Elopement or Wedding?

Knottie77960286

I have always dreamed of having the perfect wedding. Now that I am engaged, I find myself really debating if a wedding is really the right thing to do. I really want to get married in Charleston and if we do have a wedding I would want a Sunday brunch just because I love the idea of that and also to save a big chunk of money that is associated with weekend evening affairs. I have also been really thinking about having a planned elopement in Charleston where it is just the two of us and we can put the money we would spend on a wedding toward a really awesome honeymoon and also toward other bills we will have. We also have tons of family drama where no one gets along and I really do not think our wedding could be peaceful. And since weddings can be so expensive I find it almost sickening to spend hundreds of dollars on people who will not appreciate it and who really do not even speak to us. But at the same time there are certain people I really want to be there when we get married and I find it hard to only invite some family members and leave others out. I think eloping would be great as we can focus more on us, but at the same time I think I'll regret not having all of the wedding experiences and sharing it with certain family members we love dearly. Does anyone have any advice on what would be best?

climbingsingle

Well, this is really something you've got to decide for yourself. Based on what you've said, I think you should elope. But none of us can answer for you if you'll regret it. 

Maggie0829

Like climbing said, only you and your FI can answer this.

But remember, when you get married that is your wedding.  So even if you elope you can still have all the trappings of a "traditional" wedding.  You can still wear a gorgeous dress, have a fabulous bouquet, hire a photographer, have decor, a tasty meal, a yummy dessert, a first dance, etc.

Jells2dot0

We eloped and we had an amazing, private, personal wedding! We ended up getting married on a beach in Australia and honeymooned within Australia as well.

 

As PPs said it's a very personal decision. For us, it was a no-brainer. We had both been married previously, both have family issues, and both hated the idea of being thrust into the attention that we'd hated the first time around and most of it would be full of drama. We had a civil ceremony, I wore a wedding gown, carried a bouquet, had a photographer on hand to capture it all, and we enjoyed a private dinner with cupcakes and champagne. When we got home, we told everyone. Not many people suspected as we travel internationally several times a year.

 

ETA- I do get a little frustrated when people say that eloping is not a wedding. It IS!!!! I got married on that trip, so it was my wedding. It just wasn't a big, traditional wedding.

 

Jen4948

Knottie77960286 said:

I have always dreamed of having the perfect wedding. Now that I am engaged, I find myself really debating if a wedding is really the right thing to do. I really want to get married in Charleston and if we do have a wedding I would want a Sunday brunch just because I love the idea of that and also to save a big chunk of money that is associated with weekend evening affairs. I have also been really thinking about having a planned elopement in Charleston where it is just the two of us and we can put the money we would spend on a wedding toward a really awesome honeymoon and also toward other bills we will have. We also have tons of family drama where no one gets along and I really do not think our wedding could be peaceful. And since weddings can be so expensive I find it almost sickening to spend hundreds of dollars on people who will not appreciate it and who really do not even speak to us. But at the same time there are certain people I really want to be there when we get married and I find it hard to only invite some family members and leave others out. I think eloping would be great as we can focus more on us, but at the same time I think I'll regret not having all of the wedding experiences and sharing it with certain family members we love dearly. Does anyone have any advice on what would be best?

You'll have to decide whether or not having your loved ones with you and being able to have certain wedding experiences outweighs the drama that you believe will accompany doing that.  If you'll regret not having all your loved ones around you and forgoing the wedding experiences that an elopement would rule out, then it would make sense to have a regular wedding, but if avoiding the drama is more important, then I'd elope.  But only you and your FI can decide that.

CMGragain

Elopements are never announced in advance.  If you are going to elope, do not tell anyone in advance.  After the wedding,(Yes, it is a wedding!) you telephone close family to let them know, and send formal marriage announcements out to all your friends and relatives to let them hear the news from you.  Elopements do not have receptions, since there are NO guests.

You could also have a private ceremony, with immediate family only.  This is not an elopement.  Afterwards you take the family to a nice restaurant for your reception.  You pay.

You could have a destination wedding. This is the same as any wedding except that it is not held in the town where you are living.  This is inconvenient for your guests, so you should go all out for this.  No simple cake and punch reception.

What you should never, ever do is have a re-do ceremony later because you regretted your choice!  You only get one wedding day.  Make it the one that YOU and your FI want.

Liatris2010

Put together a guest list and price out the brunch reception in Charleston. Then decide if you want that, or to elope. Seeing the cost of the reception you want will help you decide.

OliveOilsMom

Discuss what your FI wants for the wedding too.  You shared your ideas for a wedding including some pros and cons in your OP, but didn't express what your FI wants in a wedding.  That is the first thing to do. 

Once you have come to a compromise about your wedding including budget, guest list, etc.  Then begin the plan that you both want.   

princessleia22

Like others said, you need to talk to your FI and determine what is most important to both of you.  I never really wanted a big wedding. We considered eloping, but knew we wanted our closest family there. We ended up doing a small ceremony with just immediate family and closest friends there... a total of 25 guests... and it was awesome.  We did a destination wedding in New Orleans because our family is spread all over the country so 90% of our guests would have to travel anywhere we had it. But, we did a full wedding & reception, just on a smaller scale.  It was intimate and fun and easy to plan. So, you just need to decide if you can live with not having family there. Or what your priorities are.

mollybarker11

Knottie77960286 said:

We also have tons of family drama where no one gets along and I really do not think our wedding could be peaceful. And since weddings can be so expensive I find it almost sickening to spend hundreds of dollars on people who will not appreciate it and who really do not even speak to us. But at the same time there are certain people I really want to be there when we get married and I find it hard to only invite some family members and leave others out. [...] I think I'll regret not having all of the wedding experiences and sharing it with certain family members we love dearly. Does anyone have any advice on what would be best?

Invite the people you really want to be there & love dearly and do not invite the people who wouldn't appreciate it & don't even speak to you. Just because you are related doesn't mean you have a relationship. My uncle recently got married and did not invite me to his wedding. This did not cause any drama because we are not close and I would have had no interest in attending. It was not a big deal at all.

Of course every family's dynamics are different so you & your FI need to weigh it out yourselves. If you'd find it hard to leave certain family members out because it would hurt them, I think an elopement is a better option than a big wedding full of disharmony. But if you'd find it hard to leave them out just because you think you're "supposed" to invite them, throw that idea out the window and have a lovely time at brunch.

adwks

CMGragain said:

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You could also have a private ceremony, with immediate family only.  This is not an elopement.  Afterwards you take the family to a nice restaurant for your reception.  You pay.

 

Thank you for giving me a name for the type of wedding I'm having! I always find myself giving a long description, saying that it's a private ceremony is so much easier. 

Jells2dot0

adwks said:

CMGragain said:

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You could also have a private ceremony, with immediate family only.  This is not an elopement.  Afterwards you take the family to a nice restaurant for your reception.  You pay.

 

Thank you for giving me a name for the type of wedding I'm having! I always find myself giving a long description, saying that it's a private ceremony is so much easier. 

I actually see it slightly differently:

- elopement: couple gets married without the knowledge of others. So, no guests.

- private wedding: couple gets married with no guests but people know they are getting married

- intimate wedding: couple gets married with very few in attendance. It may be immediate family only or just a few very close friends.

- destination wedding: a wedding that is held at a location where neither the couple nor the couples' families live. 

It's just my personal view on things and my opinion!