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Etiquette

Kids at Reception

mmarti73mmarti73 member
First Comment
edited September 2015 in Etiquette
«1

Re: Kids at Reception

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You should not have put anything about adults only on your invitations, but that ship has sailed. If you AND your fiancé do not want his sister's kids there, then your fiancé needs to make that clear to his family. And then you BOTH need to decide if you BOTH intend to throw them out, not have meals or seats for them when they do show up, or just let it go.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    OliveOilsMom
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2015
    First, it is never appropriate to put "adults only" on the invitation. It is rude to state who isn't invited. What is appropriate is to address the invite to whomever IS invited. If people RSVP for extra, then you call them up and let them know, "Sorry, the invitation is only for you and John. We cannot accommodate your children".

    As you can see, putting "Adults only" didn't solve your problem ;).

    Now, as to your question.

    It is never rude NOT to invite children. It doesn't matter the reason- space, cost, you just don't want them there. That is OK.

    What you should do is call up your (well have your FI do this- it's his family, he needs to deal with his own family, presenting what he is saying from both of you) SIL and BIL and tell them, "I am sorry but the invitation is only for the two of you. We cannot accommodate your children".

    As you know, this isn't going over too well.

    Just so you know- it is OK to invite some children but not all children, as long as you aren't splitting up the children in one family. For example, some B&G's will invite the children of immediate family only, or the children of those travelling only, or the children of the WP only. I think this is something to consider. Just because you invite your nieces and nephews doesn't mean you need to start inviting everyone's kids.

    Also, realize that an invitation is not a subpoena. If you invite a couple from out of town who have children, they may decline your invitation because they either cannot find childcare for the weekend (which would be quite fair in your case- this is family, so likely the people who your SIL and BIL would feel comfortable leaving their children with will be at your wedding), or they are not willing to leave their children for such a length of time. This is not rude on the couples' behalf. It does not mean that you have to invite children, but you have to be prepared that the couple might decline.

    At the end of the day though, you have to decide this with your FI. You need to present a united front to his family on your decision. Is this a hill you are willing to die on?

    You are not wrong to not invite ANY children, but you also have to realize SIL and BIL may not come to your wedding because of it. Neither couple is wrong, but what is more important to you? Having FI's family there, or sticking to no kids?

    If at the end of the day, you decide to stick to no kids, FI needs to call up SIL and BIL directly and tell them you are unable to accommodate their children. If they continue to push and say the kids WILL be there, you can let them know there will not be a seat or plate of food for them. Should they still show up, that will be on them to look awkward and have no place to sit. 

    cotton8744Pupatellamollybarker11
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It also concerns me that your fiancé told you his mother is devastated you don't want the kids there. What was his response? He just left you hanging out to dry like that? No kids wasn't a mutual decision between BOTH of you?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Jen4948MesmrEwePrettyGirlLost
  • It was a mutual decision between both of us, and up until the other day, we were told that they were going to have a sitter for the kids but now it has apparently changed. He actually said, "If the (insert last name of SIL here) family doesn't come, I really don't give a f***. 

    And yes, he pretty much left me hanging out to dry because he wouldn't tell her that he felt that way because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. 
  • I would respond but you deleted your original post for some odd reason...
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I would respond but you deleted your original post for some odd reason...
    Probably because OP's feelers got hurt.  Boohoo.
    cotton8744
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    The OP was basically that no kids were invited but that one of her fiance's sisters informed them another sister's kids WOULD be there because it's out of town. She didn't want his family mad at her, but did she have the right to put her foot down because it wasn't fair if his family got to have kids there and hers didn't. Fiance's mother told fiancé she was devastated that OP didn't want the kids there.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Pupatella
  • AddieCake said:
    The OP was basically that no kids were invited but that one of her fiance's sisters informed them another sister's kids WOULD be there because it's out of town. She didn't want his family mad at her, but did she have the right to put her foot down because it wasn't fair if his family got to have kids there and hers didn't. Fiance's mother told fiancé she was devastated that OP didn't want the kids there.
    In other words - the OP believes that she's free to make choices and free from the consequences of those choices.  The reality is OP, your FI if this was in fact a mutual decision and not you projecting a mutual decision on to him, needs to stand up and say WE decided.  If that's not the case, then you've got some decisions to make. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm in the minority here, but I really don't get why everyone makes such a big freaking deal about kids to the point where their own nieces and nephews from out of town are excluded. I get it -- you want an adult-only reception and that's perfectly fine for friends and distant relatives you're inviting or even for close relatives who are local and have a babysitter. But if you want close family members to shell out the money to travel to be there, why would you exclude their children, knowing that puts them a very rough spot as to what to do with them?

