Etiquette

problem solved! thank you everyone for their helpful advice

edited August 2015 in Etiquette
Couldn't delete, but my question was answered. Thank you for being so helpful!

Re: problem solved! thank you everyone for their helpful advice

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    Hi!
       This is my first post here, but everyone seems to give pretty good advice so I thought I would ask for some help with a conundrum I'm having. I'm getting married in May, in a lovely beach setting, with a sit down dinner. I'd like it to be an adults-only affair, the one exception being my little niece (cousin's daughter, but we're a close family so it's easier to call her that) who will be acting as a flower-girl. She's basically a tiny adult - lovely manners, quiet, happy to sit there and color. I have no concerns about her. She would be the ONLY child. She's the only child from my side of the family. All of the children (and there are many) come from my fiance's side . Bless their hearts, but frankly, I just don't want to pay for a bunch of 8 year olds that I don't particularly know nor will probably ever be particularly close to. They live across the country, and I would see them maybe twice a year. Also, they're rather....rambunctious. I can practically guarantee they would end up in the water. Also babies. Nothing ruins a ceremony where some child is squalling and the parents don't take them out. I just don't want that, and I've read of plenty of brides who don't either. I know I'm running the risk of coming off as snobby, and I don't mean to. They're kids, and that's fine. I just would rather have a cool, adults-only party. How do I say that on the invitation in a firm, but kind way? I've read stories about people just adding their own plus ones onto the invites, or just showing up with them and I don't want that to happen. I would like to be as clear as possible.

    I also wanted to say, that I do intend on providing a list of babysitters (there's a company in my town who actually provides babysitters for weddings) and hopefully for one night, that will be ok. 

    So...help? 
    You only address the invite to those people who are invited.  You don't say anything about who is not invited.  So if your invite Joe and Sue and they have 3 kids you address the invite to Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith.  If they RSVP for 5 then you call them up and say "I am really sorry but the invite was only for you and Joe and we cannot accommodate your children."

    I don't think it is necessary to provide babysitter information.  These people are parents and adults.  They can figure out who can watch their kids themselves.  Not to mention not many parents are happy to just hand over their child to a stranger that you recommended for the night.

    As for if the parents just show up with their kids, how you handle that is something that you and your FI need to decide prior to your wedding day.  You can either accept the children that were brought or you can have your DOC or someone from the venue make it known that the children were not invited and because of that there will be no seat or food for them and/or ask them to leave.

    SP29
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Hi!
       This is my first post here, but everyone seems to give pretty good advice so I thought I would ask for some help with a conundrum I'm having. I'm getting married in May, in a lovely beach setting, with a sit down dinner. I'd like it to be an adults-only affair, the one exception being my little niece (cousin's daughter, but we're a close family so it's easier to call her that) who will be acting as a flower-girl. She's basically a tiny adult - lovely manners, quiet, happy to sit there and color. I have no concerns about her. She would be the ONLY child. She's the only child from my side of the family. All of the children (and there are many) come from my fiance's side . Bless their hearts, but frankly, I just don't want to pay for a bunch of 8 year olds that I don't particularly know nor will probably ever be particularly close to. They live across the country, and I would see them maybe twice a year. Also, they're rather....rambunctious. I can practically guarantee they would end up in the water. Also babies. Nothing ruins a ceremony where some child is squalling and the parents don't take them out. I just don't want that, and I've read of plenty of brides who don't either. I know I'm running the risk of coming off as snobby, and I don't mean to. They're kids, and that's fine. I just would rather have a cool, adults-only party. How do I say that on the invitation in a firm, but kind way? I've read stories about people just adding their own plus ones onto the invites, or just showing up with them and I don't want that to happen. I would like to be as clear as possible.

    I also wanted to say, that I do intend on providing a list of babysitters (there's a company in my town who actually provides babysitters for weddings) and hopefully for one night, that will be ok. 

    So...help? 
    It is absolutely fine to have an adults-only event. Just make sure that the adults are the only people listed on the invitation, such as: "John and Jane Smith" and not "The Smith family".

    You don't need to explain why this one child is invited an not others (she is in the bridal party). The only rule is that if she has a sibling you should invite them as well. 

    What you should absolutely not do is put "Adults Only" or anything else on your website or invitation. You should never list who isn't invited. If someone RSVPs with little Timmy, you have to be prepared to call them up and say "I'm sorry, but there has been a misunderstanding. The invitation was for you and John only. We are unable to accommodate Timmy".  You also have to be prepared for people to decline attending. 

