Just Engaged and Proposals

Engaged just a short time, but planning in full gear

I just got engaged this summer, and we waited a little while to tell our parents because we were worried they would think it was too soon, but they were actually happy for us (for the most part...my fiance's mom is definitely not happy that I'm not Asian, but his dad doesn't care, and his aunt that he's really close to is excited).

As soon as I got engaged, I couldn't wait to start planning, and I got right on it with dress shopping, ordering sample invitations and STDs, getting wedding magazines...the whole 9 yards. But now it's getting really real.

I'm penciled in at a venue (my mom has to check it out for me because I'm 3 hours away so I can't, and she's a mere 20 minute drive from it)...but if she gives it the thumbs up, we're putting the deposit down and it's mine. I'm also on my church's calendar. I haven't talked to the DJ yet, and I don't have a photographer because my friend who was going to do it got a job out in California so she no longer can...but things are definitely moving along.

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Re: Engaged just a short time, but planning in full gear

  • aliwis000aliwis000 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2015
    Congratulations!

    Word of caution, and perhaps it is just because I did not see you mention it.

    Have you and your FI sat down and talked budget and guest list? Before you do anything these 2 items have to be more set in stone than not. They will determine every aspect of your wedding. Too many times on these boards we have seen people get in trouble by getting excited and then start signing contracts. Then you end up with a place that might be too expensive, too small, too far, etc.

    Also careful with friends doing work at your wedding. At that point they are vendors and should be compensated. Photographing a wedding is a job, no ifs ands or buts about it. Also, without firm contracts, which are usually not created when its a friend, there are no protections for you or your friend. I have read way too many brides on here cry specifically about pictures they never got, waited well over 6 months for, or were crappy because a friend took the pictures and it did not go as planned.
  • My parents are paying for the venue and the food (we haven't decided on who is paying for invitations and centerpieces etc. yet), and my fiance and I are paying for the DJ and photographer. I have spoken with my mom about budget since it's my family paying, not his, and we are hoping to keep it around 10k. We have a list, other than me adding on some family friends and personal friends since right now I have neither of them on it.

    I just got the DJ today, so that's all set...and like I said, my friend who is a photographer who was going to do it no longer can because she moved cross country -- but we were going to have a contract and everything as photography is a legitimate business for her. But we are as of right now photographer-less.

    My church can fit a ton of people for the ceremony, so that's no issue, and the reception venue can have more than double what we're even inviting, so I'm all good on that. And they aren't that far apart -- approximately a 20 minute drive.

    Because it's a November wedding (and Thanksgiving weekend for that), no one is booked yet so I have plenty of time, but if I'm happy with what I've got, why not just do it? 
  • Thanksgiving weekend? Ugh.
    thespeshulestsnowflakeInLoveInQueens
  • PupatellaPupatella member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2015

    My parents are paying for the venue and the food (we haven't decided on who is paying for invitations and centerpieces etc. yet), and my fiance and I are paying for the DJ and photographer. I have spoken with my mom about budget since it's my family paying, not his, and we are hoping to keep it around 10k. We have a list, other than me adding on some family friends and personal friends since right now I have neither of them on it.


    I just got the DJ today, so that's all set...and like I said, my friend who is a photographer who was going to do it no longer can because she moved cross country -- but we were going to have a contract and everything as photography is a legitimate business for her. But we are as of right now photographer-less.

    My church can fit a ton of people for the ceremony, so that's no issue, and the reception venue can have more than double what we're even inviting, so I'm all good on that. And they aren't that far apart -- approximately a 20 minute drive.

    Because it's a November wedding (and Thanksgiving weekend for that), no one is booked yet so I have plenty of time, but if I'm happy with what I've got, why not just do it? 
    Oh wow. Well at least you have way more than a year to plan.

    I would really check with your VIP guests before changing the "I am penciled in" to "my Mom signed" with the venue.

    It would have to be a really, really, really good friend for me to give up going home for the traditional Thanksgiving weekend with my family....

    InLoveInQueens
  • Thanksgiving weekend? Ugh.
    Yes, Thanksgiving weekend.

    I did check with my VIP guests (my parents who decide for all my younger siblings, my older brothers, and one of my aunts), and that was the best weekend for them in the rest of 2016, but thank you for checking that I checked.

    I realize that my personal friends probably won't come since most of them are in grad school and will want to enjoy their break with family, but that's okay, I understand. But I really want a 2016 wedding, so that's what I'm doing.
  • PupatellaPupatella member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2015



    Thanksgiving weekend? Ugh.

    Yes, Thanksgiving weekend.

    I did check with my VIP guests (my parents who decide for all my younger siblings, my older brothers, and one of my aunts), and that was the best weekend for them in the rest of 2016, but thank you for checking that I checked.

    I realize that my personal friends probably won't come since most of them are in grad school and will want to enjoy their break with family, but that's okay, I understand. But I really want a 2016 wedding, so that's what I'm doing.


    -------------------------------------------------

    What about your FI's family? How do they feel about Thanksgiving weekend?

    InLoveInQueens
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2015



    Thanksgiving weekend? Ugh.

    Yes, Thanksgiving weekend.

    I did check with my VIP guests (my parents who decide for all my younger siblings, my older brothers, and one of my aunts), and that was the best weekend for them in the rest of 2016, but thank you for checking that I checked.

    I realize that my personal friends probably won't come since most of them are in grad school and will want to enjoy their break with family, but that's okay, I understand. But I really want a 2016 wedding, so that's what I'm doing.


    I wasn't checking that you checked. I was telling you I think you plan is bad. But hey, you don't care about your friends coming so go for it! Glad your FI's people are also okay with it.

    I also thought you needed that pretty sounding August date but whatever have fun.
    InLoveInQueensNowIamMrsKleinlyndausvi
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2015
    I thought she had less than a year to plan.  Color me confused.


    My parents are paying for the venue and the food (we haven't decided on who is paying for invitations and centerpieces etc. yet), and my fiance and I are paying for the DJ and photographer. I have spoken with my mom about budget since it's my family paying, not his, and we are hoping to keep it around 10k. We have a list, other than me adding on some family friends and personal friends since right now I have neither of them on it.

    I just got the DJ today, so that's all set...and like I said, my friend who is a photographer who was going to do it no longer can because she moved cross country -- but we were going to have a contract and everything as photography is a legitimate business for her. But we are as of right now photographer-less.

    My church can fit a ton of people for the ceremony, so that's no issue, and the reception venue can have more than double what we're even inviting, so I'm all good on that. And they aren't that far apart -- approximately a 20 minute drive.

    Because it's a November wedding (and Thanksgiving weekend for that), no one is booked yet so I have plenty of time, but if I'm happy with what I've got, why not just do it? 
    answer is YOU will pay unless someone offers.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Honestly -- what's bad about my plan? 
  • I think we're just cautioning you about choosing Thanksgiving weekend to have your wedding. 

    Many people will already have plans / family traditions.  It is asking a lot of people to give that up and go to your wedding.  Especially if they usually travel to see their family, they then have to most likely give up the entire Thanksgiving time with their family to attend your wedding.

    And even if they live in your area, they may have family coming in for the Thanksgiving weekend that they want to spend time with.

    I'll also mention that during Thanksgiving, flights and hotels will be more expensive for your guests.  Not to mention that Thanksgiving is the busiest travel weekend of the year.  

    IMHO, weddings on holiday weekends are worse than having a destination wedding.  Because at least for the destination wedding, I am hopefully not missing a very special yearly tradition with my family.

    InLoveInQueensSTARMOON44
  • Oh. Well I appreciate you looking out for me, but even if only 50 people showed up I'd be happy (and we're inviting about 150). I get holiday traditions. My whole life Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday because I get to spend it with my family, so in a way, this is like an extension of the party.
  • At least you may get the small wedding you originally wanted!!

