hell they were doing the last eight months if that wasn't "real" and even if they aren't saying it directly it strongly implies to me that they value the froofy wedding more than the marriage, especially since they specifically state "getting married" instead of "celebrating their marriage" or "renewing their vows."  I just don't go out of my way for people with that attitude and driving long distance (with a small child, no less) would definitely be out of my way.

---- boxes? All of this. Shit has been real. For eight months actually. These people have chosen not to acknowledge it. And the invitation actually says that? And you were invited as "and guest" and not by name? And a PPD? And asking for cash in multiple forms? And a cash bar? And a gap? Skip this hillbilly trash debacle and stay home with your baby. Let your husband fend for himself in this shitstorm.

--At some point there were boxes--

I'd decline based on all this, newp.  

Jen4948

Knottie1430025803 said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

Knottie1430025803 said:

aurianna said:

Send your husband.
You can't find a sitter so you have to stay home with the baby.

This is what I am leaning towards, lol. Trying "very hard" to find a sitter and telling DH a few days before RSVP time I couldnt find anyone, but he should go and enjoy himself. And he can buy them a gift or just give them cash. I just want validation from other people that I'm not being wrong in getting out of this.

I think it's the Fact it's PPD that makes me just think, "it's not a real wedding then. I don't want to drive all that way with our daughter for a party where people are just going to get shit faced."

You could just tell your husband the bolded as your reason for not going.





Tried that. I told him it's not really a wedding, and he didn't comprehend that/care. It's not a big deal to him if he attends a wedding and the couple is already married, or if he attends a wedding and they don't bother to actually make legal. he just shrugged his shoulders, replied that it doesn't matter but being there for his friend is important.

So I'm going to go the 7hrs is too long for the baby to be in the car

Get sick the day of the wedding trainwreck. Just the thought of all the etiquette errors in this wedding ought to accomplish that for you.