Planning when a loved one has cancer.

DarthV8r

I booked my wedding venue on the same day I found out my grandma has cancer, Since then  we have found out she has a few tumors and  lymphoma, she can't have a surgery to take it out, and  it stemmed from when she had breast cancer. She has started treatment.  She has been doing chemo  in pill form   for the last month and has  had 2 radiation treatments. We found out today she grew 2 more tumors. It's not looking good.  She is 84 years old and has had cancer 3 times.  I feel so bad.My mother, aunts, and I  have been taking turns caring for my Grandparents (taking both of them to appointments, cleaning the house , preparing meals, yard work etc.). I don't know whats going to happen.  . I feel like an ass for  going ahead with wedding planning when she is so sick. I can't afford to push up the wedding because of money.  I am thinking about  going to the J.O.P with just our witnesses.  I feel confused. Sorry if this is choppy, sometimes its hard for me to express things on "paper". Has anyone been in  a tough situation like this? I don't know what the right thing to do is. My family and I are having a hard time and I don't want to make things harder for them. Can I have some advice? 

futurecptkirk

ibarfburlapandlace said:

I booked my wedding venue on the same day I found out my grandma has cancer, Since then  we have found out she has a few tumors and  lymphoma, she can't have a surgery to take it out, and  it stemmed from when she had breast cancer. She has started treatment.  She has been doing chemo  in pill form   for the last month and has  had 2 radiation treatments. We found out today she grew 2 more tumors. It's not looking good.  She is 84 years old and has had cancer 3 times.  I feel so bad.My mother, aunts, and I  have been taking turns caring for my Grandparents (taking both of them to appointments, cleaning the house , preparing meals, yard work etc.). I don't know whats going to happen.  . I feel like an ass for  going ahead with wedding planning when she is so sick. I can't afford to push up the wedding because of money.  I am thinking about  going to the J.O.P with just our witnesses.  I feel confused. Sorry if this is choppy, sometimes its hard for me to express things on "paper". Has anyone been in  a tough situation like this? I don't know what the right thing to do is. My family and I are having a hard time and I don't want to make things harder for them. Can I have some advice? 

I am so sorry for you and your family. I found out my mom had cancer during my planning, too. Thankfully it was something that should get taken care of with an outpatient surgery, but cancer is cancer. It's never easy to hear a loved one has it. I had my bridal shower about 2 weeks after her diagnosis and she almost didn't make it because of surgery scheduling. I wanted to cancel it. She ended up coming thankfully and basically announced to everyone there what was going on. Having the shower, I was able to be around women I love and trust and they were there to comfort us and it made it easier to handle. Friends were coming to me telling me about their experiences. 

If you do the JOP, would you lose a bunch of deposits? You can still have your party later if you get married now and just celebrate your marriage with everyone. It sounds like you are very close to her and would be very upset if she weren't able to be with you on your big day. If that's the case then I would get married with her able to be with you. Regardless, don't feel like an ass. She's 84. She's lived a great life! I'm sure she would encourage you to do the same! I hope that doesn't sound insensitive. When I lost my grandmother I went into a deep depression for over a year and it was very hard for me to let myself have fun. I don't want anyone else to go through what I did. 

I would encourage you to lean on your support system though and let your friends help you when you need it. Wedding planning on it's own is exhausting, but on top of something like this can be seriously overwhelming. I would also talk to your parents and your grandmother and ask what they think would be best for your family. 

lyndausvi

I'm sorry for you and your family.

@ShesSoCold 's mother was sick (I think cancer) and she cancelled her DW plans and planned a new wedding within 2 weeks.  She might be able to help.

