Length of time apart - asking a friend to be in a wedding party

Knottie1431972640

I am trying to figure this out, if it's odd or normal. For my groomsmen, I want people who represent different stages of my adult life, and pick the people who were important during that stage, not necessarily people that I hang out with a lot now. I moved from West to East Coast 5 years ago. A good friend/old roommate of mine is still out there, and we don't really talk very much anymore, just because of work and timing and distance and all that.

Would it be weird if I asked him to be in the party? We text back and forth at this point and the few times we have seen each other it's been great, but mostly we're not big phone talkers so we almost never catch up on a normal basis.

Maggie0829

Knottie1431972640 said:

I am trying to figure this out, if it's odd or normal. For my groomsmen, I want people who represent different stages of my adult life, and pick the people who were important during that stage, not necessarily people that I hang out with a lot now. I moved from West to East Coast 5 years ago. A good friend/old roommate of mine is still out there, and we don't really talk very much anymore, just because of work and timing and distance and all that.

Would it be weird if I asked him to be in the party? We text back and forth at this point and the few times we have seen each other it's been great, but mostly we're not big phone talkers so we almost never catch up on a normal basis.

I'm sorry but I think that is an odd way to pick a wedding party.  You should pick people who you consider your nearest and dearest.

If I were this person who only some what talk to you on a random basis, I would find it odd that you were asking me to be a GM in your wedding.

Knottie1431972640

He's not a random guy. We were roommates for 8 years and we just keep in touch more sporadically now.

climbingsingle

I also think it's a very strange way to go about picking out your wedding party. I mean, ultimately it's your choice. But typically your wedding party is made up of the people you are closest to now. 

Maggie0829

Knottie1431972640 said:

He's not a random guy. We were roommates for 8 years and we just keep in touch more sporadically now.

I never said he was a random guy.  I said he was someone that you randomly keep in touch with (meaning not on a regular basis).

Jen4948

Knottie1431972640 said:

I am trying to figure this out, if it's odd or normal. For my groomsmen, I want people who represent different stages of my adult life, and pick the people who were important during that stage, not necessarily people that I hang out with a lot now. I moved from West to East Coast 5 years ago. A good friend/old roommate of mine is still out there, and we don't really talk very much anymore, just because of work and timing and distance and all that.

Would it be weird if I asked him to be in the party? We text back and forth at this point and the few times we have seen each other it's been great, but mostly we're not big phone talkers so we almost never catch up on a normal basis.

Honestly, yes.  The bolded doesn't strike me as a realistic way to choose groomsmen.  What if the people from long past stages of your life don't think of you as someone they're close enough to now to want to spend time and money being your groomsmen, whereas someone you're close to now is left out and feels hurt over it?

When I was a kid my then best friend and I planned to be in each other's weddings, but I haven't seen her in decades and I think she'd think it would be weird of me to ask her instead of someone I'm close to now.  And there are people I'm close to now who would probably have hurt feelings if I didn't ask them.

It's up to you who your groomsmen are, but I advise against the bolded.

JediElizabeth

Knottie1431972640 said:

I am trying to figure this out, if it's odd or normal. For my groomsmen, I want people who represent different stages of my adult life, and pick the people who were important during that stage, not necessarily people that I hang out with a lot now. I moved from West to East Coast 5 years ago. A good friend/old roommate of mine is still out there, and we don't really talk very much anymore, just because of work and timing and distance and all that.

Would it be weird if I asked him to be in the party? We text back and forth at this point and the few times we have seen each other it's been great, but mostly we're not big phone talkers so we almost never catch up on a normal basis.

I did a similar thing: I have one BM who I grew up with but only see a couple of times per year now. I've known her since we were 5 and she'll always be like a sister to me, so she belongs there. Other BMs include my actual sister, friends I see all the time, and friends who have moved overseas who I see infrequently.

FI was a best man for a friend who moved to the west coast (we're on the eastern seaboard) a few years back. They rarely talked and hadn't seen each other in years, but they've been friends since middle school, and he was honored by being asked. That same person's going to be in our wedding, too.

I think as long as you're still in contact and he's still someone you want up there with you, it's ok to ask.

lembaslover

I don't think I would necessarily go about it the same way you are picking different life stages but clearly this one person in particular is important to you so I would ask him and I don't think it's weird. My MOH and I don't talk all that much but she was super important to me from middle school through college and when we see each other it 1-2 a year it feels like nothing has really changed. Pick the people who are closest to you and who you couldn't imagine not being next to you. 

I disagree with PP reasoning of picking just people you hang out with currently because of hurt feelings. No one should be hurt if they aren't picked to be a bridesmaid or groomsmen. Everyone has a different way of selecting people so if anyone is hurt they aren't picked they need to drink a glass of wine be disappointed for a night then get over themselves and just go as a guest and enjoy the wedding.

Jen4948

engagedhamstermom said:

I don't think I would necessarily go about it the same way you are picking different life stages but clearly this one person in particular is important to you so I would ask him and I don't think it's weird. My MOH and I don't talk all that much but she was super important to me from middle school through college and when we see each other it 1-2 a year it feels like nothing has really changed. Pick the people who are closest to you and who you couldn't imagine not being next to you. 

I disagree with PP reasoning of picking just people you hang out with currently because of hurt feelings. No one should be hurt if they aren't picked to be a bridesmaid or groomsmen. Everyone has a different way of selecting people so if anyone is hurt they aren't picked they need to drink a glass of wine be disappointed for a night then get over themselves and just go as a guest and enjoy the wedding.

They aren't entitled to act on hurt feelings, but they are definitely allowed to have them. Who are you to tell people how they should feel?

And yeah, it would be weird to choose your best friend from elementary school whom you haven't seen since then, but not someone you are currently very close to just because you want to follow a "choosing scheme."

MyNameIsNot

Your WP should be your closest friends and family. Not representatives from some life stage.

Being close doesn't have to mean seeing each other or talking frequently; it has to do with how you feel about this person. If you still consider him one of your best friends, go ahead and ask. If the distance means you've drifted into less close friend status, it's probably best not to ask. 

I always think that the best choice for WP are the people you would call at 3 am to help you hide a body. If you'd trust this person to hide a body, ask him. 

jacques27

I wouldn't necessarily go by "representing stages".  But if you feel close to them now (and that doesn't mean you talk every day), then go for it.  Sometimes there are just friendships that stay true forever, even if communication wanes.  I think that is especially true as you get older.  My grandmother had many decades-long friendships that as the years passed on their contact became less and less frequent, but when those phone calls came every 4-6 months or those visits occurred once a year, maybe twice if they were lucky, it was like time never passed by.  I have friends like that now - an old college roommate that even though we're only 25 miles from each other only have dinner about twice a year and we sporadically text, but we just pick up where we left off and if shit ever hit the fan and one of us ever truly needed the other we know we'd come running.  I have current friends right now that I communicate with frequently and socialize with and don't think the bond is as deep as what I have with old roommate, for whatever reason.

But again, base it on the strength of your friendship now, not what used to be.  Don't use them as a token to represent the stages of you, honor them for what they mean to you today.