Uncomfortable with Parents Contribution

Knottie1436294168

This past weekend my parents (Bride) and my fiance's parents got together to discuss what I have so far as far as wedding plans and what they can do to help. We are getting married next spring and have already worked out a lot of details under the assumption we would be paying most the of the costs. 

We want an intimate and affordable wedding. Neither one of us wanted 100+ guests and a big formal affair. We had planned for 60 people for an adults only ceremony and reception at my parent's farm and this is what I've wanted. 

Well Saturday my fiance's parents handed us a check. It was a for a lot more than I planned to spend on the entire wedding. And immediately with the check came pressure on the size of the guest list and some of the informal things we want. I want to give the check back becasue it is too much and I do not want to loose control over the size and scope of our wedding. My finace is not so keen to giving it back but he's not super comfortable with it either. 

I am not sure what to do. His parents want a big formal event where they can show us off. We want something smaller and economical. I would rather pay for it all with his parents helping on a few things like covering a rehearsal dinner. 

Do we give back the check to preserve control or is that offensive? If we keep it does that mean I am doomed to be in a Bride's guest list 20 and groom 80+ full of cousins and family friends we don't even really know becasue the Groom's parents are paying for it?

Do I lose other leverage like where the wedding is located and who will officiate (other sticking points of the groom's parents) if we don't give it back and the groom's parents feel like they are paying for it?

AddieCake

I say give it back. I'm a firm believer that nobody should have to have the wedding their parents want as opposed to the one they want.

[Deleted User]

Unfortunately, money comes with strings, and yes, if the parents are contributing they do get a say.  And honestly, some parents will expect to have more control than others if they are writing the check.  Your best move would be to politely decline the money, and then plan the wedding that you and your FI can afford to pay entirely, with no help from his parents at all.  Because even if his parents just cover a few things, they still get a say. 

msuprincess04

I'd give the check back. It's not rude to decline a nice a gift. And, yes, with someone else helping to pay, they end up with a say on how things are done. It sounds like you know what you want to do, and your FI is afraid that you'll be offending to disappointing his parents. As for the offense, there's nothing wrong with returning the check. As for the disappointment, they will have to get over it. It's not their wedding. I would simply return it and say "Thank you for your generosity, but we have the wedding covered. We just want you to come and enjoy yourselves."  There's no reason to go into why you are returning the check. However, it'll be on them to offer to still cover the rehearsal. If you return the check, they may assume none of their funds are necessary. 

MobKaz

Knottie1436294168 said:

This past weekend my parents (Bride) and my fiance's parents got together to discuss what I have so far as far as wedding plans and what they can do to help. We are getting married next spring and have already worked out a lot of details under the assumption we would be paying most the of the costs. 

We want an intimate and affordable wedding. Neither one of us wanted 100+ guests and a big formal affair. We had planned for 60 people for an adults only ceremony and reception at my parent's farm and this is what I've wanted. 

Well Saturday my fiance's parents handed us a check. It was a for a lot more than I planned to spend on the entire wedding. And immediately with the check came pressure on the size of the guest list and some of the informal things we want. I want to give the check back becasue it is too much and I do not want to loose control over the size and scope of our wedding. My finace is not so keen to giving it back but he's not super comfortable with it either. 

I am not sure what to do. His parents want a big formal event where they can show us off. We want something smaller and economical. I would rather pay for it all with his parents helping on a few things like covering a rehearsal dinner. 

Do we give back the check to preserve control or is that offensive? If we keep it does that mean I am doomed to be in a Bride's guest list 20 and groom 80+ full of cousins and family friends we don't even really know becasue the Groom's parents are paying for it?

Do I lose other leverage like where the wedding is located and who will officiate (other sticking points of the groom's parents) if we don't give it back and the groom's parents feel like they are paying for it?

In addition to what other posters have already said, the bolded ^^ is what got my heart racing.  NO ONE should dictate your actual ceremony, regardless of monetary input. 

This is the first of MANY life decisions you and your FI will need to make as a family.  You two need to set the tone as to how often you want your FIL's controlling/dictating your life choices.  Your FI needs to let his parents know that you and he are a family unit now.

You are at the initial stage of your wedding planning and it is already being twisted and pulled into directions you have no desire for it to go.  Stop the madness now. 

Liatris2010

If you give the check back I think they will be unlikely to host the rehearsal dinner. I agree that you should not accept the check, but you cannot return it and suggest an alternate gift (rehearsal dinner).

Jen4948

Give it back.