DarthV8r

ibarfburlapandlace said:

I booked my wedding venue on the same day I found out my grandma has cancer, Since then  we have found out she has a few tumors and  lymphoma, she can't have a surgery to take it out, and  it stemmed from when she had breast cancer. She has started treatment.  She has been doing chemo  in pill form   for the last month and has  had 2 radiation treatments. We found out today she grew 2 more tumors. It's not looking good.  She is 84 years old and has had cancer 3 times.  I feel so bad.My mother, aunts, and I  have been taking turns caring for my Grandparents (taking both of them to appointments, cleaning the house , preparing meals, yard work etc.). I don't know whats going to happen.  . I feel like an ass for  going ahead with wedding planning when she is so sick. I can't afford to push up the wedding because of money.  I am thinking about  going to the J.O.P with just our witnesses.  I feel confused. Sorry if this is choppy, sometimes its hard for me to express things on "paper". Has anyone been in  a tough situation like this? I don't know what the right thing to do is. My family and I are having a hard time and I don't want to make things harder for them. Can I have some advice? 

I am so sorry for you and your family. I found out my mom had cancer during my planning, too. Thankfully it was something that should get taken care of with an outpatient surgery, but cancer is cancer. It's never easy to hear a loved one has it. I had my bridal shower about 2 weeks after her diagnosis and she almost didn't make it because of surgery scheduling. I wanted to cancel it. She ended up coming thankfully and basically announced to everyone there what was going on. Having the shower, I was able to be around women I love and trust and they were there to comfort us and it made it easier to handle. Friends were coming to me telling me about their experiences. 

If you do the JOP, would you lose a bunch of deposits? You can still have your party later if you get married now and just celebrate your marriage with everyone. It sounds like you are very close to her and would be very upset if she weren't able to be with you on your big day. If that's the case then I would get married with her able to be with you. Regardless, don't feel like an ass. She's 84. She's lived a great life! I'm sure she would encourage you to do the same! I hope that doesn't sound insensitive. When I lost my grandmother I went into a deep depression for over a year and it was very hard for me to let myself have fun. I don't want anyone else to go through what I did. 

I would encourage you to lean on your support system though and let your friends help you when you need it. Wedding planning on it's own is exhausting, but on top of something like this can be seriously overwhelming. I would also talk to your parents and your grandmother and ask what they think would be best for your family. 

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I could use the venue deposit for future hotel stays and the photographer I can still use, I have a 100$ down on the florist which can go towards my bouquet. Even if I go that route I don't think my grandparents would be up to going. I just don't want something to happen closer to the wedding because I couldn't deal with that.

MairePoppy

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. 

You shouldn't feel like an ass for planning your wedding. Don't cancel things just yet. Give yourself time to think about how you would like to proceed. 

My SIL passed away from ovarian cancer. She went through surgery, chemo and radiation to no avail. During her treatment, she took pleasure in hearing and talking about  the things that were going on in her loved ones' lives. It was a distraction from her illness and made her feel important in our lives. In her final days, when she could barely talk, she enjoyed hearing her closest freinds and family members reminisce. I could be wrong, but I think your grandmother might enjoy hearing about your wedding plans and giving her opinion. Don't rush to a decision on your wedding just now.

DarthV8r

MairePoppy said:

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. 

You shouldn't feel like an ass for planning your wedding. Don't cancel things just yet. Give yourself time to think about how you would like to proceed. 

My SIL passed away from ovarian cancer. She went through surgery, chemo and radiation to no avail. During her treatment, she took pleasure in hearing and talking about  the things that were going on in her loved ones' lives. It was a distraction from her illness and made her feel important in our lives. In her final days, when she could barely talk, she enjoyed hearing her closest freinds and family members reminisce. I could be wrong, but I think your grandmother might enjoy hearing about your wedding plans and giving her opinion. Don't rush to a decision on your wedding just now.

Thank you. I have been thinking about it for the last 2 weeks, that is why I asked about J.O.P etiquette on the etiquette board. So far I've made a list of pros and cons. Getting married sooner seems to be the more logical choice. After starting this thread and reading  @shessocold 's story I'm trying to think of different ways to have a nice (but quick) wedding. I don't plan on canceling anything just yet. It is a big decision to make with a lot of "what ifs".

