Morning After Brunch

StephFC07

My family has a shoestring budget, and my parents have been feeling pressure (that they are putting on themselves for the sake of tradition) to contribute to the wedding somehow. Mind you, my mother is making our wedding cake, including the sheet cakes that will be cut for the guests and my father is procuring chairs for the outdoor ceremony space (and I have told them numerous times that that's plenty contribution to the day). About 2 months ago my mother got it into her head that we HAVE to have a morning after brunch and she's just GOT to host it at our home. My siblings are triplets with special needs, my father was recently diagnosed with Diabetes and mom was diagnosed with PMR. I'm worried about them overworking themselves and doing things that aren't necessary. I'm not sure who got this idea into my mom's head that this was a MUST do event...wait...is it a MUST do event?

Our wedding will be on a Sunday evening. I'm not sure how many people are stay beyond early Monday morning to head back to work and such. I don't want her to go through this effort to host this event and have nobody show up. Is there a way for me to gently get my mom to let go of this? It's stressing her out so much and I just can't gauge how many people are truly even expecting such a thing.

Jen4948

No, it's not a "must do" event.

Tell your mom that this is not a possibility and isn't happening.  Bean-dip if necessary until she drops it.

AddieCake

I would tell her you doubt anyone will be up for sticking around on Monday morning for brunch and that you appreciate the gesture but that you really don't need her to do anything else. Are people out of town? I can't imagine any in-towers will take off for this.

[Deleted User]

This is in no way a must do at all. In fact I don't know how common it is in some circles? It's fairly common in ours but not something we wanted to do. So we didn't. I know some family did get together before they left down for breakfast but that's not your responsibility. Your only responsibility is to make sure they are taken care of during the ceremony and reception. It's always a nice gesture.. but it no means a mandatory thing and I highly doubt anyone would think less of your family for not having one.

StephFC07

It seems like we're barely going to have a handful of people that are seriously traveling far for the wedding. Most people are within a couple hours drive.

labro

1. It is definitely NOT a must-do event. Your hosting requirements end after the reception is over.

2. Everyone is going to go back to work Monday morning, especially if they are local. Hardly anyone would probably come anyway. If most are within a couple hours they'll go home that night after the reception and won't drive back up again for a brunch.

I think you just need to tell your mom how much you appreciate her and everything she's doing, but a brunch is not at all necessary. You're looking forward to seeing everyone at the wedding and that's enough for you and your FI. Nobody is going to look down on you for not hosting one, I'm not even sure how common it really is. I'd say maybe 30 percent of the weddings I've attended had a planned get together after the wedding.

southernbelle0915

Nope, not a must do. Only a small number of weddings I've ever been to have done this. And when they do, it's usually bridal party/SOs and immediate family.

StephFC07

The worst part of it is...we don't want one. We've tried telling her multiple times but she's still set on doing it. We want to check out of the hotel as close to check out (simply because driving the hour back to our apartment after the reception seemed out of the question) as possible and take a nice drive home and to possibly deliver the bouquet to the person who will be preserving it. We didn't really want to loop back down to my parent's house and then head back up. I don't know how to get it through to her without flipping out at this point. Which is something I desperately do not want to do.

[Deleted User]

StephFC07 said:

My family has a shoestring budget, and my parents have been feeling pressure (that they are putting on themselves for the sake of tradition) to contribute to the wedding somehow. Mind you, my mother is making our wedding cake, including the sheet cakes that will be cut for the guests and my father is procuring chairs for the outdoor ceremony space (and I have told them numerous times that that's plenty contribution to the day). About 2 months ago my mother got it into her head that we HAVE to have a morning after brunch and she's just GOT to host it at our home. My siblings are triplets with special needs, my father was recently diagnosed with Diabetes and mom was diagnosed with PMR. I'm worried about them overworking themselves and doing things that aren't necessary. I'm not sure who got this idea into my mom's head that this was a MUST do event...wait...is it a MUST do event?

Our wedding will be on a Sunday evening. I'm not sure how many people are stay beyond early Monday morning to head back to work and such. I don't want her to go through this effort to host this event and have nobody show up. Is there a way for me to gently get my mom to let go of this? It's stressing her out so much and I just can't gauge how many people are truly even expecting such a thing.

