Need advice on FI and BM

Pupatella

So my gut reaction is to do nothing. Please let me know if I am wrong, and should be doing something here....I just feel so bad for my FI as I don't like to see him get hurt.

FI chose his BM about 9-10 months ago. Some things have happened since FI asked him to be his BM, and they don't seem as close as before. I'll list the major issues, but there have been other things as well.

BM got engaged and married after FI asked him to be his BM (no big deal here), but they gave us about a 3 weeks notice that we had to fly across the country for their wedding. His BM got married on a Friday, and we had to be there on Thursday (for the rehearsal in addition to the Friday wedding). This was an inconvenience, but we did it. My FI was a GM in the wedding, but not the BM (he didn't seem to care, and not sure if this matters, but am mentioning it anyways because it may add to the hurt my FI is going through). FI and I spent almost $1200 to book last minute flights, hotel, buy GM outfit (yes he had to purchase the GM outfit, not rent), buy wedding gift, etc.

My FI's BM's wedding was about 4 months ago. We have not received a thank you card, and my FI did not receive a GM gift (I am mentioning this because he was told that his gift would be in the mail at the rehearsal dinner, but no GM have received any gift, so at least my FI was not singled out here).

About a month after the BM's wedding, BM reached out to FI about the bachelor party, asking about a time frame that would work for FI, what my FI wanted, etc. My FI told him to please have the bachelor party at least 1-2 months before our wedding so as not to interfere with wedding planning, work travel, etc.

Last night my FI told me that he has heard nothing from his BM at all, about his bachelor party or anything else, and was really hurt by it because he just wanted a night out with his friends. FI said that BM was supposed to reach back out to FI to confirm a day that would work best, but it has been a couple of months, and now the wedding is almost here. BM lives about 2 hours away, so they don't see each other often. There are other GM too, and FI wanted to just spend a night with his buddies.

I am not close at all to BM's DW, so I do not feel comfortable contacting her about this situation. I just feel so bad for my FI, and I hate to see him hurt. 

FI asked me if he should reach out to BM to ask him about the bachelor party and if there was still one being planned. I don't know if this is the right answer here, but when he was talking about all of this he was very upset so I advised him not to text his buddy until he calmed down. But I'm not even sure if he should text his BM about this even if he is calm...

Any advice on what to do, or how to handle would be greatly appreciated.

Jen4948

I agree with your gut-let it go.  Definitely don't reach out to the BM's wife. 

I'd tell your FI to not expect his BM to follow through about a bachelor party.  If he hasn't heard anything, probably nothing is being done for whatever reason.  Maybe the BM is just too involved in his own life right now to deal with it.  If one of his other GM brings it up, your FI can respond, "I haven't heard anything about one, but you're welcome to plan it if you like if it's in X range of dates."

Pupatella

Jen4948 said:

I agree with your gut-let it go.  Definitely don't reach out to the BM's wife. 

I'd tell your FI to not expect his BM to follow through about a bachelor party.  If he hasn't heard anything, probably nothing is being done for whatever reason.  Maybe the BM is just too involved in his own life right now to deal with it.  If one of his other GM brings it up, your FI can respond, "I haven't heard anything about one, but you're welcome to plan it if you like if it's in X range of dates."

Thanks Jen!! Yea I have a feeling that one is not going to happen either.

MairePoppy

So sorry - you're right - he shouldn't ask if the BM is planning a BP. Hopefully one of the other GM will offer to organize something. 

Your fi could ask his GM if they'd like to go out one night before the wedding, but he shouldn't refer to the night out as a BP. 

Pupatella

MairePoppy said:

So sorry - you're right - he shouldn't ask if the BM is planning a BP. Hopefully one of the other GM will offer to organize something. 

Your fi could ask his GM if they'd like to go out one night before the wedding, but he shouldn't refer to the night out as a BP. 

I hope so, but if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen. My gut says no since he hasn't heard anything for a couple of months. But who knows they could surprise him!

