Name changing - pros and cons?

RoselessThorn

Hello everyone! I am wondering about people's chose to change, hyphenate, or not change their name. I'm particularly interested in the decision-making process of people who went non-traditional routes.

I have always felt strongly about keeping my last name. I like my name, I have no brothers or male cousins on my father's side, and I have built a decent career with my current name. Taking my FH's name just seems unnecessary and more hassle than it's worth - he knows I love him regardless of what my last name is!

A couple of people have warned me about the difficulties of not having the same last name. Someone said I might have trouble adding FH to my health insurance or opening a joint bank account if we don't have the same last name. That does't sound right, but I've never gotten married before so...

The option we're considering right now is hyphenating. If we went that route, we would both hyphenate. How much of a pain is it to legally hyphenate both of our names? Has anyone else done this (both spouses hyphenate), and what brought you to that decision? Is there any practical reason (beyond tradition) to legally have the same last name?

Thank you in advance!

Maggie0829

I think the people telling you that it will be difficult if you don't take his last name are full of crap.  If you have a signed marriage license then it wouldn't be difficult at all to open a joint bank account or have joint health insurance or really anything else.  These places don't really care what your names are but rather what your relationship status is.

The only thing that some people do take into consideration is if the couple decides to have children in the future and then wanting their children to share the same last name as their parents.  But no, there really isn't any practical reason legally to share the same name.

So don't feel pressured to take your FI name or even hypenate your names so that you will have the same last name if it isn't something that you want to do.  Like you said, you and your FI will love each other and be married regardless of what your names are.

MyNameIsNot

Whoever told you that opening a joint account or getting on insurance without having the same name is just making things up.  

You don't have to be married to open a joint bank account, so your name makes no difference. H and I had two joint accounts at two different banks long before we married. It made absolutely no difference that we didn't share a last name. When we got our mortgage, the bank didn't care whether we were married or not. 

H's insurance required a copy of our marriage certificate to add me to insurance. They didn't care what my name was, but they did need proof of the marriage to add me. The fact that I didn't change my name has never had anything to do with it. When he changed jobs and we went on mine, no one asked us to verify the marriage. 

I kept my name. I never really felt strongly about keeping it, but I never could think of a good reason to change it either. I wasn't going to go through the effort of changing my name just because of some tradition that doesn't make sense to me. 

SaintPaulGal

My mom kept her name when she and my dad got married, and in the 35+ years since then they have had zero trouble with joint accounts or insurance.  The biggest hassle they have encountered is mail coming to my my mom addressed to Mrs. Hislastname.

I grew up with a hyphenated last name that includes my mom's lengthy and difficult to spell surname and my dad's shorter but still unusual one.  It has been a mixed blessing.  I love how unique it is--my sister and I are the only two in the world with our last name, and people comment on it all the time.  On the other hand, I hate having to spend ages spelling it out in the phonetic alphabet every. single. time I talk to a business contact or service provider.  

So where does that leave me?  I am philosophically opposed to giving up my name and taking his.  But there is something appealing about streamlining my name.  Right now we are strongly considering blending our last names to come up with something new and simple that represents the two of us coming together.  We would then be The ____s without one surname eclipsing the other.  

We may just stick with our own names in the end, but we are both loving the creative approach right now.

kimmiinthemitten

I am hyphenating legally and FI isn't.

I always wanted to keep my name.  I'm very non traditional and a big femisit, my name's ancestry dates back to the pilgrimage, I'm getting married 6 weeks before my 37th birthday so it will have been my name for a long time, and like you, I've built a career with my name (and his name is long and hard to spell - work email nightmare!

FI thought it was important to have a family name and comes from a very traditional family and never pictured it any other way.  Until he met me, and told me having me was more important than me having his name.  That's when I realized, if he was willing to compromise so am I.  So I'm hyphenating legally and not changing my work stuff.

I have a lot of friends, female and male, that disagree and try to give FI a hard time about it.  Don't let other people influence your decsision.

charlotte989875

I had no sentimental attachments to my maiden name, but I had earned my doctorate and started a career with that name. I didn't like the idea of hyphenation so I legally changed my maiden name to a second middle name and added Hs last name. I still go by maiden name at work, but personally I've adopted Hs.

And like PPs have said you don't need the same last name for joint accounts, although our bank did require us to be married.