    I don't know, I guess it's just me, but I would never expect my sister to fly across the country for my wedding and then tell her that on the day of, she can't bring her child, my niece or nephew, and assume that's going to go over well when she's 1000 miles from home and doesn't have a sitter. And frankly, if my sister did that to me, I'd think very hard about whether or not I want to attend the wedding.

    For me it's not a "big deal" per say, but it is a budget thing. We can either invite kids or close friends. The point is, the couple weighed the consequences and made a decision about who to invite and that's okay. It's their party, their guest list. Ps I'm always late to the DD! Damn!
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    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    AddieCake said:
    @DecemberKnot2016 I don't know that you're necessarily in the minority; a lot of people here would agree with you. However, if the decision not to have children in attendance has been made, then guests need to respect that, and both halves of the couple need to be on the same page about it and support the other. That's the issue.
    Decemberknot2016, I'm totally with you and only invited my nieces and nephews.  All of my siblings lived OOT, so that was a major reason why they were all invited.   Having my siblings there was very important to me.  Even if that meant I had to invited kids.


    However, I ditto Addie.   

    Actions have consequences.   Good or bad.   It's totally fine to want a kid free wedding, but that does not mean your siblings are going to be happy to have to travel OOT for a family wedding without their kids.     






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2015
    I'm in the minority here, but I really don't get why everyone makes such a big freaking deal about kids to the point where their own nieces and nephews from out of town are excluded. I get it -- you want an adult-only reception and that's perfectly fine for friends and distant relatives you're inviting or even for close relatives who are local and have a babysitter. But if you want close family members to shell out the money to travel to be there, why would you exclude their children, knowing that puts them a very rough spot as to what to do with them?

    I don't know, I guess it's just me, but I would never expect my sister to fly across the country for my wedding and then tell her that on the day of, she can't bring her child, my niece or nephew, and assume that's going to go over well when she's 1000 miles from home and doesn't have a sitter. And frankly, if my sister did that to me, I'd think very hard about whether or not I want to attend the wedding.
    I completely agree. I would never do that either. But like Lynda said, people are free to have a child free wedding, but the consequence of that is that your sibling is pissed at you. 

    I personally feel that if you require or expect someone to be at your wedding (typically siblings, parents, wedding party members) you should accommodate their children if necessary.

    I invited some children at my wedding and I never even considered having an adult reception. I have cousins that are 20 years younger than I am, my husband had a groomsman with two sons (that lived out of town), H has a cousin that lives across the country so his son was invited too. 
    We had 8 kids under 17 and it wasn't a problem at all. The three year old of the groomsman was a huge hit at the wedding dancing the whole night.

     I also don't understand the kids and budget issue. Kids don't drink alcohol, and usually their meal (if under 12) is significantly cheaper than an adult meal. We didn't invite any other friends kids though, so I understand limiting children, but inviting a few isn't going to break the bank.
     

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    Knottie1430025803
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm in the minority here, but I really don't get why everyone makes such a big freaking deal about kids to the point where their own nieces and nephews from out of town are excluded. I get it -- you want an adult-only reception and that's perfectly fine for friends and distant relatives you're inviting or even for close relatives who are local and have a babysitter. But if you want close family members to shell out the money to travel to be there, why would you exclude their children, knowing that puts them a very rough spot as to what to do with them?

    I don't know, I guess it's just me, but I would never expect my sister to fly across the country for my wedding and then tell her that on the day of, she can't bring her child, my niece or nephew, and assume that's going to go over well when she's 1000 miles from home and doesn't have a sitter. And frankly, if my sister did that to me, I'd think very hard about whether or not I want to attend the wedding.
    I completely agree. I would never do that either. But like Lynda said, people are free to have a child free wedding, but the consequence of that is that your sibling is pissed at you. 

    I personally feel that if you require or expect someone to be at your wedding (typically siblings, parents, wedding party members) you should accommodate their children if necessary.

    I invited some children at my wedding and I never even considered having an adult reception. I have cousins that are 20 years younger than I am, my husband had a groomsman with two sons (that lived out of town), H has a cousin that lives across the country so his son was invited too. 
    We had 8 kids under 17 and it wasn't a problem at all. The three year old of the groomsman was a huge hit at the wedding dancing the whole night.

