And So My RSVP Hell Begins

[Deleted User]

Just a mini vent.

We mailed our invites on Saturday. Today is Thursday.

My mom's SIL (my aunt Deb) asked my mom's sister (my aunt Di) why her (adult) son (who lives in his own house) didn't get an invite. (Meddle much?!)

And instead of Aunt Di telling Aunt Deb to contact me, she says, "they may not have been able to afford to invite him." WTF WTF WTFFFFFF.

NO! First of all, we planned and budgeted for everyone we invited to attend. Second, you do not answer questions you have zero business answering!

I contacted my cousin; he did in fact receive his invite.

Can I just get married already? I need. a. drink.

Anyone else out there have a friend or family member answer a question they shouldn't have?

ETF: typos

WinstonsGirl

Ahh, but now you also get the fun part of running to check the mailbox everyday to see if you have more fun mail!!  I loved getting RSVP's back in the mailbox

[Deleted User]

Oh it was very exciting- we got our first 5 today; all yeses. I did get a decline via FB today though. Ironically the brother of my cousin mebtioned in this post!

lyndausvi

Meh, Families talk about shit like that. Lord knows my family does.   

I thought Aunt Di's answer to be fine.   I would have said something like "well maybe it just hasn't arrived yet"  or "well couples have to make cuts somewhere".  I would not suggest someone contacting the couple fishing for an invite.  

I sent 5 invites to the same house on the same day.  2 arrived right away.  the 3rd a few days later.  The last 2 a full 2 weeks later.     Got to love the USPS.

[Deleted User]

I get what you're saying Lynda because fishing for an invite is rude. I just know that Aunt Deb can be a shit stirrer if she feels she or her family have been slighted. And to be honest, she was fishing. She knew my aunt would ask my mom who would ask me- ha ha! And it worked perfectly.

My cousin's fiance can be the same way with inagined / perceived slights... That's all I needed was for that to get out of hand. They are the type who won't believe that mail was delayed or lost. It will be- you didn't send it and only B-listed us after we were upset- until one or both of them die. Every family funation would be crap for the next 30 years or more.

I just asked Aunt Di to have people contact me about wedding questions.

[Deleted User]

FI and I were initially not going to invite any children to our wedding. We were just going to put the parents' names on the invites and then clear up any confusion if they rsvp'd for their child. 

FI shared this with his mom (mistake!). 

3 months before we were even planning to send invites, FMIL contacts each family on their side that has small children and asks them if they planned on bringing little Johnny and little Susie to the wedding. 

I then get an email from her saying that the Smith's and the Jones' planned on bringing their children, so we need to invite them. 

Ummmm. No. That's not how that works. 

ShesSoCold

FeeleyToBe said:

Just a mini vent. We mailed our invites on Saturday. Today is Thursday. My mom's SIL (my aunt Deb) asked my mom's sister (my aunt Di) why her (adult) son (who lives in his own house) didn't get an invite. (Meddle much?!) And instead of Aunt Di telling Aunt Deb to contact me, she says, "they may not have been able to afford to invite him." WTF WTF WTFFFFFF. NO! First of all, we planned and budgeted for everyone we invited to attend. Second, you do not answer questions you have zero business answering! I contacted my cousin; he did in fact receive his invite. Can I just get married already? I need. a. drink. Anyone else out there have a friend or family member answer a question they shouldn't have? ETF: typos

My aunt, who lives across the country, called our pretty distant cousins to see if they wanted to rent a condo together for my wedding. These cousins weren't invited. These cousins are bat shit crazy rednecks who insist on making ever. single. thing. about them. Always. They've always been completely nuts but something horrible happened to them a few years ago and they can't move on. So now everything not only has to be about them, but about the murders. Especially weddings. Hell no. Fuck that. 

Anyway, the cousins called my dad to bitch that they hadn't gotten a STD. Luckily my dad is god at defusing them. 

They're still salty about not being invited and make little comments about it. Oh well.

novella1186

I had MIL text me a month or two before the wedding with, 

"Hey I just got off the phone with cousin J. He said he and his wife and their kid want to come to the wedding, so send them an invite!" 

In my head I was like ARRRRGGHHH!!! THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF HOW GUEST LISTS WORK! (I mean this was in the midst of battling my psycho dad who wanted to add literally 60 people to my guest list and wouldn't give it up, so I was at the peak of frustration already) 

And then I had my aunt going behind my back to my mom asking if so-and-so was invited, and then thinking I was an awful person when she found out they weren't invited (for example, my dad's friend's wife's sister who babysat me once when I was little, who I haven't seen or spoken to in about 20 years). My aunt to my mom: "Wow, how could Novella not invite her? That's hurtful. She's going to be upset. Well did Novella invite this other random person? Oh she didn't? Wow... that's harsh." 

ohmrs2014

We never received phone calls, but we did have someone who apparently couldn't go and passed the invite to her son and his FI.  Needless to say when I received the RSVP and saw names I didn't recognize, we went through hell trying to find out who it was.  Luckily I did a little FB search and found his FI and knew instantly who they were.

