Maid of Honor Dropped Out

FutureMrsHern

My Maid of Honor decided to back out due to her wanting to move to another state next year. She is married with 2 kids and claims she does not want to take money away from her family to be in my wedding. I asked her a year ago and we are still another year away from the wedding. I planned it so far out so people would have time to save. Although I do somewhat understand her reasoning, she is treating me poorly because I am not acting like it's okay. She honestly expects me to act as though I'm not disappointed that she won't be there. And when I expressed that I understood but was disappointed I got these responses: You don't understand because you don't have kids, you need to pop a Xanax and stop being all nuts (for the record I have not yelled, or acted crazy at all about this), and that I'm being super bratty because I won't get over it and just be happy that she wants to move to a better place. Am I crazy here or is she just being unreasonable??

Maggie0829

You are allowed to be disappointed.  And you are allowed to be hurt.  And you are allowed to tell your friend that.  It sucks that she dropped out and will not be there but that is her choice to make and it seems that you understand that choice and have accepted it. The fact that she cannot understand your disappointment kind of shows her true colors as your friend.  And the fact that she is telling you that you are crazy and being a brat because you are upset that your dear friend will no longer be in your wedding or be at your wedding makes me think that you may be better off without her.

FutureMrsHern

Thank you! I usually wouldn't post about something like this but I really needed an objective view to make sure I wasn't missing something. She is now threatening to post our entire text conversation on facebook which is fine by me. I didn't say anything wrong or hurtful to her. I think maybe her guilt is just getting to her and she doesn't know how to handle it. Thanks again!

Maggie0829

FutureMrsHern said:

Thank you! I usually wouldn't post about something like this but I really needed an objective view to make sure I wasn't missing something. She is now threatening to post our entire text conversation on facebook which is fine by me. I didn't say anything wrong or hurtful to her. I think maybe her guilt is just getting to her and she doesn't know how to handle it. Thanks again!

What, is she 12?  That is beyond immature.  If I were you I would start putting some distance between you and this person because she sounds very "me, me, me."

Jen4948

FutureMrsHern said:

My Maid of Honor decided to back out due to her wanting to move to another state next year. She is married with 2 kids and claims she does not want to take money away from her family to be in my wedding. I asked her a year ago and we are still another year away from the wedding. I planned it so far out so people would have time to save. Although I do somewhat understand her reasoning, she is treating me poorly because I am not acting like it's okay. She honestly expects me to act as though I'm not disappointed that she won't be there. And when I expressed that I understood but was disappointed I got these responses: You don't understand because you don't have kids, you need to pop a Xanax and stop being all nuts (for the record I have not yelled, or acted crazy at all about this), and that I'm being super bratty because I won't get over it and just be happy that she wants to move to a better place. Am I crazy here or is she just being unreasonable??

It sounds to me like you're the one who will be better off without her in your life because she is being crazy and unreasonable.

TrixieJess

FutureMrsHern said:

My Maid of Honor decided to back out due to her wanting to move to another state next year. She is married with 2 kids and claims she does not want to take money away from her family to be in my wedding. I asked her a year ago and we are still another year away from the wedding. I planned it so far out so people would have time to save. Although I do somewhat understand her reasoning, she is treating me poorly because I am not acting like it's okay. She honestly expects me to act as though I'm not disappointed that she won't be there. And when I expressed that I understood but was disappointed I got these responses: You don't understand because you don't have kids, you need to pop a Xanax and stop being all nuts (for the record I have not yelled, or acted crazy at all about this), and that I'm being super bratty because I won't get over it and just be happy that she wants to move to a better place. Am I crazy here or is she just being unreasonable??

FWIW: This is why we tell brides not to pick their wedding party until 6-9 months out. You never know the circumstances that may change. 

What money would she have had to save for your wedding? Would she have to travel? I would have hoped you would have talked to her about her budget for a dress before picking anything. 

I agree with Maggie, feel disappointed, then move on.

FutureMrsHern

Thanks! Yes, we talked extensively about how this would impact her financially. I also asked her to think about it for a couple of days and talk about it with her husband prior to saying yes. She assured me even 2 months ago that it wouldn't be a problem. I am already over it but what I have an issue with is her reaction after she backed out. The way she is speaking to me is unacceptable. So I think I'm going to let her go. I have 3 other amazing women in my wedding so all will be fine.  

FutureMrsHern

Thank you Jen4948! That's what I thought. Glad I found out how loopy she is now!

Maggie0829

OP, I am sorry that your friend is acting like this.  But like you said, it is good that you found out her true colors now.  Enjoy the rest of your wedding planning and the company of your other friends.

OliveOilsMom

OP - Sorry that this happened to you.  As PP said, you are entitled to feel however you want about this and explain those feelings to your friend.  Her reaction to your feelings speaks volumes.

Please do not promote another BM to MOH.  Just do not have an MOH.

princessleia22

FutureMrsHern said:

My Maid of Honor decided to back out due to her wanting to move to another state next year. She is married with 2 kids and claims she does not want to take money away from her family to be in my wedding. I asked her a year ago and we are still another year away from the wedding. I planned it so far out so people would have time to save. Although I do somewhat understand her reasoning, she is treating me poorly because I am not acting like it's okay. She honestly expects me to act as though I'm not disappointed that she won't be there. And when I expressed that I understood but was disappointed I got these responses: You don't understand because you don't have kids, you need to pop a Xanax and stop being all nuts (for the record I have not yelled, or acted crazy at all about this), and that I'm being super bratty because I won't get over it and just be happy that she wants to move to a better place. Am I crazy here or is she just being unreasonable??

Yes, it sucks and you are allowed to be disappointed. From what you've written, I think you are both being a bit crazy over this though. She has her own life and own choices to make.  You may not know all the details of her finances and if she would rather not spend the money to be MOH, that's her choice. Traveling may not be feasible for her finances. Her responses to you didn't sound the most friendly. But, from her comments, I suspect that you have gone a bit overboard with your reaction also.  When she said that she couldn't do it, you should have said you were disappointed, but understanding, then let it drop.  But, her comments of "being super bratty because I won't get over it" makes me think that you have repeatedly mentioned it and you aren't letting it drop.  It's okay to be disappointed, but you can't force her to be your MOH, and continuing to nag her could cost you the friendship. You may not agree with her choice in priorities, but you need to let it go.  And, yeah, maybe it wouldn't hurt to show some excitement that she has some big things going on in her life too. Why should she show excitement for your big life event if you aren't excited for hers?

downtondiva

While you can't expect people to put their lives on hold to be in your wedding, your friend's reaction to your disappointment was definitely unreasonable. That said, I don't know how many times you told her you were disappointed; if it was more than once or twice, she might have been feeling a bit defensive, which can make people very nasty. I'm not defending your friend by any means because her comments were horrible; I'm only saying that dwelling on things usually makes it worse. Anyway, time to enjoy the rest of your wedding planning with your other friends and family.

Side note to lurkers: this is why you shouldn't pick and ask your bridal party too far before the wedding. Relationships and circumstances can change a lot.

TheCheeseWench

Let it go. I now have a "maybe" bridesmaid (one who would have had her feelings hurt had she not been asked). This week she announced that she isn't coming unless 2 of our other friends go, because they can fly her there and back in their private plane, since she now wants to help with a habitat for humanity house the next morning with a group from work. I just told her that I of course hope she can be there, but no big deal if she can't. She'll either pick out a pink-ish dress and join us, or I'll have one fewer BM than FI has GM, and that's fine. Getting upset over it would do me zero good.

Also as @OliveOilsMom said, please do not replace her with another MOH. Just don't have one. I intentionally don't have one (I didn't want to choose one friend over another) and the world is not coming to a firey end.

CMGragain

You asked someone to be your matron if honor TWO YEARS before your wedding?  What were you thinking?

FutureMrsHern

To set the record straight I only said I was disappointed ONCE! and moved on. It was her reaction to me saying I was disappointed that is what I was surprised by and what caused me to defend my feelings. I am not unreasonable or demanding. I haven't asked my bridal party for anything as of yet. I asked her 2 years ago (a few weeks after getting engaged) because SHE told me flat out that if I wanted her in the wedding, she needed as much time and notice as possible. So, that was the reason for asking in advance. Also, I would never ask someone to take her place. That would just make the others feel second rate. Thanks for all the comments.

Maggie0829

CMGragain said:

You asked someone to be your matron if honor TWO YEARS before your wedding?  What were you thinking?

Was this really necessary?  This is in no way helpful to OP.  What would you like her to do, figure out time travel so she can go back in time and undo asking this person?

fyrchk

CMGragain said:

You asked someone to be your matron if honor TWO YEARS before your wedding?  What were you thinking?

This was rude. Not everyone starts reading The Knot before they get engaged. And while, yes, picking out your wedding party that far in advance can lead to issues, how is this necessary? I, for one, didn't start looking at this website until I'd been engaged for awhile, so I didn't know to wait until closer to the wedding. And this kind of post would have just pissed me off.

Edit: Words are hard.