    That is nice that you are providing a list of babysitters but many parents do not feel comfortable leaving their children with strangers, no matter how security cleared. You should also make this clear that this isn't a "Child's room" paid for by you, but rather a list of recommended babysitters that guests can book directly. 
    adk19SP29lc07
  • There is no way to politely put this on an invitation. You may only mention who IS invited, not who is not invited. You simply address the envelope to the people you are inviting. You can also word your RSVP cards to include a "number attending" line, so that if you invite two people, and they RSVP for 3, you can call and ask about the discrepancy.

    Also, would your ceremony really be ruined if "some child" were "squalling"? Would this some how prevent you and your FI from becoming married? I don't think I would. It's perfectly acceptable to have an adults only event, but your attitude about why you want that it's pretty off putting.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    image
    KittenMittens84SP29
  • I realize how I said that may have given the wrong impression. I suppose I speak from a few weddings I've been to, one of them where the parents quietly removed the child, which was appreciated by everyone around them. But, in another one, the person wouldn't leave. And this was a TINY country church. No one could hear their vows, and the couple seemed really distracted. I suppose the point I was going for was in that way, it kind of takes away from that special moment. I probably didn't express that the right way.
  • Thank you everyone for your advice on this. I definitely get what you're saying and it's a good solution to the problem. And whatever happens on the day, happens. I'm really not the type to get up-in-arms about this sort of thing, but I wanted a smooth way to resolve my own conundrum before we start the madness that are invitations. I appreciate everyone's feedback. 

    Thanks!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    There isn't any polite way to indicate on an invitation that someone isn't invited.  Just address it to those who are. 

    If someone RSVPs for uninvited children or other guests, then you call them and tell them, "I'm sorry for the confusion, but only you and SO are invited.  We can't accommodate any other guests at the wedding."

    adk19SP29
  • Oh definitely. He was more into no-kids on a financial and space level when we were picking out our venue. And that he just wanted to spend some time with his step siblings. He's definitely on board. No no no I wouldn't unilaterally make a decision like that. 
  • That was in reply to My Name is Knot....I think my computer didn't want to reply. Sorry!
  • That was in reply to My Name is Knot....I think my computer didn't want to reply. Sorry!
    The "Reply" button doesn't do what you think it will do.  What you need to do is hit the "Quote" button.
    SP29lc07
  • adk19 said:
    That was in reply to My Name is Knot....I think my computer didn't want to reply. Sorry!
    The "Reply" button doesn't do what you think it will do.  What you need to do is hit the "Quote" button.
    Ah, thank you, I'm new here. 
  • It looks like everything is covered, and I hope I explained myself enough where I don't sound horrid. This is such a touchy subject, and the last thing I would ever ever ever want is to offend anybody. I love my future family, I really really do, and I just wanted to have the best wedding that felt right for us and where everybody could just relax and enjoy themselves. Thanks everyone for their advice and input, and maybe pointing how how maybe something I said came off the wrong way. Hope everyone has the wedding that's best for them!

    Cheers! xo
  • It looks like everything is covered, and I hope I explained myself enough where I don't sound horrid. This is such a touchy subject, and the last thing I would ever ever ever want is to offend anybody. I love my future family, I really really do, and I just wanted to have the best wedding that felt right for us and where everybody could just relax and enjoy themselves. Thanks everyone for their advice and input, and maybe pointing how how maybe something I said came off the wrong way. Hope everyone has the wedding that's best for them!


    Cheers! xo
    Deleting your post is considered very rude, and we can still all see it anyway

    Also, people with kids won't necessarily be relaxed because their kids aren't there. More likely, they'll have their phones in hand all night checking in with the sitter.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    image
    charcoalandblushspeakeasy14YogaSandy
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited August 2015
    Couldn't delete, but my question was answered. Thank you for being so helpful!
    Why did you want to delete?  You do realize that the questions and answers received on this forum can help others in the same position?  That is why threads cannot be deleted unless done so by the admins because they violate the TOS.  I mean if every person who asks a question then deletes their thread then the forums would be pretty darn empty and discussions wouldn't happen.

    huskypuppy14adk19lc07
  • Couldn't delete, but my question was answered. Thank you for being so helpful!
    Why did you want to delete?  You do realize that the questions and answers received on this forum can help others in the same position?  That is why threads cannot be deleted unless done so by the admins because they violate the TOS.  I mean if every person who asks a question then deletes their thread then the forums would be pretty darn empty and discussions wouldn't happen.
    Oh, that's a good point. I hadn't thought of that. I do hope it helps others. I'm sure other brides have been in the same position. Sorry, I'm new here, and I didn't think of that point. 
  • It looks like everything is covered, and I hope I explained myself enough where I don't sound horrid. This is such a touchy subject, and the last thing I would ever ever ever want is to offend anybody. I love my future family, I really really do, and I just wanted to have the best wedding that felt right for us and where everybody could just relax and enjoy themselves. Thanks everyone for their advice and input, and maybe pointing how how maybe something I said came off the wrong way. Hope everyone has the wedding that's best for them!

