Mother being a bit pushy...

Knottie1439161580

I'm 281 days away from my wedding and my mother is already being more of a bridezilla than I ever will be. She is paying for half of the venue and said she would chip in for the other vendors as well as buying my dress. So far these are the things that are irking me:

She has insisted on inviting people that #1 I haven't seen in ages and #2 specifically one person my FI has said he does not want at our wedding. It was supposed to be 100 people max, with my mother's additions Its turned into 107, granted not that much but my FI is the first of 12 and my family is less than 25 including the cousins she wants me to invite. So there is also the bitching about his invites as well "he can't just invite all his family, you should have some people there too"

#2 My father passed away what will be two years ago around the time we are to be married. My mother keeps mentioning that she hopes my brother will pay tribute to him. I have seen the tributes to fathers who have passed away DURING the wedding planning or somewhere very close to the wedding and both my FI and I think, because of my mother's tendency to be over the top, that this will just bring the mood down and we don't want it. We want this to be a party, a celebration, not a time to talk about the dead.
(Please don't get me wrong, I love my dad, he suffered for a very long time and I know he is in a better place, I just don't think a wedding is the place to hold a memorial)

#3 We got engaged June 21st. Mom was going to throw us a little engagement party at the house. But because of schedules and busy lives we couldn't do it till July 25. At that point she pretty much said well that's too late, I'm not doing it. We ended up throwing a BBQ and it was fabulous!

#4 My FI is considerably older than I am (23 years) and my mother was insisting on us being married before the end of the year. Well when we settled on a date for next year she freaked and said she wasn't paying for anything, we were on our own, blah blah blah.... She has since reversed that decision (see above) but that was just one more feather in her boa....

So yeah....mom of bride is making the bride crazy...any advise for me so I can keep the peace, keep my sanity and not have to check into rehab for my honeymoon?

*Barbie*

Knottie1439161580 said:

I'm 281 days away from my wedding and my mother is already being more of a bridezilla than I ever will be. She is paying for half of the venue and said she would chip in for the other vendors as well as buying my dress. So far these are the things that are irking me: She has insisted on inviting people that #1 I haven't seen in ages and #2 specifically one person my FI has said he does not want at our wedding. It was supposed to be 100 people max, with my mother's additions Its turned into 107, granted not that much but my FI is the first of 12 and my family is less than 25 including the cousins she wants me to invite. So there is also the bitching about his invites as well "he can't just invite all his family, you should have some people there too" #2 My father passed away what will be two years ago around the time we are to be married. My mother keeps mentioning that she hopes my brother will pay tribute to him. I have seen the tributes to fathers who have passed away DURING the wedding planning or somewhere very close to the wedding and both my FI and I think, because of my mother's tendency to be over the top, that this will just bring the mood down and we don't want it. We want this to be a party, a celebration, not a time to talk about the dead. (Please don't get me wrong, I love my dad, he suffered for a very long time and I know he is in a better place, I just don't think a wedding is the place to hold a memorial) #3 We got engaged June 21st. Mom was going to throw us a little engagement party at the house. But because of schedules and busy lives we couldn't do it till July 25. At that point she pretty much said well that's too late, I'm not doing it. We ended up throwing a BBQ and it was fabulous! #4 My FI is considerably older than I am (23 years) and my mother was insisting on us being married before the end of the year. Well when we settled on a date for next year she freaked and said she wasn't paying for anything, we were on our own, blah blah blah.... She has since reversed that decision (see above) but that was just one more feather in her boa.... So yeah....mom of bride is making the bride crazy...any advise for me so I can keep the peace, keep my sanity and not have to check into rehab for my honeymoon?

If you and your FI pay for your own wedding, you get full say in how the show is run. Unless you're 16, your FI is *at least* in his 40s, so I'm a bit judgy that you guys are not covering the cost of your party.

Heffalump

If you don't like the conditions of her offer, then decline and (as Barbie mentioned) pay for your own party.

Knottie1439161580

*Barbie* said:

If you and your FI pay for your own wedding, you get full say in how the show is run. Unless you're 16, your FI is *at least* in his 40s, so I'm a bit judgy that you guys are not covering the cost of your party.

Not 16, I'm in my 30's. That was the original plan, we will pay for it, we are adults, not extremely well off but comfortable enough to spend 8,000 on a wedding. But she offered and she is definitely not hurting for money.

MNNEBride

Knottie1439161580 said:

If you and your FI pay for your own wedding, you get full say in how the show is run. Unless you're 16, your FI is *at least* in his 40s, so I'm a bit judgy that you guys are not covering the cost of your party.

Not 16, I'm in my 30's. That was the original plan, we will pay for it, we are adults, not extremely well off but comfortable enough to spend 8,000 on a wedding. But she offered and she is definitely not hurting for money.

You are not obligated to accept her offer, regardless of whether she is "definitely not hurting for money".  

Knottie1439161580

There shouldn't be "Conditions". I consider her helping with the wedding a gift, if I have to bend over backwards to make her happy that defeats the purpose of said gift. Besides, I'm doing whatever she wants (within reason) I'm just asking for advice on how to keep the peace

*Barbie*

Knottie1439161580 said:

There shouldn't be "Conditions". I consider her helping with the wedding a gift, if I have to bend over backwards to make her happy that defeats the purpose of said gift. Besides, I'm doing whatever she wants (within reason) I'm just asking for advice on how to keep the peace

This was already answered - accept your mom's strings or be adults and pay for your own wedding. Unless she handed you a wad of cash and said to spend it however you wanted, it wasn't a NSA gift.

ShesSoCold

Knottie1439161580 said:

There shouldn't be "Conditions". I consider her helping with the wedding a gift, if I have to bend over backwards to make her happy that defeats the purpose of said gift. Besides, I'm doing whatever she wants (within reason) I'm just asking for advice on how to keep the peace

Clearly she does not. Money often comes with strings. Your mom is entitled to her opinions and wants because she's footing the bill. The only way for you to get what you want is to pay for it yourself. 

aliwis000

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie1439161580 said:

There shouldn't be "Conditions". I consider her helping with the wedding a gift, if I have to bend over backwards to make her happy that defeats the purpose of said gift. Besides, I'm doing whatever she wants (within reason) I'm just asking for advice on how to keep the peace

Clearly she does not. Money often comes with strings. Your mom is entitled to her opinions and wants because she's footing the bill. The only way for you to get what you want is to pay for it yourself. 

Love this. Just because OP thinks it is a gift does not mean it is a gift without strings. Sorry OP if your mom is putting you through heck your only option is to refuse her funding. Yeah  I know, its hard to turn down free money, I get that. However, you are now fully aware of what the next 281 days will be like if you continue to accept her money.

The best plan would be to do the following:
1. Nicely have an adult conversation with her that lets her know that while you are very appreciative that she has offered to help with the wedding her money will not be needed.
2. Any money she has put down pay her back for.
3. Do not discuss wedding details with her anymore. If she asks just bean dip. If she pushes you can share with her but remind her that this is your wedding and as an adult she cannot tell you how to spend your money.
4. If she tries to put your choices down just walk away. Say "Mom this subject is closed and I am respectfully walking away."

Done.

Once again we all get its hard to turn down free money but you cannot expect her to give you money and not get a say. That is just not fair.