     I also don't understand the kids and budget issue. Kids don't drink alcohol, and usually their meal (if under 12) is significantly cheaper than an adult meal. We didn't invite any other friends kids though, so I understand limiting children, but inviting a few isn't going to break the bank.
     


    r Re: budget issue....As a couple getting married in our mid-late 30s with large families (I have 18 cousins on one side) the kids add up quickly! We do have one baby on our list, our only niece who will be 18 months and who lives in another state but if we invited in circles and added the children of cousins, that's 30 kids, if we added friends kids that's another 20! I'm sure there'll be more in the next 14 months too. And it's more than the meal...it's chairs, tables, deserts and probably 2 servers in our case at minimum. Just wanted to offer some reasoning from the other side:).
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    PupatellaMyNameIsNotPrettyGirlLost
  • I think every B&G can decide if kids are coming.

    Personally, I think having kids at a wedding makes it more fun, and family oriented. If B&G's are afraid to invite children because they may spill something, cry during the ceremony etc., I think adults can get just as crazy and spill drinks / food, have cell phones going off curing the ceremony, or just general drunken craziness. It happens. 

    To the OP - I understand that you don't want any children at your wedding, but if this is causing a lot of tension between you and FSIL and FMIL, you may want to make an exception in this case, especially since SIL has to travel for your wedding. I would defer to your FI and see what he thinks as it's his sister.

    SP29
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    I get budgeting for 40 kids but I agree that I am surprised how often on here the bride and grooms refuse to invite even nieces and nephews. That is an easy line to draw and it is kind of weird for me to see that.
    I agree....it just so happens for us that we both have a sibling 10+ years younger so we only have one niece despite probably 75% of our guest list having kids.  She's a baby and I can't even imagine not having her there.

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    MesmrEwe
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2015
    scribe95 said:
    I get budgeting for 40 kids but I agree that I am surprised how often on here the bride and grooms refuse to invite even nieces and nephews. That is an easy line to draw and it is kind of weird for me to see that.
    I agree....it just so happens for us that we both have a sibling 10+ years younger so we only have one niece despite probably 75% of our guest list having kids.  She's a baby and I can't even imagine not having her there.

    I think it happens because in a lot of families the children get so much of everyone's attention, and family events are all based around children's wants and needs, that the couple wants their wedding to be adults-only by way of parity-especially if they themselves don't have children.  This is something I experience in my own family.  My brothers and most of my cousins have children, and whenever there are family get-togethers, they are always about the children. 

    Also, they don't want to have to explain to persons whose children were not invited that the children who are present are family members, because even though we might think that the persons they're explaining it to shouldn't even need an explanation and/or should accept it, it does create hurt feelings when some people's children are invited and not others.  So even though we ourselves would invite at least family children, I think that's why brides and grooms don't want to include even their nieces and nephews.

    kimmiinthemittenSTARMOON44
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm in the minority here, but I really don't get why everyone makes such a big freaking deal about kids to the point where their own nieces and nephews from out of town are excluded. I get it -- you want an adult-only reception and that's perfectly fine for friends and distant relatives you're inviting or even for close relatives who are local and have a babysitter. But if you want close family members to shell out the money to travel to be there, why would you exclude their children, knowing that puts them a very rough spot as to what to do with them?

    I don't know, I guess it's just me, but I would never expect my sister to fly across the country for my wedding and then tell her that on the day of, she can't bring her child, my niece or nephew, and assume that's going to go over well when she's 1000 miles from home and doesn't have a sitter. And frankly, if my sister did that to me, I'd think very hard about whether or not I want to attend the wedding.
    I completely agree. I would never do that either. But like Lynda said, people are free to have a child free wedding, but the consequence of that is that your sibling is pissed at you. 

    I personally feel that if you require or expect someone to be at your wedding (typically siblings, parents, wedding party members) you should accommodate their children if necessary.

    I invited some children at my wedding and I never even considered having an adult reception. I have cousins that are 20 years younger than I am, my husband had a groomsman with two sons (that lived out of town), H has a cousin that lives across the country so his son was invited too. 
    We had 8 kids under 17 and it wasn't a problem at all. The three year old of the groomsman was a huge hit at the wedding dancing the whole night.

     I also don't understand the kids and budget issue. Kids don't drink alcohol, and usually their meal (if under 12) is significantly cheaper than an adult meal. We didn't invite any other friends kids though, so I understand limiting children, but inviting a few isn't going to break the bank.
     


    r Re: budget issue....As a couple getting married in our mid-late 30s with large families (I have 18 cousins on one side) the kids add up quickly! We do have one baby on our list, our only niece who will be 18 months and who lives in another state but if we invited in circles and added the children of cousins, that's 30 kids, if we added friends kids that's another 20! I'm sure there'll be more in the next 14 months too. And it's more than the meal...it's chairs, tables, deserts and probably 2 servers in our case at minimum. Just wanted to offer some reasoning from the other side:).
    I didn't invite every child of every guest though. I'm talking about wedding party's children, siblings children, and minor siblings and cousins. I think stopping there and not inviting cousin's children is a reasonable line. Obviously it depends on your family dynamics, but usually inviting nieces or nephews shouldn't be a huge budget issue.

    And I had more of an all inclusive venue. I only had to pay for food an alcohol, not chairs or tables. So yes, if you have to pay for every glass and chair, I can see limiting it more. But that's something you know in the beginning when you make your guest list.

    Like I have said before, children are guests just like any other adult guest. If you know you want to invite your niece and nephew and cousin Jamie who is 10, then you include them in the guest list at the beginning. If you don't want to, that is your decision, but you can't be upset that people decline or you put your sibling/sibling in law in a bad spot.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    Fwiw, my friend didn't invite her nieces and nephews because they wanted an adult event, and the kids were incredibly poorly behaved. They routinely didn't listen and acted out and went undisciplined. If that's the case, I can't blame many who opt for completely adult events.
    I can also see couples not inviting *any* kids, even family, because they want to avoid the drama of people going, 'ZOMG, but there are kids here?  Why wasn't my special pumpkin sprinkle invited?!"

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Maggie0829LKBBaltimore
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    banana468 said:
    Fwiw, my friend didn't invite her nieces and nephews because they wanted an adult event, and the kids were incredibly poorly behaved. They routinely didn't listen and acted out and went undisciplined. If that's the case, I can't blame many who opt for completely adult events.
    I can also see couples not inviting *any* kids, even family, because they want to avoid the drama of people going, 'ZOMG, but there are kids here?  Why wasn't my special pumpkin sprinkle invited?!"
    All of this or they don't invite any kids because they have huge ass families so inviting all the nieces and nephews may result in 30+ kids added to the guest list.

    PrettyGirlLostredoryx
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Actually, this brings me to a question of my own.  As previously stated, due to the size of our families, the only child invited is our niece because inviting all of our first cousins children would add 30ish people to the list.

    FI has (2) first cousins under 10 who live out of state.  Which circle do they belong in?  Is it rude to not include them and include all other first cousins, or do they count in the kids circle?  I told FI that it was up to him if they were invited, and he said he'd rather not because he doesn't really know them, but etiquette can supercede his opinion. TIA
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Actually, this brings me to a question of my own.  As previously stated, due to the size of our families, the only child invited is our niece because inviting all of our first cousins children would add 30ish people to the list.

    FI has (2) first cousins under 10 who live out of state.  Which circle do they belong in?  Is it rude to not include them and include all other first cousins, or do they count in the kids circle?  I told FI that it was up to him if they were invited, and he said he'd rather not because he doesn't really know them, but etiquette can supercede his opinion. TIA
    Inviting in circles is recommended but certainly not required.  So if your FI wanted to invite these two kids/cousins then he most certainly could.  But since he doesn't want to then I wouldn't.

    [Deleted User]SP29
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Actually, this brings me to a question of my own.  As previously stated, due to the size of our families, the only child invited is our niece because inviting all of our first cousins children would add 30ish people to the list.


    FI has (2) first cousins under 10 who live out of state.  Which circle do they belong in?  Is it rude to not include them and include all other first cousins, or do they count in the kids circle?  I told FI that it was up to him if they were invited, and he said he'd rather not because he doesn't really know them, but etiquette can supercede his opinion. TIA
    I would put them in the first cousin circle. The other kids are second cousins. I think it's self explanatory to the other cousins why these kids are in the same circle as the adult cousins, since they are all first cousins.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    edited September 2015
    banana468 said:
    Fwiw, my friend didn't invite her nieces and nephews because they wanted an adult event, and the kids were incredibly poorly behaved. They routinely didn't listen and acted out and went undisciplined. If that's the case, I can't blame many who opt for completely adult events.
    This is precisely why we are not inviting nieces and nephews (which only consist of my step-sisters' 3 children, ages 7, 4 and 2).  They are extremely poorly behaved and are really not socialized with other adults much, so they have absolutely no awareness of how to behave in a social setting like an evening wedding.  They have no manners and really don't want to be there anyway (no TV, no toys, no kid's food, no other kids) - so my FI and I made the decision to keep the wedding 100% adults-only.  That doesn't mean we don't love them very much - they are our family - that's just what worked best for our situation (and our stress levels).

    Edit to remove extra words.


  • LD1970 said:
    Some of us just hate kids at weddings.  I don't like them underfoot when I'm dancing, end of story.
    Or this.


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