    I'm really glad that all of the planning seems to be coming together.

    InLoveInQueensspockforprez
  • Yeah. A small wedding would be super perfect.
  • Honestly -- what's bad about my plan? 

    Literally all of your fake constantly changing plan is bad.
    thespeshulestsnowflakeNowIAmSyp
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    @goldenpenguin - please ban nyyanks1 - vendor!
    justsie
  • Honestly -- what's bad about my plan? 
    Literally all of your fake constantly changing plan is bad.

    You can think it's as fake as you want, but it's just as real as the oxygen in the air we breathe. I'm getting married on November 26, 2016 at my church, and my reception is going to be in a renovated barn with my favorite DJ in town, and hopefully food from one of the best caterers I've ever had.
  • edited August 2015
    Honestly -- what's bad about my plan? 
    Literally all of your fake constantly changing plan is bad.

    You can think it's as fake as you want, but it's just as real as the oxygen in the air we breathe. I'm getting married on November 26, 2016 at my church, and my reception is going to be in a renovated barn with my favorite DJ in town, and hopefully food from one of the best caterers I've ever had.
    At least we all know whose day it is. 
    It is my day. Mine and my fiance's. And I've asked him many times if he cares about any of these things, and the only one of them he might care about is the food, and that would be okay. We can change that.

    Also, I wouldn't even get engaged to a man who wouldn't marry in my church. That's a non negotiable. Just like politics, religion and willingness to adopt children. If you don't agree with me on any one of those categories, goodbye. I once had one date with a guy who otherwise seemed great, but when he said he would never adopt, the date was over and we never spoke again.
  • Honestly -- what's bad about my plan? 
    Literally all of your fake constantly changing plan is bad.

    You can think it's as fake as you want, but it's just as real as the oxygen in the air we breathe. I'm getting married on November 26, 2016 at my church, and my reception is going to be in a renovated barn with my favorite DJ in town, and hopefully food from one of the best caterers I've ever had.
    At least we all know whose day it is. 
    It is my day. Mine and my fiance's. And I've asked him many times if he cares about any of these things, and the only one of them he might care about is the food, and that would be okay. We can change that.

    Also, I wouldn't even get engaged to a man who wouldn't marry in my church. That's a non negotiable. Just like politics, religion and willingness to adopt children. If you don't agree with me on any one of those categories, goodbye. I once had one date with a guy who otherwise seemed great, but when he said he would never adopt, the date was over and we never spoke again.


    I am genuinely frightened for a man I have never met. People this inflexible make life so much more difficult than it needs to be for everyone around them. If I had refused to budge from all of my opinions in my (we still have to guess on this chick) early 20's I would have missed out on so much happiness in life. When her man leaves her someday (and living with the damn Empress of the Universe, he WILL) she may learn that compromise is a blessing. I have learned and experiences so many new things by having to be open to the ideas and opinions of others. He probably claims not to have an opinion so he doesn't have to worry about accidentally giving the wrong answer and getting immediately dropped like the "otherwise great" guy who said one wrong thing on a date.

    Oh, and OP, NO, the fact that you are letting your Mother dictate much of your wedding because you want her $$$$ does NOT count as compromise. That counts as not wanting to pay for your own shit.
    thespeshulestsnowflakeInLoveInQueens
  • edited August 2015
    Compromise: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

    The only thing my mom is dictating is her end of the guest list. My fiance and I get the venue, the food, the DJ etc...that's a compromise.

    I'm sad that you all still think I'm some horrible witch, but I'm not. I'm extremely kind and caring, and believe it or not (and I'm guessing you won't), I put others before myself so much that I've often hurt myself in the process. I want the people around me to be happy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness.
  • Honestly -- what's bad about my plan? 
    Literally all of your fake constantly changing plan is bad.