Tell your mom she can offer up bagels, cream cheese, and fruit for the wedding party the morning of the wedding so they have some sustinance before getting ready for the day, but that a Morning After Brunch on a Monday morning will not be happening.

[Deleted User]

StephFC07 said:

The worst part of it is...we don't want one. We've tried telling her multiple times but she's still set on doing it. We want to check out of the hotel as close to check out (simply because driving the hour back to our apartment after the reception seemed out of the question) as possible and take a nice drive home and to possibly deliver the bouquet to the person who will be preserving it. We didn't really want to loop back down to my parent's house and then head back up. I don't know how to get it through to her without flipping out at this point. Which is something I desperately do not want to do.

Let her flip out for five minutes now rather than putting in hours of work and tons of stress into a gathering that four people attend.  Tell her NO.  No is not a four letter word.  If she wants to have something at her house, have her host something on Friday evening or Saturday morning if some of her family members are getting into town early.  Tell her she can do whatever she wants on Monday morning, but it won't be wedding related as you will not be attending.

southernbelle0915

StephFC07 said:

The worst part of it is...we don't want one. We've tried telling her multiple times but she's still set on doing it. We want to check out of the hotel as close to check out (simply because driving the hour back to our apartment after the reception seemed out of the question) as possible and take a nice drive home and to possibly deliver the bouquet to the person who will be preserving it. We didn't really want to loop back down to my parent's house and then head back up. I don't know how to get it through to her without flipping out at this point. Which is something I desperately do not want to do.

OK, if this is something you really don't want because you have other plans then you just say "thank you so much for this offer, but we have to decline. We already have plans for the morning."

Remember: yes, this is family, but you're an adult not a child.. You don't have to do this just because others want you to do it.

MairePoppy

You should tell mom that  you and your new husband have plans for the day after the wedding and won't be participating in a day after get together. 

snowywinter

This is something people with destination weddings and/or a lot of out-of-town guests do. It is not the norm for regular weddings.

mollybarker11

OP this reminds me so much of my own mother!! She is always inviting relatives over for Big Family Dinners and then spends the whole week stressing & snapping about all the work to be done.

You can keep trying to convince her it's not necessary. (I've never been to a wedding that's had a morning-after brunch. In my circles, weddings are hard partying events and the only food I'm interested in the next day is greasy diner fare.) Definitely not a "must do" and not even a "traditionally done".

But more importantly, in your case no one is going to be around to attend (including the bride & groom)! PPs have offered you good advise for gentle ways to express that you don't want it, you won't be there. If that doesn't work, maybe point out how frustrating / embarrassing it would be to throw a big breakfast party and have zero guests. If, knowing all of this, she still wants to host it, it's out of your hands.

I like @adk19's suggestion of asking her to provide breakfast or snacks for the wedding party as they get ready on Sunday. That really would be a treat, and she could feel good about contributing something that people can appreciate!

YogaSandy

It's kind of irrelevant, since you do not want one. We got married the Saturday of the May Long Weekend. We had one the Sunday (also when we opened presents) at my parents' house. Quite a few family members and our WP attended. It was pretty full at their house. My brother got married 8 years later and had the same thing. Barely anyone attended - me, DH, our parents, his groomsmen and their SOs. I don't think any BM came or extended family members. It was also a Sunday of a long weekend (Labour Day). So sometimes they're well attended, sometimes not.

SP29

Never a requirement. Your only hosting responsibility is to host a reception to thank your guest for attending your ceremony.

You can try to reason with your mom by telling her, "On a Monday morning, most guests will not attend. They are either going to work or flying/driving back home to get to work for Tuesday".

Otherwise, I would firmly tell her, "Thank you for the offer, but we cannot accept it. FI and I have plans for Monday already so we will not be able to attend".

At that point, she can technically host whatever she wants, but I would keep telling her, "FI and I will not be there". And if she wants to send some sort of invitation with your wedding invites you can tell her that no, you will not attach the two events as while she can host whatever party she wants, you have declined her offer, so it is not a wedding event.

StephFC07

Thank you all so much for your advice! You all have such great perspectives on it. I think I'm too close to the situation to see a calm way of diffusing it, and your ideas have certainly helped calm me down. I still have yet to talk to mom though, ha!

Jen4948

Let us know how it goes.  Good luck!