    Cheers! xo
    Deleting your post is considered very rude, and we can still all see it anyway Also, people with kids won't necessarily be relaxed because their kids aren't there. More likely, they'll have their phones in hand all night checking in with the sitter.
    I didn't know it was considered rude, I was really more just trying to eliminate redundancies, since I tended to get the same (and very good) advice over and over. Someone else made the point that this could help other brides, and I hadn't thought of that. The last thing I would want is to be rude, so I'm sorry. 
  • Something has been eating at me. I re-read my first post, and I think I sounded really bratty. I suppose every bride has "those" moments, where she's trying to make a lot of people happy while trying to do whats best for her and her future husband and just gets overwhelmed. I love my fiancee's family a lot. I really do, and I think this post came off as very "me, me, me" and that's not the person I am. Truthfully, I get kind of afraid of posting anything on the internet, and it looks like maybe I should've rethought how I wrote this. I was struggling with a problem, and I think I described it very poorly. For everyone else who informed me that deleting the post and everything else was rude, I'm very sorry and didn't know.  

    I hope everyone has, had, or will have the wedding they want, and it's full of love and everything else a wedding should be about. 

    Thank you again for the advice. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
    mod
    Something has been eating at me. I re-read my first post, and I think I sounded really bratty. I suppose every bride has "those" moments, where she's trying to make a lot of people happy while trying to do whats best for her and her future husband and just gets overwhelmed. I love my fiancee's family a lot. I really do, and I think this post came off as very "me, me, me" and that's not the person I am. Truthfully, I get kind of afraid of posting anything on the internet, and it looks like maybe I should've rethought how I wrote this. I was struggling with a problem, and I think I described it very poorly. For everyone else who informed me that deleting the post and everything else was rude, I'm very sorry and didn't know.  

    I hope everyone has, had, or will have the wedding they want, and it's full of love and everything else a wedding should be about. 

    Thank you again for the advice. 
    It's really easy to come across different than you intended and that's fine - even better than you saw, acknowledged and corrected it. In the future, here, if you feel like that, you can simply post the bolded portion of your PP and most people here will move on right there with you. 

    Relax. You're fine. :) 
    image
    SP29pinupbride6189adk19
  • DaytimeDivaDaytimeDiva
    First Comment
    member
    edited August 2015
    I'd love to add on what has been said here on the boards several times: When and if you do need to have a conversation with a parent who has RSVPed for children that were not invited, avoid giving explanations that can open up the parent finding a solution.
    As in:
    "We're so sorry Little Susie couldn't be invited, but we just didn't have the budget to include children at the reception."
    Parent: "Oh...We understand! If that's an issue...We can pay for Susie's plate if you like!"
    SP29adk19
  • I'd love to add on what has been said here on the boards several times: When and if you do need to have a conversation with a parent who has RSVPed for children that were not invited, avoid giving explanations that can open up the parent finding a solution.
    As in:
    "We're so sorry Little Susie couldn't be invited, but we just didn't have the budget to include children at the reception."
    Parent: "Oh...We understand! If that's an issue...We can pay for Susie's plate if you like!"
    Currently dealing with the above problems with adults wanting to bring kids. Unfortunately there's going to be guests who NEED an explanation. If you want to save yourself a headache, the most fail safe one here (even if it's a little white lie) is that the venue can't extend the capacity beyond how many people you are expecting. Can't fight city hall (or fire codes) on that one!
  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I'd love to add on what has been said here on the boards several times: When and if you do need to have a conversation with a parent who has RSVPed for children that were not invited, avoid giving explanations that can open up the parent finding a solution.
    As in:
    "We're so sorry Little Susie couldn't be invited, but we just didn't have the budget to include children at the reception."
    Parent: "Oh...We understand! If that's an issue...We can pay for Susie's plate if you like!"
    Currently dealing with the above problems with adults wanting to bring kids. Unfortunately there's going to be guests who NEED an explanation. If you want to save yourself a headache, the most fail safe one here (even if it's a little white lie) is that the venue can't extend the capacity beyond how many people you are expecting. Can't fight city hall (or fire codes) on that one!
    This is true, and a pretty firm "no". BUT you could potentially run into a guest who then says, "Well if you have some declines, can little Susy come?".

    I think it is best to leave any openings, particularly if someone is being so difficult. "The guest list has been finalized and the invitation is only for you and your husband".

