Gritting my teeth...

pinupbride6189

Fair warning, this is pretty much just a vent so that I can get this out now and not this weekend when it would unleash hell (mostly hyperbole...). Also, if you were reading the 'pissing you off' thread, some of this was in there. This weekend I'm driving up to my venue to do my food and cake tasting. FMIL is also coming. This was all well and good up until about a week or so ago when FI called his mom. All he did was mention that I was out looking at dresses with my BMs and she (apparently, as I was obviously not part of the conversation) went off on him, still complaining that the sides were uneven (we're inviting in circles, and I have a bigger family than he does), said that she found out that his brother's senior prom falls on our wedding day, and that (and this is the part that has me seething) he, "needs to grow a pair and stand up to," me. I think she's she really just upset that he's actually standing up to her, but whatever. It's not like I'm brow beating FI into anything, we talk about everything and make decisions together, she just doesn't like them. Anyway, I just wanted to blow off some steam here so that I can maintain civility this weekend.

novella1186

pinupbride6189 said:

Fair warning, this is pretty much just a vent so that I can get this out now and not this weekend when it would unleash hell (mostly hyperbole...). Also, if you were reading the 'pissing you off' thread, some of this was in there. This weekend I'm driving up to my venue to do my food and cake tasting. FMIL is also coming. This was all well and good up until about a week or so ago when FI called his mom. All he did was mention that I was out looking at dresses with my BMs and she (apparently, as I was obviously not part of the conversation) went off on him, still complaining that the sides were uneven (we're inviting in circles, and I have a bigger family than he does), said that she found out that his brother's senior prom falls on our wedding day, and that (and this is the part that has me seething) he, "needs to grow a pair and stand up to," me. I think she's she really just upset that he's actually standing up to her, but whatever. It's not like I'm brow beating FI into anything, we talk about everything and make decisions together, she just doesn't like them. Anyway, I just wanted to blow off some steam here so that I can maintain civility this weekend.

The bolded would piss me off so so so so so bad. I'm sorry she's being so difficult. All the wine for you! 

thefanciestbeckler

Ooohhhhhh no no no no no! I am so sorry she is being like that! I would be so mad if I were you!

luckya23

Stand up to you in regards to what?

[Deleted User]

luckya23 said:

Stand up to you in regards to what?

This is code for do what mommy wants, not what future wife wants. 

pinupbride6189

Thanks. It's maddening because when we're talking to each other, it's like there's no issue. She never actually says stuff like this to me and always seems so pleasant. I mean, just a few weeks ago she sent me a brand new Coach wristlet. But then stuff like this happens and I just have no clue what to think.

pinupbride6189

FeeleyToBe said:

luckya23 said:

Stand up to you in regards to what?

This is code for do what mommy wants, not what future wife wants. 

That's exactly what it means.

MobKaz

luckya23 said:

Stand up to you in regards to what?

I am going to guess that FMIL has not been happy with many of the decisions made regarding wedding planning.  I will further guess that FMIL believes her son would have NO part/involvement in making any decision that would make mama unhappy.  I am sure FMIL assumes that @pinupbride6189 has single handedly made all decisions, and has emasculated her poor son.

Mama needs to realize that she is no longer the #1 woman in his life.

luckya23

pinupbride6189 said:

FeeleyToBe said:

luckya23 said:

Stand up to you in regards to what?

This is code for do what mommy wants, not what future wife wants. 

That's exactly what it means.

I can't tell what it is she wants?  You to change the date??

ETA:  My wedding also gave me a completely different opinion of my MIL.  I'm trying very hard to believe that she's stupid, though, and not as passive-aggressive as she seems.

She told my mother at my wedding that nobody can tell me anything!  Well, nobody asked, bee-otch!

luckya23

MobKaz said:

luckya23 said:

Stand up to you in regards to what?

I am going to guess that FMIL has not been happy with many of the decisions made regarding wedding planning.  I will further guess that FMIL believes her son would have NO part/involvement in making any decision that would make mama unhappy.  I am sure FMIL assumes that @pinupbride6189 has single handedly made all decisions, and has emasculated her poor son.

Mama needs to realize that she is no longer the #1 woman in his life.

Ah yes, I have similar struggles with my MIL.  Sorry, I make the rules now! (DH is just a follower, it's his nature)

pinupbride6189

MobKaz said:

luckya23 said:

Stand up to you in regards to what?

I am going to guess that FMIL has not been happy with many of the decisions made regarding wedding planning.  I will further guess that FMIL believes her son would have NO part/involvement in making any decision that would make mama unhappy.  I am sure FMIL assumes that @pinupbride6189 has single handedly made all decisions, and has emasculated her poor son.

Mama needs to realize that she is no longer the #1 woman in his life.

I think this is exactly what's going on. Pretty sure she thinks I'm just squishing FI's (her) hopes and dreams.

pinupbride6189

luckya23 said:

pinupbride6189 said:

FeeleyToBe said:

luckya23 said:

Stand up to you in regards to what?

This is code for do what mommy wants, not what future wife wants. 

That's exactly what it means.