    You can think it's as fake as you want, but it's just as real as the oxygen in the air we breathe. I'm getting married on November 26, 2016 at my church, and my reception is going to be in a renovated barn with my favorite DJ in town, and hopefully food from one of the best caterers I've ever had.
    At least we all know whose day it is. 
    It is my day. Mine and my fiance's. And I've asked him many times if he cares about any of these things, and the only one of them he might care about is the food, and that would be okay. We can change that.

    Also, I wouldn't even get engaged to a man who wouldn't marry in my church. That's a non negotiable. Just like politics, religion and willingness to adopt children. If you don't agree with me on any one of those categories, goodbye. I once had one date with a guy who otherwise seemed great, but when he said he would never adopt, the date was over and we never spoke again.


    I am genuinely frightened for a man I have never met. People this inflexible make life so much more difficult than it needs to be for everyone around them. If I had refused to budge from all of my opinions in my (we still have to guess on this chick) early 20's I would have missed out on so much happiness in life. When her man leaves her someday (and living with the damn Empress of the Universe, he WILL) she may learn that compromise is a blessing. I have learned and experiences so many new things by having to be open to the ideas and opinions of others. He probably claims not to have an opinion so he doesn't have to worry about accidentally giving the wrong answer and getting immediately dropped like the "otherwise great" guy who said one wrong thing on a date.

    Oh, and OP, NO, the fact that you are letting your Mother dictate much of your wedding because you want her $$$$ does NOT count as compromise. That counts as not wanting to pay for your own shit.



    The bold text is what is frightening, not your wedding crap. If someone doesn't AGREE with you, you are out. That seems like a very sad and narrow minded way to live life. I think you may be surprised how much your views will change as you grow up. You decided to NEVER SPEAK to a man again because of something he said ON A FIRST DATE. NONE of that is compromise. I am moving 2 hours from my hometown, which is something I swore for years I would never do. My business is BUILT on promoting THAT hometown. My friends and family are there. Oops, a sweet handsome friend-of-a-friend from the other big city in our state asked me out. I went. As it turns out, this place isn't so bad after all. There are a lot of things that have evolved in my life over time, but if I'd shared your "my way or the highway" attitude, I would have missed out completely.

    Also, to the whole martyr of my own happiness/put other people first etc...thing, that isn't healthy either and does not make the former issue any better. It's all about BALANCE, and not being a stubborn child in the process. Again, it may just be a growing up thing.
    onefootinthebayou
  • Woah, this has taken an interesting turn.

    I definitely agree with @TheCheeseWench. Hearing others opinions is refreshing. Your FI is not going to agree with you on everything. Having hard rules like this may make your FI feel like he can't express his true opinions for fear of you shutting him down without hearing him out. Or if he does express how he feels, you may end everything with him.

    Do my FH and I always agree on politics? Absolutely not!! Do I listen to, and respect his opinions? Absolutely!! And he will listen to and respect my opinions as well. It's actually fun to have a discussion and hear what he has to say. We were discussing gun rights yesterday (after the recent horrible televised shooting), and don't have exactly the same views. Will I end it because he doesn't agree with me? Hell no!! I love him, and respect his opinions, and we are able to discuss things openly and honestly, and we can agree to disagree on things. That is what relationships are all about.

    Have you asked your FI where he wants to get married? He may be just letting you have your way by getting married in your church. Does he, or did he attend a different church? Also, political views can change over time. I look back at who I voted for when I was 18, and find it so entertaining. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I would not have voted for the same person.

    knottie93f96a98e60cf4f2
  • Honestly -- what's bad about my plan? 
    Literally all of your fake constantly changing plan is bad.

    You can think it's as fake as you want, but it's just as real as the oxygen in the air we breathe. I'm getting married on November 26, 2016 at my church, and my reception is going to be in a renovated barn with my favorite DJ in town, and hopefully food from one of the best caterers I've ever had.
    At least we all know whose day it is. 
    It is my day. Mine and my fiance's. And I've asked him many times if he cares about any of these things, and the only one of them he might care about is the food, and that would be okay. We can change that.

