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[Deleted User]

ShesSoCold

Lucy105 said:

Hi! My fiancé and I just got engaged a month ago. We live in Maryland, but our families are spread out. Mine is all in Philadelphia, his is in Los Angeles, Texas, and Atlanta. There is no real easy central place for a wedding, so naturally, we decided on a destination wedding somewhere in the Caribbean or central America to make it  wedding with a family vacation. This has upset my mom greatly. She is insisting that we are being more fair to my fiancé's family when we should be showing bias to my family since they are paying for the wedding. She is insisting we have it within driving distance to her. This has really upset my fiancé and myself as that will not be the wedding we want or dreamed of. We told her that if the money for the wedding came with strings attached, we would pay for it ourselves, but this only seemed to hurt and upset her more. Now my mom is hurt and angry with both of us, my fiancé is mad at my mother and I feel very caught in the middle. Can anyone please tell me how I should handle this situation and what I should do? Is there any way out of this without hurting feelings or getting into a larger argument?

Thanks.

You do the exactly what you said - the bolded. Tell your mom that you're sorry but this is what you want and you're happy to pay for it. I would also keep planning talk with her to a minimum because she may have negative opinions on everything else you're doing or try to change your mind. 

Maggie0829

Pay for the wedding yourself like you said you would.  Plan the wedding you and your FI want and keep any discussion with your Mom to a minimum.  She will eventually (hopefully) get over it.

climbingsingle

Money always comes with strings. If you are going to accept her money, you need to honor her wishes. Or, like you said, you can pay for the wedding yourselves and plan it exactly the way you want it. 

When we first got engaged, I wanted a destination wedding. I wanted a beach, I wanted tropical - all of that. But I also wanted all of my family there, and it was not realistic to expect all of them to be able to fly/travel for it, especially my 93 year old grandma. My now husband also wanted to be able to celebrate with all of his friends, not just the ones that would have been able to afford it. So it came down to what was more important, and we decided to have a wedding in our home state of NY. 

lembaslover

I can totally see why your mom would be upset if she is paying to just be told it's going to be in the Caribbean and that it's going to also be her vacation for the year. So like PP suggested if that is really what you want to do then you will need to decline her money and pay for it yourselves like you told your mom. She can still be hurt by this since she made a generous offer to pay and you are declining it but hopefully this is something that she will eventually get over. 

As for a DW if that's what you want great but you mention it is also going to be a family vacation and I don't think you should count on that. There are like 3 people who I would go to a destination wedding for and anyone else I'm declining. Why? Because your idea of a vacation might not be the same as mine and if I'm going to shell out vacation money it's either for one of those 3 people or it's for the vacation I want. So while the Caribbean sounds like an ideal location for your guests Aunt Susie might want to go to Alaska instead, and Grandpa Joe and Cousin Patty want to go to Europe. People tend to not like having their vacation decided for them. Again not saying you shouldn't have a DW if that's what you want, just saying you shouldn't expect people to accept your "it's also a family vacation" reasoning. 

Jells2dot0

Another thing to consider is that while most people might have to travel, traveling domestically is almost always cheaper than going internationally. Airfare is usually more, resorts usually charge more than a Hampton Inn, and then there are passports. Not everyone has one or can afford one. That being said, I agree with PPs- pay for it yourselves and keep talk with mom to a minimum. However, it's absolutely imperative that you make sure your VIP guests from both side are on board with your plans. Of course, if you don't care that these VIPs may not be able to attend, then move forward with your plans. But, if you absolutely want certain people there, make sure they are on board with international, and if not, maybe rethink and see what will work for them.

lyndausvi

Jells2dot0 said:

Another thing to consider is that while most people might have to travel, traveling domestically is almost always cheaper than going internationally. Airfare is usually more, resorts usually charge more than a Hampton Inn, and then there are passports. Not everyone has one or can afford one. That being said, I agree with PPs- pay for it yourselves and keep talk with mom to a minimum. However, it's absolutely imperative that you make sure your VIP guests from both side are on board with your plans. Of course, if you don't care that these VIPs may not be able to attend, then move forward with your plans. But, if you absolutely want certain people there, make sure they are on board with international, and if not, maybe rethink and see what will work for them.

ditto.     

princessleia22

Jells2dot0 said:

Another thing to consider is that while most people might have to travel, traveling domestically is almost always cheaper than going internationally. Airfare is usually more, resorts usually charge more than a Hampton Inn, and then there are passports. Not everyone has one or can afford one. That being said, I agree with PPs- pay for it yourselves and keep talk with mom to a minimum. However, it's absolutely imperative that you make sure your VIP guests from both side are on board with your plans. Of course, if you don't care that these VIPs may not be able to attend, then move forward with your plans. But, if you absolutely want certain people there, make sure they are on board with international, and if not, maybe rethink and see what will work for them.

I was in a similar situation with family spread out in each corner of the country (Michigan, Florida, Alabama, Arizona, Oregon).  There was no good location that would be easy for everyone. We decided to do a destination wedding in New Orleans.  It was fairly central to everyone, it's a domestic location so travel was affordable and no passports needed.  But, even then, we invited around 80 people and had only 25 guests attend. All of our VIP's were that, but that was about it. Even with a domestic location, you will have people that are unable to travel. We checked with our VIP's in advance before booking anything.  If any of them couldn't come, we had backup plans for a wedding in our current location (near most of his family) or near my home town. But, if your VIP's are concerned about international travel, you may want to look at domestic destination locations.  There are some fairly decent locations in Florida that would still give you the tropical venue while avoiding international travel hassles & costs for your guests.

And we paid for our wedding ourselves. If your parents pay, they do get a say in the location. You have the right to refuse their money and plan the wedding how you want it, but there still is the risk of hurt feelings. Maybe talk to your mom and see if she is willing to compromise. If not, you need to decide where your priorities lie and may need to make some compromises yourself. 

Jen4948

Since you told your mother that you and your FI would pay for the wedding you want in its entirety, that's what I would do.

I'd tell your mother, "Mom, FI and I have jointly decided that since it's not practical to have a wedding here that would exclude most of his family, or one where he lives that would exclude most of ours, we will plan and pay for the wedding that would mean the most to us. Whoever we invite who can come, regardless of which side of the family they are from, will be very welcome. This is our final decision and it's not open to discussion."

[Deleted User]

Maggie0829

Lucy105 said:

Sorry, I should clarify:

Family, in this case, to me means Mom, Dad, my Sister and my 2 Brothers (all of whom are under 23 so I would be paying, happily, for all of them out of the money my mother was offering us, if we pay for the wedding ourselves, sadly that won't be an option), and my parents are quite well off. I'm not expecting, nor am I inviting aunts, uncles, cousins, ect. There will be a separate very casual after party for those extended family members when we return. The total count of people on my side would be 6, on my fiancé's side would be 7 (his parents are divorced and remarried with half siblings all under the age of 12). HIS side of the family is more than thrilled to make our wedding their Caribbean vacation.

My twin brothers are 19 so their idea of a vacation is anywhere my parents or I pay for, my little sister would also need me or my parents to pay for her as she is solely supporting herself and her 23 year old husband while he is in medical school, my parents just got back from the Caribbean 2 days ago...they love the locations I'm looking at, and my father is all for a vacation/wedding, however my mother is a huge powerful VP of a company with 4 degrees, owned her own home before 50 and makes significantly more than my father so she will likely out rule him and my fiancé and myself IF we accept her money.

I agree with everyone saying we should just pay for it ourselves. I think that is the best option, but I know it will still cause some drama initially. My little sister had the huge wedding in Pennsylvania (her fiancé's family lives 4 blocks from my family... so it wasn't an issue for them), an my mother seemed thrilled with it, but that just is not what I want.

No, you would not be paying for their travel and lodging, your parents would have been paying for their travel and lodging.  And that is if your parents even wanted to do that.

I do agree with PP about not making this about "ooh this could also be your family vacation" because not everyone wants to use a DW as a vacation.  Some may only come for 2 or 3 days while others may stay a week.

But a DW sounds like something that you and your FI want so then plan it and pay for it yourself.  Your parents may get pissed but they will most likely get over it.  The people who can make it will make it.  Those who can't won't.  The exact same thing can be said for a hometown wedding.  So if you and your FI are set on this DW then be nice, but forceful with your parents.  You are an adult and are allowed to make the decision that is best, not just for your family, but also for your FI.

STARMOON44

So you're deciding that your mom has to pay to take 2 19 year olds, a 23 year old, and that 23 year olds husband, on a vacation, or they won't see their sister get married? I can see why she's pissed.

[Deleted User]

STARMOON44

STARMOON44 said:

So you're deciding that your mom has to pay to take 2 19 year olds, a 23 year old, and that 23 year olds husband, on a vacation, or they won't see their sister get married? I can see why she's pissed.

No, actually, my mother offered me $30,000 for my wedding and I said can I use a portion of that to fly you, dad, my brothers, my sister (21 not 23, she got married quite young), and her husband? And she said that the money is intended for a reception. SO, thanks to the advice of the kind posters above you, I am going to decline her generous offer and pay for my own wedding. If they would like to take the $30,000 that they already have put aside for a local wedding and use a portion of it to attend the wedding I am going to pay for, by all means!

Your response was rude and snarky and there really is no need for that, when I was asking advice. Have a great day Starmoon

Yup. <Edited due to TOS Violation>. Your got an offer of a gift, decided to spend it in a way the giver didn't approve of, and now you're going ahead and having your wedding in a location YOU KNOW 4 of your immediate family members can't afford to get to, and your solution is that you guess mom will have to suck it up and pay for them? Or are you just ok with your two brothers, sister, and husband not coming?

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User]

Thanks to all the polite and helpful ladies who gave me real, honest advice. My fiancé and I are going to pay for the wedding. I appreciate your input. I'm quite surprised that in a forum focused on brides where I expected women to help and support other women that there is still cattiness, jealousy, and snarkiness and thus I am going to unfollow this post going forward. Thank you very much to the rest of you!

STARMOON44

Lucy105 said:

Actually, my parents own 2 houses and are EXTREMELY well off and can afford plenty. Luckily, as am I! Together my fiancé and I make over $150,000 a year. I was asking this forum if I should accept her gift offer (because my family is VERY traditional and WANTED to offer this money) and have the wedding she wants,  or pay for my own (as I am fully capable of) and have the wedding I want.

Why the name calling? You really must lead a very sad life to troll people asking for advice on the internet. I pity you very much and wish you good luck.

I'm so confused. Your brothers can't afford this right? And your sister and her husband can't? And you aren't planning to pay for their trips. You're assuming your parents will. That's spending someone else's money for them. It doesn't matter if your parents can easily afford it, it's rude and entitled to decide that they are going to.

southernbelle0915

Ditto PPs. I would pay for it yourself and have the wedding you want. 

However (and a big however), you do need to decide what's important to you. If you KNOW your siblings cannot afford to travel for your wedding, you need to decide if location is more important than their attendance. Do not expect your parents to pick up their travel tab, no matter how may houses they own (lol to that comment, btw!).

kaos16

Lucy105 said:

Actually, my parents own 2 houses and are EXTREMELY well off and can afford plenty. Luckily, as am I! Together my fiancé and I make over $150,000 a year. I was asking this forum if I should accept her gift offer (because my family is VERY traditional and WANTED to offer this money) and have the wedding she wants,  or pay for my own (as I am fully capable of) and have the wedding I want.

Why the name calling? You really must lead a very sad life to troll people asking for advice on the internet. I pity you very much and wish you good luck.

We get it, your parents are rich. . . . it still doesn't mean you get any say in how they spend their money.  

Maggie0829

Lucy105 said:

Actually, my parents own 2 houses and are EXTREMELY well off and can afford plenty. Luckily, as am I! Together my fiancé and I make over $150,000 a year. I was asking this forum if I should accept her gift offer (because my family is VERY traditional and WANTED to offer this money) and have the wedding she wants,  or pay for my own (as I am fully capable of) and have the wedding I want.

Why the name calling? You really must lead a very sad life to troll people asking for advice on the internet. I pity you very much and wish you good luck.

Um, good for you and your parents?  But really I am not impressed by how much you make a year or the fact that your parents own two houses.

Look all Starmoon is trying to say, is that your siblings cannot afford to travel to your DW but you are assuming that your parents will pay for them to come.  Assuming that your parents will pay for their travel is not a smart thing to do.  And it can be seen as you spending someone else's money.  So all we are trying to say is that you should not assume anything and just prepare yourself that your siblings may not come to your DW.

NowIAmSyp

Lucy105 said:

Actually, my parents own 2 houses and are EXTREMELY well off and can afford plenty. Luckily, as am I! Together my fiancé and I make over $150,000 a year. I was asking this forum if I should accept her gift offer (because my family is VERY traditional and WANTED to offer this money) and have the wedding she wants,  or pay for my own (as I am fully capable of) and have the wedding I want.

Why the name calling? You really must lead a very sad life to troll people asking for advice on the internet. I pity you very much and wish you good luck.

[Deleted User]

justsie

Lucy105 said:

I'm not saying I do I'm saying I'm not taking their money. Don't worry I will be deleting this post. None of you know anything about me. We're not rich my fiancé has a chronic illness and we have insane medical bills. None of this is any of your business. Thank you for the advice and those of you who were bitchyI will pray for you.

Box goes here___________

You can't delete this post, and you have been quoted, so deleting your original won't erase anything. Why brag about how much money you make and then immediately state how little money you have? Look, either you care enough about your siblings to have a wedding that they can attend or you don't care about them attending and are going to have a wedding they cannot attend. That doesn't mean you have to have a DW, just don't invite them to the wedding if you don't want them there. If you want them there, have a wedding they can actually attend. No need to pretend its because you don't have the money to pay for them and that your parents are big meanies if they don't allow you to spend their money for them. And where in the world did you get that any one of the posters are jealous of you?

photokitty

I came for the DD! Nice job quoting everyone! A+

OP, please, please, please, improve personal quality. Big time. Huge, actually.

missa011

Thanks for the quotes, this was just the break I needed at work.

Pupatella

Wow. I don't get it. You guys gave her great advice.

And I agree with you. If you know that your VIP guests will not be able to afford to travel to your destination wedding, than that is a problem and you should reconsider your location.

AWESOME quoting job!!

hellohkb

I don't normally venture around these parts, but damn, no1curr about her and her family's income or homes. That's all I kept thinking about the entire thread when she brought up their income like 4 times!

Thank you to those who quoted and for the OP for changing the title to a batcall.

ShesSoCold

hellohkb said:

I don't normally venture around these parts, but damn, no1curr about her and her family's income or homes. That's all I kept thinking about the entire thread when she brought up their income like 4 times! Thank you to those who quoted and for the OP for changing the title to a batcall.

Lies. You know you're totes jelly.

hellohkb

ShesSoCold said:

hellohkb said:

I don't normally venture around these parts, but damn, no1curr about her and her family's income or homes. That's all I kept thinking about the entire thread when she brought up their income like 4 times!

Thank you to those who quoted and for the OP for changing the title to a batcall.

Lies. You know you're totes jelly.

It's true I am so jelly I'm peanut butter and jelly

thisismynickname2

Too bad about the bat signal and deletion, because I'd suggest this bride try Florida. A coworker of mine had the same type of arrangement (except I don't know her household income but I'd bet it was bank due to her fiance's profession, hey-oh) and they settled on a nice hotel in Fort Lauderdale. Much easier than international travel as PPs point out, with cost-effective options for over 150 guests. 

Jells2dot0

All I can think about