Do i have to ask my sisters in law to be my bridesmaids?

Bbeautiful

My future husband has 2 grown up sisters 28 and 19. I decided i want my only one female cousin to be my bridesmaid and she is in her 20s! I don't want to exclude  them and don't want them to hate me. What should i do? 

P.S. The 28yrs sister in law is already married and i wasn't a bridesmaid at her wedding so i have no favor to give back to her. Right?

labro

Nope. If your FI wants them in the wedding, he can ask them to stand on his side. You don't have to ask them for the sake of the fact that they are your SILs to be.

I'd ask them if you have a close relationship with them and truly want them to be your bridesmaids for that sake, not because you feel an obligation to.

AddieCake

You should only ask people you are close to. 

pinkcow13

Choosing bridesmaids isn't tit for tat. So whether his sis asked you to be a BM or not should have no bearing on your decision.

Choose who you TRULY want to be in your bridal party, not who you think you HAVE to be in it. If your FI wants them in the wedding, they can stand on his side like Labro stated. If not, you don't have an obligation to them just because they are your future SIL's. If you only want your cousin, then that's totally fine.

JaxInBlue

Best advice: ask the people to be attendants that you would call at 2 AM to help you "bury the body" aka your nearest and dearest.  If those people don't include your FSILs, then you aren't under an obligation to ask them.  They can be included in your wedding in other ways - they could be groomswomen (if it is important to your FI that they participate as attendants) or you could ask them to do readings during your ceremony.

I would keep in mind, though, that being a bridesmaid or not isn't a tit-for-tat relationship.  Just because you were or were not a bridesmaid for someone, doesn't automatically qualify or disqualify them from being a bridesmaid for you. 

As a final aside, as easy as it is to say that you don't have to include them, or that they can stand with your FI, I completely get that family politics and opinions can go in an entirely different direction.  Regardless of what you decide to do in terms of your FSILs participation in your wedding, I would make sure you and FI are on the same page about expectations so that this isn't a "you" decision but an "us" decision.

Jen4948

If you're not close to them, don't ask them.

What you don't want to do is ask someone out of a sense of "obligation" that isn't coupled with genuine affection-not even if they asked you. It can give off a vibe that the attendants in question pick up, and it doesn't turn the experience into a bonding opportunity.

peachy13

Bbeautiful said:

My future husband has 2 grown up sisters 28 and 19. I decided i want my only one female cousin to be my bridesmaid and she is in her 20s! I don't want to exclude  them and don't want them to hate me. What should i do? 

P.S. The 28yrs sister in law is already married and i wasn't a bridesmaid at her wedding so i have no favor to give back to her. Right?

As PPs have said, you definitely do not have an obligation to ask them. However, for what it's worth, I don't think their ages should really have anything to do with them being bridesmaids or not. Regardless of anyone's age, you should ask whoever you're close with. And make sure you don't ask your bridal party too early.

[Deleted User]

peachy13 said:

Bbeautiful said:

My future husband has 2 grown up sisters 28 and 19. I decided i want my only one female cousin to be my bridesmaid and she is in her 20s! I don't want to exclude  them and don't want them to hate me. What should i do? 

P.S. The 28yrs sister in law is already married and i wasn't a bridesmaid at her wedding so i have no favor to give back to her. Right?

As PPs have said, you definitely do not have an obligation to ask them. However, for what it's worth, I don't think their ages should really have anything to do with them being bridesmaids or not. Regardless of anyone's age, you should ask whoever you're close with. And make sure you don't ask your bridal party too early.

This.  Ask whoever you are closest to whether that be your grandmother, uncle, sister, cousin, or friend.  Ask regardless of their age or genetalia.  But, wait until you're 6-9 months away from your wedding to ask them because relationships change and you don't want to ask too early.

ShesSoCold

I agree with PPs. I didn't ask either of my SILs (brother's wife and husband's sister). My brother's wife asked my sister and I to be BMs but it was only for even sides and because my brother wanted her to. That was obvious and we would much rather have been guests.

charcoalandblush

JaxInBlue said:

Best advice: ask the people to be attendants that you would call at 2 AM to help you "bury the body" aka your nearest and dearest.  If those people don't include your FSILs, then you aren't under an obligation to ask them.  They can be included in your wedding in other ways - they could be groomswomen (if it is important to your FI that they participate as attendants) or you could ask them to do readings during your ceremony.

