Snarky Brides

Venting about bridesmaid

I know these BM vents go over super poorly, but there is an extremely good chance I need to get put in my place. Figured this is the board for that. I might be overly sensitive since my venue is stressing me out (see my other post Neighborhood Trying to Shut Down Venue). It's been a great 4 days...

So I got engaged in August 2014, quickly found my venue and picked my date all by mid-September 2014. February 21 I get a text from one of the girls who is a BM (cleared date with all of them as soon as we picked it, been friends with all BMs since 2007 so I figured they wouldn't change over 1 year). She texted me telling me another one of her friends picked the exact same date as me and she wants to be a BM in both. I am like mid-long run THANK GOD because endorphins kept me from having an overreaction. She made sure to let me know that "this was going to get so crazy for her" and I'm like sorry not sorry? I've had this date for 6 months. I even said "I know it's hard to balance 2 wedding parties on the same day" and then gave her an opportunity to back out. She said no she committed to me first and would definitely be there. 

I've been super accommodating of her schedule since she's going to be gone the whole day before. I'm paying for their hair and makeup as nice gesture and asked if she can make it. She can. I let her know she will be the first one so she can make it to the other wedding in time. Let her know what time we are doing pictures before so she can be there for that. Every time I plan around her other wedding I am slightly miffed, but try to not let it show because hey - I am getting married, not her. This is my dream, not hers. I just need to be thankful she will be there at all. And I know the other bride probably feels the same way. 

Fast forward to this weekend. I see her this weekend and we talk about my RD. I let her know it will start between 4:30 and 5:30. The venue coordinator can't meet me after 5, but said I am free to use the ceremony space which is outdoors any time. I told her last Friday it will be finished by 6:30 at the very latest as our dinner starts at 7 at our house 30 min away. I'm fairly sure I even told her if she can't make it it's going to be fine. She seems ok with the info and told me she was planning on going to my rehearsal and other bride's dinner. Yesterday I get a text saying "Hey you need to plan this because other bride is planning hers and I can't guarantee I'm going to be there." I'm like ok first of all, if you can't make it that's fine. One of the GM can't make it because he has an LSAT the next morning. NBD, shit happens. Second of all, are you seriously pressuring me like 2 days after I just told you the time window?! I texted her back letting her know I have a meeting with the venue this week and will let her know afterwards. She responds other bride will pick hers and she will just do the best she can to come to my rehearsal. 

I know I am probably being a bit BSC, but it's only 1:16PM where I am and wine is not socially acceptable during the workday :( There is also of course a long backstory involving a major issue with the BM dresses (picked them out with 3 girls and she said she thought they would be able to pick out their own, not have matching and I'm like girl that ship has sailed) and planning a huge trip the weekend before my bach and then being like "are you sure you can't go??" Girl. I am spending thousands of dollars 3 weeks later. No I cannot go because I am saving my money for meals for the OOT bach party my sister is planning. I told you that when you picked the trip dates at the beginning.

Anyone else seen a BM in 2 weddings same day handle is well, outside of 27 dresses? Because I could use a pep talk/reassurance this will work out/come to Jesus talk about me being a bridezilla. I don't want to bitch to my FI because he doesn't like her and said just kick her out back in February (etiquette be damned) or the rest of my bridal party. 

Re: Venting about bridesmaid

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    This was kind of hard to follow but what I got out of it is that your one BM is going to try and be in two weddings in one day and in doing so is causing you to plan things around that.

    Well, I would stop trying to plan things around a decision she made.  Plan things and if she can make it, great.  If not, oh well.

    I would, however, be kind of pissed if I paid for her hair and makeup and then she was unable to get to my wedding in time for the ceremony.

    I am not really sure her plans for making it to both weddings, but I would come to terms with the fact that she may not be at your wedding at all.  So keep planning things in accordance to what works best for you, your FI and all the majority of others involved and be okay if she misses out.

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    I've been in weddings and am currently planning my own. I don't know how anyone would be able to juggle being in two weddings in one day. Kudos to your BM if she can pull that off, but it sounds like an organizational nightmare. Have you given her a wedding day timeline, and does she have one for the other wedding? I think you need to sit down with her and ask her if being in two weddings in one day is realistic because at first she might have thought it was no problem, but it sounds like as it's getting closer, she's starting to realize maybe it won't work. If she is expected to be at the ceremony, in pictures before or after, and make appearances at the reception, I don't think there would be enough hours in the day to do it twice. I don't have any advice because this is a tricky situation, but definitely keep communicating with her and keep planning your day the day you and your FI envisioned. Good luck!
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    I don't think you need to be taken down a notch at all. It sounds like this girl is pulling herself way too thin and stressing you out as a result. It would be one thing if she took you at your word (ie, skipping the RD because she really can't make two) and you were annoyed about it, but that's not it. Instead, it sounds from this like you're trying to make things easy on her, she's making them hard on herself (ie, trying to make both RDs) and then asking you to plan around it.

