Etiquette

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NdeplascoNdeplasco
First Anniversary
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edited August 2015 in Etiquette

Re: .

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    Ndeplasco said:
    My former maid of honor and our best man recently broke up after being together for 5 years. I say " former " maid of honor ,because when I injtjally asked Her over a year ago - she was one of the most dependable people I knew and so excited to help- but months before the wedding , when we were starting to get things together and making concrete plans to get certain things done- she would disappear and not answer her phone or show up for anything. When I'd finally talk to her , her reasoning wasn't due to an emergency but rather because she went out drinking or went to the beach last minute. I didn't feel supported and she didn't seem into being in the role anymore, so I had to move another bridesmaid into that spot. So now , the former maid of honor - now bridesmaid and best man have broken up- RSVP's are sent back and we are finalizing the guest count with the venue - we have a month until the wedding and are anticipating less people attend than were invited, so we can stay within our budget. Now the best man and bridesmaid have both either assumed or asked if they get a plus one , although they were initially invited together. I know they might feel awkward - and I don't plan to seat them together or anything - but I also think if they bring dates, it is going to stir up some kind of drama ... not to mention I did not account for two additional people last minute! The best man has voiced his assumption of a plus one to a mutual friend, so my fiancée is handling that - and I told my bridesmaid that due to our guest count not changing due to them breaking up, since they're both still attending , and our need to stay within our budget - I unfortunstely cannot add a plus one... It being so last minute and the fact that not every guest is invited with a plus one - I feel like I can make this call without seeming like a jerk ... And I know etiquette says the wedding party should all have plus ones - but we already have so much finalized and I don't think this is the kind of thing we should have to accommodate. Has anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it ? Thanks !

    You were wrong to replace her. All she has to do is show up on time, sober, and in the correct clothes on the wedding day. That's all ANY of your wedding party has to do. You owe an apology for that. Are you giving other single guests dates? If so, they should get dates as well. You're fine not to allow them dates if no singles are getting plus ones, but I always feel that your wedding party should be allowed dates even if nobody else is. That's not an etiquette rule, just my personal philosophy. You can't squeeze just 2 more into the budget?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    KittenMittens84OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueens
  • My former maid of honor and our best man recently broke up after being together for 5 years. I say " former " maid of honor ,because when I injtjally asked Her over a year ago - she was one of the most dependable people I knew and so excited to help- but months before the wedding , when we were starting to get things together and making concrete plans to get certain things done- she would disappear and not answer her phone or show up for anything. When I'd finally talk to her , her reasoning wasn't due to an emergency but rather because she went out drinking or went to the beach last minute. I didn't feel supported and she didn't seem into being in the role anymore, so I had to move another bridesmaid into that spot. So now , the former maid of honor - now bridesmaid and best man have broken up- RSVP's are sent back and we are finalizing the guest count with the venue - we have a month until the wedding and are anticipating less people attend than were invited, so we can stay within our budget. Now the best man and bridesmaid have both either assumed or asked if they get a plus one , although they were initially invited together. I know they might feel awkward - and I don't plan to seat them together or anything - but I also think if they bring dates, it is going to stir up some kind of drama ... not to mention I did not account for two additional people last minute! The best man has voiced his assumption of a plus one to a mutual friend, so my fiancée is handling that - and I told my bridesmaid that due to our guest count not changing due to them breaking up, since they're both still attending , and our need to stay within our budget - I unfortunstely cannot add a plus one... It being so last minute and the fact that not every guest is invited with a plus one - I feel like I can make this call without seeming like a jerk ... And I know etiquette says the wedding party should all have plus ones - but we already have so much finalized and I don't think this is the kind of thing we should have to accommodate. Has anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it ? Thanks !

    Are two people going to effect your budget that much? If these people are your friends and it means that much to you for them to be there it would be a nice gesture.Is it required, no. But you state you are having less people attend than you invited so would that not open up some money in the food budget?

    On a side not for the bolded,you should not have demoted your MOH and replaced her with another bridesmaid.  Just because she is not as thrilled as you are about your wedding doesn't mean she does not care. MOH's and BM's are not  required to help you plan or set up your wedding. You and your FI are. These people are up there with you as you are honoring them.

    adk19SP29InLoveInQueens
  • LD1970LD1970
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    edited August 2015
    This is presumably your best friend, since you asked her to be your MOH.

    You "demoted" (in quotation marks because being a MOH isn't a job) her for NO reason, replaced her with another human, and LIED to her about your budget not being able to accommodate a date for her. And you have your FI lying to his best friend the same way.

    With friends like you, these people don't need enemies.

    What you do is thank your lucky stars these too-nice people are still willing to be friends with you, apologize, and tell them they can bring dates.

    Etiquette be damned, that's what being a good FRIEND is.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    adk19
  • Are they now in other relationships? If so, then their new SO's need to be invited, even if it's a brand new thing.

    If not, I'd tread carefully. Are they spiteful people, or was it a bad breakup? If you really think they'd cause drama over their ex's dates, and the other single people of the wedding aren't getting +1s, I would skip it. If they're chill people who won't stir trouble (either by provoking, like making out with a new date in front of the ex, or causing a scene by rising to said bait), I think it's fine to give them a +1.