I would keep in mind, though, that being a bridesmaid or not isn't a tit-for-tat relationship.  Just because you were or were not a bridesmaid for someone, doesn't automatically qualify or disqualify them from being a bridesmaid for you. 

As a final aside, as easy as it is to say that you don't have to include them, or that they can stand with your FI, I completely get that family politics and opinions can go in an entirely different direction.  Regardless of what you decide to do in terms of your FSILs participation in your wedding, I would make sure you and FI are on the same page about expectations so that this isn't a "you" decision but an "us" decision.

Totally agree with this. Possibly an unpopular opinion, but sometimes it's easier to keep the peace even if you aren't particularly close and just include her in your bridal party if you think there's a chance that she/his family will make a huge deal out of it.

VicTim328

While it is wonderful to have your nearest and dearest standing with you, bridal parties are not always as simple.  Being that you only have 1 BM, that should make it easier to avoid conflict, provided your FI only has 1 next to him.  If he is having more than one, you may need to brace yourself for family politics.

What is your FI's preference?  Is he okay with his sisters not being in the WP?  How would his family react?  His answer will allow you gauge the importance of their inclusion.  If the answer is he prefers them to be in it, and his family would not react well, they need to be in the WP.  End of story.  You do not want to start out your marriage with your in-laws on a bad note.  These decisions you make now will most likely impact your relationship with them for the rest of your life.

Honestly, it doesn't matter "who's side" they stand on.  Remember, the wedding party stands with BOTH of you in support of the marriage, not just an individual.  It would be kind of crappy to have someone in the WP who is only there to support one person, but not the person their friend is marrying.

I don't agree with the PP that it should only be the people you are close with presently.  There are other things to take into consideration. I think you have to consider the relationships that will come out of your marriage.  You may not be close with them presently, but it does not mean that in a few years you won't be. If you want to have a close relationship with them in the future, this is a step that you may need to take.

Also, your not being a BM for the older sister should not be a major deciding factor.  When she was married, you were not technically family.  Your position will now be permanent.

Your FI's answers and input will be a better guide than we could be.  

SP29

You are under no obligation to ask either of your FSILs to be in your wedding party.

Your wedding party is your decision, and yours alone.

I am in the camp of you choose those who are nearest and dearest to you, you don't choose people out of obligation, or because of numbers.

Maybe I'm just lucky that I don't have a crazy family that would try to make me feel guilty for not including a family member or my SIL in my WP.... but I don't think that the rest of your family should have a say in this. If your FI wants his sisters in the WP, they *can* stand on his side. You can also have them do a reading, or give them a corsage

From my perception, it also seems when brides post on here about issues with their bridal party, or even family, an interesting note is that it often relates to a friend/family member who was asked to participate out of some obligation. These situations often include things such as the bride feels the friend/family member isn't being supportive enough, or the friend/family member feels bitter about having to spend money or time they didn't want to.  I think people *know* when they are asked to do something out of obligation.

Blood/ familial marriage ties do not always mean everyone is going to be a big happy bunch of bffs afterwards.

My dad's sister asked my mom (her SIL) to be her MOH at her wedding. My parents are now divorced and my dad has a new SO, so my mom no longer attends our family functions on that side, unless it pertains directly to us kids. But even still, though my aunt and mom get along, I wouldn't call them friends, even when my parents were married. Just because my aunt asked my mom to be in her WP didn't create this magical relationship.

lightningsnow

SP29 said:

You are under no obligation to ask either of your FSILs to be in your wedding party.

Your wedding party is your decision, and yours alone.

I am in the camp of you choose those who are nearest and dearest to you, you don't choose people out of obligation, or because of numbers.