Together with your FI, tell his parents, "Thank you for the money, but because we have such different visions of what we want the wedding to be, we've decided to return the money and plan our wedding using our own funds."

But don't expect them to host a rehearsal dinner. It's not their responsibility.

Maggie0829

Give the check back.

novella1186

For the love of god give the check back. This will not go well for you. 

My super controlling dad offered to contribute to our wedding. We wanted to invite 90 ppl or less and have something more simple and intimate. Thanks to my dad and his tantrums (and him holding his money over our heads) we ended up inviting 200 ppl. Everything got out of control. 

The best part is, he was so demanding and so awful to deal with that in the end, we declined his money and were then scrambling to try to figure out how to pay for everything ourselves after he had inflated our guest list. 

If I could get in a time machine, I would have declined his money from the get-go so that he didn't have the control and then we wouldn't have been so stressed and miserable. He stressed me out so bad I was in therapy. H and I were really disappointed with how that all played out. It wasn't worth it. 

Plan the small intimate wedding that you and your FI want, and decline any and all money from your in-laws. 

ETF word fail 

Pupatella

I am also in agreement of not accepting the check.  Please do it in person, and have a heart to heart with your parents.  "We are so shocked and appreciative that you want to contribute to our wedding.  The check that you have written to us is way too much for the wedding we have envisioned.  We would really like to pay for our own wedding, and plan it the way that is right for the two of us".

If your parents insist on paying for something, I love the thought of countering with having them pay for the rehearsal dinner, which then just keep in mind they would have input into.

My Mom gave me a check for the wedding, which I gave back to her with a similar speech.  Just be prepared for the tears.  I stuck to my guns though.  She ended up going shopping with me, and paying for my wedding dress as an alternative.  I have to say that I ended up getting a phenomenal gown that I wasn't originally planning on!!  Fast forward a few months, and my Mom is telling everyone how proud she is of us that we are paying for our own wedding by ourselves.  It worked out!! 

Good luck!!

kimmiinthemitten

MobKaz said:

Knottie1436294168 said:

This past weekend my parents (Bride) and my fiance's parents got together to discuss what I have so far as far as wedding plans and what they can do to help. We are getting married next spring and have already worked out a lot of details under the assumption we would be paying most the of the costs. 

We want an intimate and affordable wedding. Neither one of us wanted 100+ guests and a big formal affair. We had planned for 60 people for an adults only ceremony and reception at my parent's farm and this is what I've wanted. 

Well Saturday my fiance's parents handed us a check. It was a for a lot more than I planned to spend on the entire wedding. And immediately with the check came pressure on the size of the guest list and some of the informal things we want. I want to give the check back becasue it is too much and I do not want to loose control over the size and scope of our wedding. My finace is not so keen to giving it back but he's not super comfortable with it either. 

I am not sure what to do. His parents want a big formal event where they can show us off. We want something smaller and economical. I would rather pay for it all with his parents helping on a few things like covering a rehearsal dinner. 

Do we give back the check to preserve control or is that offensive? If we keep it does that mean I am doomed to be in a Bride's guest list 20 and groom 80+ full of cousins and family friends we don't even really know becasue the Groom's parents are paying for it?

Do I lose other leverage like where the wedding is located and who will officiate (other sticking points of the groom's parents) if we don't give it back and the groom's parents feel like they are paying for it?

In addition to what other posters have already said, the bolded ^^ is what got my heart racing.  NO ONE should dictate your actual ceremony, regardless of monetary input. 

This is the first of MANY life decisions you and your FI will need to make as a family.  You two need to set the tone as to how often you want your FIL's controlling/dictating your life choices.  Your FI needs to let his parents know that you and he are a family unit now.

You are at the initial stage of your wedding planning and it is already being twisted and pulled into directions you have no desire for it to go.  Stop the madness now. 

QFT!

We're battling this with FMIL as well because she thinks she's the third negotiating arm of our relationship.  She is not.  If you allow other people to dictate the only part of the day that actually results in you being married, be prepared for the same people to think they have a say in pretty much everything else for the rest of your life.  Your ceremony is the most personal part of the day and no one has a say except for FI and you.

onefootinthebayou

Give it back.  Although generous monetarily, it will be used to control you and your FI's wedding plans, which is not OK.

Also, if I read your OP right, it is your FI's parents who gave the check, which means he needs to broker the conversation in giving it back.  As PP pointed out, this is the first of many major life decisions the two of you will make together.  Set the foundation of your independence by graciously thanking them but sending a strong message that you will do this (plan and pay) on your own.  The trappings and swag that money will bring will dress up the room but leave you feeling hollow when you look around and see twice as many people invited than the intimate ceremony and party you envisioned.  

southernbelle0915

Give the check back/don't cash it, and host the wedding you want. No more financial meetings between the parents. It's awkward and unnecessary.

