Moms and Maids

Family rant . . . Would love advice!

I know it's common for people, especially family, to give wedding advice, but does it ever end? My fiance's family (mother, grandmother and aunt) have so many suggestions on the wedding. Each week they have a new idea for us. Advice is wonderful and we appreciate their involvement, but how do you say stop?

Their advice is more like demands - we need to have a tent outside for a 1-hour cocktail hour. We HAVE to have my fiance's brother in the wedding party. When we say we don't want uneven bridal party numbers, they suggest for me to add his cousin as a bridesmaid. Now his mother and grandmother are wanting to make additional appetizers because they don't think we have enough, oh and since the caterers servers probably won't serve their appetizers, they want us to pay my fiance's cousin's friends to go around and pass them out? Why did we hire a caterer in the first place?

We have 10 more months to go until our big day and I am going insane. I need advice on how to politely decline. I love his family and I don't want them to think ill of me for turning down all of their suggestions. At this point, I feel like they don't think we can't plan the wedding on our own. I feel like they are taking over my wedding. I enjoy planning and I want to do it myself.

Re: Family rant . . . Would love advice!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    1) Plan and pay for the wedding in its entirety.

    2) Don't bring any aspect of the plans up to them that they don't absolutely need to know.

    3) If they make suggestions that you aren't going to follow up on, respond with "Thank you, we'll take that under advisement" or "Thank you, but we have things under control."

    4) If they get out of line with negative commentary, have a come-to-Jesus with them and say, "I'm sorry if you don't like what we've planned, but it's what we're doing and the subject is closed.  We are not willing to hear any more negative commentary about it."
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueens
  • They aren't paying for the wedding at all. My fiance is on the same page as I am, so that is helpful. I do feel that it is his responsibility to talk to them about his, just as I would if it was my family.

    My biggest thing is that we are on a very tight budget and they see all of these ideas on wedding shows and it is something we must have at our wedding! We HAVE to have a mashed potato bar since it is such a big hit on these shows. I'm sorry, if you want to pay for a $400 mashed potato bar, please go for it.

    We are doing our best to say "we will consider it", but seriously... weekly. We live in different towns, but we keep in contact often. My fiance told his mom today that they are stressing us out, but we just received a voicemail with "I wanted to talk to you guys about the wedding, we have great news!"

    Everything is we, our... it shouldn't be we.. it's not our wedding. It's my fiance's and I's wedding.

    They really do mean well and they say ultimately it is our decision, they are just giving advice. However, when I say "this is what I want" and you respond with "no, you want this...", I feel like I don't have a say.

    Thanks for listening. Really need to rant to someone!
  • They aren't paying for the wedding at all. My fiance is on the same page as I am, so that is helpful. I do feel that it is his responsibility to talk to them about his, just as I would if it was my family.

    My biggest thing is that we are on a very tight budget and they see all of these ideas on wedding shows and it is something we must have at our wedding! We HAVE to have a mashed potato bar since it is such a big hit on these shows. I'm sorry, if you want to pay for a $400 mashed potato bar, please go for it.

    We are doing our best to say "we will consider it", but seriously... weekly. We live in different towns, but we keep in contact often. My fiance told his mom today that they are stressing us out, but we just received a voicemail with "I wanted to talk to you guys about the wedding, we have great news!"

    Everything is we, our... it shouldn't be we.. it's not our wedding. It's my fiance's and I's wedding.

    They really do mean well and they say ultimately it is our decision, they are just giving advice. However, when I say "this is what I want" and you respond with "no, you want this...", I feel like I don't have a say.

    Thanks for listening. Really need to rant to someone!

    Stop talking about anything related to the wedding. Don't tell them what you're doing, don't defend your choices, don't even tell them that you'll "consider" it because that leaves it open for them to come back later and ask if you've thought any more about that idea. Just say "Thank you, but we have that under control" and change the subject. 

    At some point you have to stop being polite and just shut that shit down. 
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    TheCheeseWenchOliveOilsMom[Deleted User]lc07
  • Yikes!! I am sorry you are dealing with this.

    I agree with PP's - just try to steer clear of wedding talk. Or just say "We greatly appreciate the advice, but me and FI are planning the day the way that is best for us. Please support whatever final decisions we decide to make".

    I'm glad you are planning your wedding the way you want and holding your ground!!

  • I would go with my old stand-by, "I'm not going to talk about the wedding right now. Hows the weather where you are? It's rained all day here blah blah blah"
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Your fiancé needs to tell them the plans are handled on ____ when they bring it up and that the subject is closed. Repeat as necessary.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • If they're paying, they get a say, if they aren't paying you have two responses of which to choose "I'll take that idea into consideration" and "BEAN DIP!!!!!!!" (i.e. change the subject - oh isn't this bean dip WONDERFUL!?!?!?!)...

    As for their idea of the apps, tell them it's against the caterers contract to allow food other than the cake in provided by anyone else.  98% of all caterers out there won't allow you to bring in food they don't provide by anyone unlicensed because of liability and they don't want their reputation tarnished for a product or service that doesn't meet or exceed their standard of doing things. 

    The one thing you do have with them is that they're excited for your big day.  Maybe you can consider delegating some tasks out to them and just handing them the detail to work with for something that you don't want to have to put your energy into.  It'll make them feel involved without stressing you out after you hand it over with what the budget is set at for that detail (i.e. less than you really have available for that detail so that if it goes over you aren't stressed)...  Or asking if they'd like to help with the hall set-up if they're that over-energetic about helping out.  Usually anything that looks like work will get them to back off quickly.  Something like doing a monogram on your aisle runner is a good delegate project for situations like this.  It makes them feel like they're doing something exciting and "on the big shows" but in reality it's a fluff detail that doesn't cost hardly anything. 

    Knottie1251661
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If you have 10 months left and your FILs are constantly on the wedding front and bean dipping doesn't work, then its time to get a little more forceful with them.  "FILs, I love you, but FI and I have been planning the wedding that we want.  We have very different ideas about the wedding, so we will no longer be talking about the wedding with you."  And this should come from your FI.

    I know its annoying, but it just sounds like your FILs are really excited for the wedding.  It is just too much for you.  I would also have your FI call them back quickly to see what this "good news" is, so that he can shut it down quickly.  The last thing you want is to have your FILs force something on you because they have already signed a contract or something like that.  You can still (rightfully) tell them no, but it will be harder since its something they have already paid for.  I'm sure they would probably try to guilt trip you two into using whatever it was they already paid for, if that ends up being the "good news".  And as PP said, tell your FILs that its against your caterers' contract to bring in outside food.

    Knottie1251661
  • I can be way too blunt sometimes but when my family brings up "ideas" aka opinions forced on me I say I can't handle it and I'll be curled up in a ball rocking back and forth by the wedding....or I really don't care if the bridesmaids shoes don't match (color) or if someone wears a hefty bag.

    It gets to that point. For the most part the "ideas" have stopped. :)

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