Do I send an invite to the shower?

[Deleted User]

I am not sure what etiquette says here... I am throwing a Bridal shower for sister in-law... Who happens to be marrying another female. I got the list from her and I know there are people on the list who have said they wont be attending the wedding because of that... that's through the rumor mill... I did however receive one call from someone who would be invited to the shower stating she did not think her and her family would be attending the wedding due to their beliefs... (asked my thoughts, I told her mine that were vastly different then hers) Do I still invite her to the shower if she told me she probably wont be attending the wedding? OR is it still ok to send a shower invite since she is invited to the wedding regardless if she shows up or not.

And before anyone asks... I support the couple 100% I love them both.

Casadena

I would still invite these few women to the shower - then they have the power to say yes or no. Just make sure that they will also be invited to the wedding (even though they say they will not attend). 

[Deleted User]

ALSO sorry... Do I keep whatever they say to myself or share it with SIL? I feel like keeping it to myself but I don't know what is right or wrong on this. Its really only going to be hurtful so that is why I do not want to share it but would you want to know?

Casadena

I would absolutely keep it to yourself.  

justsie

I agree with Casadena on both points. 

It sucks that your SIL has to deal with people like that in her life. I'm glad she also has supportive people like you around (and if she is in the USA she can now get marrired despite what those people think!)

AddieCake

I think you should invite everyone on the list you were given. Keep what you have heard/learned to yourself.

snowywinter

RachelLee83 said:

I am not sure what etiquette says here... I am throwing a Bridal shower for sister in-law... Who happens to be marrying another female. I got the list from her and I know there are people on the list who have said they wont be attending the wedding because of that... that's through the rumor mill... I did however receive one call from someone who would be invited to the shower stating she did not think her and her family would be attending the wedding due to their beliefs... (asked my thoughts, I told her mine that were vastly different then hers) Do I still invite her to the shower if she told me she probably wont be attending the wedding? OR is it still ok to send a shower invite since she is invited to the wedding regardless if she shows up or not.

And before anyone asks... I support the couple 100% I love them both.

Frankly, I wouldn't invite her to the shower or the wedding. Anyone not supportive of the couple shouldn't get an invite and if your SIL asks why, I would tell her she isn't supportive. I would want to know if it was me. Think about it like this: as a heterosexual couple, would I want someone at my shower or wedding who didn't approve of my relationship with my Fi? My answer is a resounding NO.

photokitty

Having been through this with my lovely sister and sister in law...I would invite entire suggested guest list.

I would probably tell me sister, bc they knew up front that some family did not approve. Sil had family that did not approve of her being gay, including immediate family members. My family had a few extended members who love the couple, but being Catholic refused to attend the wedding. We talked about these issues and people. I wouldn't be able to keep it from her, despite the fact that I probably should.

Regardless, the couple wanted to invite them, bc they hoped love would win out. One woman came to the shower, but when she told my mom they couldn't come to the wedding she referred to the day as "your thing", not wedding. A year later, that same woman threw a baby shower for them. People can change, if you're willing to give them the time and opportunity.

artbyallie

As long as everyone on the list is invited to the wedding, they may be invited to the shower. It's on them to decide whether or not to attend.

Also, just as kind of an FYI, could you perhaps use 'woman' next time instead of 'female?' It's sort of offensive to refer to women that way.

SP29

I would invite all the people on the list, as long as they are invited to the wedding.

The ball is then in their court to attend or not.

If people decline I would keep it to myself. Might be different if one of the brides were MY sister, but unless you are super-duper close with your SIL where you have that kind of relationship, I would keep it to myself.

I am sure if the brides are inviting people close to them, who are also going to decline the wedding due to their beliefs against gay marriage, that this drama will come to the surface.

[Deleted User]

artbyallie said:

As long as everyone on the list is invited to the wedding, they may be invited to the shower. It's on them to decide whether or not to attend.

Also, just as kind of an FYI, could you perhaps use 'woman' next time instead of 'female?' It's sort of offensive to refer to women that way.

Sorry no idea that was considered offensive.

MandyMost

Who to invite to an event really has nothing to do with why can/will actually attend the event. If someone was due to give birth on the date of the wedding (and therefore not planning to attend the wedding) would you still invite them to the shower? I would. Same as someone who was in the military and couldn't attend the wedding, or knew they weren't going to be able to travel to town for the wedding, etc.

If you have direct, first-hand knowledge of people being unsupportive of the couple (not just gossip and hearsay) then I'd let the couple know, and they can decide if they want to take the person off the invite list or not. I don't think it's up to you, especially if it's not first-hand knowledge. 

JellyBean52513

RachelLee83 said:

artbyallie said:

As long as everyone on the list is invited to the wedding, they may be invited to the shower. It's on them to decide whether or not to attend.

Also, just as kind of an FYI, could you perhaps use 'woman' next time instead of 'female?' It's sort of offensive to refer to women that way.

Sorry no idea that was considered offensive.

Many people don't realize this. I personally find the term 'female' offensive because it essentially diminishes women to being nothing more than what their sex organs make them. A person has much more to them than their scientific labels!