    Remember that even though you'er getting married, and this is a wonderful important time for you, you're also their friend and they're going through a really tough time (I assume, if they're getting out of a 5 year relationship). How can you best support them? By giving them a friend to share the evening with, or by preventing their ex from having an outlet for their spite? I don't know if we have enough information to answer that here, but you should be thinking about that when you make your decision.
    SP29simcal18InLoveInQueens
  • AddieCake said:
    Ndeplasco said:
    My former maid of honor and our best man recently broke up after being together for 5 years. I say " former " maid of honor ,because when I injtjally asked Her over a year ago - she was one of the most dependable people I knew and so excited to help- but months before the wedding , when we were starting to get things together and making concrete plans to get certain things done- she would disappear and not answer her phone or show up for anything. When I'd finally talk to her , her reasoning wasn't due to an emergency but rather because she went out drinking or went to the beach last minute. I didn't feel supported and she didn't seem into being in the role anymore, so I had to move another bridesmaid into that spot. So now , the former maid of honor - now bridesmaid and best man have broken up- RSVP's are sent back and we are finalizing the guest count with the venue - we have a month until the wedding and are anticipating less people attend than were invited, so we can stay within our budget. Now the best man and bridesmaid have both either assumed or asked if they get a plus one , although they were initially invited together. I know they might feel awkward - and I don't plan to seat them together or anything - but I also think if they bring dates, it is going to stir up some kind of drama ... not to mention I did not account for two additional people last minute! The best man has voiced his assumption of a plus one to a mutual friend, so my fiancée is handling that - and I told my bridesmaid that due to our guest count not changing due to them breaking up, since they're both still attending , and our need to stay within our budget - I unfortunstely cannot add a plus one... It being so last minute and the fact that not every guest is invited with a plus one - I feel like I can make this call without seeming like a jerk ... And I know etiquette says the wedding party should all have plus ones - but we already have so much finalized and I don't think this is the kind of thing we should have to accommodate. Has anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it ? Thanks !

    You were wrong to replace her. All she has to do is show up on time, sober, and in the correct clothes on the wedding day. That's all ANY of your wedding party has to do. You owe an apology for that. Are you giving other single guests dates? If so, they should get dates as well. You're fine not to allow them dates if no singles are getting plus ones, but I always feel that your wedding party should be allowed dates even if nobody else is. That's not an etiquette rule, just my personal philosophy. You can't squeeze just 2 more into the budget?
    QFT, you shouldn't have replaced her, nor asked her to step down as MOH.  Your BP are your guests of honor, not props or free labor.

    Since OP has clearly left and doesn't care to receive advice, I've bolded the statement above for lurkers.  This is a TERRIBLE way to plan.  You determine your budget first.  Then  you make the guest list.  You plan for 100% attendance in order to stay w/in your budget.  Hoping less people come than are invited so you stay w/in your budget is a really bad idea and can easily come back to bite you.  Don't do that.  
    CMGragainadk19madamerwin
  • Ohh OP, you could've saved yourself a lot of embarrassment here by not delving into the way you mistreated your ~former~ MOH.

    You question boils down to: Do I need to allow +1s for guests whose relationship status changed after RSVPs came back? (Did you think "she likes going to the beach more than running errands with me!" would impact our answers?)

    The answer is: No. You don't need to give +1s to anyone, and you don't need to add on more people than you did when the invites went out. But since these are some of your best friends, and especially since you have fewer guests than anticipated, you definitely SHOULD give them +1s.

    First of all it's weird that your RSVPs were due over a month before your wedding, and your vendors should not be requiring hard numbers yet. Secondly the way you worded it makes it seem like now that you've gotten some declines you can stay within your budget. Did you invite more people than you could afford to host? Don't punish your friends for your poor planning.

    Thirdly, don't worry about grown adults stirring up drama. If a fight breaks out, have venue staff/security escort them out. If they cast some evil-eyes across the dance floor you will live.

    SP29TheDeathLlama
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    No you don't have to give anyone plus ones. But, it's probably the least you could do considering how you treated your former MOH. 

    Your wedding will never be as important to someone else as it is to you. Your MOH had no obligation to do anything but show up the day of the wedding. It was incredibly rude to demote her. 

    Thanks to addie for quoting.
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    AddieCakeadk19aurianna
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Came for the DD. Nice quoting, Addie.

    With friends like you OP, who needs enemies. I would have beegraciously bowed out of your wedding if I was the demoted MOH.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    adk19SP29
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited August 2015
    If your venue and budget are so tight that you cannot fit two more people, then you did some bad planning.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    mollybarker11
  • HeffalumpHeffalump
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited August 2015
    AddieCake said:
    Ndeplasco said:
    but months before the wedding , when we were starting to get things together and making concrete plans to get certain things done- she would disappear and not answer her phone or show up for anything. When I'd finally talk to her , her reasoning wasn't due to an emergency but rather because she went out drinking or went to the beach last minute. I didn't feel supported and she didn't seem into being in the role anymore, so I had to move another bridesmaid into that spot.

    I think you should make a note of it in her next performance review and put her on a performance improvement plan.

    Oh, wait?  This is a friend of yours, not an employee hired off the street?  In that case, it's not her job to skip going out or to the beach in order to "get things done" for you.  That's your (and your FI's) job. 

    To your question, OP, give her a +1.
    ShesSoColdadk19[Deleted User]
  • Came for the bat signal!

    However, some very good advice offered and various examples for other posters and lurkers on what NOT to do.
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