DHs mom took care of it and explained thats not how this works.  And the invite was for her only as she wasn't dating anyone and the RSVP came back with two people.

ShesSoCold

novella1186 said:

I had MIL text me a month or two before the wedding with, 

"Hey I just got off the phone with cousin J. He said he and his wife and their kid want to come to the wedding, so send them an invite!" 

In my head I was like ARRRRGGHHH!!! THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF HOW GUEST LISTS WORK! (I mean this was in the midst of battling my psycho dad who wanted to add literally 60 people to my guest list and wouldn't give it up, so I was at the peak of frustration already) 

And then I had my aunt going behind my back to my mom asking if so-and-so was invited, and then thinking I was an awful person when she found out they weren't invited (for example, my dad's friend's wife's sister who babysat me once when I was little, who I haven't seen or spoken to in about 20 years). My aunt to my mom: "Wow, how could Novella not invite her? That's hurtful. She's going to be upset. Well did Novella invite this other random person? Oh she didn't? Wow... that's harsh." 

To the bolded, my MIL literally used the words, "people who shaped who he is as man" when referring to her friends who he hadn't seen or spoken to in 20 years. But they did babysit him once or twice. Clearly crucial in his life.

loveislouder

ohmrs2014 said:

We never received phone calls, but we did have someone who apparently couldn't go and passed the invite to her son and his FI.  Needless to say when I received the RSVP and saw names I didn't recognize, we went through hell trying to find out who it was.  Luckily I did a little FB search and found his FI and knew instantly who they were.

DHs mom took care of it and explained thats not how this works.  And the invite was for her only as she wasn't dating anyone and the RSVP came back with two people.

My MIL's best friend did that to us - they couldn't come but they RSVP'd yes and sent their daughter and her FI in their place. (She told MIL, but MIL "forgot" to pass that info along)  Why, you ask? Because daughter and FI hadn't been to a wedding in a while and wanted to see what other people are doing before they finish planning their own. 

lyndausvi

FeeleyToBe said:

I get what you're saying Lynda because fishing for an invite is rude. I just know that Aunt Deb can be a shit stirrer if she feels she or her family have been slighted. And to be honest, she was fishing. She knew my aunt would ask my mom who would ask me- ha ha! And it worked perfectly. My cousin's fiance can be the same way with inagined / perceived slights... That's all I needed was for that to get out of hand. They are the type who won't believe that mail was delayed or lost. It will be- you didn't send it and only B-listed us after we were upset- until one or both of them die. Every family funation would be crap for the next 30 years or more. I just asked Aunt Di to have people contact me about wedding questions.

Meh, I still think you are looking for trouble that isn't really there.

Aunt Deb is a shit stirrer.  It's nothing new and should be expected.    And like it or not close family members talk.  They just do. Every day a shit ton of people call my MIL to talk.  She is the one who spreads the word.  In my MILs case she doesn't have to call anyone.  They call her.   She is the one who people bounce questions off of.  She is the one in the know.   When my invites dropped everyone in her family contacted her.  It is what it is. 

On my side it's my Aunt G. I specifically told Aunt G about no kids other than my nieces and nephews so when she saw my cousin (not her child) it would get back to him.   I also told her about DH not wearing a tux or suit.  Why? So when the next family function popped up and my wedding came up, and trust me it would be brought up.   She could pass the word along.

I'm not generally a busy body, but yeah even I would question if my child would be invited to a family wedding.  I think it's a natural question.

anjemon

ohmrs2014 said:

We never received phone calls, but we did have someone who apparently couldn't go and passed the invite to her son and his FI.  Needless to say when I received the RSVP and saw names I didn't recognize, we went through hell trying to find out who it was.  Luckily I did a little FB search and found his FI and knew instantly who they were.

DHs mom took care of it and explained thats not how this works.  And the invite was for her only as she wasn't dating anyone and the RSVP came back with two people.

We had one of these too. A friend of H's from college - his wife couldn't come (or wouldn't, new baby) so he RSVP'd for him and his cousin instead. I just let it slide because I wanted him to be able to come.