    If someone were to be THAT pushy, I'd be tempted to say, "Because I said so!" or, "Because they aren't invited!" ;). (I wouldn't actually say that, but if a guest is repeatedly asking why someone isn't invited and wants to know WHY, they are going beyond an etiquette faux pas)
    adk19DarthV8r
  • SP29 said:
    I'd love to add on what has been said here on the boards several times: When and if you do need to have a conversation with a parent who has RSVPed for children that were not invited, avoid giving explanations that can open up the parent finding a solution.
    As in:
    "We're so sorry Little Susie couldn't be invited, but we just didn't have the budget to include children at the reception."
    Parent: "Oh...We understand! If that's an issue...We can pay for Susie's plate if you like!"
    Currently dealing with the above problems with adults wanting to bring kids. Unfortunately there's going to be guests who NEED an explanation. If you want to save yourself a headache, the most fail safe one here (even if it's a little white lie) is that the venue can't extend the capacity beyond how many people you are expecting. Can't fight city hall (or fire codes) on that one!
    This is true, and a pretty firm "no". BUT you could potentially run into a guest who then says, "Well if you have some declines, can little Susy come?".

    I think it is best to leave any openings, particularly if someone is being so difficult. "The guest list has been finalized and the invitation is only for you and your husband".

    If someone were to be THAT pushy, I'd be tempted to say, "Because I said so!" or, "Because they aren't invited!" ;). (I wouldn't actually say that, but if a guest is repeatedly asking why someone isn't invited and wants to know WHY, they are going beyond an etiquette faux pas)
    This.  "If you get declines can Suzy come?"  or  "Well, what if my husband stays home and I bring little Suzy as my plus one?"  The the fire code excuse doesn't work because the guest has just replaced one guest with a different guest.  This doesn't solve the problem of you didn't invite Suzy, you don't want her there, you don't want any kids there.  So, we're back to not giving an excuse.  
    "The invitation was for you and John, we can't accommodate little Suzy."
    "She'll just sit on my lap and we'll share the food."
    "We cannot accommodate Suzy.  I hope you and John can still come."
    "But we won't be able to find a sitter!  She'll be super quiet and well behaved."
    "We cannot accommodate Suzy.  RSVPs are due on Octember Eleventeenth, please let me know by then if you and John will be able to make it or if I should mark one or both of you down as a no so someone can stay home with Suzy."
    SP29
  • SP29 said:





    I'd love to add on what has been said here on the boards several times: When and if you do need to have a conversation with a parent who has RSVPed for children that were not invited, avoid giving explanations that can open up the parent finding a solution.
    As in:
    "We're so sorry Little Susie couldn't be invited, but we just didn't have the budget to include children at the reception."
    Parent: "Oh...We understand! If that's an issue...We can pay for Susie's plate if you like!"

    Currently dealing with the above problems with adults wanting to bring kids. Unfortunately there's going to be guests who NEED an explanation. If you want to save yourself a headache, the most fail safe one here (even if it's a little white lie) is that the venue can't extend the capacity beyond how many people you are expecting. Can't fight city hall (or fire codes) on that one!

    This is true, and a pretty firm "no". BUT you could potentially run into a guest who then says, "Well if you have some declines, can little Susy come?".

    I think it is best to leave any openings, particularly if someone is being so difficult. "The guest list has been finalized and the invitation is only for you and your husband".

    If someone were to be THAT pushy, I'd be tempted to say, "Because I said so!" or, "Because they aren't invited!" ;). (I wouldn't actually say that, but if a guest is repeatedly asking why someone isn't invited and wants to know WHY, they are going beyond an etiquette faux pas)

    Thanks for this. I have a feeling my sister in law will try to push bringing her kid to our wedding. I even expect her to bring her son anyway (if she even shows up). I will have to remember this when the time comes. I don't want to sound like a bitch but I will have to be firm.

  • You can always respond "I'm sorry it disappoints you.  We gave a lot of thought to our guest list, and unfortunately, we can only accommodate an adults-only wedding.  We hope you can join us, but understand if you cannot."

    It's very thoughtful of you to have done research on babysitters, especially since most of these kids are OOT.  There's no need to include that in the invites, but since it's your FI's family that needs it, try passing it along to FMIL, and have her disseminate info.
  • I just wanted to say thank you for coming back and taking the info like you did.
    So often on here people come in with a question like yours, get the helpful responses you got, then throw a wobbly because they didn't get the answer they wanted, like "oh it's totally fine to say no kids on the invite".

    So, thank you for your maturity. Change your name to something recognisable and stick around, you'll get a lot of help from the ladies here.
    SP29
  • Couldn't delete, but my question was answered. Thank you for being so helpful!
    It's rude to delete.  Your question and our answers can help someone else.  This wasn't only for you, this was also for the people who might be lurking and never post and have a similar question.  Lucky for these lurkers, someone quoted you so it doesn't even matter that you deleted.  But it's still rude.  Don't do it again.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards