So. I failed a very big and important professional licensure exam. Its by all objective standards a very hard exam with a significant national failure rate but I am the only one who failed in my group this year. It was right before my wedding, however I really didn't think that I was distracted. I repeatedly willed myself to focus on exam preparation and nothing else and left the little planning details to the venue's coordinator - which worked out really well.
The wedding was amazing, and could not have gone better. I am now studying for the repeat exam (which will be in less than two months). I thought I was prepared. But I either wasn't, or was not able to bring up the focus this kind of test requires (two subsequent days 6 hours each day)... I don't know. I consider myself a good test taker (pre this) have always been the straight A nerd in school and postgrad (not in an obnoxious way I'd like to think but more in a maybe mildly annoying (if you don't know me) "I love school / my job" kind of way). In any case, I was pretty shocked when I found out.
I am trying to really focus on looking forward and not perseverating over whats behind me. However I am finding that thats easier said than done. I often find myself going in circles, for example if I had a "good studying day" and feel like I made a lot of progress, I get upset because "thats what I thought last time --> can't trust my judgement on this --> etc..." and if I have a "bad studying day" I'm just downright mad at myself.
The whole shattered self confidence thing is pretty bad. Especially since everyone else in my group passed and its hard not to "feel like a loser" (I know that sounds immature). Everyone has been very nice at work, both peers and senior people (word gets around so pretty much everyone knows), and has been saying how this doesn't mean anything etc etc. Somehow doesn't fully register with me I guess.
The good thing is that my husband has been amazing throughout all this. He could not be more supportive and says and does all the right things and endures my overall gloominess and makes it all bearable... So between him and the support at work I guess I have a lot to be grateful for. And I am. But I'm still feeling down and am terrified to possibly fail again.
I know its an FWP. I do. Its just that my career has always been so important to me, and is a huge part of who I am (in my mind)... I worked so hard to get to this place and then... and this experience has left me at the very least disoriented.
I guess I am asking if anyone has had any similar experiences and how you dealt with them.
- The stars, like dust, encircle me in living mists of light. And all of space I seem to see in one vast burst of sight.