I did mention to my FI that we can go out bar hopping together, just the two of us, for our bachelor / bachelorette parties. I am not having a bachelorette party. His eyes lit up at this as we haven't gone bar hopping in ages.

So if he doesn't hear anything from his BM or GM in a couple of weeks, I may just do this with him.

Thanks for confirming that I'm doing the right thing by doing nothing at all.

Edited for spelling

JoanE2012

MairePoppy said:

So sorry - you're right - he shouldn't ask if the BM is planning a BP. Hopefully one of the other GM will offer to organize something. 

Your fi could ask his GM if they'd like to go out one night before the wedding, but he shouldn't refer to the night out as a BP. 

This.  If he really wants to hang out with the guys, there's no reason he can't plan a guys night out.  It doesn't (and shouldn't by him) need to be labeled a bachelor party.

Pupatella

JoanE2012 said:

MairePoppy said:

So sorry - you're right - he shouldn't ask if the BM is planning a BP. Hopefully one of the other GM will offer to organize something. 

Your fi could ask his GM if they'd like to go out one night before the wedding, but he shouldn't refer to the night out as a BP. 

This.  If he really wants to hang out with the guys, there's no reason he can't plan a guys night out.  It doesn't (and shouldn't by him) need to be labeled a bachelor party.

---------------------------------------------

Thanks!! His GM and BM do not live close, so it's not easy for them to get together nowadays. A guys night out sounds great, but the reality of that happening is slim unless they plan something in advance. My FI was going to travel to make it more convenient. I think since he has heard nothing after his BM asked him for some dates a couple of months ago, his feelings are too hurt for him to reach out and ask for a guys night out (at least from his BM)...

When I followed up with him tonight on it, I got the "I don't care. It doesn't matter" response. But I know it does matter to him.

I feel bad but there's nothing I can do except listen to him when he wants to talk about it again.

Maggie0829

It sucks that the BM made it seem like he was planning something and then didn't come through.  I think at this point your FI just needs to feel disappointed/hurt and give himself time to get over it.  It doesn't sound like anything is being planned so he just needs to accept that.

Has the BM always been kind of flakey in the past?  If so, this all really shouldn't come as too much of surprise to your FI.  Sometimes when people get married they tend to hope that their friends will step up to the plate a bit more then they would on a normal day, but unfortunately that just doesn't always happen.

As far as BMs wedding, sounds like they planned something pretty quick.  But none of that has any impact on how your FI should feel about his current situation.  You both went to the wedding and got them a gift and spent the necessary money because you wanted to.  If you did so expecting something in return that is not they way to go about doing things.  And yes, 4 months is a bit longer then I would like regarding a thank you note, but it isn't crazy horrible (yet).

But from what I am getting from your post is that this BM is kind of flakey and last minute with things so I wouldn't have been expecting him to do a 180 and plan things way in advance or at all.

lembaslover

I'm in a similar situation with my MOH she talked about planning something and I haven't heard anything since and it's been a month or so. Does it kind of suck that at this point I give it a 50/50 shot that it is going to happen? Sure. Am I surprised? Nope. I did not pick her to be my MOH because she always follows through with plans (this isn't unusual). I picked her because I couldn't imagine not having her with me on the day I get married. I see where you're coming from because my FI is probably more upset about it than I am. I bet it's similar here where you're more upset than he is. That isn't to say he's not hurt, but he's probably not surprised either and knew this full well when he chose his BM.

Pupatella

Maggie0829 said:

It sucks that the BM made it seem like he was planning something and then didn't come through.  I think at this point your FI just needs to feel disappointed/hurt and give himself time to get over it.  It doesn't sound like anything is being planned so he just needs to accept that.

Has the BM always been kind of flakey in the past?  If so, this all really shouldn't come as too much of surprise to your FI.  Sometimes when people get married they tend to hope that their friends will step up to the plate a bit more then they would on a normal day, but unfortunately that just doesn't always happen.