    It also sounds like her heart's in the right place and she's just really anxious about disappointing one or both of you. Annoying as it may be, try to remember that when you need patience.

    You actually sound like you're dealing with all your stress really well (from this thread and your venue one) and you're not turning into a Bridezilla at all. You're reacting to it like a normal, healthy human being who realizes the world isn't all about her, but who is also trying to make one day special for you (without putting any undue expectations on anyone else). 

    Good luck!
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    I really don't think you sound like a bridezilla, if anything you sound like you're trying really hard to be accommodating to this friend and plan around her other wedding even if it is a pain for you. Honestly I have no idea how someone would realistically pull off being in 2 weddings in one day. 

    In my opinion I wouldn't worry so much about working around her for the rehearsal dinner, she made the choice to go to both so let her figure out how. It's really not hard to walk down an aisle so I'm sure she doesn't actually need to rehearse it.

    As for the wedding I'd ask her for a schedule of the other wedding and give her the schedule for your wedding. She obviously needs to be at your ceremony and would preferably be there for pictures but everything else that she can attend I'd look at as a bonus. Once she sees the two timelines she may realize it's not possible so be prepared for that as well. 

    If it were me I'd try to be nice about it but ultimately I would not be letting her other wedding change my schedule so if she comes back and says well this ceremony is at 11 and yours is 11:30 i can't make it... that's kind of her choice. I wouldn't be moving anything big. But if she says she's going to be 30 minutes late to dinner I'd see if the caterer can save her a plate. 
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    I think you are being overly nice. It is ridiculous to try to be in two weddings one day, even given the time difference you just described. She had already made a commitment to you and should not have accepted the new gig. The other friend would understand.
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    Wow. I agree with the PP's that you are being super accommodating to her, and in no way are you acting like a bridezilla.

    Just plan your schedule the way that works best for you, and if she can make it great!

    Even letting her get her hair done first is very nice of you. I wouldn't go out of your way to accommodate her decision of being in two weddings on the same day. You need to do what works best for you, your FI, and the other BMs.

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    I don't think you're being a bridezilla.  You gave her a chance to back out of your wedding, and you've been extra accommodating of the other bride's schedule.  I think it's reasonable of you to tell your friend, "Going forward, FI and I need to plan our wedding around what works for me and FI and the other attendants.  I told you the date of my wedding 6 months before, I've accommodated your other wedding thus far the best I can, and will continue to do so, and I accept that you might not be willing to make it to various aspects of the plans.  That said, I didn't appreciate your telling me I have to plan something you already promised to plan for me because of the other bride's schedule.  That doesn't work for me.  I'd like to remind you that you committed to me first and told me you wanted to stay in my wedding even after I gave you a chance to back out of mine and fully commit to hers instead.  If you commit to being in my wedding, then texts and messages like that are not acceptable."
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    I agree with the PP's that you are being very accommodating.  It's impressive how calm you are about not knowing when she will and won't be able to be there.  You're not being a bridezilla, you're being awesome.  

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    edited September 2015
    If I were you, I can guarantee I would not be acting this calm, cool and collected. The idea of trying to be in 2 weddings on the same day is slightly crazy to me. 1 wedding per day is quite enough. I understand that she is probably trying to keep from hurting anyone's feelings, but in turn she is making things very complicated and stressful for you and probably the other bride as well.

    I think we all would feel differently if you had come on here being like "my BM is in another wedding and as a result isn't doing her (nonexistent) duties! Wah wah waaahhhhh". But that is not the case at all! This is a legitimately frustrating situation, and it seems like you have been trying to handle it in a very mature, adult-like manner.

    Kudos to you for being such a good, patient friend!

    ETF grammar

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    I'm sorry, but I think it was a shitty move on her part to say yes to the 2nd wedding. I know it sucks having to disappoint a friend who asks you to be a bridesmaid, but it is better than stressing out another friend after you've made a commitment.
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    All I can think about is 27 Dresses and Katherine Heigl having a bindi on her forehead in the wrong wedding haha. 

    I'm sorry, OP. I'm also sorry for the other bride, whose BM will be dashing out of the reception ASAP instead of enjoying her thank-you party!
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    You definitely don't sound out of line at all.

    Like others have said, i think her heart is in the right place.  I think it sounds like she "bit off more than she can chew" and you are being VERY kind in trying to make it as easy on her as possible.

    I think it's best to just plan your events with what works best for YOU, if she can come then great, if she can't, then that's her decision to make.

    The only thing i would be adamant about is you informing her what time your ceremony starts and what time she should be there (and you've already done that so you're in the clear lol)

    I personally wouldn't want to be in two weddings on the same day.  i'm pretty sure i'd go crazy lol
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    I agree with PP's, it's crazy that she's trying to be in two weddings in one day. I might understand trying to attend one wedding and be a BM in the other, but not trying to be a real BM for both. It sounds like her other friend is going to have half a friend because she's going to be needing to show up late and leave early.
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