Divorced Grandparents

Bigwands

So here's my dilemma.  My maternal grandparents have been divorced since my mom was a young girl.  It's never been what you could call "amicable" by any stretch of the imagination (apparently he was a bit of a dick before grandkids started showing up and he decided he wanted to be involved).  I want my grandfather there because I love him, but my nana is a more regular part of my life (though she can drive me crazy) and to not invite her - I couldn't do that to her.  She wan't at my parents wedding, but he was.

I've actually spent years thinking about this (long before a wedding was a realistic posibility with anyone).  Until recently my main concern was that things would be uncomfortable for my grandfathers wife rather than that open hostility would take place.  I've come to love her as a grandmother as well and she's such a wonderful person, but my nana gets very upset and jealous when she's mentioned (which I can't entirely blame her for having heard the story of her marriage) and I just didn't want to risk a scene or anyone being excessively uncomfortable.  My grandfather's wife passed away this past month, just weeks before the engagement, which breaks my heart for many, many reasons, but seemingly solves my problem.  Except, now I realize my grandfather is without any sort of buffer.  I don't know what to do.  I've considered inviting one to the ceremony and one to the reception, but how do I decide who gets to come to what and my grandfather live in Indiana, so am I asking him to come to Ontario for half a wedding?


(if we want to add yet another layer of complicated to it, my Uncle hasn't spoken to his mother in years and will be flying in from Japan - maybe - and I plan to invite part grandfather's second family (different woman).  Yay!)

Jen4948

I'd just invite them both and expect them to behave like adults. As long as they aren't seated together or expected to be photographed together or dance together, then I don't think it's too much to expect from them. By way if preparation, have security available to remove anyone if necessary.

aliwis000

Jen4948 said:

I'd just invite them both and expect them to behave like adults. As long as they aren't seated together or expected to be photographed together or dance together, then I don't think it's too much to expect from them. By way if preparation, have security available to remove anyone if necessary.

I agree.

Invite who you want to invite. Unless one of these people is fully funding your wedding then you do have a say in the guest list.

Others do not get the right to tell you who is/should be important to you. Invite everyone, seat them away from each other and enjoy your day. If either party does not show up that is their problem for acting childish.

[Deleted User]

Bigwands said:

So here's my dilemma.  My maternal grandparents have been divorced since my mom was a young girl.  It's never been what you could call "amicable" by any stretch of the imagination (apparently he was a bit of a dick before grandkids started showing up and he decided he wanted to be involved).  I want my grandfather there because I love him, but my nana is a more regular part of my life (though she can drive me crazy) and to not invite her - I couldn't do that to her.  She wan't at my parents wedding, but he was.

I've actually spent years thinking about this (long before a wedding was a realistic posibility with anyone).  Until recently my main concern was that things would be uncomfortable for my grandfathers wife rather than that open hostility would take place.  I've come to love her as a grandmother as well and she's such a wonderful person, but my nana gets very upset and jealous when she's mentioned (which I can't entirely blame her for having heard the story of her marriage) and I just didn't want to risk a scene or anyone being excessively uncomfortable.  My grandfather's wife passed away this past month, just weeks before the engagement, which breaks my heart for many, many reasons, but seemingly solves my problem.  Except, now I realize my grandfather is without any sort of buffer.  I don't know what to do.  I've considered inviting one to the ceremony and one to the reception, but how do I decide who gets to come to what and my grandfather live in Indiana, so am I asking him to come to Ontario for half a wedding?


(if we want to add yet another layer of complicated to it, my Uncle hasn't spoken to his mother in years and will be flying in from Japan - maybe - and I plan to invite part grandfather's second family (different woman).  Yay!)

Invite everyone you want there and expect them to act like adults.  If they've been divorced since your mother was a child and you're at an age to be getting married, math tells us that they've been divorced for at least 30 years, probably much longer.  They should be able to manage to ignore each other for an afternoon while being in the same room.  Seat everyone who hates each other at their own tables with people who like them.  Good luck.

Maggie0829

You should invite them both.  These two have been divorced for many, many years.  If they can't act like adults then that is on them.  They do not have to converse or sit near each other or even acknowledge that one another is there.  You should not have to decide which to not invite since they both mean a great deal to you.  And it would be incredibly rude of them to make you feel like you do have to chose.  So invite them both and let them decide if they can handle being in the same room with their ex from however many years ago for their granddaughters wedding day.

OliveOilsMom

Bigwands said:

So here's my dilemma.  My maternal grandparents have been divorced since my mom was a young girl.  It's never been what you could call "amicable" by any stretch of the imagination (apparently he was a bit of a dick before grandkids started showing up and he decided he wanted to be involved).  I want my grandfather there because I love him, but my nana is a more regular part of my life (though she can drive me crazy) and to not invite her - I couldn't do that to her.  She wan't at my parents wedding, but he was.

I've actually spent years thinking about this (long before a wedding was a realistic posibility with anyone).  Until recently my main concern was that things would be uncomfortable for my grandfathers wife rather than that open hostility would take place.  I've come to love her as a grandmother as well and she's such a wonderful person, but my nana gets very upset and jealous when she's mentioned (which I can't entirely blame her for having heard the story of her marriage) and I just didn't want to risk a scene or anyone being excessively uncomfortable.  My grandfather's wife passed away this past month, just weeks before the engagement, which breaks my heart for many, many reasons, but seemingly solves my problem.  Except, now I realize my grandfather is without any sort of buffer.  I don't know what to do.  I've considered inviting one to the ceremony and one to the reception, but how do I decide who gets to come to what and my grandfather live in Indiana, so am I asking him to come to Ontario for half a wedding?


(if we want to add yet another layer of complicated to it, my Uncle hasn't spoken to his mother in years and will be flying in from Japan - maybe - and I plan to invite part grandfather's second family (different woman).  Yay!)

Ditto PP.  Make sure you have them seated in different rows and hosting their own tables at the reception.  Place there tables on opposite sides of the room as well.  Let your venue know that your grandparents don't get along.  They may say they have dealt with issues like this before or may ask you to hire an off duty police office or security.

Bottom line is to invite everyone.  If some one fails to attend because you invited the other person, that is their issue.  If they try to get you to revoke invitations or control your guest list, simply say, "I love you both and cannot choose.  I hope that you are both able to attend the wedding because you want to see me and FI marry.  I am not asking you to sit near each other and be best friends.  I'm just asking for you to come witness my marriage and celebrate with us afterwards."

Bigwands

Sounds like the consensus is let them deal with their feelings.  Thanks guys

SP29

Agreed- Invite them both (to both ceremony and reception) and expect them to act like adults.

Seat them in different rows for the ceremony and at different tables for the reception.

DH's parents are divorced, since he was 4, and they do NOT talk to each other- but at least they aren't throwing out drama either. They were grown up enough to sit in the same row for the ceremony, as DH's parents, but at the reception we sat them at separate tables with their own side of the family, separated by two of my family tables.