Moms and Maids

Honoring sister-in-laws

edited August 2015 in Moms and Maids
I'm in a sticky situation. Not sure how to make my brother's wife and finance's brother's wife feel special. Here's the facts: I have no sisters of my own so they are the closest thing I have. We're close but not exactly besties. I already have TEN friends who I asked to be bridesmaids (having no sisters has made all my friends a really important part of my life). PLUS one of my sister-in-laws is pregnant and one JUST had a baby. (They are the first grandchildren in either side of the family so it's a big deal - maybe I could honor them too?). My main reason for not making them bridesmaids is the baby thing. I know they are already going to be stressed taking care of the babies. Plus there is no way I can have 12 bridesmaids. So what do I do? How can I make them feel special? They are technically my only "sisters".... Oh and I guess I should also mention that I was a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding last year so I'm worried his wife is hurt that I didn't ask her to be one since I was one for her... Ugh this is all so complicated HALPPPPP. Ps my wedding is in one year. Update: just wanted to clarify I'm not exactly looking for advice on whether or not to include them as BMs. I already decided that was a no. But more looking for ideas or gifts or just some special way to show them they are important to me. Not necessarily AT the wedding or anything. Just a cool "sisters" idea I guess? Thanks for the responses!

Re: Honoring sister-in-laws

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Why can't you have 12 bridesmaids? There's no etiquette rule limiting the number of bridesmaids you can have.

    That said, there's also no etiquette rule requiring you to ask people just because they are or will be related to you. If your FSILs aren't already close to you, you don't need to ask them.

    My standard: if you have to ask strangers if you should ask someone you don't feel is one of the closest persons in your life to be in your wedding party, then no, you shouldn't ask that person unless you really want to, because if you do, they accept, and then anything goes wrong between you, you're stuck with them in your wedding party. Once you ask someone, you can't ask them to step down without risking your relationship with them, so don't ask them solely to make third parties happy or try to use being in your wedding party as a "bonding experience" if you don't already have that kind of relationship with the person in question.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm in a sticky situation. Not sure how to make my brother's wife and finance's brother's wife feel special. Here's the facts: I have no sisters of my own so they are the closest thing I have. We're close but not exactly besties. I already have TEN friends who I asked to be bridesmaids (having no sisters has made all my friends a really important part of my life). PLUS one of my sister-in-laws is pregnant and one JUST had a baby. (They are the first grandchildren in either side of the family so it's a big deal - maybe I could honor them too?). My main reason for not making them bridesmaids is the baby thing. I know they are already going to be stressed taking care of the babies. Plus there is no way I can have 12 bridesmaids. So what do I do? How can I make them feel special? They are technically my only "sisters".... Oh and I guess I should also mention that I was a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding last year so I'm worried his wife is hurt that I didn't ask her to be one since I was one for her... Ugh this is all so complicated HALPPPPP. Ps my wedding is in one year.
    First weddings are not tit for tat.  Just because you were in your brothers wedding doesn't mean that you need to ask your SIL to be in yours.  And did it ever occur to you that she asked you because she felt some sort of obligation to do so, just like you feel some sort of obligation to make her feel special?

    Second, you are all adults.  Why do you feel like you have to make these two women feel special?  If you don't want to ask them to be BMs then don't.  They are still invited to the wedding, and if for some reason they get all butt hurt because they weren't included then that is their issue to get over.

    Third.  This is not complicated.  In fact this is pretty easy.  You don't want to ask them to be BMs so you don't ask them.  You invite them to your wedding like you are going to do with the rest of your guests.  The end.

    But I do think your reasoning for not asking them is a cop out.  They are more them capable of taking care of their children and being BMs in your wedding.  It seems to me that you don't want to ask them because you just don't want to ask them.  And that is perfectly fine.

    [Deleted User]
  • I don't know if your wedding is the right place to honor them - besides honoring them as guests, with all your other guests. 

    Instead, maybe arrange a girl's day sometime before the wedding to show them how much you care for them and give some real, dedicated time to building your relationship with them. Have your FI offer to care for the kids for the day, and ask them out to lunch, a spa day, a wine tasting - whatever treat they wouldn't usually have time for with their little ones underfoot, and that all 3 of you would enjoy. Something like that would be very meaningful, I think.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    My standard: if you have to ask strangers if you should ask someone you don't feel is one of the closest persons in your life to be in your wedding party, then no, you shouldn't ask that person unless you really want to, because if you do, they accept, and then anything goes wrong between you, you're stuck with them in your wedding party. Once you ask someone, you can't ask them to step down without risking your relationship with them, so don't ask them solely to make third parties happy or try to use being in your wedding party as a "bonding experience" if you don't already have that kind of relationship with the person in question.
    I also agree with the bolded.  I find when brides come on here wondering if they should ask so and so to be in their wedding then they already know the answer is a big fat no.  It should be automatic when it comes time to deciding who you want to ask to be in your wedding.

  • This is the one time where I think the advice of "it's you and your FI's day" comes into play.  Why does everyone feel they have to "honor" other people at their own wedding?  FI has a sister, I'll probably get her a corsage, but that's about it.  We get along fine but it never even occurred to me to ask her to be a bridesmaid.

    I also 100% agree with Maggie.  If you have to ask, it's a no.  I knew 100% from the second I got engaged (and even before that) who my MOH would be.  She was also the 2nd person I called after I called my mom to tell her about the engagement.  Unless someone has those kinds of qualifications, I don't think you should ask them to be in your wedding party.  
    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • Thanks both! I totally agree with what you're saying and you're right I don't want them to be BMs. I already asked all my BMs and not planning on adding the sister in laws. I'm more just wondering if there's a way to show them they are important to me without including the wedding party.
  • Agree with PPs.  Ask them if you truly want to honor them and value them.  Don't ask them if you don't feel close enough to them.  But be honest with yourself about your reasons for doing either.

    Other things you could do: ask them to do readings during your ceremony; get them a corsage to wear on your wedding day; invite them to have their hair/nails/make-up done with you; seat them in the front row during your ceremony; get a special picture with each of them.
    image
    Anniversary


  • Sorry to be snarky, but it's sisterS-in-law.  It's the sisters that are multiples, not the laws.
    Parents in law
    mothers in law
    brothers in law
    etc.
    thespeshulestsnowflakesparklepants41
  • mrscomposermrscomposer Mani-snow-ba member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    One of my bridesmaids had a one-month old baby at my wedding.  Not a big deal.  Your issue is not that your in-laws will have young children - your issue is that you just don't want them as bridesmaids.

    And that's fine.  If you wanted them as bridesmaids, you'd have them - regardless of what number they would be.

    When my husband's brother gets married, I will be shocked if his FI asks me to be a bridesmaid.  I absolutely adore her, and we have a ton of fun when we're together, but she has her own life and her own friends.  Just because she doesn't have a sister of her own doesn't mean I'm expecting to be in.

    If you want to include them at the wedding, they can be readers.  Or, they could just wear a corsage.  You can also just give them a gift as a thank you and an 'I love you'.

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
  • You could ask them to be readers. We asked my brother and my FI's sister to each do a reading during our ceremony. They will both be at the rehearsal dinner and be given gifts there as a thank you. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • What if you got them corsages. I'm not having either of my SIL's in my WP, and FI didn't ask either of our brother's, but we did buy them corsages and boutonnieres.And we're asking them to be our witnesses.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards