Wedding Woes

FMIL Question

I honestly never thought that my FMIL would be a source of stress during the wedding planing process, I think that is what upsets me so much.  I knew that there would be some rough moments for my FMIL because I am marrying an only child. My FIL's live in another state so beside the few visits to my fiancés hometown and my FIL's few visits to the town we live in, we haven't been able to bond as well as some FDIL and FMIL.  With that being said, she has told me and my fiancé she loves me very much and that I am a great fit for her son, mainly because she says she see's a lot of herself in me. Once my fiancé I became engaged, my FMIL seemed so happy for us and honestly when she is around me in person (the two times I have seen her since becoming engaged) she seems so happy and wants to know everything that I am planning and how the process is going. Since my fiancé is an only child and because my mom felt very left out during the planning of my brothers wedding, my mom and I have tried to include my FMIL in every step, sending her emails keeping her up to date about the planning on our end, since we know she can't physically be here for most of the planning appointments. This approach has apparently has either backfired or my FMIL is just really not wanting to let her son go.  I recently found out that the reason that she hasn't responded to any of our planning emails (unless if she is asked if she received the email and even then the response is literally a sentence) is because she finds the tone of the emails rude.  However, I am confused because this is the first I am hearing of this, also when my mother and I saw her in person a few weeks ago she acted just fine and excited about the wedding.  When we saw her in person, I told her that I would love to have her come help my mom put me in my wedding dress (if she wanted to) the day of wedding and that I wanted her to feel that she could visit the bridal suite at anytime. She was very nice and said she would love too, she seemed really excited that I asked her to be involved. Well, my mom sent her an email a few days later touching base with her asking how many rooms they decided that their family would need so we could book a block the rooms, this is something all three of us had discussed in person a few days prior.  Again, she wouldn't respond to the email.  I asked my fiancé to find out how many rooms they wanted us to block and thats when it all hit the fan.  I then learned that she thought all my mom's emails were extremely rude, that she did not want to stay at the same hotel as me because she wanted her son to also feel special, and that she had been planning things like transportation for some of her guests. I was shocked but more so, my feelings were really hurt.  If she thought the emails for the past two months were rude, why am I just now finding this out? I mainly feel bad for my mom because my sent the emails in an effort to make sure that my FMIL felt involved, since my mom had a bad experience when my brother got married.  As nicely as my fiancé could have, he relayed the message from his mom that has left me upset and honestly now it's turning into anger.  I was told that my parents needed to stop doing things like picking up the bill at a restaurant when my FIL comes into town and that my parents didn't need to worry about my FIL ability to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  This came to a shock to me because my parents have never said to them or to me that were concerned about the rehearsal dinner.  All my mom did was ask if my FMIL would be inviting extended family to the rehearsal dinner so she would know if it was proper for our family to do the same.  Apparently this was taken as my family didn't think they could afford a large rehearsal dinner?  Yes, I am fortunate in that my parents can pay for a very nice wedding but my parents have never once spoken to me about any reservation about my FIL financial ability to pay for the rehearsal dinner/honeymoon.  I also found that my FMIL had been doing "a lot" of planning but she has never sent an email or even mentioned anything when I have seen her in person about any planning.  I have a great wedding planner and my FMIL knows this, but apparently has taken things in her own hands to book transportation for "her family".  I am hurt because just a few weeks ago, I was so excited about our two families becoming one, and now its like it's just two families that are having a combined event.  My mom told me that we just need to give her some space but honestly I am starting to get really angry.  I wasn't aware that she had been avoiding my moms emails and I really just think its very rude how she is acting.  From my perspective, it seems like she is treating this wedding as 1) a competition and 2) the day she is losing her son.  The lack of communication with her is starting to impact mine and my fiancés relationship because he can't understand why I am upset. The messages that have been relayed from my FMIL via my fiancé (a problem in and of itself in my opinion) this past week has been very difficult on me because I feel like our efforts to go out our way to include her have been taken the wrong way (or she just wants nothing to do with my end of the wedding).  I am sorry for the long post but if anyone has any suggestions on how I should handle the situation, it would be greatly appreciated!

Re: FMIL Question

  • I honestly never thought that my FMIL would be a source of stress during the wedding planing process, I think that is what upsets me so much.  I knew that there would be some rough moments for my FMIL because I am marrying an only child. My FIL's live in another state so beside the few visits to my fiancés hometown and my FIL's few visits to the town we live in, we haven't been able to bond as well as some FDIL and FMIL.  With that being said, she has told me and my fiancé she loves me very much and that I am a great fit for her son, mainly because she says she see's a lot of herself in me. 

    Once my fiancé I became engaged, my FMIL seemed so happy for us and honestly when she is around me in person (the two times I have seen her since becoming engaged) she seems so happy and wants to know everything that I am planning and how the process is going. Since my fiancé is an only child and because my mom felt very left out during the planning of my brothers wedding, my mom and I have tried to include my FMIL in every step, sending her emails keeping her up to date about the planning on our end, since we know she can't physically be here for most of the planning appointments. 

    This approach has apparently has either backfired or my FMIL is just really not wanting to let her son go.  I recently found out that the reason that she hasn't responded to any of our planning emails (unless if she is asked if she received the email and even then the response is literally a sentence) is because she finds the tone of the emails rude.  However, I am confused because this is the first I am hearing of this, also when my mother and I saw her in person a few weeks ago she acted just fine and excited about the wedding.  When we saw her in person, I told her that I would love to have her come help my mom put me in my wedding dress (if she wanted to) the day of wedding and that I wanted her to feel that she could visit the bridal suite at anytime. She was very nice and said she would love too, she seemed really excited that I asked her to be involved. 

    Well, my mom sent her an email a few days later touching base with her asking how many rooms they decided that their family would need so we could book a block the rooms, this is something all three of us had discussed in person a few days prior.  Again, she wouldn't respond to the email.  

    I asked my fiancé to find out how many rooms they wanted us to block and thats when it all hit the fan.  I then learned that she thought all my mom's emails were extremely rude, that she did not want to stay at the same hotel as me because she wanted her son to also feel special, and that she had been planning things like transportation for some of her guests. I was shocked but more so, my feelings were really hurt.  If she thought the emails for the past two months were rude, why am I just now finding this out? 

    I mainly feel bad for my mom because my sent the emails in an effort to make sure that my FMIL felt involved, since my mom had a bad experience when my brother got married.  As nicely as my fiancé could have, he relayed the message from his mom that has left me upset and honestly now it's turning into anger.  I was told that my parents needed to stop doing things like picking up the bill at a restaurant when my FIL comes into town and that my parents didn't need to worry about my FIL ability to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  This came to a shock to me because my parents have never said to them or to me that were concerned about the rehearsal dinner.  All my mom did was ask if my FMIL would be inviting extended family to the rehearsal dinner so she would know if it was proper for our family to do the same.  Apparently this was taken as my family didn't think they could afford a large rehearsal dinner?  Yes, I am fortunate in that my parents can pay for a very nice wedding but my parents have never once spoken to me about any reservation about my FIL financial ability to pay for the rehearsal dinner/honeymoon.  

    I also found that my FMIL had been doing "a lot" of planning but she has never sent an email or even mentioned anything when I have seen her in person about any planning.  I have a great wedding planner and my FMIL knows this, but apparently has taken things in her own hands to book transportation for "her family".  I am hurt because just a few weeks ago, I was so excited about our two families becoming one, and now its like it's just two families that are having a combined event.  My mom told me that we just need to give her some space but honestly I am starting to get really angry.  I wasn't aware that she had been avoiding my moms emails and I really just think its very rude how she is acting.  


    From my perspective, it seems like she is treating this wedding as 1) a competition and 2) the day she is losing her son.  The lack of communication with her is starting to impact mine and my fiancés relationship because he can't understand why I am upset. The messages that have been relayed from my FMIL via my fiancé (a problem in and of itself in my opinion) this past week has been very difficult on me because I feel like our efforts to go out our way to include her have been taken the wrong way (or she just wants nothing to do with my end of the wedding).  

    I am sorry for the long post but if anyone has any suggestions on how I should handle the situation, it would be greatly appreciated!
     Fixed. 
  • Suggestion:  take your mom's advice.  Let FI deal with his mom.
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2015
    I feel like there's something more going on here.  First and foremost, you and your FI need to get on the same page.  You need to present a united front to both mothers.  

    This is a bit of a game of telephone and a game of possible misinterpretation because tone does not come across on e-mail.  

    I really think you need to go to the source in person, FMIL, and try to hash this out...with your FI, of course.  If she doesn't want to receive e-mails, be involved, and doesn't want you to worry about 'her' people, then don't  You DO need to get on the same page about the rehearsal dinner.  

    Try to set aside the hurt feelings until after you talk to her.  It could all be a huge misunderstanding and you can get back on track.  If it doesn't go well, you and your FI need to decide on a game plan and stick to it. 
  • Being a MOG,  I do have one thought...............   Has all of your talk about the wedding been centered around "bride" activities?  I'm guessing that she feels like you are not taking your FH into account enough DANG!  I CANT GET THE BOLD TO UNBOLD>>>I  am not suggesting that is the case at all.  I have been through one son's wedding and learned how uninvolved the silly boys can be.  But I would suggest that your fi take over wedding planning with his mom. It's really really sweet that you have tried to include her but if it's not working, it's time to change it up.  It's also possible that she is feeling inferior to your parents for some reason. I have also dealt with that.  We are considerably better off financially and our lifestyle is generally easier than my grandchildren's other grandparents.  It took time for the other grandparents to realize we are not the snobby judgy type they expected.  That has led to a comfortable and enjoyable relationship with them now.  DO NOT EXPECT your fmil to discuss her feelings with you.  You are still fairly new acquaintances.  I'm not saying that anything she has said or her excitement is not real but I admit I said the same things and acted the same way but see-sawed in how deep those feelings were until I really got to know my girls.  That's tough to do when you guys see each other so infrequently. Anyway, my point is I would almost bet money that she is feeling like this is "your" wedding and not her sons.  That is not your fault!  
  • PS.....the whole "losing our sons" is a real crock............. We lose our sons at puberty.  From that point on it's all about their friends and mom is only needed on the rocky days..........  we are more than used to it and usually well over it by the time they move out of the house. 
  • it sounds like your MIL is being a little petty and you're overreacting. 

    what it comes down to is this is a one day party - why do you care if your MIL helps her family members arrange their hotel/travel? 

    also re: rehersal dinner - if your ILs are hosting, they should be the ones initiating the conversation about who they will be inviting. It does strike me as a little rude that your mom asked your ILs about who they were inviting so she would know who to invite. ultimately it's your ILs' choice who to invite. 
  • wackall said:
    PS.....the whole "losing our sons" is a real crock............. We lose our sons at puberty.  From that point on it's all about their friends and mom is only needed on the rocky days..........  we are more than used to it and usually well over it by the time they move out of the house. 

    Usually this is correct. But not all the time. My ex's mom was very .....lets say involved. Sweet lady but could not let go of her baby...that baby was over 25.
  • First, your FI talks to his mom and you talk to your mom.  I think your mom is right in giving FMIL some space.  You need to let this anger go, so that it doesn't effect your long term relationship with FMIL.  She will be around for a long time, so don't hold a grudge against her.

    I think your FI should call his mom and apologize for any misunderstanding the emails may have caused with FMIL.  It was never intended for the emails to seem rude (although like PP said, your mom asking about OOT guests at the RD was rude).  Then your FI needs to tell his mom that he would like to know what wedding plans she has made so that the whole wedding can be coordinated together.  A future source of tension with FMIL may be which hotel B&G will stay in the night of the wedding.  FMIL may be expecting you to stay at her hotel so that you can both see family the next morning before leaving.  You need to find out FMIL's full intentions with her plans.  Once you know FMIL's plans, then you and FI decide together what you are going to do, then later FI will inform FMIL about your decision.

    Also, you probably should have known that FMIL didn't want to partake in the emails since she would only respond to them if you directly asked her if she got an email.  That to me seems obvious she didn't want to partake in the planning.  She may also be feeling put off by the emails because your parents are paying for lots of things for the wedding and she may feel like she shouldn't give an opinion because its not her money.

    FWIW, my parents offered to pay for our reception.  H & I were grateful and we started the search for a venue.  My parents, H & I, and my MIL viewed the first few venues together.  After the 2nd visit, my dad wanted to know why my H was going to the venue tours with us.  I thought he was testing me and I responded back with, "because its his wedding too."  And my dad accepted that answer and I asked him why he asked.  And he said when he married my mom in 1970 it was all planned by my mom's parents, with no input from him or his parents other than the RD.  That was how weddings were planned back then.  So your FMIL may also be having similar feelings of its not my place to opine on suggestions since I'm not paying.

  • I agree with Barbie:  my first thought was "Why does it matter if your FMIL arranges transportation for that side of the family?"  If it makes her happy and it doesn't hurt anything, don't make an issue of it.

    The rudeness thing is surprising.  Maybe she's just not an email person.  Maybe she has other issues, IDK.  Regardless, let your FI deal with her.

    And I would think carefully about how involved she wants to be.  Just because your mother was hurt that she wasn't as involved with previous weddings as she would have liked doesn't mean your FMIL needs to be involved in every little thing.  It's not one size fits all. 


    wackall said:
    PS.....the whole "losing our sons" is a real crock............. We lose our sons at puberty.  From that point on it's all about their friends and mom is only needed on the rocky days..........  we are more than used to it and usually well over it by the time they move out of the house. 
    Stop, you are going to make me cry.  :'(
  • edited September 2015
    Thanks for the responses! Like it has been suggested, I very well could be overreacting. I wanted to reach out for advice because I do want to have a good relationship with my FMIL  Just to clarify... I don't mind at all that my FMIL is planning their own hotel and transportation arrangements. I was frustrated because in person she told me one thing, which involved our families blocking off a larger number of rooms to make the rooms cheaper for our guests, and then didn't reach out to my family to let us know she changed her mind.  

    In regards to transportation, I knew she would be arranging transportation for out of town guests (my family is doing the same) but it has been relayed to me that she wants the groomsmen to use her transportation, that is the issue.  Also, my fiance has been extremely hands on during the planning process.  He has been to every single meeting with the vendors so it's not like its my mom and I planning everything and making it all about "me". My family has also taken his parents to the venues when they were in town so they could see them in person.  My family is not trying to plan anything that my FMIL is traditionally responsible over, like I said my mom has also been the mother of a groom. 

    While I understand that emails are inappropriate to some, they have been in an effort to keep everyone on the same page because we do live in different states and also to offer help (not financially) my FMIL with anything she needs assistance on in regards to the logistics of the wedding and rehearsal dinner because my MFIL has only been our city a few times in her life and is not familiar with the area.  I do agree that emails are not the ideal method of communication because the written word can be taken very differently than the spoken words. Some of the responses are a good example :)
  • edited September 2015


    " A future source of tension with FMIL may be which hotel B&G will stay in the night of the wedding.  FMIL may be expecting you to stay at her hotel so that you can both see family the next morning before leaving.  You need to find out FMIL's full intentions with her plans.  Once you know FMIL's plans, then you and FI decide together what you are going to do, then later FI will inform FMIL about your decision."

    This is also one of my concerns. Although I have spoken to my FMIL in person about this (before I realized there was any possible tension).  My fiance and I will be staying at the hotel where my family, friends, and bridesmaids will be staying the night of the wedding. I have booked the honeymoon suite for the night before the wedding (although no one will stay in it) and the night of the wedding.  The reason that I wanted to stay at this particular historic hotel is because the suites have a very nice balcony that is a great backdrop for bridal pictures.  Even though I won't be getting ready in the honeymoon suite, I will still take pictures in there prior heading to the ceremony.  We had to go ahead an book the honeymoon suite a few weeks ago because this historic hotel fills up extremely fast.  I hope that my FMIL will is still okay with us staying in the room I have booked but I know that I need to clarify with her to make sure this is still her intention as well. Thanks for the advice! 

  • *Barbie* said:


    " A future source of tension with FMIL may be which hotel B&G will stay in the night of the wedding.  FMIL may be expecting you to stay at her hotel so that you can both see family the next morning before leaving.  You need to find out FMIL's full intentions with her plans.  Once you know FMIL's plans, then you and FI decide together what you are going to do, then later FI will inform FMIL about your decision."

    This is also one of my concerns. Although I have spoken to my FMIL in person about this (before I realized there was any possible tension).  My fiance and I will be staying at the hotel where my family, friends, and bridesmaids will be staying the night of the wedding. I have booked the honeymoon suite for the night before the wedding (although no one will stay in it) and the night of the wedding.  The reason that I wanted to stay at this particular historic hotel is because the suites have a very nice balcony that is a great backdrop for bridal pictures.  Even though I won't be getting ready in the honeymoon suite, I will still take pictures in there prior heading to the ceremony.  We had to go ahead an book the honeymoon suite a few weeks ago because this historic hotel fills up extremely fast.  I hope that my FMIL will is still okay with us staying in the room I have booked but I know that I need to clarify with her to make sure this is still her intention as well. Thanks for the advice! 

    Why in the hell do you need to run this by anyone other than your FI? "Hey FI, I booked the honeymoon suite at Hotel X for [dates] - I'll see you there. Wear something sexy."

    Yeah, I think maybe it's time to stop running every little thing past her and have your FI focus on only the important things with her.
  • Agreed with Barbie and Heffa, when you run things by people, they think they have a say in the decisions you make.  Don't give her that power if it's something that doesn't affect her. 

    There's no reason she needs to have *any* say in where you stay your wedding night. 
  • Considering the grooms parents are paying for our hotel the night of the wedding and the fact she has now switched hotels, I thought it would be proper to make sure we were still on the same page about that detail. Thanks, I plan on not sharing anymore information with her regarding planning.
  • Considering the grooms parents are paying for our hotel the night of the wedding and the fact she has now switched hotels, I thought it would be proper to make sure we were still on the same page about that detail. Thanks, I plan on not sharing anymore information with her regarding planning.
    ...wha....? 


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