Rrobinson15

I have sentimental attachment to my last name because it connects me to my father who is deceased. With that being said, I thought long and hard about changing my name and I am going to do it. I don't think of it as losing something, it's entering a new phase in my life and I feel like it's something I want to share with my FH, like we're on the same team.
He let me know how he felt about the name change only after I asked, but he knew it was ultimately my decision. I'm still young, 28, so I don't have a really long time with this name either.

Ultimately it's up to you and how you feel about it. Plenty of women change their name privately and keep their maiden name professionally. Do not let any of your friends question your descision on what you want to do either way. It doesn't make you any less married if you don't have the same last name and it doesn't make you some 50's housewife to take his name either.

vanadisisland

My mum never changed her name when she married my dad 35 years ago. When I was born, I they gave me both surnames. They divorced, I kept using both surnames, they continued using their own without the hassle of having to change it back. I changed my name to just my mum's surname when I was 17 for a whole lot of reasons. The only people in my family with my surname are me and my mum, and her parents, so I'm the only person who could carry it on. With that fact, plus the hassle I went through to actually get my name means that there is no way in hell I would be changing it.

My FI was born in Iceland, meaning that, at the time, she had to, by law, be given the surname FFILFirstNamedottir, and she can't change it. It also means that there would be no point in me taking her surname.

So neither of us will be changing our names. She can't, it would be pretty pointless for me to do so. When we have kids, they'll just have my surname, since a) I think having a hyphenated surname is a hassle, and b) the surname they would inherit from FI would either be her father's name, her surname, or FIFirstNamedottir/son, and FI doesn't see the point in them having any of them.

huskypuppy14

RoselessThorn said:

Hello everyone! I am wondering about people's chose to change, hyphenate, or not change their name. I'm particularly interested in the decision-making process of people who went non-traditional routes.

I have always felt strongly about keeping my last name. I like my name, I have no brothers or male cousins on my father's side, and I have built a decent career with my current name. Taking my FH's name just seems unnecessary and more hassle than it's worth - he knows I love him regardless of what my last name is!

A couple of people have warned me about the difficulties of not having the same last name. Someone said I might have trouble adding FH to my health insurance or opening a joint bank account if we don't have the same last name. That does't sound right, but I've never gotten married before so...

The option we're considering right now is hyphenating. If we went that route, we would both hyphenate. How much of a pain is it to legally hyphenate both of our names? Has anyone else done this (both spouses hyphenate), and what brought you to that decision? Is there any practical reason (beyond tradition) to legally have the same last name?

Thank you in advance!

I kept my own name, as did my husband. I always knew I wanted to keep my name, I think it's sexist that mostly only women change their names, etc. I've had no problems other than the occasional Mrs Smith instead of Ms. Jones mail.

Like pp said, you should have no problem opening a joint checking account. When my husband and I went to the bank 2 days after our wedding, the only question about names they asked, was whether I was planning on changing it. They just mentioned if I was, it might make sense to wait to be added to my H's account until the name change was complete, but that was moot anyway. Some insurance companies want your marriage license, but mine didn't ask for it.

The ease in which your future husband can change his name is state specific. In my state (Massachusetts) either party can change their name at marriage. Some states only allow the woman to change her name (see sexist!). So if you live in one of those states, you can change your name at marriage, but your husband might have to go through a judge. 

Hyphenation is your choice, but it's not really my thing. I already have a 12 letter last name, and if I added my husband it would be a 20 letter last name, no thanks.

VicTim328

I've never heard of difficulty with not matching names for combining things/being added to things.

A friend of mine kept her maiden name as her middle name, and took her husband's last name.  She is a prosecuting attorney for the DA, so for work (especially since she was established/they wouldn't give her a new email) she went by her maiden name, but legally she has her husband's last name. It worked out so that if crazies were to look for her (and they have) it is much harder to figure out where she is, and her kids are a bit more protected through it.

Some states make it more difficult to do that than others.  Hyphenating is not popular where I am from, because the state requires you to go through a court name change proceeding (just like a man, so we are equal here in that sense).  Changing the middle name to a maiden name and taking his last name is far more popular among the women with established careers, at least where I am from, because it keeps some anonymity with their personal lives.

My sister took our step-father's last name when she turned 18.  She made our last name her middle name and took on his last name (it now matches my mom's).  Between the attorney fees, publication/advertising, register's fees, and legal documents (driver's license, passport), it ended up costing her about $1,000. The same for my mom.  If my mom would have let go of her last name and taken his, she would only have needed to produce the marriage license at Social Security Office, DMV etc.

Friends of ours just did what you are considering, where they both combined their last names with a hyphen.  I know it was costly for both of them, but it was what they wanted.

If you are leaning towards taking his name to some affect, I would recommend contacting your local courthouse and inquire as to what they suggest is easier for taking his name/ combining his name with your name.  They may also be able to provide guidance as to what kind of difficulties may arise without the same names.

It does make it easier to have the same last name if there will be children involved.  My older sister took her ex-husband's last name. They had 3 kids (with his name), and then they divorced.  She went back to her maiden name, but it has created confusion with the kids on several occasions (mostly dealing with substitutes or doctors). 

I've also seen where the couple takes the letters of both of their last names and creates a totally new last name. 

huskypuppy14

VicTim328 said:

I've never heard of difficulty with not matching names for combining things/being added to things.

A friend of mine kept her maiden name as her middle name, and took her husband's last name.  She is a prosecuting attorney for the DA, so for work (especially since she was established/they wouldn't give her a new email) she went by her maiden name, but legally she has her husband's last name. It worked out so that if crazies were to look for her (and they have) it is much harder to figure out where she is, and her kids are a bit more protected through it.

Some states make it more difficult to do that than others.  Hyphenating is not popular where I am from, because the state requires you to go through a court name change proceeding (just like a man, so we are equal here in that sense).  Changing the middle name to a maiden name and taking his last name is far more popular among the women with established careers, at least where I am from, because it keeps some anonymity with their personal lives.

My sister took our step-father's last name when she turned 18.  She made our last name her middle name and took on his last name (it now matches my mom's).  Between the attorney fees, publication/advertising, register's fees, and legal documents (driver's license, passport), it ended up costing her about $1,000. The same for my mom.  If my mom would have let go of her last name and taken his, she would only have needed to produce the marriage license at Social Security Office, DMV etc.

Friends of ours just did what you are considering, where they both combined their last names with a hyphen.  I know it was costly for both of them, but it was what they wanted.

If you are leaning towards taking his name to some affect, I would recommend contacting your local courthouse and inquire as to what they suggest is easier for taking his name/ combining his name with your name.  They may also be able to provide guidance as to what kind of difficulties may arise without the same names.

It does make it easier to have the same last name if there will be children involved.  My older sister took her ex-husband's last name. They had 3 kids (with his name), and then they divorced.  She went back to her maiden name, but it has created confusion with the kids on several occasions (mostly dealing with substitutes or doctors). 

I've also seen where the couple takes the letters of both of their last names and creates a totally new last name. 

Is it confusing, because she was Mrs. X and is now Ms. Y or is it confusing because she has a different last name as her kids? With all the blended families, I can't believe that there are still issues with picking up children or whatnot when you have a different last name. It's not that hard to say "This is Sally Jones, I'm Billy Smith's mother".  My mom is the emergency contact for my cousin (she's 12) if her mom or dad can't pick her up for whatever reason. My maternal grandfather picked me up from school all the time and there was never a problem. 

There are plenty of single parents or couples that are not married that have children, so the children may have a different name then their mother or father. I really don't believe this is a major problem, and those that have had problems, should complain.

fyrchk

I was adopted when I was 18 by my stepfather so I've already gone through the name change thing once. I had been using his name for years, but some places (school, doctor, etc) wouldn't recognize it. And because I didn't want my birth last name on my diploma, we did it legally.

Now I am planning on taking my FI's last name. But the reason is that his last name is actually my maternal grandmother's last name. My mother was also adopted so we kind of like the thought of someone in the family going back to our family name. And, my current last name is one of those where I'm constantly called the wrong name, have to spell it, have to spell it again, and then finally give up and say, "Yep, that's it," even though it's wrong.

Jen4948

It's entirely up to you what your name should be.  If you think hyphenating is the way to go, then that's your choice to make entirely.  I don't think any bank or financial institution or insurance company will have a problem with you not having the same last name as your husband.

That said, hyphenating names can lead to really long last names.  I had a friend with a hyphenated last name who sometimes couldn't make it fit into forms and computer records because the fields didn't allow for enough characters.  Of course this could happen with non-hyphenated names too, but it's something to think about when changing your own name.

FrankensteinBride

Completely up to you! I don't really like hyphens, so I am considering just adding my fiance's last name, and keeping mine as a second middle name or something... considering it's been mine since birth, I'm a bit attached to it.
I wouldn't mind him adding my current last name into his name either... 

pennydl

As pp have said, your last names do not have to be the same to open a joint bank account. My H and I opened one when we first moved in together and we had no issues. 

I decided to add his name to mine, not hyphenate. We learned while getting our license, if I hyphenate, I will HAVE to sign both last names every time I sign something. Without the hyphen, I can chose which name to sign. I was going back and forth as well about changing it, adding his, etc. My husband would have been fine if I didn't add his last name to mine, but it did think having his last name would make things a bit easier legal wise, just in case something happened. We just got married 2 1/2 weeks ago, so I am just now starting the research process of changing it. It seems a bit overwhelming to me actually. There appear to be several forms to file and it looks like I'll have to attend  a hearing and bring 2 witnesses with me to verify. I contacted a friend of mine who is an attorney to see if she can help me with the process. So we'll see how it goes. 

FutureMrsGlaze11313

I have been freaking out about this forever. I'm so glad someone else has gone through this. I want to hyphenate my name but my FI doesn't want to change his name and I completely understand. Some of his family is offended, they act like I'm not taking their name at all.

[Deleted User]

I would say that if you plan to keep your name, just realize that not everyone will realize you didn't take his name since that is what is traditional, there may be times where you get invites or introduced using his last name. As long as you can let it slide. I know everyone should address you properly, but you know that there is going to be a mistake made at some point.

In regards to hyphenating for both of you, I would just check with your local probate court on the process. I know you just have to go file paper work and change your name in all the respective places. But not sure if it works the same for guys, I'm guessing it would, but your local probate court could best advise you on that.

You and your FI should change or not change your names based on what you two are comfortable with.

spockforprez

I am keeping my name. My names, all three, are extremely important to me. It's also a political choice; I would like for it to be more normal for women to keep their names. I am 100% fine with women who choose to change their names, but the entitled and "but that's just how it is" attitude that some men have about the issue is just plain wrong, IMO. The most effective way I've found of at least getting them (NOT all men, just the ones who have this view) to understand is asking them, Would you change your name? When they say no, I ask why. Inevitably they say something along the lines of, "Well, it's... my name!" And yep, that's how I feel too. That weird pang of identity crisis they feel when they think about changing their name - that's what I feel too. I've had some good conversations with guys about it and I hope things continue to change as our society changes.

We are childfree, so we don't have to be concerned with what last names our children have, although if we did have kids I think we could sort it fairly. 

As far as family goes, that's the one thing I'm nervous about. My family all knows how weird I am about things like this, so that's no issue. But I don't think FH's mom knows yet; she is hypercritical of nearly everything about our wedding already so I probably won't tell her and just let her figure it out.

photokitty

Erikan73 said:

I would say that if you plan to keep your name, just realize that not everyone will realize you didn't take his name since that is what is traditional, there may be times where you get invites or introduced using his last name. As long as you can let it slide. I know everyone should address you properly, but you know that there is going to be a mistake made at some point.

I don't let it slide, I politely correct them and say I kept my name. I'm not rude and I don't get mad, but it is my name and they should be corrected, same way you would correct someone if they called you by the wrong first name. You would not let it slide if your name is Susan and someone called you Judy.

arrrghmatey

I really like my last name, but I've always been onboard with taking my eventual husband's last name (unless it was something I didn't like….i.e."Butts"). So I'm one of the ladies who is moving my last name to my middle name, and taking my FI's last name. 

IwantSomeKnotStuff

It's something I debated and struggled with for years even before I was engaged.

Ultimately, I don't like the fact that (in most cases) women are the ones who are supposed to bear the whole burden.  I don't like the symbolism of only the woman changing her identity (because names are a big part of identity).

I was worried, for a while, about how we would deal with peoples' perceptions if I didn't change it.  However, according to kids I've talked to, it is increasingly common for women to not change their names.  When I was a kid it was a big deal and I remember not understanding it.  But I'm thankful to those who dealt with raised eyebrows while paving the way and I feel good contributing to that shift in expectations.

SP29

I took DH's name. I liked the idea of being called, "The ______s" vs. "John Smith and Sally Jones". Hyphenating would have been WAYYYY to much (we both have longish non anglo-saxon names that are not easy to pronounce Keeping my maiden name would've been easier actually ). But I also fully support each person making their own choice.

At the same time, I practice under my maiden name, as that is the name I earned my degree and starting working under. 

As long as it is not for fraudulent purposes, you can use more than one name.

I did consider making my maiden name a middle name, but when it came around to actually filling out forms I never ended up doing it. My concern was family lineage. But since adopting a married name is an assumed and not legal name change, your birth certificate would still hold your maiden last name, so I figure I can always be found that way (birth certificate and then marriage license).