Gift grab?

notoriousRBGsBFF

I got an invite to a distant family member's wedding. Before I saw the STD, I had no clue she was engaged/seeing someone. That's how close we are. The save the date just came a couple weeks ago, about 9 weeks before the wedding. The invitation arrived about 3 weeks before the wedding, which is in another state. It feels like it's just an invitation to send a gift, and that the STD and invite would have been sent sooner if I was actually expected to attend. I'm not going, but should I even send a gift? I'm a little miffed by the whole thing. Thoughts?

SP29

My stance on gifts is that if I like you/ am close enough to want to attend your wedding, I like you enough that I'd *want* to give you a gift for your wedding.

If I were declining a wedding invitation because I just couldn't make it work (due to time, finances, travel, etc) I would still send a gift.

If I am declining the invitation because I'm not really close to the person and wasn't planning on attending regardless of the logistics, I wouldn't send a gift.

[Deleted User]

Unless the registry info is on the invite I wouldn't call it a gift grab per-say

notoriousRBGsBFF

Totally valid point, and one which I forgot to address. Registry info is on the invite.

Maggie0829

I wouldn't send a gift.  If I was feeling nice I may send a congratulatory card, but that is about it.

And yeah, this sounds either like a gift grab or you were b-listed which are both bad.

Jen4948

If you don't want to go or give a gift, then decline the invitation. Most people here would probably do the same.

If you do go, then you need to give a gift, but it doesn't have to be on the registry.

I don't think inviting distant cousins whom you don't see much by itself constitutes a gift grab, but a gift registry in a wedding invitation certainly does.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

If you don't want to go or give a gift, then decline the invitation. Most people here would probably do the same. If you do go, then you need to give a gift, but it doesn't have to be on the registry. I don't think inviting distant cousins whom you don't see much by itself constitutes a gift grab, but a gift registry in a wedding invitation certainly does.

No she doesn't.  Giving a gift is a voluntary thing.  No one is required to give a gift for a wedding.

[Deleted User]

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

If you don't want to go or give a gift, then decline the invitation. Most people here would probably do the same. If you do go, then you need to give a gift, but it doesn't have to be on the registry. I don't think inviting distant cousins whom you don't see much by itself constitutes a gift grab, but a gift registry in a wedding invitation certainly does.

No she doesn't.  Giving a gift is a voluntary thing.  No one is required to give a gift for a wedding.

Agreed.  Gifts are never required.

AddieCake

Do you WANT to send a gift? If so, send one. If not, don't. 

SP29

In general, being invited by a distant cousin is not weird. Some people do turn their weddings into family reunions.

The timing is kind of weird to me... not entirely red alarms, just odd.

As for a gift, entirely up to you if you'd like to give one or not. Myself, if I really don't know the person that well, I would probably decline and not send a gift.

MGP

scribe95 said:

You got a STD so you weren't B-listed. Since you were on notice nine weeks out with that I don't see a problem with the actual invite coming three weeks out.

I don't see why the timing is raising an issue at all. Now the registry info...

I have a sneaking suspicion OP was B listed. Unless it was a very short engagement who sends out STD's 9 weeks out and then sends invites 3 weeks out? Why not just send invites about 6 weeks out and call it a day?

The couple probably sent out their first wave of invites 3 - 4 months out, started to get declines and sent out a second wave after that, and possibly sending STD's to cover their tracks and make it not appear to be a B list. Because if they put registry info on the invite I wouldn't put it past them . . .

notoriousRBGsBFF

Yeah, to be honest I'm not 100% sure when the STD came. I was out of town for several weeks, and both the invite and STD were in a pile of mail when I got home. The envelope for the STD was gone so I couldn't look at the postmark. I am giving them the benefit of the doubt with 9 weeks because that would mean it got here right when I left. Regardless, the invite came too close to the STD. If not gift-grabby, the whole thing is at least awkward.

Oh, and to be clear: I'm not going to the wedding, and am leaning strongly against a gift.

Jen4948

adk19 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

If you don't want to go or give a gift, then decline the invitation. Most people here would probably do the same. If you do go, then you need to give a gift, but it doesn't have to be on the registry. I don't think inviting distant cousins whom you don't see much by itself constitutes a gift grab, but a gift registry in a wedding invitation certainly does.

No she doesn't.  Giving a gift is a voluntary thing.  No one is required to give a gift for a wedding.

Agreed.  Gifts are never required.

Yes and no.  Etiquette doesn't require that gifts be given and the couple can't use the lack of one as a barrier to attendance by a guest, but guests who do attend weddings are "expected" to give them as a sign of affection for the couple.  But in this case, there's no point in giving a gift.

indianaalum

9 weeks out seems fine to me. Doesn't seem b listed at all

julieanne912

I say no gift.  We've only gotten gifts from 2 people who aren't coming.... so I would think (hope) that these people are not expecting gifts from everyone who received an invite, coming or not.