    Also, I wouldn't even get engaged to a man who wouldn't marry in my church. That's a non negotiable. Just like politics, religion and willingness to adopt children. If you don't agree with me on any one of those categories, goodbye. I once had one date with a guy who otherwise seemed great, but when he said he would never adopt, the date was over and we never spoke again.


    I am genuinely frightened for a man I have never met. People this inflexible make life so much more difficult than it needs to be for everyone around them. If I had refused to budge from all of my opinions in my (we still have to guess on this chick) early 20's I would have missed out on so much happiness in life. When her man leaves her someday (and living with the damn Empress of the Universe, he WILL) she may learn that compromise is a blessing. I have learned and experiences so many new things by having to be open to the ideas and opinions of others. He probably claims not to have an opinion so he doesn't have to worry about accidentally giving the wrong answer and getting immediately dropped like the "otherwise great" guy who said one wrong thing on a date.

    Oh, and OP, NO, the fact that you are letting your Mother dictate much of your wedding because you want her $$$$ does NOT count as compromise. That counts as not wanting to pay for your own shit.
    I've disagreed with basically everything Sunshine has posted in regards to planning her wedding, but the bolded is a little harsh, man. We get pissed when SS come in and tell us they feel sorry for our husbands, why can we turn around and do the same? I think a simple "Compromise is a good thing" would have sufficed, instead of telling PP that her FI is going to leave her eventually.
    JediElizabeth
  • edited August 2015
    Honestly -- what's bad about my plan? 
    Literally all of your fake constantly changing plan is bad.

    You can think it's as fake as you want, but it's just as real as the oxygen in the air we breathe. I'm getting married on November 26, 2016 at my church, and my reception is going to be in a renovated barn with my favorite DJ in town, and hopefully food from one of the best caterers I've ever had.
    At least we all know whose day it is. 
    It is my day. Mine and my fiance's. And I've asked him many times if he cares about any of these things, and the only one of them he might care about is the food, and that would be okay. We can change that.

    Also, I wouldn't even get engaged to a man who wouldn't marry in my church. That's a non negotiable. Just like politics, religion and willingness to adopt children. If you don't agree with me on any one of those categories, goodbye. I once had one date with a guy who otherwise seemed great, but when he said he would never adopt, the date was over and we never spoke again.


    I am genuinely frightened for a man I have never met. People this inflexible make life so much more difficult than it needs to be for everyone around them. If I had refused to budge from all of my opinions in my (we still have to guess on this chick) early 20's I would have missed out on so much happiness in life. When her man leaves her someday (and living with the damn Empress of the Universe, he WILL) she may learn that compromise is a blessing. I have learned and experiences so many new things by having to be open to the ideas and opinions of others. He probably claims not to have an opinion so he doesn't have to worry about accidentally giving the wrong answer and getting immediately dropped like the "otherwise great" guy who said one wrong thing on a date.

    Oh, and OP, NO, the fact that you are letting your Mother dictate much of your wedding because you want her $$$$ does NOT count as compromise. That counts as not wanting to pay for your own shit.
    I've disagreed with basically everything Sunshine has posted in regards to planning her wedding, but the bolded is a little harsh, man. We get pissed when SS come in and tell us they feel sorry for our husbands, why can we turn around and do the same? I think a simple "Compromise is a good thing" would have sufficed, instead of telling PP that her FI is going to leave her eventually.


    @pambeesly524 I was not saying he would leave her for her wedding planning being over the top, it was what she said here (which I clarified above):


    "Also, I wouldn't even get engaged to a man who wouldn't marry in my church. That's a non negotiable. Just like politics, religion and willingness to adopt children. If you don't agree with me on any one of those categories, goodbye. I once had one date with a guy who otherwise seemed great, but when he said he would never adopt, the date was over and we never spoke again."