As far as BMs wedding, sounds like they planned something pretty quick.  But none of that has any impact on how your FI should feel about his current situation.  You both went to the wedding and got them a gift and spent the necessary money because you wanted to.  If you did so expecting something in return that is not they way to go about doing things.  And yes, 4 months is a bit longer then I would like regarding a thank you note, but it isn't crazy horrible (yet).

But from what I am getting from your post is that this BM is kind of flakey and last minute with things so I wouldn't have been expecting him to do a 180 and plan things way in advance or at all.

Hey Maggie,

Thanks for your advice!!

To answer your question about BM, he isn't flakey. I just think he has a lot going on in his life.

My FI isn't expecting BM to do something in return of the money we spent on his wedding. I definitely don't regret going to BM's wedding and would do the same thing tomorrow (yes the wedding was planned very quickly but that was their choice, and it was ours to attend). I just think that this added to the hurt my FI is feeling since we dropped everything to be there for them.

I think BM is busy with his new marriage (it was a shotgun wedding and their DD is 1). Not judging, just saying he has a lot to deal with. His new DW was very interesting at the wedding to say the least. Getting drunk, completely out of control, and being kicked out of the bar after the wedding is just one of the things that occured that weekend. So I just think BM has a lot going on.

But if he couldn't commit to a BP for my FI, he shouldn't of said he was planning one. My FI said he's reached out via text just asking how it's going with BM and he gets a very short response and BM can't chat, so he's worried about his friend. I think he was looking forward to spending time with BM and seeing if he's okay.

That's life, but I just don't like to see my FI hurt. I think it would have been a lot better if BM called 2-3 months ago and said "sorry man, but I have so much going on right now I can't plan a BP". Or just not have brought up a BP at all.

Anyways, like I said, there is a ton more to this story that I am not getting into.

I think I'm going to take my FI bar hopping and we can just have a night of fun ourselves!!

Maggie0829

Pupatella said:

It sucks that the BM made it seem like he was planning something and then didn't come through.  I think at this point your FI just needs to feel disappointed/hurt and give himself time to get over it.  It doesn't sound like anything is being planned so he just needs to accept that.

Has the BM always been kind of flakey in the past?  If so, this all really shouldn't come as too much of surprise to your FI.  Sometimes when people get married they tend to hope that their friends will step up to the plate a bit more then they would on a normal day, but unfortunately that just doesn't always happen.

As far as BMs wedding, sounds like they planned something pretty quick.  But none of that has any impact on how your FI should feel about his current situation.  You both went to the wedding and got them a gift and spent the necessary money because you wanted to.  If you did so expecting something in return that is not they way to go about doing things.  And yes, 4 months is a bit longer then I would like regarding a thank you note, but it isn't crazy horrible (yet).

But from what I am getting from your post is that this BM is kind of flakey and last minute with things so I wouldn't have been expecting him to do a 180 and plan things way in advance or at all.

Hey Maggie, Thanks for your advice!! To answer your question about BM, he isn't flakey. I just think he has a lot going on in his life. My FI isn't expecting BM to do something in return of the money we spent on his wedding. I definitely don't regret going to BM's wedding and would do the same thing tomorrow (yes the wedding was planned very quickly but that was their choice, and it was ours to attend). I just think that this added to the hurt my FI is feeling since we dropped everything to be there for them. I think BM is busy with his new marriage (it was a shotgun wedding and their DD is 1). Not judging, just saying he has a lot to deal with. His new DW was very interesting at the wedding to say the least. Getting drunk, completely out of control, and being kicked out of the bar after the wedding is just one of the things that occured that weekend. So I just think BM has a lot going on. But if he couldn't commit to a BP for my FI, he shouldn't of said he was planning one. My FI said he's reached out via text just asking how it's going with BM and he gets a very short response and BM can't chat, so he's worried about his friend. I think he was looking forward to spending time with BM and seeing if he's okay. That's life, but I just don't like to see my FI hurt. I think it would have been a lot better if BM called 2-3 months ago and said "sorry man, but I have so much going on right now I can't plan a BP". Or just not have brought up a BP at all. Anyways, like I said, there is a ton more to this story that I am not getting into. I think I'm going to take my FI bar hopping and we can just have a night of fun ourselves!!

