Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right. Where to go from here?

ScottishSarah

Hello, I was wondering if someone could give me some perceptive on something.

Last year my FI's Brother was getting married. They were so excited and told us all about their plans. FI brother asked him to wear a kilt (which FI hates but agreed to).  

Later on I got a message through Facebook from his B2B asking for my address to send me a bachelorette party invite.  So naturally we assumed we were invited.  

Back story, FI Dad had this brother with a different mother so they did not grown up together. However they are still close and have never fallen out. There are 2 'half' siblings (hate that word) FI and his sister.

Anyway the time of the Bach party comes around and no invite, however I did not chase it as I thought it would be rude to do so. Then the wedding draws near and still no invite.  I really needed to know what was happening to make plans so I sent FSiL a text message.  She responded that the 'Evening Invites' were going out next week and here are the details.  I was so shocked and upset, not for me but for my FI.  

He was particularly upset as he felt we were led to believe we would be there to witness his brothers ceremony.  Now I know why I didn't get a Bach party invite, as the guest list must have been cut right before the party.  I was also upset to learn that my FI's 'full' sister was going so he was being singled out just because we live in a different city so don't see them as much as her.

Okay we thought really hard about it and came to the conclusion that it was not worth us spending up to £600+ to attend this wedding for a few hours with a MFU cash bar.  Also I would have felt really awkward walking into a wedding after the sit down meal when everyone is already in their little cliques and half drunk.  The venue did have a hard limit of 60 people for dinner so it must have been a tough call to make but that didn't stop my FI from being hurt.  

Our bads

1. We did not attend his Brothers Wedding.

2. We declined on facebook.

3. We declined 1 week after the RSVP date and 1 week before the wedding.  (But the was no sit down meal or drinks costs for us so I don't think this cost them too much money.)

4. We did not send a gift or even a card!

ADVICE NEEDED!

We are now sending out Save the Dates for our wedding.  FI said his brother has forgiven him for the above.  But should I write a note to say we would really like them there and apologise again for not attending theirs?  Do I need to apologise again for my wrongs.  Or do two wrongs make a right in this situation?  (I was hurt, does she even know I was hurt?)

Our venue has accommodation for 40 of our 80 guests which we have hired as a treat for our closest friends/family. FI would like him to stay over.  My sister said we should not offer this to them because it might seem like we are rubbing it in their face.  Why should we feel bad that we carefully ensured that our guests are hosted properly?  Also if they don't show I can't B List the accommodation so it will cost us £100's.

Sorry it's so long, just needed a rant as well.  

Sarah

 

LondonLisa

Knottie80477196 said:

Hello, I was wondering if someone could give me some perceptive on something.

Last year my FI's Brother was getting married. They were so excited and told us all about their plans. FI brother asked him to wear a kilt (which FI hates but agreed to).  

Later on I got a message through Facebook from his B2B asking for my address to send me a bachelorette party invite.  So naturally we assumed we were invited.  

Back story, FI Dad had this brother with a different mother so they did not grown up together. However they are still close and have never fallen out. There are 2 'half' siblings (hate that word) FI and his sister.

Anyway the time of the Bach party comes around and no invite, however I did not chase it as I thought it would be rude to do so. Then the wedding draws near and still no invite.  I really needed to know what was happening to make plans so I sent FSiL a text message.  She responded that the 'Evening Invites' were going out next week and here are the details.  I was so shocked and upset, not for me but for my FI.  

He was particularly upset as he felt we were led to believe we would be there to witness his brothers ceremony.  Now I know why I didn't get a Bach party invite, as the guest list must have been cut right before the party.  I was also upset to learn that my FI's 'full' sister was going so he was being singled out just because we live in a different city so don't see them as much as her.

Okay we thought really hard about it and came to the conclusion that it was not worth us spending up to £600+ to attend this wedding for a few hours with a MFU cash bar.  Also I would have felt really awkward walking into a wedding after the sit down meal when everyone is already in their little cliques and half drunk.  The venue did have a hard limit of 60 people for dinner so it must have been a tough call to make but that didn't stop my FI from being hurt.  

