Non-religious premarital counseling?

Knottie1443280717

Hi everyone! My fiance and I have been dating for 7 years and just got engaged in June. Neither of us is religious, and we have noticed that there seems to be a lack of non-religious premarital counseling options out there, especially for couples who want to DIY it with books or online courses (rather than paying for in-person therapy). Does anyone else share this issue? What are your experiences with premarital counseling in general?

Jells2dot0

My H and I found a local psychologist who specializes in marriage and relationship counseling. She is in no way associated with religion. While our counseling was not specific to our wedding, I found it to be just as useful as pre-martial counseling I attended at my church prior to my first marriage. She helped us work through issues with our previous marriages, our new relationship, and our blended family situation. I was referred to her by a friend, but I recommend doing some Google searches for your area. If you plan on using insurance, recommend looking at your insurer's website. Most of them have a search tool to find providers. You can then Google their names, look at their websites, and see what is the best fit.

ShesSoCold

Knottie1443280717 said:

Hi everyone! My fiance and I have been dating for 7 years and just got engaged in June. Neither of us is religious, and we have noticed that there seems to be a lack of non-religious premarital counseling options out there, especially for couples who want to DIY it with books or online courses (rather than paying for in-person therapy). Does anyone else share this issue? What are your experiences with premarital counseling in general?

The bolded doesn't make sense. Premarital counseling needs to be done with a human being and it's not a one-size-fits-all. Different couples need counseling in different areas and an actual therapist or counselor will help identify what your needs are in your relationship and how to work on your issues. 

luckya23

I've heard good things about the book Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts (which will be reprinted with an updated version on Oct 27), and I think they are starting to offer facilitators sometime soon. 

It is listed as a "Christian" book though.

http://www.symbisassessment.com/couples/ 

madamerwin

We had no trouble at all finding a counselor in our area who specializes in marriage and family therapy, using Google and my health insurance network website. I agree with @ShesSoCold though - counseling, by definition, involves a third party who is trained in such matters. Unless you're really disciplined, you probably won't get as much out of books as an actual counselor.

futurecptkirk

luckya23 said:

I've heard good things about the book Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts (which will be reprinted with an updated version on Oct 27), and I think they are starting to offer facilitators sometime soon. 

It is listed as a "Christian" book though.

http://www.symbisassessment.com/couples/ 

We did this and it was pretty great. Yes there are a lot of parts that are religious, but we also learned about fighting styles and finances. They also taught us about what a healthy relationship looks like. I would highly recommend it. There are some things that really bothered me because of the traditional man and woman roles in a marriage, but I just got over it. Overall, it made our relationship stronger and we got a $60 discount on our marriage license and the waiver for the 3 day waiting period. Super helpful since we are 5 days out and going to get our license on Thursday. #procrastinators 

kvruns

There is a book called Getting the Love That You Want that a therapist recommends, for both before and during marriage. I think the book is pretty old but you can get it on amazon for super cheap and talks about how to communicate and get the type of love you want

charlottesmom0626

I have a therapist I saw regularly, and he helped me mentally prepare for my marriage but I wouldn't call it couples counseling because H didn't come (he was invited to, and he offered, but I didn't truly see the point at the time)

I also read the "5 love languages" which was written by a religious Christian man (possibly a pastor?) I kind of took from it some important parts and ignored what didn't really help. I think the biggest thing I took from this book is that both H and I expect and express love in very different ways. Being able to be on the same page with understanding each other and making an effort to communicate effectively will help our marriage survive anything. 

julieanne912

Just wanted to second the 5 love languages book.  I wish I had read it in my early 20s.  And yeah it's pretty easy to ignore the jesusy stuff in it.

charlottesmom0626

julieanne912 said:

Just wanted to second the 5 love languages book.  I wish I had read it in my early 20s.  And yeah it's pretty easy to ignore the jesusy stuff in it.

you're my soul sister. I wanted to say this but I didn't want to be offensive. 

MesmrEwe

Marriage and Family Counselors may be able to do this with you.  There are some out there who specialize in premarital counseling/marriage prep, you just need to google a little or ask on your local boards for recommendations.  In this state it gives couples a discount on the cost of the marriage license so it's worth it.

Years ago a local knottie and her Dad wrote "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning" (It's actually more about marriage planning and family dynamics than just wedding-specific)...  Their website may offer a referral network, but I'm not 100% sure...

kkitkat79

In my opinion, by far the best book on marriage is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Before reading it I was so skeptical of the whole self-help book genre. This one is different.  

madamerwin

kkitkat79 said:

In my opinion, by far the best book on marriage is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Before reading it I was so skeptical of the whole self-help book genre. This one is different.  

There are a number of really great books out there by John Gottman. He's basically THE relationship counseling guru.

chloe97

Our wedding officiant was a couple's counselor and he offered premarital counseling as part of his package. Unfortunately, we were promised 3 sessions as part of our package and all of those sessions were spent talking about the ceremony. My friend did actually end up contracting with him just to do premarital counseling and she said that the found it enormously helpful. I bet that you can find a couple's counselor in your area that can offer it.

julieanne912

charlottesmom0626 said:

julieanne912 said:

Just wanted to second the 5 love languages book.  I wish I had read it in my early 20s.  And yeah it's pretty easy to ignore the jesusy stuff in it.

you're my soul sister. I wanted to say this but I didn't want to be offensive. 

Ha!  I grew up super jesusy... so much so that I even have the jesus fish on my old letterman jacket and had the purity ring, etc etc.  But then I left home and got tainted by the secular world, and it's way more fun.   

thefanciestbeckler

Technically even a religious/Christian counselor should not discuss religion or beliefs with the client unless they have explicit permission from them. It's against the code of ethics. I'm getting my Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy right now. This is a HUGE topic in the field. My suggestion is to find a reputable counselor in your area, religious or not, and tell them that you do not wish to include religion or beliefs in your sessions.