I completely get that you don't like seeing your FI hurt.  Maybe when the BM asked him about the bach party at the time he really was going to plan something.  Then life got in the way.  And sometimes the stuff going on in your life makes you forget that you even said anything about a bach party to begin with.

It sucks, but it is just something that your FI will have to get over in time.  It is good that you are going to take him out so that he can have some fun. 

TheCheeseWench

So I know it isn't the same as a night out with his GM & BM, but what if you organized a fun get together with some of his local buddies? Maybe host a casual poker night at home and you get them some beers and snacks? Since it isn't a bachelor party I don't see a problem with you organizing it. Just a nice evening with friends.

Pupatella

TheCheeseWench said:

So I know it isn't the same as a night out with his GM & BM, but what if you organized a fun get together with some of his local buddies? Maybe host a casual poker night at home and you get them some beers and snacks? Since it isn't a bachelor party I don't see a problem with you organizing it. Just a nice evening with friends.

Thanks!! This i can do.

Edited to add that we don't have many close friends in the area. But, I can still organize something with his work buddies.

Pupatella

I would just like to thank everyone for the fantastic advice and putting everything in perspective for me!!

@engagedhampstermom, after taking a breather and taking a step back, you are SO right that I am probably more upset about this than he is. 

@TheCheeseWench, my FI requested to have dinner with one of my coworkers that he now considers a friend a few weeks ago, but unfortunately with our work schedules we haven't gotten together yet. This coworker transferred from my home town to my current city about a year before I did, so we have remained really good friends, and my FI gets along great with him and his DW. I'm definitely going to arrange this and have a fun night out!!

Pupatella

Hi Everyone!! Sorry I have been MIA for awhile - busy season and then wedding planning has consumed my life. Boo on the busy season, but yay on the wedding planning!! I am SO excited the big day is almost here.

So quick update on this situation, with a few questions:

* BP never happened, but that's okay. We had a night out with some work friends, and FI and I are having our own bachelor/bachelorette party this weekend!! I think it will be a really fun time, and we are both looking forward to a night out on the town together. 

* Now we think that the BM is not going to come to our wedding at all (he did not book the hotel room block by the deadline, he has not RSVP'd (for the wedding or the rehearsal dinner), he has not had his tux fitted, and he will not give my FI an answer of if he is coming or not). We definitely can't force him to show up, but just a couple of questions below. I would also like to make it clear that we are definitely not going to replace the BM if he doesn't show up. We are not removing his name from the ceremony programs, etc.

a. We are meeting with our DJ this weekend, and my FI said that because he doesn't think his BM is showing up, he is going to ask another groomsman to do a toast. The DJ needs the names of people giving toasts so he can call on them. My FI is going to give the other groomsman's name to the DJ (which is fine and his choice). If the BM decides to show up, should we change the toast back to the BM, or just leave it as the other groomsman?

b. We have our final payment due in about a week. My FI has been trying to get an answer from the BM of if he is coming or not, but my FI thinks that the BM is not coming to the wedding, and is just avoiding the situation. The BM has not talked to my FI since the BM's wedding over 5 months ago. No calls are returned. He will text back occasionally that he is busy and can't talk, but has yet to call back my FI. I have reached out to the venue and asked about what to do if we don't have a final count by the time the payment is due (he is the last RSVP we need). If we don't pay for the the BM, his SO, and their child at the time of the final payment, we can add them no later than 48 hours before our big day. My fear is that if the BM just shows up at the wedding, we will not have paid for a meal for him. Is it rude to suggest that my FI gives him a deadline to respond since the BM has been so unresponsive? Something like "Hey, we would love you guys to come to the wedding, but also understand if you can't make it. If we don't hear back from you by 11/1(?), then we are going to assume that you guys aren't coming". 