"Wow y'all! Thank you so much for offering to help us out like this. We really can't accept it though. We have everything covered, but thank you! So, we heard about the storm that rolled through last week...everything OK at your place?"

climbingsingle

Absolutely 100% give it back. 

SP29

I would give the check back. This money is coming with strings.

Yes, if they contribute, they do have a say. I agree, stop it now before the wedding spins out of control. A couple of PPs gave you some good wording already on what to say about that.

If you give them back the check, you cannot then ask them to host the rehearsal dinner instead. However, if they offer, or tell you they want to help, the rehearsal dinner may be a good idea to let them have. But again realize, if they are hosting it, they have control over the event, including how many get invited. So if similarly, you wanted something small, just the WP and their SOs, you may want to keep control of this event too.

Please, do not let someone take control of your ceremony. What happens in the ceremony- where it is, who officiates, what type of ceremony you have, the WP members, who walks you down the aisle, and what you and FI wear- is ENTIRELY up to you and your FI.

CMGragain

My BIL is very successful in the business world.  He is the CEO of a large bank.  Both his daughter have confided that they plan to elope because they don't want Daddy to turn their weddings into a circus for him to show off to his business associates.  Daddy is gonna be pissed!
Stick to your guns and plan the wedding that you want.

Knottie1436294168

Thank you everyone for the feedback! And I feel pretty resolved to give that check back. I have no expectation of them covering anything. My parents had already told me they were not going to be paying for the wedding. My mom offered to buy my dress and help with alcohol becasue she felt having a fully open bar was important (I suggested an hour open then cash after) and obviously letting us use their back yard for the venue which certainly comes with added stress to them is a big help!

When my fiance's parents offered to help I figure they might help out with a few things too, like my mother, since we are both well employed independent adults. I was shocked with what we got. We are financially able to cover the entire event we envision so if this means his parents end up contributing nothing, that is completely fine with me! I do not want his mother to take over and turn this into a groom side family reunion of 100+ people!

Maggie0829

Knottie1436294168 said:

Thank you everyone for the feedback! And I feel pretty resolved to give that check back. I have no expectation of them covering anything. My parents had already told me they were not going to be paying for the wedding. My mom offered to buy my dress and help with alcohol becasue she felt having a fully open bar was important (I suggested an hour open then cash after) and obviously letting us use their back yard for the venue which certainly comes with added stress to them is a big help!

When my fiance's parents offered to help I figure they might help out with a few things too, like my mother, since we are both well employed independent adults. I was shocked with what we got. We are financially able to cover the entire event we envision so if this means his parents end up contributing nothing, that is completely fine with me! I do not want his mother to take over and turn this into a groom side family reunion of 100+ people!

Just FYI the bolded would be very rude to your guests.  Your guests should never happen to open their wallets at your wedding.  So if you want alcohol then you have to pay/host it all.  If you cannot afford to host alcohol for the entire event then you should have a dry wedding.  But if you went ahead and accepted money from your parents for this then it is a moot point.  Just figured I would point it out for any lurkers out there.

AddieCake

No cash bars!

lyndausvi

AddieCake said:

No cash bars!

especially one in the backyard of the parent's house.    Assuming you are buying the alcohol (why wouldn't you? it's much cheaper) it would be pretty tacky to profit off your guests.

[Deleted User]

lyndausvi said:

AddieCake said:

No cash bars!

especially one in the backyard of the parent's house.    Assuming you are buying the alcohol (why wouldn't you? it's much cheaper) it would be pretty tacky to profit off your guests.

No.  No cash bars at all.  The end.  Not "especially" anything.  You do not charge people for things you're giving them as a host of a party.  You going to charge me for a glass of wine I have when you invite me over to watch Scandal at your place?  Or, you'll give me the first glass for free, but require me to pay for the second?  Gross.  No cash bar.  Certainly no bait-and-switch cash bar which is what you're doing when you start off with an open bar then switch to a cash bar.  NO CASH BAR.

lyndausvi

adk19 said:

lyndausvi said:

AddieCake said:

No cash bars!

especially one in the backyard of the parent's house.    Assuming you are buying the alcohol (why wouldn't you? it's much cheaper) it would be pretty tacky to profit off your guests.