    For someone to be so unyielding in a relationship, they will have a very difficult time growing with another person. Are you and you SO the EXACT same people you were on your first date? The day you got engaged? On your wedding day? People grow together, but only if both people understand that we are constantly evolving, and are willing to allow that process to happen together. I simply cannot imagine being stuck for life with someone who would not allow me to mature into who I ultimately will be, or someone who would not be willing to think that there is something more they can learn from life. Nothing stays where nothing grows.

    At some point her FI may find that HIS ideals are shifting, but also fear repercussions for expressing them because of her hard and fast "rules". At some point everyone breaks down in that situation and has no choice but to go where they can be themselves. I don't think it is the same as saying "You are a meanie poopyface jerk and your FI is going to dump you for it". It is saying NO ONE worth marrying is going to want to live their life in fear of their own feelings or opinions, and ALL of us experience change in those things. That is why I suggested that perhaps with a little more maturity down the road, she may come to understand this.




    Edited because I HATE accidentally posting mid-reply
  • Oh. Well I appreciate you looking out for me, but even if only 50 people showed up I'd be happy (and we're inviting about 150). I get holiday traditions. My whole life Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday because I get to spend it with my family, so in a way, this is like an extension of the party.
    Well, it's an extension of the party for YOU. For me, it's not a Thanksgiving party without my family, so I certainly wouldn't attend. I'd only consider it for family or a very, very close friend and then only if the wedding itself was on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and on my way back home from family celebrations..
  • I know what you all think of me, and that's fine. But what's not fine is judging my relationship with my FI when you don't know either of us. You know what they say about people who assume...
  • I would just take everything that people say on here with a grain of salt. You come here for advice, to share, to vent, etc. and people will post their opinions.

    Honestly, the women on TK will give you the honest, blunt advice that your friends may sugarcoat. That's why I come on here. It's refreshing!

    You definitely don't have to agree with everything that is said, and yes some advice can be harsh, but just remember that people on here are really, seriously, trying to help you have a good wedding. They also make you very aware of your guests needs, wants, feelings, etc. It is extremely helpful if you read everything on here with an open mind.

    Going back to why you started this post, I hear you that you want to extend your families Thanksgiving, but what about all of your guests families and their Thanksgiving traditions? People were just trying to make you think about all of your guests before you go ahead and book something on Thanksgiving weekend. At the end of the day, it's your wedding and your decision.

    knottie93f96a98e60cf4f2
  • I thought about my VIPs and I asked them about 4 different dates or so, and they all said that Thanksgiving weekend was best...so I went ahead with that. If others can't come, oh well. No matter what date I choose there will be people who can't come.
  • I don't think there's anything wrong with never talking to someone again after a first date in which you discover a deal breaker. That's a totally normal part of dating. Ditto the religion stuff. I would never marry someone who doesn't share my faith, and I think that's a perfectly legitimate call to make.
    adwks
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I thought about my VIPs and I asked them about 4 different dates or so, and they all said that Thanksgiving weekend was best...so I went ahead with that. If others can't come, oh well. No matter what date I choose there will be people who can't come.
    Just keep in mind the Black Friday and "Black Weekend" craziness. I guarantee you someone will be running to Michael's, Walmart, or somewhere the day before or of the wedding. Schedule extra time for traffic and waiting in lines. And don't get trampled by the crowds! I wouldn't attend a Thanksgiving wedding for that reason - I refuse to leave my house that weekend except to go to work, lol. Plus after Thanksgiving, I just want to stay in, listen to Christmas music, and get fat on leftovers.

    Good luck with your planning. Try not to stress. Write everything down in a central place - Google docs, Excel file, notebook, binder, whatever. It's so easy to forget, and not only that, but to forget that you forgot. My mom and I had a lot of things planned within the first few months, but hit a period of about 4 months where we didn't talk about the wedding at all due to health issues, buying a house and renovating/moving, etc. Now that we're trying to pick up where we left off, we're a bit disorganized. That's one of the risks of a long engagement!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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