c. My FI has already bought the groomsmen gifts, and their names are engraved on the gifts. My FI was going to send the BM the gift post wedding. We have not received any thank you for going to their wedding over 5 months ago (BM's). Is it okay to send him the groomsmen gift even if he doesn't show up? I don't want it to seem like we are calling him out that he still hasn't sent out groomsmen gifts or thank you's for his wedding. We just don't know what to do with his gift as his name is engraved on it.

d. Not really a question, but I know that this has really hurt my FI a lot, and I really feel for him. For any lurkers out there who were asked to be best man, maid of honor, groomsmen, bridesmaids, etc - the bride and groom will totally understand that life happens, and you may not be able to attend their wedding. But please discuss this honestly with them and don't avoid the situation. This will save a lot of time, hurt feelings, etc.

Edited for typo.

ryanandjoe4

Pupatella said:

Hi Everyone!! Sorry I have been MIA for awhile - busy season and then wedding planning has consumed my life. Boo on the busy season, but yay on the wedding planning!! I am SO excited the big day is almost here.

So quick update on this situation, with a few questions:

* BP never happened, but that's okay. We had a night out with some work friends, and FI and I are having our own bachelor/bachelorette party this weekend!! I think it will be a really fun time, and we are both looking forward to a night out on the town together. Sounds fun I think H and I need this..

* Now we think that the BM is not going to come to our wedding at all (he did not book the hotel room block by the deadline, he has not RSVP'd (for the wedding or the rehearsal dinner), he has not had his tux fitted, and he will not give my FI an answer of if he is coming or not). We definitely can't force him to show up, but just a couple of questions below. I would also like to make it clear that we are definitely not going to replace the BM if he doesn't show up. We are not removing his name from the ceremony programs, etc.

a. We are meeting with our DJ this weekend, and my FI said that because he doesn't think his BM is showing up, he is going to ask another groomsman to do a toast. The DJ needs the names of people giving toasts so he can call on them. My FI is going to give the other groomsman's name to the DJ (which is fine and his choice). If the BM decides to show up, should we change the toast back to the BM, or just leave it as the other groomsman? Are you doing an entrance, with the WP? If so then the DJ will need everyones names, I would leave it as it is and then if he doesn't show up make sure that the DJ is aware, I am sure it won't be the first or the last time he has had to make a last minute change like that..

b. We have our final payment due in about a week. My FI has been trying to get an answer from the BM of if he is coming or not, but my FI thinks that the BM is not coming to the wedding, and is just avoiding the situation. The BM has not talked to my FI since the BM's wedding over 5 months ago. No calls are returned. He will text back occasionally that he is busy and can't talk, but has yet to call back my FI. I have reached out to the venue and asked about what to do if we don't have a final count by the time the payment is due (he is the last RSVP we need). If we don't pay for the the BM, his SO, and their child at the time of the final payment, we can add them no later than 48 hours before our big day. My fear is that if the BM just shows up at the wedding, we will not have paid for a meal for him. Is it rude to suggest that my FI gives him a deadline to respond since the BM has been so unresponsive? Something like "Hey, we would love you guys to come to the wedding, but also understand if you can't make it. If we don't hear back from you by 11/1(?), then we are going to assume that you guys aren't coming". Are you doing a seated dinner, or a Buffet? we had a buffet and had a BM that was exactly like this BM and she didn't buy a dress, or show up so took her self out.. but since she was still a friend and acted like she wanted to come but wouldn't give a straight answer, I counted her and let it go. 