Maybe I'm just lucky that I don't have a crazy family that would try to make me feel guilty for not including a family member or my SIL in my WP.... but I don't think that the rest of your family should have a say in this. If your FI wants his sisters in the WP, they *can* stand on his side. You can also have them do a reading, or give them a corsage

From my perception, it also seems when brides post on here about issues with their bridal party, or even family, an interesting note is that it often relates to a friend/family member who was asked to participate out of some obligation. These situations often include things such as the bride feels the friend/family member isn't being supportive enough, or the friend/family member feels bitter about having to spend money or time they didn't want to.  I think people *know* when they are asked to do something out of obligation.

Blood/ familial marriage ties do not always mean everyone is going to be a big happy bunch of bffs afterwards.

My dad's sister asked my mom (her SIL) to be her MOH at her wedding. My parents are now divorced and my dad has a new SO, so my mom no longer attends our family functions on that side, unless it pertains directly to us kids. But even still, though my aunt and mom get along, I wouldn't call them friends, even when my parents were married. Just because my aunt asked my mom to be in her WP didn't create this magical relationship.

The bolded is something I have experience with. My SIL, who is married to my second oldest brother, asked me to be her MOH because she had no other friends she could ask. Our relationship is rocky because of her being a major drama llama and it has also strained my relationship with my brother.

Honestly, I wish she hadn't asked it of me. I was 19 and in college when she asked me. I felt obligated to do things that I was told the MOH did. I wish I could go back and say no.

redoryx

Knottie1437418780 said:

While it is wonderful to have your nearest and dearest standing with you, bridal parties are not always as simple.  Being that you only have 1 BM, that should make it easier to avoid conflict, provided your FI only has 1 next to him.  If he is having more than one, you may need to brace yourself for family politics.

What is your FI's preference?  Is he okay with his sisters not being in the WP?  How would his family react?  His answer will allow you gauge the importance of their inclusion.  If the answer is he prefers them to be in it, and his family would not react well, they need to be in the WP.  End of story.  You do not want to start out your marriage with your in-laws on a bad note.  These decisions you make now will most likely impact your relationship with them for the rest of your life.

Honestly, it doesn't matter "who's side" they stand on.  Remember, the wedding party stands with BOTH of you in support of the marriage, not just an individual.  It would be kind of crappy to have someone in the WP who is only there to support one person, but not the person their friend is marrying.

I don't agree with the PP that it should only be the people you are close with presently.  There are other things to take into consideration. I think you have to consider the relationships that will come out of your marriage.  You may not be close with them presently, but it does not mean that in a few years you won't be. If you want to have a close relationship with them in the future, this is a step that you may need to take.

Also, your not being a BM for the older sister should not be a major deciding factor.  When she was married, you were not technically family.  Your position will now be permanent.

Your FI's answers and input will be a better guide than we could be.  

If the OP's FI and his family care that much, he can put his sisters on his side. 

End of story. 

Jen4948

I was my SIL's bridesmaid out of "obligation." While I get along fine with her, I'm not someone she would ever ask for help burying a body in the middle of the night, nor is she someone I would ever ask for such help. It didn't create a "bonding" experience between us and in fact was a major PITA for me because she and my brother scheduled their wedding for the heart of tax season (I'm an accountant) and I had to get special permission to attend the wedding from the company I worked for back then. At my current job, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gotten that permission.

I reiterate: don't choose someone because of "family politics" or "future relationships." Nobody ever likes to be asked for those reasons, especially if you wouldn't have asked them otherwise. If someone expects to be asked and isn't, they can grow up and get over it. Only ask siblings IL to be if you already feel really close to them - not to please someone else.

Jen4948

charcoalandblush said:

JaxInBlue said:

Best advice: ask the people to be attendants that you would call at 2 AM to help you "bury the body" aka your nearest and dearest.  If those people don't include your FSILs, then you aren't under an obligation to ask them.  They can be included in your wedding in other ways - they could be groomswomen (if it is important to your FI that they participate as attendants) or you could ask them to do readings during your ceremony.

I would keep in mind, though, that being a bridesmaid or not isn't a tit-for-tat relationship.  Just because you were or were not a bridesmaid for someone, doesn't automatically qualify or disqualify them from being a bridesmaid for you. 