But I've just realized he brought his daughter and I'm not sure she was on the RSVP. Not a problem because she's a toddler and we had some no-shows (and a few extra meals). But I'm wondering if this was an issue that I just didn't hear about. Or if nobody noticed because she just needed a high chair. Hm...

julieanne912

So far I've only had one minor annoyance... We invited a friend of FI's and her husband, I've never met either of them even though they are local (FI told me the husband doesn't like him very much, FI was friends w/ the wife before they got together).  They have a kid around 2 but the kid wasn't invited since neither of us have met the kid and they are local so a sitter isn't as much of an issue as it is for an out of towner.  She RSVP'd back with her, her kid, and some random friend since her husband can't come.  We have the room to accommodate due to some other declines, but c'mon.

I guess the other totally non-reasonable annoyance is that we invited 198 people and so far only have heard back from about 1/4 of them.   There's still 2 more weeks to go before the deadline but still.  I always respond right away so it bugs me that other people don't either LOL

And, because I'm trying to be positive this month despite the stress, my oldest friend from childhood RSVP'd that she's coming.  So yay!!  I wasn't sure she could because her finances are tight and she just started a new job.  

NowIamMrsKlein

We keep having people direct their questions to my MIL than to us. Its super annoying. My MIL and FIL are not involved in the wedding planning process at all as per their request. They simply want to be able to enjoy the day, yet apparently aunts/uncles/friends of the family seem to think that they are the ones planning the whole thing and direct any and all questions to them. To the point where people were phoning them to RSVP instead of you know, using the RSVP card or calling us directly.....

My FI had left a message on his aunts machine asking her to call him (he was wanting to ask her to do a reading). Instead of phoning him back, she phoned his mom and asked her why we were calling her about wedding stuff. Like FI's mother would know why we had called her.

Its seriously the most bizarre thing ever and I am having a hard time letting it go haha. 

wandajune6

We didn't have any problems like what you described but 1/3rd of the invited guests didn't RSVP. We ended up calling/texting/Facebook-ing, etc. to find out. Once we tracked that down, 14 were no-shows.

MIL apparently caused lots of drama with BIL/SIL's wedding a few years before ours. She was just getting reconciled with DH so she stayed completely out of the wedding-- I think she was just thrilled that she was invited.

princessleia22

Out of my 6 sets of aunts/uncles, only one RSVP'ed to us. The rest called my parents to let them know they couldn't attend.  Nobody called or contacted us directly.  They all had the stamped/addressed RSVP cards that I handmade... or they all had my phone number, e-mail, and I'm facebook friends with most of them. They had plenty of opportunity to contact me directly. And my parents weren't involved in my wedding planning at all, so they were often calling me with questions from the rest of the family and relaying info back and forth.

kvruns

reading these posts makes me glad we didn't have any weird RSVP things.  No one tried to bring any uninvited people or giving invites to others as replacements (though to be honest if someone's SO wasn't available and they wanted to bring a friend vs coming alone I would have been ok - mostly because I wouldn't have even known until they actually arrived that day).

redheadbride15

Apparently my stepmother told her sister over the phone that her son, as well as his new girlfriend and her two teenage kids were "certainly invited!" to our wedding. I only learned this when I got the RSVP from my step-aunt as "Auntie plus THREE" and was very confused. For context, I barely know my step-aunt and I've only met her son once, but he's a bit strange and has a long history of failed relationships. They all live on the other side of the country. I included step-aunt in my guest list because my she has advanced stage cancer and I knew it would be important for my stepmother and my other step-aunt (who lives locally and I'm very close with) to have time together during this difficult time. These circumstances made me feel nice so in the end I invited everyone. This step-cousin and GF then broke up two weeks after the wedding.

The ex-GF and her kids are really photogenic and so of course our photographers got TONS of photos of them. It's kind of annoying to go through the photos and see so many pictures dedicated to the only 3 people at my wedding who are complete strangers and I will never see again.

[Deleted User]

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

We keep having people direct their questions to my MIL than to us. Its super annoying. My MIL and FIL are not involved in the wedding planning process at all as per their request. They simply want to be able to enjoy the day, yet apparently aunts/uncles/friends of the family seem to think that they are the ones planning the whole thing and direct any and all questions to them. To the point where people were phoning them to RSVP instead of you know, using the RSVP card or calling us directly.....

My FI had left a message on his aunts machine asking her to call him (he was wanting to ask her to do a reading). Instead of phoning him back, she phoned his mom and asked her why we were calling her about wedding stuff. Like FI's mother would know why we had called her.

Its seriously the most bizarre thing ever and I am having a hard time letting it go haha. 

This is kind of my beef with my situation.  We are planning / hosting / paying for the wedding.  Why would you give people the answers to questions you don't actually know the answers to?  And, why would you ask the question to an outside party when it takes 5 seconds to IM me on Facebook?