c. My FI has already bought the groomsmen gifts, and their names are engraved on the gifts. My FI was going to send the BM the gift post wedding. We have not received any thank you for going to their wedding over 5 months ago (BM's). Is it okay to send him the groomsmen gift even if he doesn't show up? I don't want it to seem like we are calling him out that he still hasn't sent out groomsmen gifts or thank you's for his wedding. We just don't know what to do with his gift as his name is engraved on it. send it to him, be the bigger person, maybe this will show him his wrongs, most likely not, but maybe..

d. Not really a question, but I know that this has really hurt my FI a lot, and I really feel for him. For any lurkers out there who were asked to be best man, maid of honor, groomsmen, bridesmaids, etc - the bride and groom will totally understand that life happens, and you may not be able to attend their wedding. But please discuss this honestly with them and don't avoid the situation. This will save a lot of time, hurt feelings, etc. Ditto these are supposed to be your friends, that have honored you by asking you to be apart of one of the biggest days in their life! 

Edited for typo.

I don't understand why people just can't get past the MOH and BM, and bridesmaid "duties".. no I don't want you to do anything but buy a dress, and come to enjoy the moment with me! My friends kept saying to me "I would plan a party for you but I don't want to step on MOH toes" My MOH was wonderful did a great job on the shower, but the b-party date that worked for most did not work for her, I never expected her to plan a party that she couldn't come to.. At the last minute my mom stepped up and got people together.

Pupatella

Thanks @ryandandjoe4!!

To answer your questions:

1. No WP entrances. Only my FH and I will be doing an entrance. The DJ will only have the names of people giving toasts. So at least this way if the BM doesn't show up, I think only the officiant and the DOC will need to be aware. I'm most likely going to have my man of honor hand us our wedding rings instead of the BM. But I feel like this isn't a big deal, and can be addressed at the rehearsal when we will have a better idea of what's going on.

2. We are doing a seated dinner. I guess my hesitation on paying is that there are 3 of them in his party, and it's a couple hundred dollars a person (4 course meal at a really nice restaurant & open bar for the 2 adults. Their daughter is a teenager, so it's a full price meal for her as well). I just really hope that they can let us know one way or the other beforehand.

I'm so sorry that you dealt with this as well with your BM. It is so hurtful.

I just have a gut feeling that the BM is going to be a no show. I wish he could be honest, and let my FI know that he isn't going to be there. I think that would create some closure on my FI's end, and allow him to stop stirring over it.

ryanandjoe4

Pupatella said:

Thanks @ryandandjoe4!!

To answer your questions:

1. No WP entrances. Only my FH and I will be doing an entrance. The DJ will only have the names of people giving toasts. So at least this way if the BM doesn't show up, I think only the officiant and the DOC will need to be aware. I'm most likely going to have my man of honor hand us our wedding rings instead of the BM. But I feel like this isn't a big deal, and can be addressed at the rehearsal when we will have a better idea of what's going on. I would just be prepared and let the DJ know he may or may not be coming (without any details)

2. We are doing a seated dinner. I guess my hesitation on paying is that there are 3 of them in his party, and it's a couple hundred dollars a person (4 course meal at a really nice restaurant & open bar for the 2 adults. Their daughter is a teenager, so it's a full price meal for her as well). I just really hope that they can let us know one way or the other beforehand. I would be honest with him and say that if he doesn't let you know by X date then he will be marked as a no, and there will not be a seat for him and his family. Explain that you need to know what dinner that they want since it is a seated dinner, and you need a final count, for the caterer. leave $$ out of this discussion of course. I do want to say that, I had people that confirmed that they were coming and didn't so you may be paying for empty seats anyways. things come up and that cant be helped. 

I'm so sorry that you dealt with this as well with your BM. It is so hurtful.

I just have a gut feeling that the BM is going to be a no show. I wish he could be honest, and let my FI know that he isn't going to be there. I think that would create some closure on my FI's end, and allow him to stop stirring over it. That is true it would help, but some people are not built to deliver bad news, I have decided that I am backing off the relationship with her, and if she starts to call fine I will see where it goes. I don't see that happening, since I have yet to hear from her, since a week before the wedding.