As a final aside, as easy as it is to say that you don't have to include them, or that they can stand with your FI, I completely get that family politics and opinions can go in an entirely different direction.  Regardless of what you decide to do in terms of your FSILs participation in your wedding, I would make sure you and FI are on the same page about expectations so that this isn't a "you" decision but an "us" decision.

Totally agree with this. Possibly an unpopular opinion, but sometimes it's easier to keep the peace even if you aren't particularly close and just include her in your bridal party if you think there's a chance that she/his family will make a huge deal out of it.

Choosing someone to "keep the peace" whom you would not otherwise choose usually creates more drama.

huskypuppy14

Knottie1437418780 said:

While it is wonderful to have your nearest and dearest standing with you, bridal parties are not always as simple.  Being that you only have 1 BM, that should make it easier to avoid conflict, provided your FI only has 1 next to him.  If he is having more than one, you may need to brace yourself for family politics.

What is your FI's preference?  Is he okay with his sisters not being in the WP?  How would his family react?  His answer will allow you gauge the importance of their inclusion.  If the answer is he prefers them to be in it, and his family would not react well, they need to be in the WP.  End of story.  You do not want to start out your marriage with your in-laws on a bad note.  These decisions you make now will most likely impact your relationship with them for the rest of your life.

Honestly, it doesn't matter "who's side" they stand on.  Remember, the wedding party stands with BOTH of you in support of the marriage, not just an individual.  It would be kind of crappy to have someone in the WP who is only there to support one person, but not the person their friend is marrying.

I don't agree with the PP that it should only be the people you are close with presently.  There are other things to take into consideration. I think you have to consider the relationships that will come out of your marriage.  You may not be close with them presently, but it does not mean that in a few years you won't be. If you want to have a close relationship with them in the future, this is a step that you may need to take.

Also, your not being a BM for the older sister should not be a major deciding factor.  When she was married, you were not technically family.  Your position will now be permanent.

Your FI's answers and input will be a better guide than we could be.  

Right, so if it's so important to his family that SIL is in the wedding party, she can be on the grooms side. No reason to separate sides by sex.

It also doesn't matter if he has 2 or more people on his side. If she has one person, and that is all she wants, that is the bride's decision.

There are many things with wedding planning where you need to take other's opinions into consideration, but the wedding party is not one of them.

charcoalandblush

Jen4948 said:

charcoalandblush said:

JaxInBlue said:

Best advice: ask the people to be attendants that you would call at 2 AM to help you "bury the body" aka your nearest and dearest.  If those people don't include your FSILs, then you aren't under an obligation to ask them.  They can be included in your wedding in other ways - they could be groomswomen (if it is important to your FI that they participate as attendants) or you could ask them to do readings during your ceremony.

I would keep in mind, though, that being a bridesmaid or not isn't a tit-for-tat relationship.  Just because you were or were not a bridesmaid for someone, doesn't automatically qualify or disqualify them from being a bridesmaid for you. 

As a final aside, as easy as it is to say that you don't have to include them, or that they can stand with your FI, I completely get that family politics and opinions can go in an entirely different direction.  Regardless of what you decide to do in terms of your FSILs participation in your wedding, I would make sure you and FI are on the same page about expectations so that this isn't a "you" decision but an "us" decision.

Totally agree with this. Possibly an unpopular opinion, but sometimes it's easier to keep the peace even if you aren't particularly close and just include her in your bridal party if you think there's a chance that she/his family will make a huge deal out of it.

Choosing someone to "keep the peace" whom you would not otherwise choose usually creates more drama.

I disagree with this as a blanket statement. I picked FSIL because DF said that she and FMIL would have been heartbroken if I didn't. We're not particularly close. There are probably 6 other people I would have picked before her. But there has been no drama... she's been just like the rest of my bridesmaids who are my BFFs. Given me advice when I asked for it (she got married last year), called me a few times to check in on wedding plans and see how things were going, she even offered to take off work the day before my wedding to help out with last minute details. She's not truly one of my nearest and dearest, but she has been a gem throughout the whole planning process. And there would have been WAY more drama if I hadn't asked her. I definitely understand what you're saying, and that is certainly the case in some situations. But I don't think you can say it's "usually" the case.