Our bads

1. We did not attend his Brothers Wedding.

2. We declined on facebook.

3. We declined 1 week after the RSVP date and 1 week before the wedding.  (But the was no sit down meal or drinks costs for us so I don't think this cost them too much money.)

4. We did not send a gift or even a card!

ADVICE NEEDED!

We are now sending out Save the Dates for our wedding.  FI said his brother has forgiven him for the above.  But should I write a note to say we would really like them there and apologise again for not attending theirs?  Do I need to apologise again for my wrongs.  Or do two wrongs make a right in this situation?  (I was hurt, does she even know I was hurt?)

Our venue has accommodation for 40 of our 80 guests which we have hired as a treat for our closest friends/family. FI would like him to stay over.  My sister said we should not offer this to them because it might seem like we are rubbing it in their face.  Why should we feel bad that we carefully ensured that our guests are hosted properly?  Also if they don't show I can't B List the accommodation so it will cost us £100's.

Sorry it's so long, just needed a rant as well.  

Sarah

 

Ok, so there are several things here:

1.) Yes they were rude, and you are correct, 2 wrongs don't make a right. There are some crazy people in the UK that think evening guests are OK ( I am assuming you are British as well) - they aren't and this is a prime example of why they are just SO rude. 

2.) Yes, you should invite them. No, you should not mention why you didn't attend their wedding (technically you weren't invited to attend the wedding, so you shouldn't feel guilty). It would have been nice if you sent a card, but that ship has sailed.

3.) A bigger issue is it is fairly rude to offer only 1/2 your guest list free accommodation. If it was maybe 5 rooms (bridal party/parents) out of an 80 person wedding, I would understand, but what happens to the rest of your guests? Do they have to pay for their own accommodation? You are making a "tiered" reception, just like your BiL did. What happens to the other 1/2 that aren't deemed close enough to have a free room find out? I would say that you either only pay for parents/ bridal party or pay for all guests to have free accommodation. 

AddieCake

You've already apologized to them. You don't need to do it again. Invite them to stay over if you want, don't if you don't. It's not rubbing anything in anyone's face. Tiered receptions I know are acceptable in the UK, but is B listing also? Both are appalling here in the U.S. So be prepared for flack on that in this discussion.

LondonLisa

AddieCake said:

You've already apologized to them. You don't need to do it again. Invite them to stay over if you want, don't if you don't. It's not rubbing anything in anyone's face. Tiered receptions I know are acceptable in the UK, but is B listing also? Both are appalling here in the U.S. So be prepared for flack on that in this discussion.

Both are considered extremely rude in the UK. A few chavy people started doing it but it is the "honeyfund" of the UK. 

AddieCake

LondonLisa said:

AddieCake said:

You've already apologized to them. You don't need to do it again. Invite them to stay over if you want, don't if you don't. It's not rubbing anything in anyone's face. Tiered receptions I know are acceptable in the UK, but is B listing also? Both are appalling here in the U.S. So be prepared for flack on that in this discussion.

Both are considered extremely rude in the UK. A few chavy people started doing it but it is the "honeyfund" of the UK. 

Ahhh! Good to know!

thefanciestbeckler

You don't need to apologize again. If your FI's brother has forgiven him then it is all water under the bridge now. Invite them and treat them just like you would treat the rest of your family.

STARMOON44

What are you even talking about? No you don't need to apologize to them again because they were rude to you. If you want them at your wedding, just invite them.

ScottishSarah

LondonLisa said:

Knottie80477196 said:

Hello, I was wondering if someone could give me some perceptive on something.

Last year my FI's Brother was getting married. They were so excited and told us all about their plans. FI brother asked him to wear a kilt (which FI hates but agreed to).  

Later on I got a message through Facebook from his B2B asking for my address to send me a bachelorette party invite.  So naturally we assumed we were invited.  

Back story, FI Dad had this brother with a different mother so they did not grown up together. However they are still close and have never fallen out. There are 2 'half' siblings (hate that word) FI and his sister.