MairePoppy

OK, I've read the other thread.  I f you choose to move up your ceremony so your granndmother can be present, I see no problem with havinng a larger reception later that day. You can even build in some time for pics and cupcakes or something your grandmother might enjoy -  just in case she isn't able to attend the reception. 

TBH, I'd be okay with you having the party part on the day you've originally planned for the wedding, and with some of the wedding trimmmings - white dress, cake, toasts etc... as long as the guests understand that you're already married. I would forgo the vows, since the vows you say in front of your grandmother will be the ones that unite you in marriage. 

Most people object to 'PPDs' when the 'couple' is planning it because  their first wedding wasn't 'good enough' or they are trying to fool their guests into thinking they're witnessing a real, legally binding marriage ceremony. I wouldn't consider what you are thinking about to be a PPD, at all. 

DarthV8r

MairePoppy said:

OK, I've read the other thread.  I f you choose to move up your ceremony so your granndmother can be present, I see no problem with havinng a larger reception later that day. You can even build in some time for pics and cupcakes or something your grandmother might enjoy -  just in case she isn't able to attend the reception. 

TBH, I'd be okay with you having the party part on the day you've originally planned for the wedding, and with some of the wedding trimmmings - white dress, cake, toasts etc... as long as the guests understand that you're already married. I would forgo the vows, since the vows you say in front of your grandmother will be the ones that unite you in marriage. 

Most people object to 'PPDs' when the 'couple' is planning it because  their first wedding wasn't 'good enough' or they are trying to fool their guests into thinking they're witnessing a real, legally binding marriage ceremony. I wouldn't consider what you are thinking about to be a PPD, at all. 

I talked it over with her  and my family today. We are going to have a nice wedding at a wedding chapel that is very local and having a cake and punch reception at  a community center.  Now everyone can go comfortably , but I don't have  the means right now. I have to wait a few months to  have enough time to make payments.  I can do this in Feb.  If the dates are available.  I dont know what else to do.

kimmiinthemitten

ibarfburlapandlace said:

MairePoppy said:

OK, I've read the other thread.  I f you choose to move up your ceremony so your granndmother can be present, I see no problem with havinng a larger reception later that day. You can even build in some time for pics and cupcakes or something your grandmother might enjoy -  just in case she isn't able to attend the reception. 

TBH, I'd be okay with you having the party part on the day you've originally planned for the wedding, and with some of the wedding trimmmings - white dress, cake, toasts etc... as long as the guests understand that you're already married. I would forgo the vows, since the vows you say in front of your grandmother will be the ones that unite you in marriage. 

Most people object to 'PPDs' when the 'couple' is planning it because  their first wedding wasn't 'good enough' or they are trying to fool their guests into thinking they're witnessing a real, legally binding marriage ceremony. I wouldn't consider what you are thinking about to be a PPD, at all. 

I talked it over with her  and my family today. We are going to have a nice wedding at a wedding chapel that is very local and having a cake and punch reception at  a community center.  Now everyone can go comfortably , but I don't have  the means right now. I have to wait a few months to  have enough time to make payments.  I can do this in Feb.  If the dates are available.  I dont know what else to do.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. One of my BMs just learned she has Ovarian Cancer:(. Cancer sucks!
.
Have you talked to your grandmother about this at all? You mentioned earlier even if you plan something for sooner she may not be able to attend, and maybe she wouldn't want you to reschedule based on her illness. My grandfather was one of those cancer patients, to him, everything we tried to rework around his treatment was just another reminder of how his cancer affects everyone else. (Hugs)

DarthV8r

kimmiandkoley said:

ibarfburlapandlace said:

MairePoppy said:

OK, I've read the other thread.  I f you choose to move up your ceremony so your granndmother can be present, I see no problem with havinng a larger reception later that day. You can even build in some time for pics and cupcakes or something your grandmother might enjoy -  just in case she isn't able to attend the reception. 

TBH, I'd be okay with you having the party part on the day you've originally planned for the wedding, and with some of the wedding trimmmings - white dress, cake, toasts etc... as long as the guests understand that you're already married. I would forgo the vows, since the vows you say in front of your grandmother will be the ones that unite you in marriage. 

Most people object to 'PPDs' when the 'couple' is planning it because  their first wedding wasn't 'good enough' or they are trying to fool their guests into thinking they're witnessing a real, legally binding marriage ceremony. I wouldn't consider what you are thinking about to be a PPD, at all. 

I talked it over with her  and my family today. We are going to have a nice wedding at a wedding chapel that is very local and having a cake and punch reception at  a community center.  Now everyone can go comfortably , but I don't have  the means right now. I have to wait a few months to  have enough time to make payments.  I can do this in Feb.  If the dates are available.  I dont know what else to do.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. One of my BMs just learned she has Ovarian Cancer:(. Cancer sucks!
.
Have you talked to your grandmother about this at all? You mentioned earlier even if you plan something for sooner she may not be able to attend, and maybe she wouldn't want you to reschedule based on her illness. My grandfather was one of those cancer patients, to him, everything we tried to rework around his treatment was just another reminder of how his cancer affects everyone else. (Hugs)

Yes I did talk to her about it yesterday. She wanted me to do whatever I wanted. I want  my Grandparents to be there and  be comfortable, and I want to get married sooner. If I keep  the original wedding plan I will probably have to postpone because of funds,  and it's 20 minutes away from  their home. 

New plan:  The community center only has February 20th available which is the anniversary of my Godfathers death, so obvi not happening on that date.  So I am booking March 5th. There is still no guarantee my Grandparents will be there but there's more of a chance now because it will be short,and in the middle of the afternoon. Also, the chapel and the reception are down the street from their house. 

wandajune6

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That sounds like a great compromise.

I'll just share this- we found out MIL's cancer returned the week before the wedding. In the months following our wedding, she was very sick (rallying now, fortunately). When she was bedridden and miserable, she spent tons of time looking through wedding pictures. She got so much joy in seeing her son married but was also thrilled to see all of her kids and grandkids dressed up and having a blast. It helped.

ShesSoCold

OP, I'm so sorry - this is a horrible situation to be in. 

I, unfortunately, understand your situation. Like Lynda said (thanks, friend!), my mom was diagnosed with cancer right before my DW and we cancelled. I was sad to not get to have the wedding I'd planned and then felt like an ass for being sad about a wedding when my mom was dying. But my mom was the most important thing so we did whatever we needed to do for her to be there (she wanted to be at our wedding). 

I think your plans sound great. Moving it up as much as you can is a great way to still have the type of wedding you want (non-JOP) but hopefully making it easier on your family.

When talking to your vendors, tell them what's going on. Both the old ones and the new ones. My DW venue gave us back 100% of our deposits when they didn't have to and refunded every guest 100% of their hotel payments. My new vendors worked with us and were sensitive and flexible due to the circumstances. Obviously I don't mean to flat out say, "A family member had cancer - give me free shit" but it doesn't hurt to let people know why you're changing it. 

Hugs for you and your family. 

sarahufl

I'm sorry you have to deal with this- cancer really blows. My dad has had all kinds of cancer in the nearly 5 years I have been with H. In fact, we got his first diagnosis about 1 month after I met H, so it has basically been our entire relationship. I ended up having a wedding at a time of year that I didn't really want because I basically wanted to get married ASAP before something *else* happened with my dad.

It meant the world for him to be there and I couldn't have imagined getting married without him. At the rehearsal, he started feeling sick, so we sent him to the hotel. We were having a huge party that night at their house and I knew he would try to be social and not want to ruin my party (his concern, not mine). I just said to him- "look, pack a bag, go to the hotel- we already paid for your room. you need sleep." And, thankfully, he was well enough to come the next day.

In the 15 months since then, he has been in and out of the hospital but is thankfully still with us. But I would have dropped everything and just gone to the JOP if it meant him being there.