Viczaesar

Jen4948 said:

adk19 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

If you don't want to go or give a gift, then decline the invitation. Most people here would probably do the same. If you do go, then you need to give a gift, but it doesn't have to be on the registry. I don't think inviting distant cousins whom you don't see much by itself constitutes a gift grab, but a gift registry in a wedding invitation certainly does.

No she doesn't.  Giving a gift is a voluntary thing.  No one is required to give a gift for a wedding.

Agreed.  Gifts are never required.

Yes and no.  Etiquette doesn't require that gifts be given and the couple can't use the lack of one as a barrier to attendance by a guest, but guests who do attend weddings are "expected" to give them as a sign of affection for the couple.  But in this case, there's no point in giving a gift.

No, the idea is that they should want to give a gift if they are able because if they're close enough to be invited and want to attend then they're generally close enough to want to give a gift - again, if they're able.  There should still be no expectations of a gift.

Jen4948

Viczaesar said:

Jen4948 said:

adk19 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

If you don't want to go or give a gift, then decline the invitation. Most people here would probably do the same.

If you do go, then you need to give a gift, but it doesn't have to be on the registry.

I don't think inviting distant cousins whom you don't see much by itself constitutes a gift grab, but a gift registry in a wedding invitation certainly does.

No she doesn't.  Giving a gift is a voluntary thing.  No one is required to give a gift for a wedding.

Agreed.  Gifts are never required.

Yes and no.  Etiquette doesn't require that gifts be given and the couple can't use the lack of one as a barrier to attendance by a guest, but guests who do attend weddings are "expected" to give them as a sign of affection for the couple.  But in this case, there's no point in giving a gift.



No, the idea is that they should want to give a gift if they are able because if they're close enough to be invited and want to attend then they're generally close enough to want to give a gift - again, if they're able.  There should still be no expectations of a gift.

On the couple's part, that's true. But if it were the case that gifts are truly in a practical sense "always optional," we wouldn't be telling couples they have to give gifts to their attendants at all or that if they give a gift to one set of parents then they have to do so for both.

So I think that "gifts are always optional" isn't quite true in reality.

marie2785

I also invited a ton of distant cousins due to family dynamics. Weddings in my family are family reunions, so everyone must get an invite or apparently the world falls apart or something terrible ( my parents covered the costs of their guests so I didn't fight it). They all declined, and no gift, which is exactly what I expected. Are you sure this person's family is also not pushing for everyone to get invited?

Viczaesar

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

adk19 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

If you don't want to go or give a gift, then decline the invitation. Most people here would probably do the same. If you do go, then you need to give a gift, but it doesn't have to be on the registry. I don't think inviting distant cousins whom you don't see much by itself constitutes a gift grab, but a gift registry in a wedding invitation certainly does.

No she doesn't.  Giving a gift is a voluntary thing.  No one is required to give a gift for a wedding.

Agreed.  Gifts are never required.

Yes and no.  Etiquette doesn't require that gifts be given and the couple can't use the lack of one as a barrier to attendance by a guest, but guests who do attend weddings are "expected" to give them as a sign of affection for the couple.  But in this case, there's no point in giving a gift.

No, the idea is that they should want to give a gift if they are able because if they're close enough to be invited and want to attend then they're generally close enough to want to give a gift - again, if they're able.  There should still be no expectations of a gift.

On the couple's part, that's true. But if it were the case that gifts are truly in a practical sense "always optional," we wouldn't be telling couples they have to give gifts to their attendants at all or that if they give a gift to one set of parents then they have to do so for both. So I think that "gifts are always optional" isn't quite true in reality.

You're welcome to think that, but you're wrong and if you tell people gifts are required others are going to correct you.

APDSS22

The timing is very weird. The STD is sent so you, the guest, is aware of the time and relative location of the event well in advance. Unless it got stuck at the post office and magically turned up, 9 weeks is way too close to the wedding to do anyone any good.

With regards to the actual invite, some brides do invite relatives they don't see very often. My DH didn't even know exactly how many cousins he has, he's that close to them. His mother supplied a list and we invited them because we had room and both our families tend to do the reunion wedding thing. In fact I only knew some of his relatives before the wedding because he had a cousin get married while we were engaged so I met that half of the family at that wedding.

If you're leaning no gift you don't have to send one. A nice card might not go amiss. I know I enjoyed all the cards we got for the wedding because it filled the mailbox with something that wasn't ads or bills. It was nice to know people wished us well.

MGP

Gifts are not required from a guest to a couple because a guest does not need to give a thank you gift (physical/cash) in exchange for a thank you gift (reception).

Gifts are required from a couple to their wedding party/parents because the couple needs to show gratitude (physical gift) for what these people have done (standing up at the ceremony, supporting the marriage, and generally being a big part of their lives - NOT doing menial tasks, free labor, or paying for the wedding like some of these recent snowflakes think).

Apples and oranges people.