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Surprise shower had guest not invited to wedding

lembasloverlembaslover member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So yesterday I was told I was meeting a couple of people for breakfast and when I did it turned out to be a surprise shower. If you see one of my other posts I did know it was going to be a shower (my FI spilled the secret) but all I really knew was where it was and what time to be there. I was really surprised at how many people showed up because I thought it'd just be like 5 family members showing up for brunch and it ended up being more like 12. One of the people in attendance was my aunt who is not invited to the wedding. I have another old post about why she's not, long story short she's married to my uncle who has been awful and hurt my grandma and is just a bad person. I know that people not invited to the wedding are not supposed to be invited to pre-wedding events so now I'm wondering what to do. She did give me a gift and I'm wondering do I have to invite her now? Do I send her the gift back and say I'm sorry there was a misunderstanding and I appreciate the thought but I can't accept it? Do I just write a thank you note and still not invite her? 
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Re: Surprise shower had guest not invited to wedding

  • aliwis000aliwis000 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    AddieCake said:
    No, you do not. It's not your fault this happened behind your back. Yet another reason I hate surprise showers. Just write a thank you and not invite her.
    This. It is not your mess to clean up.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    since you had nothing to do with the guest list, this is not your fault and not your problem. Write her a nice TY note for the gift and then carry on. No need to invite her. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    You don't need to invite her to the wedding.  You didn't have any control over the shower guest list-the hostess of the shower is the one at fault.  Just write a gracious thank you note for the gift.
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    Agree with the above. Thank you note for the gift. You are not required to invite her to the wedding because you had no control in the guest list. If there are any questions, it is up to the shower host to deal with that.
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  • lembasloverlembaslover member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Thank you all, that is good news. Part of me is concerned this was my mom's way of trying to get me to invite her. I'm glad to know that it's still ok etiquette wise to just send a thank you note and no invitation. 
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    engagedhamstermom said:
    Thank you all, that is good news. Part of me is concerned this was my mom's way of trying to get me to invite her. I'm glad to know that it's still ok etiquette wise to just send a thank you note and no invitation. 
    If your mom was responsible for the guest list, and knew of your feelings toward your aunt, then she will learn valuable lessons.  Your mom will learn that actions have consequences.  She will learn that you are an independent thinking adult.  She will learn that manipulation will backfire on her. 

    Hopefully, it will put an end to her insistence regarding the invitation.  If you have not yet sent out invitations, you might want to hold off on sending one to your mom.  We have had posters discover that family members will actually photocopy invitations to send to guests not included by the bride and groom.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    engagedhamstermom said:

    Thank you all, that is good news. Part of me is concerned this was my mom's way of trying to get me to invite her. I'm glad to know that it's still ok etiquette wise to just send a thank you note and no invitation. 

    Is your mom paying for the wedding? Bc of she is, as this it's her intention by inviting the aunt to a surprise shower (yuck) then you may have a problem.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • lembasloverlembaslover member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    She and my dad have given us some money but they knew that I was not inviting this aunt when they did so. If it comes to the point where she insists she's invited because of that then I will give back the money so she can't use that excuse. We can afford the wedding without it but when they wanted to contribute I accepted because it would help us out. I was pretty clear from the start of my intentions to not invite them and if she wants to add 2 random ppl besides this aunt and uncle fine she can feel free to.
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  • TheCheeseWenchTheCheeseWench member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Yes, only people invited to the wedding are SUPPOSED to be invited to showers, which is why people ASK the freaking bride for a guest list. I would say that since your FI knew about it in advance he could have been consulted on the guest list, but it sounds as though your mother already knew she was a no no. I smell passive aggressive BS. This is your Mother's doing, so the lack of proper etiquette is on her. Write the TY and keep your guest list. My only concern would be that now your aunt may ASSUME she is invited. She wouldn't just show up even though she hasn't received an invite would she? Would your Mother verbally invite her? I think you might want to talk to your mother about it and reiterate your position just in case. Wedding day "surprises" suck.
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  • lembasloverlembaslover member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    @TheCheeseWench I honestly don't think my aunt can afford to just show up but she's going to know when and where the wedding is if she doesn't already because that news will spread so it is possible she and my uncle will just show up... Even if I chose to forget all the terrible things they have done to my grandma like the rest of my family appears to have done their finances is another reason I did not want to invite them. They are known mooches who will do things like say lets go to such and such a place for dinner and they'll order the most expensive thing on the menu and when the check comes they don't have their wallets. At this point they've done it enough that no one should be surprised. I don't want them pressuring my family to cover their expenses for their meals outside of the reception, hotel, etc...

    I have been clear with my mom again that she is not invited and I do have a day of coordinator with the venue so I do plan on letting him know that they might try to crash and that they are to be turned away. Is this enough or should I give my aunt and uncle a call and warn them that if they do show up they will be turned away? I am hoping venue security is enough because that'd be one awkward phone call though it'd be much less awkward as a phone call then them actually being turned away. 
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  • TheCheeseWenchTheCheeseWench member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Yikes @engagedhamstermom , I don't know about the call. Yes having them show up would suck, but making that call would too. I think your mother should get to do it since she made the mess in the first place. Sorry you have to deal with family drama. Fortunately none of my unwanted relatives would crash (especially since it's a DW).
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