I can't tell what it is she wants?  You to change the date??

ETA:  My wedding also gave me a completely different opinion of my MIL.  I'm trying very hard to believe that she's stupid, though, and not as passive-aggressive as she seems.

She told my mother at my wedding that nobody can tell me anything!  Well, nobody asked, bee-otch!

She would like for us to change the date, double our guest list so that SHE can have as many guests as I do, she'd like for us to cancel our venue contract and lose all the money we've put towards it so that we have enough space to double our guest list, and if we won't double the guest list, she wants us to let her know when people from my side decline so that she can b-list her people. She would also like to miss the wedding to stay home with FI's brother for his prom (that she won't tell him coincides with the wedding) and that if FI insists on her being at the wedding, he has 6 grandparents that would be willing to stay home with FBIL for prom.

AddieCake

Does she want you to change your date because of Prom? Pffft.

banana468

Yikes!

The only thing I'll say is that your FI really needs to have the "Come to Deity" conversation with his mom soon.   A "Mom, it's not acceptable for you to talk to ME like that, and it's certainly not OK for you to refer to my future wife like this.  We are wedding planning TOGETHER.   You don't have to like the choices we're making but you need to respect them. "

OliveOilsMom

Make sure that when you talk about the wedding, always say FI and I decided together or FI thinks we should do this.  Subtly letting her know that you both have made decisions.  I'm sorry that she is being a PITA to you both.  Does she really expect you to postpone your wedding for a prom? 

Is FMIL still hiding the fact that the prom and your wedding are the same day to FBIL?

pinupbride6189

AddieCake said:

Does she want you to change your date because of Prom? Pffft.

That and hockey season, yeah.

sparklepants41

Ugh. I'm so sorry.

In solidarity, I'm having one of these made for you:

 

pinupbride6189

OliveOilsMom said:

Make sure that when you talk about the wedding, always say FI and I decided together or FI thinks we should do this.  Subtly letting her know that you both have made decisions.  I'm sorry that she is being a PITA to you both.  Does she really expect you to postpone your wedding for a prom? 

Is FMIL still hiding the fact that the prom and your wedding are the same day to FBIL?

I don't think she's told him yet. Idk when she plans to, but FI said if she hasn't told him by this weekend, he's going to call and talk to him about it.

pinupbride6189

sparklepants41 said:

Ugh. I'm so sorry.

In solidarity, I'm having one of these made for you:

 

OMG, YES! Thank you!!

anjemon

The guest list stuff totally sucks. H and I had the problem about uneven families too. My family is large and fairly close-knit. We see each other fairly frequently and my Mom is still in contact with a lot of her cousins. Also both my grandparents had lots of siblings and they are still on good terms with them all. So my side was huge just based on family. 

MIL doesn't talk to her side of the family and they don't really get together with FIL's side of the family either. And they're not that big (not a lot of cousins or cousin's SOs or cousins kids like me).

One of the biggest fights we had about wedding stuff was really early on when we were trying to even out the guest list. Cutting family was really hard for me and I think he didn't really understand how close we are because his family isn't that way at all. We figured it out eventually, but I know how much it sucks. 

beachyone15

I'm sorry, that really sucks. But it's good that FI is on your side. And I agree that he should definitely go ahead and talk to his brother about the prom issue asap. That way your MIL is out of that conversation completely, since it's not her decision to make anyway.

PrettyGirlLost

pinupbride6189 said:

Thanks. It's maddening because when we're talking to each other, it's like there's no issue. She never actually says stuff like this to me and always seems so pleasant. I mean, just a few weeks ago she sent me a brand new Coach wristlet. But then stuff like this happens and I just have no clue what to think.

It's not really all that deep- I'm sure she's nice enough and she likes you, but she's controlling and wants to maintain control over her family. . . despite the fact that her son is presumably an adult now, since he's getting married.

You just have to make sure you and FI are always on the same page as far as his mother's demands, and just firmly and politely tell her no when you need to, either verbally or by your actions.

pinupbride6189

anjemon said:

The guest list stuff totally sucks. H and I had the problem about uneven families too. My family is large and fairly close-knit. We see each other fairly frequently and my Mom is still in contact with a lot of her cousins. Also both my grandparents had lots of siblings and they are still on good terms with them all. So my side was huge just based on family. 

MIL doesn't talk to her side of the family and they don't really get together with FIL's side of the family either. And they're not that big (not a lot of cousins or cousin's SOs or cousins kids like me).

One of the biggest fights we had about wedding stuff was really early on when we were trying to even out the guest list. Cutting family was really hard for me and I think he didn't really understand how close we are because his family isn't that way at all. We figured it out eventually, but I know how much it sucks. 

This is exactly what's going on. My mom is one of six siblings, and all of them have 2 or 3 kids, and some of them have kids now. FI only has one uncle and one cousin. He didn't understand how I couldn't just invite one or two of my aunts/unlces/cousins, until he came down to my mom's house (which was also wrong to FMIL because we hadn't made the 10 hour drive to visit them yet) with me and we had a 'get to know you' get together, and he saw that we all actuall knew each other and were close. We've told FMIL that we're keeping it to close family, and she says that doesn't hold up since I'm inviting so many family members whereas FI is only allowed (her words) 12.

pinupbride6189

PrettyGirlLost said:

pinupbride6189 said:

Thanks. It's maddening because when we're talking to each other, it's like there's no issue. She never actually says stuff like this to me and always seems so pleasant. I mean, just a few weeks ago she sent me a brand new Coach wristlet. But then stuff like this happens and I just have no clue what to think.

It's not really all that deep- I'm sure she's nice enough and she likes you, but she's controlling and wants to maintain control over her family. . . despite the fact that her son is presumably an adult now, since he's getting married.

You just have to make sure you and FI are always on the same page as far as his mother's demands, and just firmly and politely tell her no when you need to, either verbally or by your actions.

Who are you who is so wise in the ways of science? You're absolutely correct, it's just so frustrating.

PrettyGirlLost

pinupbride6189 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

pinupbride6189 said:

Thanks. It's maddening because when we're talking to each other, it's like there's no issue. She never actually says stuff like this to me and always seems so pleasant. I mean, just a few weeks ago she sent me a brand new Coach wristlet. But then stuff like this happens and I just have no clue what to think.

It's not really all that deep- I'm sure she's nice enough and she likes you, but she's controlling and wants to maintain control over her family. . . despite the fact that her son is presumably an adult now, since he's getting married.

You just have to make sure you and FI are always on the same page as far as his mother's demands, and just firmly and politely tell her no when you need to, either verbally or by your actions.

Who are you who is so wise in the ways of science? You're absolutely correct, it's just so frustrating.

I know, but if you genuinely like her other than crap like this, just do what you're doing to try and keep your cool, and know that usually, it gets better with time ;-)

It may take a while for Mom to realize her kids aren't kids any longer, especially if she still has a child in high school, but eventually she'll probably start to let them go.

CMGragain

I am confused.  Were you listening to the conversation on an extension phone?  Or did your FI just repeat all this to you?

novella1186

CMGragain said:

I am confused.  Were you listening to the conversation on an extension phone?  Or did your FI just repeat all this to you?

pinupbride6189 said:

Fair warning, this is pretty much just a vent so that I can get this out now and not this weekend when it would unleash hell (mostly hyperbole...). Also, if you were reading the 'pissing you off' thread, some of this was in there. This weekend I'm driving up to my venue to do my food and cake tasting. FMIL is also coming. This was all well and good up until about a week or so ago when FI called his mom. All he did was mention that I was out looking at dresses with my BMs and she (apparently, as I was obviously not part of the conversation) went off on him, still complaining that the sides were uneven (we're inviting in circles, and I have a bigger family than he does), said that she found out that his brother's senior prom falls on our wedding day, and that (and this is the part that has me seething) he, "needs to grow a pair and stand up to," me. I think she's she really just upset that he's actually standing up to her, but whatever. It's not like I'm brow beating FI into anything, we talk about everything and make decisions together, she just doesn't like them. Anyway, I just wanted to blow off some steam here so that I can maintain civility this weekend.

The bolded tells me that her FI relayed the conversation to her after the fact. She clearly wasn't listening in on another phone. (Do people do that?) 

redheadbride15

WTF?

I think we need to start a new solidarity board on TK called "My crazy-ass MIL/FMIL".  It's a special place for knotties to vent about the BSC/bitchy/controlling/weird/manipulative mothers of their nearest and dearest.

CMGragain

Why would your FI repeat this hurtful conversation to you?  He needs to man up and set his mother straight, not come crying to you with tales from the darkside.

mrscomposer

CMGragain said:

Why would your FI repeat this hurtful conversation to you?  He needs to man up and set his mother straight, not come crying to you with tales from the darkside.

So in other words... he needs to grow a pair?

The conversation was hurtful to both OP and her FI.  It makes absolute sense that he would repeat it to her, as a vent.  If it was disparaging solely against the OP, then yeah, he should keep it to himself, but if this is just one more thing in a long list of crap her FMIL is saying, I can totally see why he would share it with her.  I would expect my husband to do the same.  We're a team.  We share the good AND the crappy.

pinupbride6189

mrscomposer said:

CMGragain said:

Why would your FI repeat this hurtful conversation to you?  He needs to man up and set his mother straight, not come crying to you with tales from the darkside.

So in other words... he needs to grow a pair?

The conversation was hurtful to both OP and her FI.  It makes absolute sense that he would repeat it to her, as a vent.  If it was disparaging solely against the OP, then yeah, he should keep it to himself, but if this is just one more thing in a long list of crap her FMIL is saying, I can totally see why he would share it with her.  I would expect my husband to do the same.  We're a team.  We share the good AND the crappy.

This exactly. When I got home, the first words out of his mouth were, "I'm never calling my mom while your out doing wedding stuff ever again," because the same thing happened when I went shopping for my dress with my mom and sister.  She keeps saying she wants to be included (which is why she's flying in from out of state to go to the tasting), but she doesn't really want to be included, she wants to be in control, and that's not happening.