Another example: My cousin got married maybe 6 or 7 years ago. When we were little kids and even teenagers, we always said we would be in each others weddings. When she got engaged, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. We had drifted apart a lot since I left for college and rarely spoke anymore (maybe twice a year). I honestly felt like she asked me out of obligation, because we had made that promise to each other so many times as kids. But I also had never been a "real" bridesmaid before (only a "junior" bridesmaid) and was excited to spend more time with my cousin and her friends, so I said yes. I didn't "create drama" just because I felt like my cousin asked me to keep my feelings from being hurt.

Jen4948

charcoalandblush said:

Jen4948 said:

charcoalandblush said:

JaxInBlue said:

Best advice: ask the people to be attendants that you would call at 2 AM to help you "bury the body" aka your nearest and dearest.  If those people don't include your FSILs, then you aren't under an obligation to ask them.  They can be included in your wedding in other ways - they could be groomswomen (if it is important to your FI that they participate as attendants) or you could ask them to do readings during your ceremony.

I would keep in mind, though, that being a bridesmaid or not isn't a tit-for-tat relationship.  Just because you were or were not a bridesmaid for someone, doesn't automatically qualify or disqualify them from being a bridesmaid for you. 

As a final aside, as easy as it is to say that you don't have to include them, or that they can stand with your FI, I completely get that family politics and opinions can go in an entirely different direction.  Regardless of what you decide to do in terms of your FSILs participation in your wedding, I would make sure you and FI are on the same page about expectations so that this isn't a "you" decision but an "us" decision.

Totally agree with this. Possibly an unpopular opinion, but sometimes it's easier to keep the peace even if you aren't particularly close and just include her in your bridal party if you think there's a chance that she/his family will make a huge deal out of it.

Choosing someone to "keep the peace" whom you would not otherwise choose usually creates more drama.

I disagree with this as a blanket statement. I picked FSIL because DF said that she and FMIL would have been heartbroken if I didn't. We're not particularly close. There are probably 6 other people I would have picked before her. But there has been no drama... she's been just like the rest of my bridesmaids who are my BFFs. Given me advice when I asked for it (she got married last year), called me a few times to check in on wedding plans and see how things were going, she even offered to take off work the day before my wedding to help out with last minute details. She's not truly one of my nearest and dearest, but she has been a gem throughout the whole planning process. And there would have been WAY more drama if I hadn't asked her. I definitely understand what you're saying, and that is certainly the case in some situations. But I don't think you can say it's "usually" the case.

Another example: My cousin got married maybe 6 or 7 years ago. When we were little kids and even teenagers, we always said we would be in each others weddings. When she got engaged, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. We had drifted apart a lot since I left for college and rarely spoke anymore (maybe twice a year). I honestly felt like she asked me out of obligation, because we had made that promise to each other so many times as kids. But I also had never been a "real" bridesmaid before (only a "junior" bridesmaid) and was excited to spend more time with my cousin and her friends, so I said yes. I didn't "create drama" just because I felt like my cousin asked me to keep my feelings from being hurt.

Here's the thing: whether or not it "usually" or however often creates drama to choose someone solely to "keep the peace," you are as stuck with that person in your wedding party as if this were someone you would have asked no matter what (not to mention you also have to invite their SO). And if this isn't someone you already feel close to and who you know for sure supports you and your FI's desire to get married, asking them will make them feel at best awkward and at worst hostile, neither of which are how you want anyone to feel about being in your wedding party.

And if this person creates drama, shutting it down creates even more drama between you and the third parties who put pressure on you to ask this person (and probably pressured that person to agree to it).

All that is not IMO worth it to "keep the peace" - and if it creates more drama, asking them is counterproductive, your personal experiences notwithstanding.

When all is said and done, the decision of who to ask is not an "us" decision. Others may be disappointed by that, but they get no say and need to get over it because to create any drama is childish and unnecessarily hurtful.