Anyway the time of the Bach party comes around and no invite, however I did not chase it as I thought it would be rude to do so. Then the wedding draws near and still no invite.  I really needed to know what was happening to make plans so I sent FSiL a text message.  She responded that the 'Evening Invites' were going out next week and here are the details.  I was so shocked and upset, not for me but for my FI.  

He was particularly upset as he felt we were led to believe we would be there to witness his brothers ceremony.  Now I know why I didn't get a Bach party invite, as the guest list must have been cut right before the party.  I was also upset to learn that my FI's 'full' sister was going so he was being singled out just because we live in a different city so don't see them as much as her.

Okay we thought really hard about it and came to the conclusion that it was not worth us spending up to £600+ to attend this wedding for a few hours with a MFU cash bar.  Also I would have felt really awkward walking into a wedding after the sit down meal when everyone is already in their little cliques and half drunk.  The venue did have a hard limit of 60 people for dinner so it must have been a tough call to make but that didn't stop my FI from being hurt.  

Our bads

1. We did not attend his Brothers Wedding.

2. We declined on facebook.

3. We declined 1 week after the RSVP date and 1 week before the wedding.  (But the was no sit down meal or drinks costs for us so I don't think this cost them too much money.)

4. We did not send a gift or even a card!

ADVICE NEEDED!

We are now sending out Save the Dates for our wedding.  FI said his brother has forgiven him for the above.  But should I write a note to say we would really like them there and apologise again for not attending theirs?  Do I need to apologise again for my wrongs.  Or do two wrongs make a right in this situation?  (I was hurt, does she even know I was hurt?)

Our venue has accommodation for 40 of our 80 guests which we have hired as a treat for our closest friends/family. FI would like him to stay over.  My sister said we should not offer this to them because it might seem like we are rubbing it in their face.  Why should we feel bad that we carefully ensured that our guests are hosted properly?  Also if they don't show I can't B List the accommodation so it will cost us £100's.

Sorry it's so long, just needed a rant as well.  

Sarah

 

Ok, so there are several things here:

1.) Yes they were rude, and you are correct, 2 wrongs don't make a right. There are some crazy people in the UK that think evening guests are OK ( I am assuming you are British as well) - they aren't and this is a prime example of why they are just SO rude. 

2.) Yes, you should invite them. No, you should not mention why you didn't attend their wedding (technically you weren't invited to attend the wedding, so you shouldn't feel guilty). It would have been nice if you sent a card, but that ship has sailed.

3.) A bigger issue is it is fairly rude to offer only 1/2 your guest list free accommodation. If it was maybe 5 rooms (bridal party/parents) out of an 80 person wedding, I would understand, but what happens to the rest of your guests? Do they have to pay for their own accommodation? You are making a "tiered" reception, just like your BiL did. What happens to the other 1/2 that aren't deemed close enough to have a free room find out? I would say that you either only pay for parents/ bridal party or pay for all guests to have free accommodation. 

I know what you mean about the accommodation. In an ideal world we were looking for somewhere with room for ALL guests to stay over but couldn't manage it. Therefore we decided that we would offer it to my family and our bridal parties. It felt awful to 'charge' people for their stay, and at the same time we can't afford to pay for our work mates etc hotel bills. So it is what it is.

LondonLisa

Knottie80477196 said:

Knottie80477196 said:

Hello, I was wondering if someone could give me some perceptive on something.

Last year my FI's Brother was getting married. They were so excited and told us all about their plans. FI brother asked him to wear a kilt (which FI hates but agreed to).  

Later on I got a message through Facebook from his B2B asking for my address to send me a bachelorette party invite.  So naturally we assumed we were invited.  

Back story, FI Dad had this brother with a different mother so they did not grown up together. However they are still close and have never fallen out. There are 2 'half' siblings (hate that word) FI and his sister.

Anyway the time of the Bach party comes around and no invite, however I did not chase it as I thought it would be rude to do so. Then the wedding draws near and still no invite.  I really needed to know what was happening to make plans so I sent FSiL a text message.  She responded that the 'Evening Invites' were going out next week and here are the details.  I was so shocked and upset, not for me but for my FI.  

He was particularly upset as he felt we were led to believe we would be there to witness his brothers ceremony.  Now I know why I didn't get a Bach party invite, as the guest list must have been cut right before the party.  I was also upset to learn that my FI's 'full' sister was going so he was being singled out just because we live in a different city so don't see them as much as her.

Okay we thought really hard about it and came to the conclusion that it was not worth us spending up to £600+ to attend this wedding for a few hours with a MFU cash bar.  Also I would have felt really awkward walking into a wedding after the sit down meal when everyone is already in their little cliques and half drunk.  The venue did have a hard limit of 60 people for dinner so it must have been a tough call to make but that didn't stop my FI from being hurt.  

Our bads

1. We did not attend his Brothers Wedding.

2. We declined on facebook.

3. We declined 1 week after the RSVP date and 1 week before the wedding.  (But the was no sit down meal or drinks costs for us so I don't think this cost them too much money.)

4. We did not send a gift or even a card!

ADVICE NEEDED!

We are now sending out Save the Dates for our wedding.  FI said his brother has forgiven him for the above.  But should I write a note to say we would really like them there and apologise again for not attending theirs?  Do I need to apologise again for my wrongs.  Or do two wrongs make a right in this situation?  (I was hurt, does she even know I was hurt?)

Our venue has accommodation for 40 of our 80 guests which we have hired as a treat for our closest friends/family. FI would like him to stay over.  My sister said we should not offer this to them because it might seem like we are rubbing it in their face.  Why should we feel bad that we carefully ensured that our guests are hosted properly?  Also if they don't show I can't B List the accommodation so it will cost us £100's.

Sorry it's so long, just needed a rant as well.  

Sarah

 

Ok, so there are several things here:

1.) Yes they were rude, and you are correct, 2 wrongs don't make a right. There are some crazy people in the UK that think evening guests are OK ( I am assuming you are British as well) - they aren't and this is a prime example of why they are just SO rude. 

2.) Yes, you should invite them. No, you should not mention why you didn't attend their wedding (technically you weren't invited to attend the wedding, so you shouldn't feel guilty). It would have been nice if you sent a card, but that ship has sailed.

3.) A bigger issue is it is fairly rude to offer only 1/2 your guest list free accommodation. If it was maybe 5 rooms (bridal party/parents) out of an 80 person wedding, I would understand, but what happens to the rest of your guests? Do they have to pay for their own accommodation? You are making a "tiered" reception, just like your BiL did. What happens to the other 1/2 that aren't deemed close enough to have a free room find out? I would say that you either only pay for parents/ bridal party or pay for all guests to have free accommodation. 

I know what you mean about the accommodation. In an ideal world we were looking for somewhere with room for ALL guests to stay over but couldn't manage it. Therefore we decided that we would offer it to my family and our bridal parties. It felt awful to 'charge' people for their stay, and at the same time we can't afford to pay for our work mates etc hotel bills. So it is what it is.

It is fine if you pay for your immediate family and bridal party, but that is not 40 people out of a 80 person guest list. But I think it is pretty rude to do it for 1/2 of your guests. Can the venue just deduct this amount and other people can book directly?

If I found out that 1/2 the guests at a wedding I was attending received free accommodation I would be pretty shocked. It is really, really rude to tier your guests in any way, and 1/2 with free accommodation and 1/2 without will really ruin some relationships.  I would especially not do this to work colleagues as this could negatively affect your career. It is fine to have people pay for their own accommodation, but it is not OK to do it for only 1/2 the guest list. 

redwoodoriginal

I don't even understand why you had to apologize. You declined in a way that let them know, and no one is required to get someone a gift or card for their tiered, rude ass hell wedding. THEY should be the ones apologizing to YOU! Like wtf do they need to forgive you for? Not spending a ton of money to go to a party where you were an after thought? No thank you.... Invite them if you want but if it were me it'd be a warm day in hell before I paid for their accommodations and apologized for not doing anything wrong.

ScottishSarah

AddieCake said:

You've already apologized to them. You don't need to do it again. Invite them to stay over if you want, don't if you don't. It's not rubbing anything in anyone's face. Tiered receptions I know are acceptable in the UK, but is B listing also? Both are appalling here in the U.S. So be prepared for flack on that in this discussion.

Sorry but I don't think I'm B listing. Do you mean having back up guests that you invite if you get declines? We are not doing that. Or is it something else? I am Brittish.

ScottishSarah

The 40 people (minus my FI share) is pretty much my immediate family and our bridal party once you include their partners and children and plus ones for the single guests. I totally get what you're saying but the only alternative is to charge my bridesmaids etc for accommodation to make it 'fair' and I really can't do it! I don't like it either as the venue is 1 hours drive so people would have to stay over if they want to drink. Arggg!!!

JediElizabeth

For accommodations, I think it's ok as long as you do "circles" - as you've said, only bridal party & family. Unless you make it part of the reception (ex, calling it a "weekend-long wedding" when you're only hosting the second part for some), hotel stays separate from the wedding itself.

No coworker should talk bad about you if they hear that the family was given a room for the night but they were not. On the other hand, if non-BP one friend got a room, others will certainly feel bad that they were not. Also, if your family gets accommodations, but his family does not, that will probably cause a stir, and rightfully so. 

I actually wasn't sure about that, since you said "offer it to my family and our bridal parties." Is that just your family, or your combined families?

ScottishSarah

Local accommodation is around £65 for a double room at the nearest 4 star hotel (I get friends and family rates) so it's not too expense but our budget has gone on hosting our guests so that ship has sailed.

ScottishSarah

We are doing it in circles. The accomdation consists of cottages, so one for us, one for my family, one for bridesmaids, one for groomsmen, and one technically for his family, but he doesn't want them staying over now. Hope I'm making sense here!!

We have booked the minimum of 4 nights but expect most people to only stay 1 night apart from my Step Mum and MOH who want to hang out with us.

LondonLisa

Knottie80477196 said:

We are doing it in circles. The accomdation consists of cottages, so one for us, one for my family, one for bridesmaids, one for groomsmen, and one technically for his family, but he doesn't want them staying over now. Hope I'm making sense here!! We have booked the minimum of 4 nights but expect most people to only stay 1 night apart from my Step Mum and MOH who want to hang out with us.

Ok, this is better than just saying you are paying for 1/2 of the guests's accommodation. But I would suggest you keep it to these circles, even if he doesn't want his family staying over. I think once you start bringing in other groups with accommodation, it turns into a grey area. 

thisismynickname2

redwoodoriginal said:

I don't even understand why you had to apologize. You declined in a way that let them know, and no one is required to get someone a gift or card for their tiered, rude ass hell wedding. THEY should be the ones apologizing to YOU! Like wtf do they need to forgive you for? Not spending a ton of money to go to a party where you were an after thought? No thank you.... Invite them if you want but if it were me it'd be a warm day in hell before I paid for their accommodations and apologized for not doing anything wrong.

I share these sentiments ^^^^^

ScottishSarah

1/4 of the accommodation was earmarked initially for his family, but at the end of the day that's his choice. He is very strong willed. But on my side I have certainly not invited one friend to stay and not others in that circle. My list is just Dad, step mum, brother, sister, bridesmaids with families/ partners and my only uncle. I have no other family outside of 2nd and third cousins that could really be offended by not getting free accommodation.

Jen4948

Knottie80477196 said:

You've already apologized to them. You don't need to do it again. Invite them to stay over if you want, don't if you don't. It's not rubbing anything in anyone's face. Tiered receptions I know are acceptable in the UK, but is B listing also? Both are appalling here in the U.S. So be prepared for flack on that in this discussion.

Sorry but I don't think I'm B listing. Do you mean having back up guests that you invite if you get declines? We are not doing that. Or is it something else? I am Brittish.

Yes, B listing is inviting guests after other invitees declined the invitation.  It's considered extremely rude in the US.

ScottishSarah

This is very helpful, I'm not going to apologise again, I will just send the invite and hope they will come. I can't control my FI's actions. He has just as much say in the wedding as I do, and if he doesn't want his family to stay at the venue then this is his choice. I have been very careful to invite only certain circles to stay over as described above.

In Scotland it is not considered bad etiquette for guests to have to pay for their own hotel. I just wanted to do something nice for my nearest and dearest.

LondonLisa

Knottie80477196 said:

This is very helpful, I'm not going to apologise again, I will just send the invite and hope they will come. I can't control my FI's actions. He has just as much say in the wedding as I do, and if he doesn't want his family to stay at the venue then this is his choice. I have been very careful to invite only certain circles to stay over as described above. In Scotland it is not considered bad etiquette for guests to have to pay for their own hotel. I just wanted to do something nice for my nearest and dearest.

Just to clarify, I do not think it is rude for guests to pay for their own accomodation. What can be a grey area is when you say that you are paying for the accomodation for 1/2 the people attending. But as it is cottages that you have arranged and it is family only, I think you are fine. It can be considered rude when your friend Jane mentions to your other friend Fiona, about how nice it is that you are paying for a hotel, and Fiona hasn't been considered a close enough friend. But when you are clear about the divisions (such as immediate family and bridal party) you should be in the clear.

I originally thought you were paying for 1/2 of your friends but not the other 1/2.

ScottishSarah

We are not doing that (Blisting), our guest list is fixed and any declines will allow us to upgrade other areas.

julieanne912

One solution to help out those who aren't staying at the venue, would be to arrange a shuttle to get them from whatever hotel is nearby, to the venue.  That way they can still have a good time at your reception and get back to their hotel safely without driving themselves.   Would be cheaper than paying for rooms and everyone would be covered.

[Deleted User]

Knottie80477196 said:

We are not doing that (Blisting), our guest list is fixed and any declines will allow us to upgrade other areas.

The "reply" button doesn't do what you think it should do.  Use the "quote" button.

ScottishSarah

julieanne912 said:

One solution to help out those who aren't staying at the venue, would be to arrange a shuttle to get them from whatever hotel is nearby, to the venue.  That way they can still have a good time at your reception and get back to their hotel safely without driving themselves.   Would be cheaper than paying for rooms and everyone would be covered.

This is a good idea actually. Cheers

SP29

Ok, first, do not apologize again. I don't know why you had to apologize in the first place? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. They were rude to you. Ok, technically you should have RSVP'd no by the RSVP date- but you are right, it's not like they needed the count for dinner, and you technically were not invited to the wedding. *They* invited you to a tiered event, which was also not properly hosted. Technically, you can decline any event by any means of communication. Facebook isn't the best way, but you didn't need to formally return the RSVP card. Gifts are never required, so you weren't wrong because you didn't send one. Overall, you shouldn't feel bad because you "didn't attend their wedding", because in actuality, you were not invited to their wedding.

Invite them if you want them there. No apologies. You are not rubbing anything in.

I agree with the general sentiments on accommodations- keep it to specific circles. If you want to offer them a room as part of your FI's family, then go ahead.

Paying for hotel/lodging is never required- that is a guests responsibility. A shuttle service is also never required (adults can figure out their own transportation), but it is a nice gesture if it's in the budget.

ScottishSarah

SP29 said:

Ok, first, do not apologize again. I don't know why you had to apologize in the first place? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. They were rude to you. Ok, technically you should have RSVP'd no by the RSVP date- but you are right, it's not like they needed the count for dinner, and you technically were not invited to the wedding. *They* invited you to a tiered event, which was also not properly hosted. Technically, you can decline any event by any means of communication. Facebook isn't the best way, but you didn't need to formally return the RSVP card. Gifts are never required, so you weren't wrong because you didn't send one. Overall, you shouldn't feel bad because you "didn't attend their wedding", because in actuality, you were not invited to their wedding.

Invite them if you want them there. No apologies. You are not rubbing anything in.

I agree with the general sentiments on accommodations- keep it to specific circles. If you want to offer them a room as part of your FI's family, then go ahead.

Paying for hotel/lodging is never required- that is a guests responsibility. A shuttle service is also never required (adults can figure out their own transportation), but it is a nice gesture if it's in the budget.

Thank you for this! I've been feeling like a bit of a shit person since this went down. Xxx

huskypuppy14

OP, you did nothing wrong. Yes, you should have responded by the RSVP date, but that is so minor compared to what they did to you, you shouldn't even worry about it. Not sure what you need to apologize for.

AddieCake said:

You've already apologized to them. You don't need to do it again. Invite them to stay over if you want, don't if you don't. It's not rubbing anything in anyone's face. Tiered receptions I know are acceptable in the UK, but is B listing also? Both are appalling here in the U.S. So be prepared for flack on that in this discussion.

Addie, what did the OP do to get flack. She did not/is not b listing.

Also, in regard to the accommodations, I disagree with everyone else. If some people get free accommodations from you, that is not really anyone else's business. Sometimes life isn't fair. Accommodations are not the same as properly hosting a reception- so it's not the same as a tiered reception, not even close. The host is not required to pay for accommodations, so if they do it's a bonus, not an entitlement. 

kvruns

I am having trouble coming to terms with the whole "FI's brother has forgiven him".  Uhhh shouldn't it have been the other way around? You and FI don't owe them any sort of apology other than sorry our RSVP was a week late, other than that you didn't do anything wrong on rude. You didn't attend a wedding you weren't invited to and you didn't send a gift - not required.

If you want them at yours, invite them. There's no rubbing it in anyone's face, period. Every wedding is different and you are hosting properly

SP29

kvruns said:

I am having trouble coming to terms with the whole "FI's brother has forgiven him".  Uhhh shouldn't it have been the other way around? You and FI don't owe them any sort of apology other than sorry our RSVP was a week late, other than that you didn't do anything wrong on rude. You didn't attend a wedding you weren't invited to and you didn't send a gift - not required.

If you want them at yours, invite them. There's no rubbing it in anyone's face, period. Every wedding is different and you are hosting properly

I agree, if anyone should forgive, it should be your FI forgiving his brother.

ScottishSarah

OP, you did nothing wrong. Yes, you should have responded by the RSVP date, but that is so minor compared to what they did to you, you shouldn't even worry about it. Not sure what you need to apologize for.

AddieCake said:

You've already apologized to them. You don't need to do it again. Invite them to stay over if you want, don't if you don't. It's not rubbing anything in anyone's face. Tiered receptions I know are acceptable in the UK, but is B listing also? Both are appalling here in the U.S. So be prepared for flack on that in this discussion.

Addie, what did the OP do to get flack. She did not/is not b listing.

Also, in regard to the accommodations, I disagree with everyone else. If some people get free accommodations from you, that is not really anyone else's business. Sometimes life isn't fair. Accommodations are not the same as properly hosting a reception- so it's not the same as a tiered reception, not even close. The host is not required to pay for accommodations, so if they do it's a bonus, not an entitlement. 

Thank you for this I was starting to get really worried!!! 

I've been lurking these boards to discover all the things we need to do to properly host our guests. I really didn't think I was doing anything wrong until those comments. We are hosting beer wine and soft drinks all day and night, have lots of good food / taking care of dietary requirements, have back up areas for outdoor spaces in case of hot/cold weather, enough chairs, have followed correct etiquette for invites, gift list and rsvp dates, we are not making our bridal party slaves, no horrible BLists, seriously we are trying so hard to do this right! 

When people said I was creating a tiered reception by offering some guests accommodation I was really upset and started to feel guilty. But at the end of the day I really didn't want my VIPs to have to go to any undue expense. 

I agree with PPs that there is no way my 2nd and 3rd cousins and current and ex work mates are going to have any issue whatsoever if I chose to rent a cottage for my close family and bridal party. I don't have many close friends and family so I want them to feel valued. 

Our other guests can chose to come or not, and choose to book a hotel or not drink and drive home and that is their choice. Like people are always saying on these boards, it's an invite not a summons. 

As for BIL, I'm not apologising, we will just invite them and hope they come and then we can all put this horrible thing behind us. 

Thank you for everyone's comments. Even if I didn't agree with all of it, it was still really helpful. These boards are invaluable when planning!!! 

Sarah xxx