No.  No cash bars at all.  The end.  Not "especially" anything.  You do not charge people for things you're giving them as a host of a party.  You going to charge me for a glass of wine I have when you invite me over to watch Scandal at your place?  Or, you'll give me the first glass for free, but require me to pay for the second?  Gross.  No cash bar.  Certainly no bait-and-switch cash bar which is what you're doing when you start off with an open bar then switch to a cash bar.  NO CASH BAR.

I'm very anti-cash bar.  I've only been to one actually and I was annoyed.  However, I'm pretty sure I would walk-out of a cash bar at a home.  It's one thing for a venue to make money.  It's completely different for the hosts and/or owners of the home to collect money from me for a drink.  So that is why I said "especially".    

MGP

lyndausvi said:

adk19 said:

lyndausvi said:

AddieCake said:

No cash bars!

especially one in the backyard of the parent's house.    Assuming you are buying the alcohol (why wouldn't you? it's much cheaper) it would be pretty tacky to profit off your guests.

No.  No cash bars at all.  The end.  Not "especially" anything.  You do not charge people for things you're giving them as a host of a party.  You going to charge me for a glass of wine I have when you invite me over to watch Scandal at your place?  Or, you'll give me the first glass for free, but require me to pay for the second?  Gross.  No cash bar.  Certainly no bait-and-switch cash bar which is what you're doing when you start off with an open bar then switch to a cash bar.  NO CASH BAR.


I'm very anti-cash bar.  I've only been to one actually and I was annoyed.  However, I'm pretty sure I would walk-out of a cash bar at a home.  It's one thing for a venue to make money.  It's completely different for the hosts and/or owners of the home to collect money from me for a drink.  So that is why I said "especially".    

---------

If I attended a cash bar or a "bait and switch first hour free then cash bar" wedding AT SOMEONE'S HOME I would leave, immediately, take my gift with me, and never speak to them again. It wouldnt matter if it were my own sibling, trying to profit off guests is the most horrendous thing a couple can do. Just speculating here - maybe OP's in laws generously offered money not just to add on their guests but maybe also to help cover the bar and save themselves from embarassment?

Who had the big revolving purple "NO" gif? It is needed right about now.

[Deleted User]

lyndausvi said:

adk19 said:

lyndausvi said:

AddieCake said:

No cash bars!

especially one in the backyard of the parent's house.    Assuming you are buying the alcohol (why wouldn't you? it's much cheaper) it would be pretty tacky to profit off your guests.

No.  No cash bars at all.  The end.  Not "especially" anything.  You do not charge people for things you're giving them as a host of a party.  You going to charge me for a glass of wine I have when you invite me over to watch Scandal at your place?  Or, you'll give me the first glass for free, but require me to pay for the second?  Gross.  No cash bar.  Certainly no bait-and-switch cash bar which is what you're doing when you start off with an open bar then switch to a cash bar.  NO CASH BAR.

I'm very anti-cash bar.  I've only been to one actually and I was annoyed.  However, I'm pretty sure I would walk-out of a cash bar at a home.  It's one thing for a venue to make money.  It's completely different for the hosts and/or owners of the home to collect money from me for a drink.  So that is why I said "especially".    

Understand.  And concur.

Jen4948

adk19 said:

lyndausvi said:

adk19 said:

lyndausvi said:

AddieCake said:

No cash bars!

especially one in the backyard of the parent's house.    Assuming you are buying the alcohol (why wouldn't you? it's much cheaper) it would be pretty tacky to profit off your guests.

No.  No cash bars at all.  The end.  Not "especially" anything.  You do not charge people for things you're giving them as a host of a party.  You going to charge me for a glass of wine I have when you invite me over to watch Scandal at your place?  Or, you'll give me the first glass for free, but require me to pay for the second?  Gross.  No cash bar.  Certainly no bait-and-switch cash bar which is what you're doing when you start off with an open bar then switch to a cash bar.  NO CASH BAR.

I'm very anti-cash bar.  I've only been to one actually and I was annoyed.  However, I'm pretty sure I would walk-out of a cash bar at a home.  It's one thing for a venue to make money.  It's completely different for the hosts and/or owners of the home to collect money from me for a drink.  So that is why I said "especially".    


Understand.  And concur.

Cosigned. Lose the cash bar.

onefootinthebayou

MGP said:

adk19 said:

lyndausvi said:

AddieCake said:

No cash bars!

especially one in the backyard of the parent's house.    Assuming you are buying the alcohol (why wouldn't you? it's much cheaper) it would be pretty tacky to profit off your guests.