[Deleted User]

princessleia22 said:

Out of my 6 sets of aunts/uncles, only one RSVP'ed to us. The rest called my parents to let them know they couldn't attend.  Nobody called or contacted us directly.  They all had the stamped/addressed RSVP cards that I handmade... or they all had my phone number, e-mail, and I'm facebook friends with most of them. They had plenty of opportunity to contact me directly. And my parents weren't involved in my wedding planning at all, so they were often calling me with questions from the rest of the family and relaying info back and forth.
*** Pretend there's a box here ***
This is when you don't answer and tell your parents that they will have to call you.

Messages get lost in translation.  This is why I asked my aunt not to answer any other questions- unless, you know, someone was asking her for a ride.  LOL!

NowIamMrsKlein

FeeleyToBe said:

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

We keep having people direct their questions to my MIL than to us. Its super annoying. My MIL and FIL are not involved in the wedding planning process at all as per their request. They simply want to be able to enjoy the day, yet apparently aunts/uncles/friends of the family seem to think that they are the ones planning the whole thing and direct any and all questions to them. To the point where people were phoning them to RSVP instead of you know, using the RSVP card or calling us directly.....

My FI had left a message on his aunts machine asking her to call him (he was wanting to ask her to do a reading). Instead of phoning him back, she phoned his mom and asked her why we were calling her about wedding stuff. Like FI's mother would know why we had called her.

Its seriously the most bizarre thing ever and I am having a hard time letting it go haha. 

This is kind of my beef with my situation.  We are planning / hosting / paying for the wedding.  Why would you give people the answers to questions you don't actually know the answers to?  And, why would you ask the question to an outside party when it takes 5 seconds to IM me on Facebook?

Exactly!! I'm planning/hosting and PAYING for the entire event so it bothers me when people assume that someone else is involved.  They're all very 'traditional' old farmers so I think a lot of assumptions are being made. And it just adds an added level of confusion because they phone the MIL with a question, the MIL phones us with the same question, and then the MIL demands that she be the person to call them back with the answer. I swear misinformation is going to be rampant.

[Deleted User]

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

FeeleyToBe said:

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

We keep having people direct their questions to my MIL than to us. Its super annoying. My MIL and FIL are not involved in the wedding planning process at all as per their request. They simply want to be able to enjoy the day, yet apparently aunts/uncles/friends of the family seem to think that they are the ones planning the whole thing and direct any and all questions to them. To the point where people were phoning them to RSVP instead of you know, using the RSVP card or calling us directly.....

My FI had left a message on his aunts machine asking her to call him (he was wanting to ask her to do a reading). Instead of phoning him back, she phoned his mom and asked her why we were calling her about wedding stuff. Like FI's mother would know why we had called her.

Its seriously the most bizarre thing ever and I am having a hard time letting it go haha. 

This is kind of my beef with my situation.  We are planning / hosting / paying for the wedding.  Why would you give people the answers to questions you don't actually know the answers to?  And, why would you ask the question to an outside party when it takes 5 seconds to IM me on Facebook?

Exactly!! I'm planning/hosting and PAYING for the entire event so it bothers me when people assume that someone else is involved.  They're all very 'traditional' old farmers so I think a lot of assumptions are being made. And it just adds an added level of confusion because they phone the MIL with a question, the MIL phones us with the same question, and then the MIL demands that she be the person to call them back with the answer. I swear misinformation is going to be rampant.

*** damn boxes ***

This.  This is what I'm worried about.  Things getting misinterpreted b/c we're playing telephone instead of going to the source.  And with this aunt, there's major grudge factor possibilities.  Most of my family is not like that; but she is so I'm trying to prevent that. 

And honestly, I would "die on that hill" about being the one to answer questions, until / unless the point comes where I say, check with so-and-so, or ask so-and-so.

thefanciestbeckler

I have a cousin who is getting married 3 weeks after me. Her mother is CONSTANTLY asking questions about how much we are paying for things, etc.

I've also had a couple of people (who are barely acquaintances and are not on the guest list) straight up ask for an invitation.

Anything else hasn't been too major (yet!!). Mostly random extended family I've never met before such as my mom's 2nd cousins, etc. hinting around at getting invited.

It is unreal to me how planning a wedding makes people think they should have access to all parts of your life, including money!

mrscomposer

The only thing about RSVPs we had was people calling to make sure their kids were invited - when their kids were listed on the invite.  Thanks for double checking, moms!

In the days leading up to my sister's wedding, my grandma asked me something about it.  I told her I had no idea, and to ask C.  She said that she didn't want to bother the bride before the wedding.  Well shit, Nana - the bride's the one who knows everything, and it's not the wedding day.  I'm pretty sure it's okay to ask her.