How can I modify who "Gives me away"? Dad vs. Step-Dad

Knottie1437521405

My mother has been remarried since I was 11 to my step-dad. My step-dad and I didn't have a great relationship growing up, but now that I am older, we are in a much better place and I see him pretty often. My biological father and I are BEST FRIENDS even though he lives 2000 miles away and I only actually see him about once a year. The issue is, my real father doesn't have a lot of money so he is unable to help pay for our wedding, and my step-dad is paying a lot toward our big day (We are still paying for most of it, however). My real dad is super excited to walk me down the aisle, and I really want him to as I have been waiting for that moment my whole life. But I genuinely feel bad not having my step-dad being involved, because he is paying so much. I was thinking that maybe my dad could walk me down the aisle and then my step-dad could stand up there with us when he actually gives me away... but I'm not sure how to go about it. HELP!!!!

lyndausvi

Well I think the whole notion of "giving away the bride" to be archaic.    So there's that.

Can you have them both ESCORT you down the aisle?  Can one escort you and the other do a special dance?   

Jen4948

Don't make your choice by who can contribute more money to your wedding.

Just ask whoever you really want to walk you. As for "giving away," you aren't property. You can be "presented" by your whole family.

CMGragain

I have seen the escort done where the bio-Dad starts down the aisle with the bride, and then hands her to the step-dad halfway down, and step-dad finishes the walk.
If you must have someone "give you away", the phrase to use would be "Her family does", which can be spoken by anyone.  How about your mother?

snowywinter

I would have both escort you down the aisle. While I get what you're saying about feeling bad that step-dad is paying so much for your wedding, don't let that cloud your opinion of your bio dad's role. Take money out of it and ask yourself who is the real father-figure to you. If they both are, then have both escort you down the aisle.

As for the "give you away" part, if that's important to you, that's fine, but personally, that isn't even going to be asked in my ceremony. My dad will walk me down the aisle and that's it as far as that's concerned. No one is "giving me away."

WinstonsGirl

Don't worry about who is paying what.  Who do you want to walk you down the aisle??  1 Dad, both, Mom, Mom and Dad, no one?  It's your choice. 

My SIL has her bio-Dad and step-Dad.  Parent divorced when she was about 5 or so.  She is very close with both and they both walked her, one on each arm.  She's also lucky in that they do both get along with each other, so there was no issue there.  

princessleia22

Don't let money affect your judgement.  I think you should have bio-dad walk you, since that seems to be what you really want.  If you want to honor step-dad, maybe do 2 father-daughter dances (one with each) at reception?  Both you and bio-dad have dreamed of this moment and step-dad will totally understand... and he may not want to take away from that moment either, even if offered.  Or at my wedding, my dad walked me down the aisle, then we had officiant ask "who supports this marriage?" and all our parents (moms & dads) stood and said "we do"... something like that may be an option for you to include step-dad, and moms, in the ceremony. We chose that option because dad "giving me away" didn't seem right (I was 34 and had lived 2000 miles away from him for over 10 years) and we really wanted to include all our parents, since they all helped shape us.

ShesSoCold

I agree with PPs. Take the money out of this and do what you want.

I had my dad walk me down the aisle and sat down with my stepdad to tell him how I appreciated him and blah blah blah. It was easier for my stepdad to accept not walking me down the aisle that it would have been for my dad to accept it if they both did.

Knottie1437521405

Thank you everyone for your input! This has really helped me out! 

You are all amazing!

HeatherKat

This may or may not be an option for you, but I went to a wedding this weekend where bio-dad (and mom) walked the bride down the aisle, and step dad performed the ceremony.

MairePoppy

Would your Step Dad read a blessing?

Pupatella

Another vote for having them both walk you down the aisle.  I think this would be awesome, and they are both very important to you.

huskypuppy14

How come no one ever says "my mom is paying/doing a lot for the wedding, so I want her to walk me down the aisle"? Nope, it always has to be a parent/family member with a penis. 

Do what you want, and leave who is paying out of it. This is one of those situations where who pays does not get a say.

[Deleted User]

princessleia22 said:

Don't let money affect your judgement.  I think you should have bio-dad walk you, since that seems to be what you really want.  If you want to honor step-dad, maybe do 2 father-daughter dances (one with each) at reception?  Both you and bio-dad have dreamed of this moment and step-dad will totally understand... and he may not want to take away from that moment either, even if offered.  Or at my wedding, my dad walked me down the aisle, then we had officiant ask "who supports this marriage?" and all our parents (moms & dads) stood and said "we do"... something like that may be an option for you to include step-dad, and moms, in the ceremony. We chose that option because dad "giving me away" didn't seem right (I was 34 and had lived 2000 miles away from him for over 10 years) and we really wanted to include all our parents, since they all helped shape us.

 

I LOVE this idea!!! Because it allows your dad to live out something he's probably been dreaming of his whole life which is walking you down the isle. But by asking "who supports this marriage" it allows your dad, stepdad and mom,and even your FI to all respond. So a great way to include your future in laws too. And I like the idea too of having a special dance with stepdad. Because even though you may have not had the best relationship growing up with him, I'm guessing he was there for you and your mom while you were growing up. Having a special dance with him would be a great way to recognize him for that.

spockforprez

A friend who had a close relationship with her bio-dad and step-dad had a great solution for this. Her step-dad came down with her in the carriage from the house and helped her out of the carriage, then handed her to her dad, who walked her down the aisle. 

Obviously if you have a traditional church setup with coming in through the doors, this won't work, but in a lot of other venues, it would. Have your dad stand at the front of the aisle (where the last row of guest chairs is) and have your step-dad walk you up to that point, then do the handoff.

Knottie1437445399

I faced this 22 years ago at my first wedding.  My mom, dad and step-dad have a very nice relationship.  I was torn between who to ask as they were both very significant for different reasons and I didn't feel it was fair to choose one over the other.  I finally asked them both if they would be willing to share the honor and both walk me down.  They were both completely agreeable and it was actually very nice.  I was very happy I chose them both.  And I danced with both of them during the father/daughter dance. 

However, everyone's relationship with a SP is different and it really comes down to personal preference.

YogaSandy

huskypuppy14 said:

How come no one ever says "my mom is paying/doing a lot for the wedding, so I want her to walk me down the aisle"? Nope, it always has to be a parent/family member with a penis. 

Do what you want, and leave who is paying out of it. This is one of those situations where who pays does not get a say.

Both my parents did. They both walked me down the aisle, and when the pastor asked, "who brings this woman forth to marriage?" (Or something similar since I'm not property and stated that to him as soon as we were planning the ceremony) my mother said, "we do," because if my dad said it, he would have cried.