No.  No cash bars at all.  The end.  Not "especially" anything.  You do not charge people for things you're giving them as a host of a party.  You going to charge me for a glass of wine I have when you invite me over to watch Scandal at your place?  Or, you'll give me the first glass for free, but require me to pay for the second?  Gross.  No cash bar.  Certainly no bait-and-switch cash bar which is what you're doing when you start off with an open bar then switch to a cash bar.  NO CASH BAR.

I'm very anti-cash bar.  I've only been to one actually and I was annoyed.  However, I'm pretty sure I would walk-out of a cash bar at a home.  It's one thing for a venue to make money.  It's completely different for the hosts and/or owners of the home to collect money from me for a drink.  So that is why I said "especially".    

--------- If I attended a cash bar or a "bait and switch first hour free then cash bar" wedding AT SOMEONE'S HOME I would leave, immediately, take my gift with me, and never speak to them again. It wouldnt matter if it were my own sibling, trying to profit off guests is the most horrendous thing a couple can do. Just speculating here - maybe OP's in laws generously offered money not just to add on their guests but maybe also to help cover the bar and save themselves from embarassment? Who had the big revolving purple "NO" gif? It is needed right about now.

QFT!

OP, there's a thread on Cash Bars on the Etiquette board.  Definitely worth a read.  It will change your life.  

kimmiinthemitten

MGP said:

adk19 said:

lyndausvi said:

AddieCake said:

No cash bars!

especially one in the backyard of the parent's house.    Assuming you are buying the alcohol (why wouldn't you? it's much cheaper) it would be pretty tacky to profit off your guests.

No.  No cash bars at all.  The end.  Not "especially" anything.  You do not charge people for things you're giving them as a host of a party.  You going to charge me for a glass of wine I have when you invite me over to watch Scandal at your place?  Or, you'll give me the first glass for free, but require me to pay for the second?  Gross.  No cash bar.  Certainly no bait-and-switch cash bar which is what you're doing when you start off with an open bar then switch to a cash bar.  NO CASH BAR.

I'm very anti-cash bar.  I've only been to one actually and I was annoyed.  However, I'm pretty sure I would walk-out of a cash bar at a home.  It's one thing for a venue to make money.  It's completely different for the hosts and/or owners of the home to collect money from me for a drink.  So that is why I said "especially".    

--------- If I attended a cash bar or a "bait and switch first hour free then cash bar" wedding AT SOMEONE'S HOME I would leave, immediately, take my gift with me, and never speak to them again. It wouldnt matter if it were my own sibling, trying to profit off guests is the most horrendous thing a couple can do. Just speculating here - maybe OP's in laws generously offered money not just to add on their guests but maybe also to help cover the bar and save themselves from embarassment? Who had the big revolving purple "NO" gif? It is needed right about now.

------------BOX----------------------------

In addition to being tacky and rude selling booze anywhere in Michigan without a liquor license is illegal, and could get your parents and the bartender in deep trouble (misdemeanor + heavy fines).  I wouldn't be surprised if this is illegal in many places.

zitiqueen

Knottie1436294168 said:

Thank you everyone for the feedback! And I feel pretty resolved to give that check back. I have no expectation of them covering anything. My parents had already told me they were not going to be paying for the wedding. My mom offered to buy my dress and help with alcohol becasue she felt having a fully open bar was important (I suggested an hour open then cash after) and obviously letting us use their back yard for the venue which certainly comes with added stress to them is a big help!

When my fiance's parents offered to help I figure they might help out with a few things too, like my mother, since we are both well employed independent adults. I was shocked with what we got. We are financially able to cover the entire event we envision so if this means his parents end up contributing nothing, that is completely fine with me! I do not want his mother to take over and turn this into a groom side family reunion of 100+ people!

I hope you understand that it needs to be your FI who actually hands the check back to his parents and explains that neither of you are comfortable accepting their money.

[Deleted User]

Another vote for giving it back and saying thank you, we appreciate the gesture, but we've got this. What you may want to do is to find a venue that you can afford that can only accomodate the number you would be inviting. So trying to find a place that can say accomodate around 75 people (gives you a little wiggle room then with guest list). This way, you can tell each set of parents, that you are allowed to invite x amount of people. If one parent doesn't need their full count, then you have the freedom to give the other side more guests. By doing this, if they come back and say, we need to add another 30 people to the list, you can honestly say, I'm sorry, but the venue that we have booked will only accomodate 75 (or whatever amount) of people so we aren't going to be able to invite that many additional people. But what is nice if you get a place with a little wiggle room on space, if they come back & say we need space for 1 or 2 more couples, if you want, you can accomodate them.