wedding party demands

Knottie1251661

My Fiance's mother and grandmother demand that his brother is included in the wedding party. His sister is a bridesmaid and my brother is a groomsmen. Since my fiance and his brother don't get along very well, we originally made him an usher, so he didn't feel left out. They are well aware of his spot in the wedding party, but it isn't good enough to them.

I don't want to add another bridesmaid to make the numbers even and I really don't want uneven numbers. I know this is selfish, but my fiance doesn't want him to be a groomsmen either. 

Should we make him a groomsmen and stop making a big deal about it? Are we being rude by having him as an usher? If not, how do we go about declining their demand?

justsie

Knottie1251661 said:

My Fiance's mother and grandmother demand that his brother is included in the wedding party. His sister is a bridesmaid and my brother is a groomsmen. Since my fiance and his brother don't get along very well, we originally made him an usher, so he didn't feel left out. They are well aware of his spot in the wedding party, but it isn't good enough to them.

I don't want to add another bridesmaid to make the numbers even and I really don't want uneven numbers. I know this is selfish, but my fiance doesn't want him to be a groomsmen either. 

Should we make him a groomsmen and stop making a big deal about it? Are we being rude by having him as an usher? If not, how do we go about declining their demand?

Are either of them paying for a portion of the wedding? I'm a big believer that WPs should be exempt from the strings portion of funding a wedding, but if they are and you tell them no be prepared for them to no longer be willing to provide some money. I wouldn't make him a GM, and he can decline being as usher and just come as a guest if he would like.

I will add that I really do hope that the reason for not asking his brother to be a GM is because he really doesn't want it and not to have even sides. That would be a very lame reason to exclude someone from the "nearest and dearest" list and very petty. 

AddieCake

They don't get along well? Then the answer is NO and the subject is closed.

MobKaz

Knottie1251661 said:

My Fiance's mother and grandmother demand that his brother is included in the wedding party. His sister is a bridesmaid and my brother is a groomsmen. Since my fiance and his brother don't get along very well, we originally made him an usher, so he didn't feel left out. They are well aware of his spot in the wedding party, but it isn't good enough to them.

I don't want to add another bridesmaid to make the numbers even and I really don't want uneven numbers. I know this is selfish, but my fiance doesn't want him to be a groomsmen either. 

Should we make him a groomsmen and stop making a big deal about it? Are we being rude by having him as an usher? If not, how do we go about declining their demand?

FI needs to say, once, that the wedding party has been decided and there is nothing else to discuss.  Then he needs to stop discussing it with them. 

I personally think that regardless of monetary contributions, NO ONE should have any say in anything that has to do with the ceremony other than the bride and groom.  That is the most personal aspect of the day, and should reflect no one but the bride and groom.

If FI's mother and grandmother are demanding and controlling in nature, you can be sure that intrusions will not stop at dictating wedding party members.  Stop the madness now, and save yourselves future aggravation.

[Deleted User]

FI needs to tell mom & grandma that while he respects them, they need to respect the fact that he doesn't have a great relationship with his brother and that you have both decided to only have one person stand on each side of you for the ceremony. And that you will be making sure to include him in all the family photo, end of story.

Good luck, because I do realize just telling them this, probably won't end the situation.

Jen4948

You don't need even sides, so if your FI wants to add his brother as a groomsman, you don't need to add a bridesmaid.

A bigger issue is that your FI's family thinks they can dictate who is in the wedding party. He needs to make very clear to them that it's strictly up to you and your FI.

aurianna

scribe95 said:

I just noticed you said in another thread that the reason for not having the brother is to have even sides, which is just crazy. Grow up.

Ew.

Put people in the bridal party you are close to. If he's close to the brother, he should make him a groomsman. If he's not, he shouldn't. This should not depend on even sides.

And if he does add in his brother, not only is it not necessary for you to add another bridesmaid, but rather you should not do so. She'll realize she was asked later than everyone else and might put two and two together that she's literally a place filler. That won't feel too good. Don't do it.

lembaslover

scribe95 said:

Frankly I think it's more offensive to have the brother as an usher - an unnecessary post that still spends the same money on a tux/suit but isn't considered part of the wedding party - then leaving him out altogether.

This! I didn't realize that there was a difference between groomsmen and ushers. I thought some people just called them ushers because they do tend to help people get to their seats and stuff before the ceremony while the bridesmaids tend to stay back with the bride. It's extremely rude to ask them to pay for a tux/suit if they aren't actually part of the wedding party and I agree I'd be more upset to be asked to be an usher than to not be asked at all.

Knottie1444628447

I wouldn't make it your choice at all. Even sides or not, its your FI choice if he wants to. He also needs to be the one to tell his family and brother the choice. You should support him in his choice but make it HIS not yours.